Friday, May 29, 2015

Healthy Habits For Midlifers (This Diet Thing Sucks)

     I hate counting carbs and watching every calorie that goes into my mouth. I also hate getting my yearly physical---especially the weigh-in part. No, scratch that. The pap smear is worse. Nothing says "vulnerable" more than sitting in a freezing cold cubicle with nothing on but a paper wrapper that exposes my lady bits to the world. Once I hear the snap of the rubber gloves, I know the doctor is about to pry me open as if I was a tightly sealed clam. Thank goodness my doctor has butterflies taped to the ceiling to fool me into thinking I'm in a spring meadow rather than on a table with my feet in stirrups.

     If you've already hit middle age, then you know you need to be more mindful of your lifestyle. This means no more midnight runs to Taco Bell or downing Jager Bombs at 2:00am. Although Keith Richards has done a great job proving most of the health gurus' advice wrong, he is the exception. Sorry, but you're going to have to put down that bacon burger and reach for some fresh kale.

     The key to staying healthy and living longer is pretty simple. Eat
right, exercise, and see your doctor on a regular basis. If you take this advice, chances are you'll be around long enough to see astronauts land on Mars.


KEEP UP WITH YEARLY DOCTOR VISITS

    It's important that every midlifer visit their dermatologist, optometrist, dentist, gynecologist and nutologist (okay, I made that one up for the men) and, in 5-10 year increments, the proctologist. Yep, you need to have a camera shoved up your you-know-what to check for colon cancer and polyps. No worries---pretty soon they'll have a smart phone to do the colonoscopy for you.

     Ladies, be sure to keep up with your mammograms as well. Personally, I think men should be required to have nutograms, just to even the score….


EXERCISE REGULARLY 

     If you're as lazy as I am, this is a tough one. I can work up a sweat just trudging through shag carpet to get to the refrigerator. Get those Rollerblades out of the attic, dust off your spandex leggings and clean the rust out of your bicycle (but first, check for spider colonies in the spokes). If you own a Fitbit, wear it daily to see how many miles you've walked and the amount of calories you've burned. If the bracelet is still sitting in the box, then your Fitbit has turned into a Fatbit.


     It's no longer acceptable to sit through a Netflix marathon with one hand buried in a bowl of chips and the other wrapped around a soda can. You need to switch out the couch for a treadmill, and swap the chips and soda with a water bottle and a sweat rag. Don't be one of those people who makes a New Year's resolution to go to the gym religiously, and then when Easter hits, you quit. Cadbury Creme Eggs and Peeps are not an excuse to stop exercising.


EAT HEALTHY

     Remember those yummy chocolate milkshakes you used to suck down at the local burger joint? Fuggedaboutit. Your drink of choice now has a new name. It's called a "chia seed and kale smoothie." Just add a banana, some Greek yogurt and a touch of honey so that you won't feel like you're drinking something that came from the bottom of your husband's lawn mower bag.

     I'll bet you also remember when breakfast was FUN. Bacon, eggs, hash browns, donuts…..does that ring a bell? Sorry, but it's time to say sayonara to that heart attack on a plate and opt for egg whites scrambled with fresh spinach, a cup of fruit and a thin slice of whole wheat toast (hold the butter, please). Chicken and fish will become your best friends too, with steak being the one-night stand that haunts your dreams.

     You're going to need to ease up a little on the caffeine and wine, too. Well, maybe the caffeine isn't so bad if you don't mind hanging out with the owls. And wine? Heck, that's made from grapes….and grapes are fruit. Fruit is part of the food pyramid, so go ahead and fill up your glass.


     My advice for midlifers who want to stay healthy? Don't eat any corn before you go the proctologist.

     And keep your clam clean.




     


      

42 comments:

  1. Lots of nutrition experts now say the best and healthiest part of the egg is the yolk, also protein good, carbs and sugar bad, fat is OK within reason...bacon is ok, anything that says it is healthy on the label probably isn't.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wish bacon in large quantities was healthy…...

