Friday, March 6, 2015

"Why Did You Buy This?" Twenty Birthday Gift Fails

   
      When my husband celebrated his fortieth birthday, he received quite an array of "Over The Hill" gifts---denture cream, thick-lensed eye glasses, fiber pills, hemorrhoid cream, a plastic cane and a bottle of Gas-X. Luckily, when I turned forty, people were much kinder. I received mostly wine and imported chocolates (my gal pals know me so well).  But not everyone is this fortunate. We all have that relative or friend who has absolutely NO CLUE what to give as a gift, so they try to find something clever. Clever does not always mean fun. Sometime clever means, "I wouldn't be caught dead in this thing and it's going in our next garage sale." Yes, I know it's the thought that counts and that I should be grateful…. but sometimes I have to wonder what my friends and family were thinking while they were shopping. Do I look the the type of person who would want a statue of a grizzly bear gnawing on a salmon in the middle of my living room?  Or a pink bunny shower curtain? Just hand me a roast beef sandwich and I'll be happy.

     Here are some gifts that NO ONE wants to unwrap on their birthday, but if you have a few "frenemies" with upcoming birthdays, then this might be your go-to list.

1. A toilet plunger with a big bow tied around it. What does this say about the person you're giving it to?

2.  A large cookbook for eating healthy and losing weight. Add a scale to the package and you might just lose your friend for good.

3.  Candles shaped like zoo animals. Watching the head of a giraffe melt into a pool of wax is rather disturbing.

4.  A buy-one-get-one-free deal for a flu shot. Skip it. They'd probably rather have a different kind of shot….like the one that comes in a small glass and feels like fire going down your throat.

5. Sky diving tickets. This makes a great gift if your friend is an adventurous daredevil. A person with a healthy fear of heights? Not so much. You'll need to include an oxygen mask and a defibrillator.

6.  A gift certificate to the "Kinky & Stinky Sex Toy Shop." I shouldn't have to explain why this is wrong on so many levels.

7. Two nights at a bed & breakfast….in Teheran.  It's fine to travel around the world on your birthday, but if you expect to celebrate another one next year, stay far, far away from this place.

8.  A pair of Spanx.  See item #2 above.

9.  Tickets to the Feline Frenzy Cat Show.  This might be an interesting experience if the recipient  fills their pockets with tuna and sits in the front row.

10.  A Groupon discount to attend a yodeling contest.  While you're at it, why not throw in an Alpine horn so that the person who receives this gift can star in the next Ricola commercial?

11.  Precious Moments Figurine. Unless your friend is in her seventies and addicted to the QVC shopping network, this item will surely end up in a garage sale.

12.  Underwear from a consignment shop. No. Just….no.

13.  A faux Picasso painting bought from a neighbor's yard sale. Save your two bucks and coax your four-year-old to finger paint your friend's portrait.

14.  A police siren/taser alarm clock.  If the person who receives this gift doesn't jump out of bed after the first 30 seconds of the siren, the clock guarantees to taser them awake. Great incentive not to be late for work.

15. Creepy Clown Lantern. Items like this are the reason so many children end up on a psychiatrist's couch when they're adults.

16.  A Do-It-Yourself-At-Home colonoscopy kit.  If you're giving someone this gift, be sure to include bathroom cleaning supplies. And an air freshener.

17.  A sequined zebra print hat with matching striped vest. This is fine as long as the recipient isn't planning an African safari. A jaguar might mistake them for wild game.

18.  Mooing cow in a can. The only person who might appreciate this gift is a homesick, transplanted farmer stuck in New York City.

19. Onesie pajamas with drop seats…for adults. Be sure to add an adult-sized bottle, bib and pacifier to enhance this gift.

20.  A misshapen coffee mug that resembles an alien's head or an unidentifiable animal. Just because you made the mug in your last ceramics class doesn't mean you can pass it off as a piece of contemporary art.



     If you receive any of these obnoxious presents on your birthday, look on the bright side---they can always be sold in a garage sale or re-gifted at your next "Secret Santa" holiday office party. Who wouldn't appreciate an oil painting of Moby Dick swallowing a ship or a pair sequin kitty underwear?




Want more Meno Mama? This week I'm on Humor Outcasts sharing what's in my SPAM folder!   Read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2015/got-spam/



   

   

   

48 comments:

  1. Hahaha those are awesome! Last year I celebrated my 50th and asked for no presents but some folks brought them anyway. One gal gave me a Duck Dynasty chia pet which was recycled at my annual Christmas Crap party. I mean seriously???? I have never seen that show #1, and who really wants a damn chia pet????

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    1. That's an awful gift! But look at the bright side----at least you didn't get used panties from a consignment shop---stains included…...

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  2. LOL. There are some things which we really shouldn't give others, indeed!

