If you were a fly on the wall in my house this month, this is what you would have heard:
"You're an emotional hurricane leaving a trail of Nutella jars and empty wine bottles in your wake."
"I'm not sure that steak-on-a-stick you ate at the festival was really a steak."
"You're right. It tasted more like German-Shepherd-on-a-stick."
"The world just gave me protein. I swallowed a large bug while I was out riding my bike."
"Oh look! The dog is dragging her butt across the carpet. If she picks up enough dust particles, I won't have to vacuum. She's a pug butt Swifter."
"Hangover is such a harsh word. Let's just say I have the wine flu."
" I wanted a poop supporter, not a fecal friend."
"I'm so full from your cooking that I can't find my navel anymore. I think my stomach has grown a worm hole."
"There is nothing more awkward than having to hold hands and 'partner up' with a sweaty stranger in Zumba class."
"I'm not doing this upcoming road trip unless the doctor doubles up on my meds."
"Oh great, that's all I need----a wife in La La Land flirting with dementia."
"His snoring is driving me crazy. He sounds like truffle-sniffing pig when he sleeps."
"I'm not listening to you. I've retreated into my blogger bubble."
"You would have made a good pirate."
"Why? Because of my thirst for rum?"
"No---because of the grunting noises you make when you eat meat….and the fact that you haven't showered in three days."
"There's just something wrong with a dog who licks his genitals, then turns around to lick your face."
"I think it's time to go shopping. My underwear drawer looks like it has been ravaged by moths."
"There's a fine line between my love for food and not wanting to get fat….but sometimes that line gets blurred."
"My liver better hurry up and regenerate because I've been drinking a lot lately."
"Sprinkle Miracle Grow on it. Better yet, start a liver harvesting farm: cornfed and hormone free."
"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear your mother dropped you on your head when you were born."
You heard it here first, folks. It's official. I'm living in Nutsville and there's no escape. Got a jar of Nutella you can spare?
***Other places you can find Menopausal Mother this week: Got writer's block? Read: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/pigs-poodles-and-possums/ Are you a Facebook fossil? Read: http://humorwriters.org/2014/03/15/facebook-fossil/ Check out my interview with Kathy Radigan of My Dishwasher's Possessed at: http://mydishwasherspossessed.com/2014/03/marcia-kester-doyle-menopausal-mother-getting-possessed-kathy-dishwasher/
For more laughter, please visit all the bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall group posting!
http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado
http://www.therowdybaker.com The Rowdy Baker
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/ Just A Little Nutty
http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade
http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl
http://followmehome.shellybean.com Follow me home . . .
http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools
http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.menopausalmom.com/ Menopausal Mother
http://www.pinkheartstring.com Pink Heart String
http://spinstersnacks.com Spinster Snacks
http://www.juiceboxconfession.com Juicebox Confession