Please welcome this funny, sweet lady to Meno Mama's site today and shower her with lots of comment love!
WHY WOMEN HAVE SHITTY BRAS
I hate bra shopping – actually I don’t just hate, I loathe it. Eventually though I am forced to break down and purchase some bras. Typically this is a moment of total weakness because seriously it is my most hated womanly task. Here are the reasons why it sucks so much, and why I believe woman hold onto their unmentionables longer than some marriages last.
1) Bra’s cost anywhere from $20 – $65. Seriously $65 for one piece of clothing that no one even sees? Ridiculous. I could buy a really nice sweater, shoes, groceries, get a haircut, basically anything would be better than a bra for that money!
2) You have to escape your house and waste alone time on bras! Bra shopping should not ever be done with children in tow. If I were to bring my daughter with me she would be feeling every piece of the lace, sequin, satin, and sheer garment in the store. If I brought my son, we would both need therapy.
3) Being fitted for a bra could be one of the most awkward experiences ever. The stores are always outfitted with young, way to cheerful, girls walking around with a tape measure slung over their shoulders that are more than happy to get a lookey-loo at my skin tubes. I hold my arms up while my gal pal throws the measure around my not so perky girls. I then assume the stance of staring off to the side and act like this is not as bizarre as it really is.
4) Upon donning my new dud I get to ring my pleasant little mother’s helper to please come check out my girls – how they are, or are not, hanging. We talk support, straps, cups, and coverage. I might be lucky enough for her to attempt an adjustment on the straps that either hoists my babies up front and center or just smooshes them till they spill out the sides. At the end of this I feel like we should exchange numbers or something.
5) I find myself sucking in my gut and pushing my handles into my pants in an effort to impress my girl. I want to compare well with the other overweight customers.
6) I get to announce my band size that is larger than some children’s height.
7) The clerk hands me the basket of the stores best bra’s available to try on. I can’t help but think – when were these last washed? And how many other ladies put their boobs in these before me? Gross.
8) Stores do not display anything greater than a 34D, apparently us with boobs bigger than a 34D are banished to the bottom drawers because these are not showcase worthy. Makes me feel really good about my boulders.
9) There are always the girls that shop with their boyfriends. This tends to be a teenager – and seriously if my son ever shopped with his girlfriend, or my daughter brought her boyfriend into a bra store, I will kill them.
10) And the worst, most horrible thing I have witnessed while bra shopping – the family that shops together. Mom, Dad, and daughters searching through the sale underwear bins and holding up options. This is a hard core no way in hell, ever, never, NO.
Men this is why your lady has bra’s in her drawer that are older than your marriage. This is why we have bra’s that are held together with safety pins, or with one side that has underwire and the other that has had it removed – resulting in lopsided boobs. This is why we have bra’s that have bandaids over the spot where the wire is poking through, or why we will actually get the sewing kit out in an attempt to fix our bras.This is why our boobs spill over and out of our bras in an attempt at escape, and this is why we continue to wear bras that leave a full leave imprints on our bodies when we remove them.
Now you know, so leave us and our old bras the hell alone.
Originally from NJ, Alyson now lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. She has to make a conscious effort to not curse in most conversations. She is the mother of two kids that provide constant fodder for her blog, The Shitastrophy. Her husband lives in fear that every thing he does or says will be highlighted in her next post, Face Book update, or Tweet. Alyson loves her two huge Bernese Mountain Dogs, even if they do eat their weight in food each month.