Friday, May 4, 2018

A Message From My Closet

     My closet and I have a love-hate relationship. First of all, it's a dark abyss overstuffed with clothes from a thirty year span in fashion. You know what I'm referring to---fat clothes and the skinny clothes I just can't let go of....yet. I'm still holding out hope that this Whole 30 diet thing will make me thin. It would probably help though if I gave up my weekend wine.

     I've been body shamed before, but somehow, it's even worse when my own closet betrays me. I've tried to ignore the signs, but unlike my scale, my closet never lies. The messages it has been sending lately are coming in loud and clear:


Padded shoulder jackets are NOT coming back into style, even though stirrup pants have. 

The last time you wore stilettos, your ankle folded while stepping off a curb in front of Duffy's Bar. It's time to consider orthopedic footwear.

Boy George called. He wants his Fedora Flat Top back.

Those size six mom jeans are going to do more than cut off your circulation. When your brain becomes deprived of oxygen, it'll take four paramedics and the Jaws of Life to get you out of them.

Oversized, animal print totes are so yesterday. Do you really want to be mistaken for a middle-aged woman carrying around a dead zebra?

There's a reason why your Nike Air running shoes still look brand new.

It's time to sell the tight Y2K cocktail dress on Letgo.

Have you ever heard of control top panels?


Stop wearing the sepia coat. You look like a raw spud.

A rainbow sequined tube top. REALLY?

You might want to check out that sale on Hawaiian muumuus at Walmart this week....


   

     Perhaps these comments are a cry for help from my closet, or just a sign that it's time to purge the abyss. Either way, I see a major clothes shopping spree in my future.





***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? You can find me on Motherly this week, discussing a head lice epidemic: https://www.mother.ly/parenting/the-5-stages-of-head-lice-from-denial-to-depression


15 comments:

  1. Ah yes. The betrayal of our closets. I can so relate to this. I have a hard time letting go of stuff I never wear as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it is a dilemma many of us females face.

      Delete
  2. Wish I lived closer. There are few things I think are more fun than cleaning out a closet!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are welcome to come over anytime and help me.

      Delete
  3. I laughed so hard at this! I also have a closet from the past. The size zero skinny jeans aren't happening ever again. The fabric would explode the minute it reached my hips. The crop top? Yes, they did make their comeback, but on thin college-age girls. Not 30-somethings with a mom pouch. Hahaha. I guess its time I start listening too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so hard to let go of the dream of wearing skinny jeans again.....

      Delete
  4. My closet screams at me so loudly that I have to close the door!

    ReplyDelete
  5. My closet shrinks things. True story.

    ReplyDelete
  6. If my closet could talk, I shudder to think what she would say. Clothes growing spider webs are a sign I must throw out. Size 6? Who am I kiddin?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Geez, I haven't been a size six in 20 years, lol!!

      Delete
  7. I have purged here and there over the years, but I have a pair of Michael's jeans, size zero, haven't been able to get into them in years but I am NEVER letting those suckers go!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heck yeah---hang onto those jeans. A girl can still dream, right?

      Delete
  8. OMG, this was so funny!
    I could actually imagine the closets talking to us and what would they be thinking/talking about us or the person who owns it ;)hehe...how cutely and humorously you and Karen can bring these details to life. I love you guys for making me smile every time I read your posts.

    Thank You Always!
    Hugs,

    www.thepositivewindow.com

    ReplyDelete

Shareaholic

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...