Saturday, May 19, 2012

Menopausal Mean

                                                                             
 I'm a pretty likable person. Dependable. Responsible. Compassionate. I'll laugh at your corny jokes just because you think they're funny. I'll let my fettuccine Alfredo congeal while I sit on the phone and listen to your latest family drama that sounds like it was scripted from the Bravo channel. I'll even babysit your pet wolverine and never, ever force you to attend a Tupperware party with me. I'm the loyal friend/wife/mother whom everyone likes to have in their corner.
     But then there are those ominous days when I'm ready to whip out the chain saw, and you'd better start running if you don't want to lose a limb...or something worse. Blame it on the moon, hormonal imbalance or the fact that ABC cancelled Desperate Housewives; I have no explanation for it. There are no warning bells or weather forecasts advising you of an impending hurricane. It just...happens, and that's when I become the Luke Skywalker you never knew---the one who gives in to the dark side. The kids take cover and the husband decides it's time to actually run all those errands I asked him to do six months ago (sorry, but you can't use snow shoveling as an excuse in July). My lightning temper and Medusa gaze will turn you into ashes or stone, so the LAST thing I want you to
do is tell me that someone already ate that last slice of chocolate rum pie in the refrigerator. Or that you accidentally threw my favorite "dry clean only" blouse in the washing machine.
     Years ago when my mother was angry over a perceived injustice in our house, she'd threaten, "Heads are going to roll!"  As a teenager, I thought that was a bit drastic, if not archaic.
     Now I understand. Hot flashes. Insomnia. Mood swings. Weight gain. Bloating. And for crying-out-loud, thinning hair! Little crop circles are forming at my temples from years of ponytail abuse. Suddenly I've morphed into the sadistic Queen Of Hearts shrieking after Alice, "Off with her head!" No Pollyanna sweetness here while I'm in the throes of a menopausal meltdown. You'd better learn to duck, dodge and snap on some protective gear.
     It takes a day or two (okay a week) for my sanity to return. Once I've purged those nasty, ill feelings like an overdose of bad seafood, I make sure that the carnage I've caused has been neatly vacuumed away and peace restored to the kingdom.
     And what about the king? Men rarely get much notice in the matters of menopause. They can "share" in our pregnancy joys and woes, but I don't know any man willing to take on night sweats, fatigue, cellulite or vaginal dryness second only to the Sahara Desert (yes, I said it). They don't ask for these symptoms but they suffer through them anyway, because most women don't want to deal with this stuff alone. Misery loves company after all.
     I know plenty of females dealing with this so-called "awesome" change-of-life experience. And some of them deserve it. But what do the husbands do when their wives switch from sporting a Victoria's Secret wardrobe to wearing large, flower print tarps and fluorescent Crocs?
     For the "maleopause" perspective, I turned to my friend and fellow blogger Kc, and asked him to fill in the gaps here for the bewildered females teetering on the edge of hormonal imbalance.
     The first time I read Kc's blog at http://KetchupchipsUSA.blogspot.com/  I was hooked. He shoots straight from the hip with blog posts that are witty, raw and opinionated, and I find his honesty a refreshing change in the blogosphere world. His posts make you think, possibly spark a debate or two, but his sharp command of the English language and unique brand of humor keeps me coming back for more...which is why I have asked him to do me the honor here of sharing his perspective on "maleopause."



                                                                 MALEOPAUSE


     I'm honored that Menopausal Mother asked me to write a little something from the male perspective about female menopause. I warn you, I'm not a church deacon, nor am I "ecologically focused." I'm just like all the men you know, but I have a pen. I said a pen!
     Some perspective. Half of me says I'm not worthy; the other half says I have a valid point of view, and the third half says, "run away---danger lieth ahead!" I guess that makes three halves, which explains why I can't do my jacket up anymore. Menopausal Mother is a gifted writer, and her readers mean a lot to her. I hope I don't offend them all!  

