Friday, August 7, 2015

The Neighbors From Hell


      I love my neighborhood. The majority of families on my street are friendly and helpful. We’ve been through hurricanes together, survived marital squabbles, conquered a flu epidemic, and dealt with a bout of head lice that kept everyone quarantined and scratching their heads for months.

There is a cozy feeling of unity among us, and I’m fortunate to live in such a peaceful community. But it wasn’t always this way. I once lived next to psycho neighbors who snipped our Christmas lights, poisoned our plants, and filmed us whenever we ventured outside. The day those whackadoodles moved was the day I did a little happy dance in the yard as their U-Haul pulled away from the curb.

They say fences make good neighbors. This is especially true if you’re dealing with any of these characters on your block:

The Nosy Neighbors. These people spy on the comings and goings of everyone on the street. They know what you ate for dinner, who your favorite drinking buddies are, where your kids spent the night, and how much you spent to sod your yard. A ten-foot fence isn’t high enough to keep their nose out of your business.

The Partiers. I love a good party, just not at 3:00 a.m., right outside my bedroom window. Loud karaoke, swimming pools, and cheap booze do not mix.

The Trash Collector. This neighbor’s yard is the eyesore of the street. His property is a graveyard for broken-down cars, rust-bucket boats, and dilapidated trailers, all hiding in grass that hasn’t seen a mower since the Clinton administration. If you’re looking for a used stove or refrigerator, you’ll find plenty on his front lawn.

The Noise Maker. Oblivious that some people actually need sleep, this guy starts revving his diesel truck well before the sun comes up, eliminating the neighborhood’s need for alarm clocks. He also mows his lawn, trims the hedges, and pressure cleans the house before you’ve had your first sip of coffee. Somebody needs to slip a Valium into this joker’s cup of java.

The Pot Stirrers. These troublemakers have too much time and alcohol on their hands, and they thrive on stirring up trouble. Their goal is to pit neighbor against neighbor and husband against wife by spreading lies and nasty rumors. Obviously they missed their true calling—as scriptwriters for Telemundo soaps.

The Pet Hoarders. Forget stamp collecting. These people collect unneutered dogs and cats, who roam the streets and mate faster than mice in a pet store. These flea-infested pets howl and bark all night, keeping the entire block awake.

If you have neighbors like this, my advice is that you install air gun turrets on your roof and keep watch with night vision goggles and an infrared scope. Welcome to the neighborhood!







*This post originally appeared on In The Powder Room and in my book, Who Stole My Spandex? 

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm up on The Huffington Post this week AND Vibrant Nationtalking about the Eight Things I Never Knew About Raising Adult Children. You can read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/eight-thins-i-never-knew_b_7942858.html and here: http://www.vibrantnation.com/groups/other-topics/blog/eight-things-i-never-knew-about-having-adult-children/



67 comments:

  1. Hahahaha I know ALL these! Telemundo scriptwriters, lmao. Or Lifetime!!

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  2. I have every single one of these neighbors, some in duplicate, except the noisemaker. The noisemaker would be my oldest son.

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  3. Nosy neighbors are the WORST.

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    1. They're usually the gossipers on the block, too!

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  4. It's funny - I have a post coming up in the next week or so on how lovely it is to know your neighbours - BUT I must confess to doing a happy dance or two when the renters behind us moved out and took their two neglected, bark at EVERYTHING at all hours of the day and night dogs with them. And why do children always squeal piercingly when a swimming pool is involved? Great post as usual Marcia :) ~ Leanne

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    1. Renters are the WORST because they don't care who they annoy since most are only living there temporarily. And gawd yes---the sound of kids screaming in the pool drives me INSANE.

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  5. When we first moved into our house 11 years ago, there was a security light on the side of the house that was apparently and very inadvertently turned on. Our neighbor was standing in our driveway when I arrived home one night around 9 pm with my then very small children after a long day of work (for me), school and activities (for them). She was blocking my garage door and screaming about the light. And by screaming she didn't leave out a single profanity. I advised her to that I wasn't aware the light was on and would turn it off right away. She then walked to the light and proceeded to try to tear it down. Fortunately she was so drunk that she had no strength and coordination to carry out the act. She fell in the bushes and I pulled into the garage, immediately closing the door before getting out of the car. I heard her screaming for about another 15 minutes and then it got quiet. Either she went into her house or passed out in the bushes. Don't know, don't care...we haven't spoken or made eye contact since.

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    1. OMG she sounds like a psycho---and a drunk one at that! Keep praying that she moves far, far away!!!

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  6. Marcia, I have the nosey neighbor who has now become the care taker of my building. The man needs a life as he is on a power trip. I'll do the happy dance if either he moves or I move... (he actually vacuumed the hallways after 9:30pm and my daughter is in bed at 9:00pm... not to mention he doesn't work) .. I know where you are coming from... ♡ xox

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    1. Wow---he sounds ridiculously rude. Ad he really needs to get a life!