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All good sound advice here Marcia... It is not easy to eat healthy all the time... we all need a day or meal to have fun. It's just harder to recover as we get older... :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that the truth? If I eat one piece of cake, I gain five pounds overnight!!!

      Delete
  5. If the government says it is healthy or unhealthy, I just disregard that. I don't think they know what the H they are talking about. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a pap, but I did have a mammogram 10 years ago. The flat chested technician told me it would not hurt at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG I'm dying laughing! Too funny, Ruth!!

      Delete
  6. Cheers to grapes I say! And no to that grass juice - hell no!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll raise my glass of grapes to you too, my friend, and say CHEERS!

      Delete
  7. Loved your description of the visit to the doc. The old snap of the rubber gloves is suck a pleasant memory

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hilarious as usual Marcia! I love the "trudging through the shag carpet to get to the refrigerator".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's my daily workout routine around here….

      Delete
  9. I keep meaning to buy a Fitbit; make a mammo, gyno, dentist appointment; exercise and eat right. There's no time like ---- tomorrow. ;-) Oh, and I keep meaning to stop procrastinating.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha-ha!! Right there with you---I've had a notice that it's time for a dental checkup sitting on my desk…since last Decemeber….

      Delete
  10. Ha! I remember when breakfast used to be fun too. Sigh. Who thought of kale anyway?
    Kimberly
    http://FiftyJewels.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! The only way I can eat kale is if I soak it in olive oil and then roast it!

      Delete
  11. I've found the best method for me is to eat like I'm a diabetic and keep my sugar swings to a minimum. I eat very low sugar, low carb items, and include more protein. Eating this way I lost 20 lbs and have kept it off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the smart way to do it, Debbie! Congrats! XO

      Delete
  12. Good advice! Last year discovered healthy and tasty smoothies. They don't all have to be green, if some people are turned off by that. Start without the greens and slowly transition over to the green side!! Hehe Oh, and I'm always keepin' the clam clean. Lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha-ha!! Good to know! I can go for a strawberry smoothie…but I kinda like it better if it has rum in it….

      Delete
  13. Being healthy in midlife is certainly different. I can relate to this post! I had to make changes for because of health issues and am now grain free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a few friends who are now grain free and they feel ten times better. :)

      Delete
  14. You just reminded me I need to schedule my mammogram! I've been doing better with the eating healthier part (though my nightly chocolate stash raid is still a work in progress) and I've started biking and doing archery. There is hope for me yet. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw your archery video---you've got skillz, girl!

      Delete
  15. I was positive that sitting on the couch watching netflix and moving my hand from the chip bowl to my mouth was exercise. But that's OK, I still walk the aisles of the grocery store for an hour every week, I know that counts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha-ha! That means I get to count the calories I burn very time I roll over in bed or have a wicked hot flash!

      Delete
  16. I count calories and walk 2-3 miles per day before I go to work. I walk about 3 miles each day in my job. (It's a big place.) I'm an "everything in moderation" kinda guy. But I do love my sweet stuff.
    Good advice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It sounds like you are doing it the healthy way---good for you! And hey, we all gotta have some sweet stuff every now and then!

      Delete
  17. Good advice that made me laugh - not that's good medicine!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Is it weird that I actually have grown to like kale and spinach and other healthy fare? And I had to stop overdoing the drink (and junk food!) a long time ago. It just takes forever to recover and/or to work off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that the truth? Hangovers last waaaay longer than they used to. And all I have to do is LOOK at a cheeseburger and I gain three pounds.

      Delete
  19. LOLOL to all of it, Marcia!! Love "keep your clam clean!" such good advice on so many levels!! HA :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kristi! And watch out for that corn!

      Delete
  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Great advice! "keep your clam clean." I'll have to remember that... I mean, remember to inform others to keep their clam free of barnacles. :D Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Free of barnacles" HAHAHA!!! That is GENIUS, Denise!!!

      Delete
  22. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

Shareaholic

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...