     Let me give you a simple primer from the male perspective. As you might suspect (they are going to kick me out of the club for this), men are not that complicated. Our "feelings" are something we show ONLY if we think it might get you to take your shirt off. We have only two emotional states---hungry for food and hungry for...something else.                                          
     But there is a deeper perspective.
     One that we don't talk about in front of you.
     The other truism is that we are all scared, little boys inside. We are afraid that you won't like us; that you will think we are weak and that we can't fix everything(or anything) just by squaring our jaw and forging ahead. We're desperately afraid that you aren't happy, and truth be told, we'd give up anything we have to make you happy. Now, we can't TELL you these things because the first rule of the Fight Club is that you don't talk about the Fight Club, but we really do think about it.
     You gotta trust me on this one.
     We can't fix what you are going through, so we make rude jokes, fiddle with tools, watch sports on TV, give each other high fives and hope that you all don't notice that we are essentially useless. And we men take as a given that we cannot tell you how much we really, really, really care about you. And that is hard.
     Maleopause is a myth. It is punctuated by loud cars, "road trips" and ogling 25 year old waitresses in a ridiculous, compensatory, desperate and flaccid attempt at pretending that we still have relevance in your lives; our own lives are actually measured more by what YOU do, than what we've done.
     Your grace and beauty at this time in your lives is something we can never understand or appreciate or even cope with. So the next time we open a door for you, or pull back a chair at a restaurant or even call you "Honey",  know that it comes straight from the heart, and we mean it. With all our hearts. We're just too weak and scared to say it.
     And every once in a long while if you could forget your shirt, that would be okay, too...

http://KetchupchipsUSA.blogspot.com


102 comments:

  1. Oh wow - brilliant perspective. Well done to both of you...

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    1. Thank you, Bodacious! I couldn't have done it without Kc!

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    2. Bah, mm has the touch. I'm just cannon fodder for her wit. She does have a perspective, but the medusa pictures have now got me scared. I've been shot at, blown up, on fire and backwards, but that pic has scared me stiff. I once knew a guy that had three wives ( in Dubai) and I asked how he kept them all straight and happy. He told me he kept "copious notes". That guy was a man on a mission - of self preservation!

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  2. This is truly awesome! I can totally related to the woman side of course, but to hear a male's perspective, just blew me away. Hmm, wonder if my hubs is suffering from maleopause? ;)

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    1. Kc will be happy to hear this! Share it with your Hubby to see if he can relate!

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    2. Does he have a secret food item that he hoards from you? How bout hot sauce. When my SO is on a terror I use a lot of hot sauce. The only way to really dull the pain is to not avoid the pain, but to creat more of it. Less jack, more Tabasco.....if he has a food mistress, then he is in maleopause....if he has a real mistress, take all his money. Leave his clothes though. Have a heart.....

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  3. I must say this entry got me thinking. Nice perspectives to help me prepare for life's next phase. As always, love your humour :)

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    1. Noir, you can't prepare, just live in the now. Know the knowns, know the unknowns and every once in awhile, wear your partners shoes. You'd be amazed at how sticky they'll are.

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    2. Thank you Noir HA. I appreciate your visits and comments, and most of all, that you enjoy my sense of humor!

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  4. Love reading your blog! I'm a new follower and it would be great if you could follow back. Thanks!

    http://beautyloveandlipgloss.blogspot.com/

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    1. Hi Gina! Thank you for the visit and for following my blog! I will certainly hop over to yours and check it out!

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  5. That was such a very good (and funny) post. Your blog never fails to make me laugh. I am following your friend.

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    1. Thank you for doing that. Belly Dancer! I'm sure Kc will appreciate it. And thanks for the compliment on the post!

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  6. Not again. You gave me such a good laugh. I just enjoy how you put things on here, a mixture of fact and giggle. I can just picture everyone taking cover when you go through your crisis moment ha ha ha.

    Also enjoyed Ketchup Chips part as well, double whammy I call it. I'll be back for more of course. Great Post.

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    1. Aw, thanks so much for the compliment! I really do turn into that hideous Medusa when I'm on a bad mood swing bender! Also glad you liked Kc's input. Visit his blog some time when you get a chance!

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  7. Fun blog. Loved seeing Menopause from the Men's perspective ;)

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    1. We had fun working on this project together, too. I love getting a fresh perspective on things, and I thought his touching words are something every woman needs to hear!

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  8. Little crop circles are forming at my temples from years of ponytail abuse

    Okay, I'm going to stop having my hair in ponytail. Haha...

    I have no idea what it's like to be menopause... but, it's interesting to hear how a male think :)

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    1. Seriously, this is what happens to your hair after years of pulling it back off your face! I'm already bugging my hairdresser to find some sort of magic hair growth lotion to fix the problem! Getting old is NOT always fun!

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  9. Great blog. Interesting male perspective......Your humor really tickles my funny bone.

    Nancy Barnette May 20,2012

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  10. I can relate, I need a menopausal muzzle.

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    1. Haha! Now there's a new invention!

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    2. I will take a dozen. Various sizes please, I need to play it safe as she is retaining water,,,

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  11. Thank you for the information .. You deliver information with a cheerful style. Once again thank you.

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    1. You're most welcome! Glad you find my blog Cheerful!

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  12. Nice post, your way of writing is great indeed.
    MALEOPAUSE thats a very new term for me.Never heard of that , I being a Doctor myself. But a good one.