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  7. Ugh the sad thing is we're probably one these neighbors, except we're the "the junky neighbors" We're always doing a project in our backyard...so it always looks messy in there.

    Although we have the "I let my kids run all over" neighbors too, and by run all over I mean run into the street and never look....not the I'm visiting so and so's house like a responsible kid. I'm glad our neighborhood is safe enough that kids can feel free to run around, but lord. not when we're driving around.

    liz @ sundays with sophie

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    1. That always scares me when I see the kids running out in the street without looking both ways first. I'd have a heart attack for sure!

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  8. Living in close proximity to others can be challenging. I always appreciate when a neighbor gives me a "heads up" about a loud party... that way I can plan to go out:)

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    1. YES! Now THAT is a conscientious neighbor!

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  9. All of those horrible neighbors lived in my old neighborhood! It was a nightmare. We built a new house and it's been smooth sailing since!

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  10. This was so funny! I live in an apartment complex, so I think it's not quite as bad. Especially because you can complain to management! I can't believe you had a neighbor who cut your Christmas lights, poisoned your plants and filmed you! Holy psycho!

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    1. Oh yeah-----she was C-R-A-Z-Y. Our whole neighborhood was relieved when she finally moved out. She did crappy stuff to everyone.

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  11. Hmmm, once again considers skipping the home ownership stage and going strait to the snowbird RV lifestyle.

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    1. Hey, I'm right there with you---totally ready to buy an RV!

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  12. I feel pretty lucky as I really like almost all my neighbors. I've got just 1 neighbor from hell!

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    1. You are very lucky. Steer clear from the bad one!

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  13. I have great neighbors especially when the tree of one fell into our pool...but that's another story for another day. Now, security guards, that's a whole nother story as told on my blog today! Have an awesome weekend.

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  14. Oh, my god... This made me laugh. I think I've lived next to most of these people :) We actually have some very nosy neighbors now and they drive me completely bonkers. Also they have kids who yell good morning to us through the walls (at 7am nonetheless) and they are CONSTANTLY in our business. Very irritating.

    Who in the hell would poison your plants? OR STEAL CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!? THE HELL?!?!?

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    1. Our neighbor from several years ago was a crazy Bee-otch, believe me. However, I don't envy you the nosy neighbors. Geez, the kids waking you every morning? I would have lost my sh** by now.

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  15. Haha!!! The only neighbors we don't like are right across the street, our cat must know our feelings towards them because he once pooped in their front yard while our whole family was outside.

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  16. Yeah, my worst neighbours grew pot in their basement - after they buried their grandparents down there . . .

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    1. Whaaaaa??? Surely you jest! If not, you need to write a blog post about that!!!

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  17. My neighborhood is going from peaceful cul-de-sac to hell at an alarming rate. A woman with 8-completely out of control kids (that we felt sorry for and bought toys and more for until they stole from us) A younger couple moved back in with their parents two-doors-down. They drink from Thursday-Sunday and by Sunday night every week they have a knock-down drag out fight until the police come. I could go on and on. We are going to move but bad neighbors could be anywhere.

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    1. That's horrible! Good thing you're going to move!

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  18. SO funny Marcia!! How about the neighbors who have the NON-STOP barking dog? We have considered moving because of this...

    Grr....

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    1. Oh yes! We had someone like this once. They lived one block over and had five dogs that they left outside, plus several loud, exotic birds. Between the barking and screeching, I thought I was going to go crazy. Luckily they moved away.

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  19. My next door neighbor came over one day waving a piece of paper and proceeded to scream for the next 33 minutes about how I stole her electricity. We have privacy fences so it would have been very difficult especially since she, her husband and the brats were here (their secondary home; the also have a primary home.) I just said the last part because I know a lot of people with second homes usually called their country bungalow. even if it's a mansion in the Hamptons, especially if....Then she proceeded to tell me we have an unwritten restrictive covenant. They're Jewish like me and are attorneys, unlike me but I do know that "unwritten restrictive covenant" is both an oxymoron and impossible.
    I was so befuddled and amazed I just stood there and finally said "you must really hate the color turgoise" the color I had painted my house and had asked their permission.
    They then installed a security camera to monitor my house. Legally they had to tell me but refused to so the installer did as I'm pretty known here and liked.
    It took me awhile to feel comfortable in my own yard!

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    1. That's awful----they took away so much of your freedom and privacy! I hope they're leaving you alone now.

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  20. I moved in next to the poop spreader. He'd actually trained his dog to poop on our yard. Seriously thought about a flaming bag of poop on his doorstep.

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    1. You should do it! He sounds like a total A**

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  21. We've definitely had some nosy neighbors in the past. One neighbor's son used to climb the fence and look into our backyard. It always drove me crazy...