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    1. Sadly, the same people keep going the same weird gifts, year after year.

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  3. These are all hilarious, Marcia! Each was funnier than the last!

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    1. Thanks, Shay---I had fun writing them!

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  4. Hilarious! I thought I had received some doozies...I did fix my problem though - I created an amazon wish list filled with things I've always wanted. I recommended my list to my clueless friend and it has worked great so far - we're about 3 years into this system with no complaints :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, that's a GREAT idea! I need to try that!

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  5. Replies
    1. That's why they're going into next year's office holiday party. I just hope I don't make enemies….

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  6. That's a very funny list, Marcia! I feel like I've gotten to the age where I'd just rather forgo gifts altogether. Come be with me, buy me lunch, and let's just celebrate with conversation and good food:)

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    1. That's my FAVORITE way to spend my birthday!

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  7. In fact I did recently receive a toilet plunger with a bow on it, but it wasn't a birthday gift; it was for Valentine's Day.

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    1. OMG Stephen--you're hilarious! Now you know what your Valentine REALLY thinks of you!

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  8. Bwahahahaha! BTW, has anyone spoken for the cow in a can? Just askin' . . .

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    Replies
    1. Ha! I knew you'd be interested in that one. I'll send it to you for your next birthday!

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  9. I once had that mooing cow in a can. Just saying. I had one. Way fun.

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    Replies
    1. I had one too, years ago, and drove everyone crazy with it. The cat one is even worse!

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  10. People really gave you these gifts? OMG!!!

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    Replies
    1. At least half of them, yes. Either they were clueless or I really am their "frenemy."

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  11. Hey now, I don't know what this says about me, but I would LOVE to receive tickets to The Feline Frenzy Cat Show.

    The rest? No way.

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    1. But would you line your pockets with tuna?

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  12. Thankfully I have friends who are smart enough to get me gifts they know I'll like. Usually it involves wine, coffee or food. On a rare occasion, cash.

    For my birthday last year one friend gave me a coffee mug with the letter K on it. Another friend gave me two wine glasses, one with a K on it and the other said WINE. Those kinds of gifts = PERFECT.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, those ARE perfect gifts. Next year, I'm going to make sure you know what day my birthday is...

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    2. If I am remembering correctly it's Oct. 15 -- same day as my wedding anniversary. If I forgot that I'd be in deep doodie!

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    3. HA-HA! You DO have a good memory!!!

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  13. I don't know who is buying for you but oh my, at home colonoscopy, just say no..

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    1. As much as having the doc do it, which freaks me out, I DEFINITELY would not want to do it to myself!!

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  14. Would you appreciate it more if it was a gift basket? Like maybe the Do-It-Yourself-At-Home colonoscopy kit, the Onesie pajamas with drop seats and the toilet plunger with a big bow tied around it. Now you have to admit that is a well thought out gift!

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    1. Hey, I never thought of it that way! That IS a well thought out gift!!!

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  15. Those are hilarious!! One year, my sister (who is a teacher) got TEETH WHITENER for a gift!!! Yes- those white strips. Isn't that SO funny??? We still laugh at it. She has a major complex about her teeth now...lol

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    1. Oh no! That would give me a complex, too!!

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  16. Ok it is weird that I kinda want the home colon test thing that spell check won't let me type and OMG Marcia!!! This is beyond funny and awesome. "Watching the head of a giraffe melt into a pool of wax is rather disturbing." is my favorite line EVER. Because YES.

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    1. Those candles really are creepy. I've also had owl and horse candles, and they're cute until they burn into unidentifiable animal puddles.

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  17. Some gifts people give are unbelievable, I really want to say huh... what were you thinking? Oh right, you weren't... I would regift the gift back to them when an occasion came up, apparently they like that kind of stuff :)

    Have a great day Marcia xox

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    1. That is a BRILLIANT idea! I swear, I'm doing that next time!!

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  18. Hahaha. How many of us received gifts that we wanted to return to the sender. Good list here. Weird gifts, huh?

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    1. Very weird….which I guess means I know too many weird people.

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  19. I got a mug that said 'ock' on it. It didn't get it. Then one day I realised what the shape of the handle was and it clicked. Then I spat tea all over my laptop. Fantastic present.

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  20. My brother-in-law married a gal who thinks it's hilarious to get the other men in the family sex stuff for Christmas. It's a very odd habit.

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    Replies
    1. That IS weird. Do these gifts include one to your dad??? Or other brothers you have???

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  21. Where can I get the animal-shaped candles?

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    Replies
    1. Now how did I know that you would want one of those???

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  22. More proof that we all don't have the same sense of humor. I'm happy that my family and friends aren't THAT kind of weird – they're weird in a different way ;)

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