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    1. The term fits so many men I know...even if it is made-up, haha!

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  13. Wow! brilliantly presented both the prospective. You both are awesome! :)

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    1. Thank you, Kitty! We had fun working on this one, and I'd certainly be open to doing it again!

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  14. Gee golly that's nice of you to say. Mm is gifted and funny and writes about the thing she knows most about. Estrogen.

    I write about grilled cheese sandwiches and smart cars and any other literary butterfly that swings by. I once told on of mr readers who was an aspiring singer that he should never speak in public above a whisper ever again. So much for his rap career....

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    1. But Kc, you really do make great grilled cheese sandwiches!

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  15. This guy makes me look forward to maleopause. Awesome.

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  16. I LOVE what Kc said in this blog post and recommend it to ALL of male readers!

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  17. Funny stuff. I'm heading there myself. I get these heatwaves at work and have to keep asking my co-workers if they felt it. They usually say "yes", yet they're probably having hot flashes themselves. And I just let my ponytail out am am truly afraid, haha. Great guest post too. I'm going to check out his site.

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    1. Thanks for the visit, and yes, please do check out Kc's blog site! Yeah, you have to watch out for those ponytails---pretty soon you'll end up trying to find creative ways to cover up those weird temple spots like I am. It sucks to get old!!!

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  18. Thanks for providing the male viewpoint, and for allowing KC to do so, MM! Going to check out his blog right now. Always good to know what they have to deal with with *us*...although I hope I don't have to deal with hair loss!!! I can put up with the Sahara Desert if I must but please, not my hair! ;)

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    1. Unfortunately, ALL the symptoms are bad. Why can't we have our middle age knowledge but the functioning body and good looks of a 29 year old???

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  19. Wow! am so delighted to be here. I love your blog.

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    1. I'm so glad you stopped by and that I was able to bring a smile to your face today. Thank you!!!

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  20. So funny yet so true... this blog made me laugh and of course say a lot of oh yeah, that's me, hehe...

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    1. Good! I'm glad you could relate...after all, we're all in this together!!! Smile!

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  21. Your artikel Very importan, I hope you follow my Blog too http://techcrunchcar.blogspot.com/

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  22. Hi, I enjoyed reading your this posting, ha ha, can see you take no prisoners! Good for you.
    Chainsaw and all.
    Couldn't help smiling at your humour. I guess what you articulated so eloquently sure rings bells, ha ha...
    I plead guilty!
    You have a nice day, and keep a song in your heart.
    Best regards.
    Lee.

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    1. Thank you so much, Lee! I always do keep that song in my heart!

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  23. really really rare blog. very interesting..
    but still give me a little time to understand the mis-understanding scientific words you used all over. its very interesting to read your blog. I will be your 100 follower of the blog. So I deserve a chocolate for your 100th blog follower. right?

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    1. YES! You deserve a chocolate! Thanks for reading and following!

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    2. Now i have another intention to read all your blog posts.
      its for my mother who is in your age. through your posts I will feel my mom.

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  24. Loved the posting and gosh can certainly connect with the feelings. Thanks for the laugh

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    1. Glad you got a chuckle out of it and could relate to it!

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  25. I also forgot to tell you that I am Stopping by to tell you that you were tagged in the 11 question Tag Your It meme.

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  26. It seems you have a knack for making people laugh. Myself included. You have a unique perspective on life, and a great attitude. Thank-you for enriching my day once again.

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    1. Aw, thanks Jon! You always say the nicest things! I am so pleased that you enjoy my blog posts so much---it means the world to me!

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  27. Nice blog and posts .
    Visit my blog LOYFLY

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    1. Thanks for the visit, Kulwant! I'll certainly check out your blog!

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  28. Witty as always! :)
    I wish I could write that well!

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    1. Thank you so much for the compliment, -N-. I'm glad that you took the time to stop by and read my post. I like to make people laugh at life, and I'm happy that I was able to do that for you!

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  29. I hadn't had estrogen in me for over 25 years due to chemotherapy putting me through early menopause. Then recently my doc put me on HRT. Dear God! Raging hormones AND hot flashes. Talk about meltdowns and anger. My poor fiance, (who's 23 years younger. We live in Mexico) made the sign of the cross with his fingers and yelled, "Get back little diablo!"

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    1. Oh that is too funny! I heard that HRTs do that to women--I'm trying to avoid it as long as possible!

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    2. Ella entonces lo había tostado y arrancó de mi piel.