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  22. If you could have met my condo neighbors, the one who were pure evil, who tormented me, then my tenant, than me, who were meaner than snakes & who caused me to sell AT A LOSS to get away from them? Well, I shudder to think!

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    1. That's HORRIBLE but probably worth spending a little extra money just to get away from them!

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  23. I don't mind the nosy neighbors, they are good lookouts for burglars and partying teenagers. We did have a pot stirrer once and she would try to stir up drama between my husband and me. We sure as shootin didn't fall for any of it. Turns out she was miserable in her marriage and I guess you know how misery loves company...

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    1. Those ladies are the worst. They hate to see another couple happy and will do anything to break them apart.

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  24. Yep - we've had all of these except the hoarders, and we bought our old place from one of them - lots of interesting finds in the garden there!

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    1. OMG you'll have to share this story some time!

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  25. We have a couple of pot stirrers in this complex and a couple of nosy busy bodies and one real junk yard although those who live in the junk yard are in fact nice people and the ones we talk to the most but not inside their house which stinks to high heaven.

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    1. Yuck! Well, at least they're nice to you….

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  26. Hi Marcia: Hysterical post!!! We're lucky in that we live in a very rural town in the Smoky Mountains and our nearest neighbor is one mile away. However, when we lived in Florida we lived in a community "Gardens of Gulf Cove" with next-door neighbors. Most were awesome as you said. But it's those 1% that keep it reeeeeal interesting. lol Clue: pet raccoons and strobe lawn lights. lol ;)

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    1. Oh no!!! Yes, all it takes is one bad apple to ruin the block….

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  27. Good neighbors are so important. It doesn't matter where you live in the world, some of those you listed are everywhere. We live in a flat, so of course you have to be respectful of your neighbors. We have two characters across the way in another building that seem to do what we do. I buy a tree light, and soon after, they have one. And they're weird! We call them the crazy couple. LOL!

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    1. Well, I guess you could look at it as a form of flattery since they're copying you… LOL!

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  28. I can add a category to your list. The Drug Dealers. We once lived by drug dealers who had a steady stream of expensive cars stopping to buy inventory. Crazytown and the police did nothing about it. Bigger fish to fry.

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    1. Yikes! Now that is what I would call SCARY neighbors!

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  29. Lolzzz I guess we all have these type of neighbors in common lol

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    1. Yes---I think everyone can relate to one of these people in their life!

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  30. We always say we're the trashy neighbors, and we probably are, but really, our neighbors love us and we love them. This was funny!

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    1. You're very lucky. Great neighbors means a nice, relaxed neighborhood.

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  31. Hey, try living in a Toronto apartment complex where I've had to deal with the following:

    1. People who pooped on the stairs. (Not dogs. People. The dogs know better.)
    2. A crazy neighbour upstairs who used to scream, "F--K YOU! F--K YOU! F--K YOU!" But I never heard anyone else respond. Finally I mentioned something to management and I said, "I'm concerned that maybe there's a woman up there when he gets that angry, I don't know who he's yelling at," and they told me, "He lives alone."
    3. Party boys who of course chose *my* end of *my* floor to move into a few years ago. (They're gone now, thankfully.) Who the hell has to be told anymore that you can't have super-loud parties when you live in an apartment complex? Seriously? Even young people? Not to mention the friends LOUDLY traipsing through the hallway at all hours of the night because it was nigh unto IMPOSSIBLE for them to come and go quietly.
    4. Some old guy got beaten to death outside my apartment last summer around this time. I don't think the perps were from my building, and they *were* apprehended. Still, I don't worry at all about my own safety...this s**t can happen anywhere.
    5. People who don't grasp the concept of poop 'n' scoop with their dogs. I love animals & how animal-friendly Ontario is (after the passage of the "Fluffy" law several years ago) but I don't love their poop on the lawn.

    So anyway, I'm glad your neighbours aren't as horrid anymore...may your continued good fortune, uh, continue :)

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    1. I still can't get past the human poop on the stairs…..WTF is wrong with people?!?

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  32. I am so lucky to have great neighbors. No bother, clean, neat and friendly but not too much. I have lived with bad neighbors and it can be miserable.

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  33. I don't mind the nosy ones as I can ignore that. But the noise makers can really get to my nerve. I think they're everywhere. :P

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  34. My neighbors are mostly jerks but yours (except for some of them lol) sound pretty awesome. Lice? *shudder* Also the photo at the end cracks me up!!

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  35. I have one very nosy, crabby, snotty neighbor.

    She hates my cat & probably hates me, too!

    Anyhow...

    xx kiss from MN.

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  36. Your neighbors filmed you, oy that's awful. I hate to live next to the neighbor who doesn't give a hoot about their lawn in the summer, their snow in the winter, or their house paint when it's peeling in the wind.

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