Friday, January 6, 2017
How To Age (Somewhat) Gracefully In The New Year
A new year is also a reminder that time is fleeting, and many mid-lifers begin searching for alternative strategies to slow down the aging process and reclaim their lost youth. Here's a few ideas to help you look your best in 2017:
COMBAT WRINKLES: People who want instant results are the first in line for Botox injections. This is fine if you want lips that look like you've been sucking on a tailpipe or if you prefer your duck face smile to be permanent. Skip the botulinum toxins and get yourself a good face cream with plenty of SPF. No more tanning by the pool, unless you want to be mistaken for a large prune.
LOSE WEIGHT: Cut out burgers, pizza and Chinese takeout from your diet. In other words, cut out everything you love and eat only the things you hate. This way, you'll eat less. Boiled zucchini, anyone?
NO MORE ALCOHOL: You should cut out all alcoholic beverages if possible. Uh-huh. This is usually the first resolutions that's broken. Research shows that Pomegranates are loaded with antioxidants, so drink a pomegranate martini and you'll be just fine.
EXERCISE MORE: The definition of exercise changes when you get older. In your 30's, you can easily run a 10K with your friends. But by the time you reach 60, exercise consists of walking outside to retrieve the newspaper (as long as the paper is near the front door). If you want to bump up your cardio, lug the trashcan from the end of your driveway to the side of your house. You'll burn even more calories if you move all your neighbor's trash cans, too.
GOOD GROOMING HABITS: Keep the Sherwood Forest in your nose neatly trimmed. If necessary, grab a hedge trimmer to get the excess foliage out of your nostrils. Nip those chin hairs and skin tags too, while you're at it. Also, toe nails become more brittle as you age, and are harder to cut. If they're super thick, you might need a chainsaw to trim those suckers.
IMPROVED SEX LIFE: If you want to feel 30 again, have sex three times a week with the help of Premarin or Viagra. Consider spicing things up in the bedroom with role playing and costumes. But no Disney or Star Wars characters, please. No one wants to make love to Yoda or Olaf.
DYE YOUR HAIR: Some people look like beautiful, silver foxes when they gray. But if you're anything like me, the grays are a wiry salt & pepper mix that belong on the head of a wort-nosed witch. No thanks. I've discovered that a blend of blonde and neon purple make me look like a kid who belongs in an emo band. It tricks me into thinking I'm seventeen again.
DELETE NEGATIVITY: It's time to disconnect from anyone who lies to you, judges you, gossips behind your back or does not appreciate you for who you are. These people drain the joy out of your battery life until you're depleted. Jump start the battery by dumping the people who make you feel like shit and find new friends who appreciate your individuality. Surround yourself with positive people and your world will be a happier place full of butterflies, daisies, and chocolate cupcakes (okay, I made that part up).
THINK YOUNG: "Age is just a number." yeah, it's a BIG number, but it's still just a number and you shouldn't let it define who you are. You want to stay up late and party with the younger crowd? It's okay to nap a few hours before you head out the door (ain't no shame in the nap game). Try seeing the world with fresh eyes instead of with your magnifying glasses. Remember who you were in the 1970's when Led Zeppelin topped the music charts and channel your inner teenage soul.
Make 2017 your best year yet. Pack away that Yoda costume, grab a pomegranate martini and toast to the new, younger you. Cheers!