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  30. Haha! I enjoyed reading your post! It really made me laugh! You're a great writer- very witty!

    xoxo
    -Shar

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    1. Thanks Shar! I appreciate the compliments and the fact that you joined my blog site as a follower!

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  31. I'm touched...aww! :) Your writing is as witty as your friend Kc. I've learned many things in your posts, not just this one. I'd say I'd pick up some I can apply or at least understand when I'm in this phase of my life. :D

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    1. Kc did a great job here---I hope all men treat their women as nice as I believe he does...or at least that they think the way he does about females!

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    2. Awwww shucks Joan. You made me all a jiggly inside! Grin! I was raised a gentlemen, and so far it has served me well. I actually tried to be a bad boy once, but I found that I only attracted women with issues. Dental issues.

      Hah. I slay me.

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  32. Dear Mama, thanks for sharing this useful post. Wish you a great weekend.

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  33. Dear MM,
    Your posts really make me laugh - I can certainly empathise ;-)

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  34. 'sahara desert'....That's quite the image. Anyway, I would like to point out that I have more than two hungers. I have THREE; one of them is good books.

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    1. I have to admit, the Sahara Desert was my hubby's idea--we had a good laugh over that one. But I'm with you on the book thing---hard to put a good book down!!!

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  35. Always enjoy visiting your blog. Have a great day!

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    1. Always a pleasure to have you visit, Diane! I truly appreciate that you are following my posts!

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  36. I can certainly relate to your menopause post. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Also I enjoyed KC's take on the subject. (I have removed my shirt in his honor.)

    I'm glad I found your blog. I will be a regular reader from here on out.

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    1. I'm so glad you like the blog, Leeuna, and that you will become a regular reader. Most of all, I'm sure Kc would appreciate the shirt removal! Thanks for reading us!

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    2. I have flowers and chocolates all lined up! If I knew it was this easy, I could have saved a lot of money on liquor and expensive cars.

      Sheesh....

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  37. Now following after finding your request on the Bloggers site.

    We had a rough few years a while back but now my wife's past the menapausal state and things have been very peaceful.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Thanks for coming over to visit my site, Arlee! Your wife (and you!) are lucky to be past the menopausal state---I look FORWARD to that stage of my life when peace is restored!!!

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  38. Really a serious topic and you present as a chocolate style, I appreciate and fan of your writing on topics, presentation of pictures and style also creative. Post leave deep impacts on the reader, After reading this for a moment he feels that a part of it. Keep sharing.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you like it and can relate to it. We're all in this together, after all!

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  39. I am here again, it's weekend here, I plant to climb Mount Ciremai but now I am feeling not good so I do blog walking.

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    1. Hope you are feeling better Abeg. You really want to make that climb? You are far braver than I am!

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  40. Great job! Good to share about the contrasts between males & females. Looking out for more!

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    1. Thanks Amit for the visit, and I hope you will return for more post updates!

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  41. I just tagged you in a post! I hope you'll play along, but if not no worries! Hope all is well!!
    http://jleesblog.com/2012/06/06/3-deep-thoughts-by-jlee/

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    1. Thank you for thinking of me, Jlee. I'll hop over to your blog now and do my best!

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  42. i'm not too god in english, so i can't understand well from your post. but i think it's great post.
    by the way, i've followed ur blog, please follow http://catatan-harian-auni.blogspot.com/ ..
    i'm from bloggers

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    1. Very nice of you to try to read my blog post--hope you were able to get some humor from it!

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  43. I just tagged you for the Sunshine Bloggers Award. I hope you'll do it, but if not I understand completely. The rules are on my last blog post. Have a great day:)

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    1. Thank you very much for considering me! I will go and check that out now!

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  44. Replies
    1. Glad you like it and thanks for the visit!

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  45. love the menopause mean article u wrote so true and very difficult to deal I am still not in but i know many women who have undergone it man its worse than the regular "monthly visitor"(ladies problem)beautiful written I loved it.

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    1. Yes, it isn't exactly a fun time! But I'm glad you enjoyed reading my post!

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  46. Its a great post that you have it over there !! I especially loved the Male take on this !!I believe that Males do undergo Emotional Maleo-pause at their mid 40s too. Kind of simile with their female counterparts !!

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    1. You are so correct---couldn't have done this without Kc's input!

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  47. For men, there term male menopause is somewhat of a colloquial one. Menopause is understood as something a woman undergoes when the aging process accelerates. So, when the term male menopause is mentioned, there is a clear understanding that an age related biological process is what is being discussed.

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  48. This is a very informative article. Take a look at this video that could complement your article: Shocking Truth about Hormone Replacement Therapy

    Create more informative articles just like this one. I will bookmark this page. Goodluck.

    ReplyDelete

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