Friday, February 5, 2016

The 10 Commandments of Middle Age


      There are certain do's and don'ts to aging, but some people are clueless when it comes to acting appropriately for their age. I'm not suggesting that you should throw in the towel after fifty and let yourself age like a hag. I'm just giving you some pointers on what you can and cannot get away with once you're considered over the hill. If you want to dye your hair chartreuse and tattoo your cat's name on your shoulder, that's up to you. Otherwise, here's some simple advice to follow whenever you forget that your name is already on the AARP mailing list.


1.)  Thou shalt wear clothing styles that flatter thy age. This means you should steer clear of the clothing you wore when you were twenty-something and thirty pounds lighter. Ladies, just because you rocked that mini skirt back in 1970 doesn't mean you have the legs to pull it off at age fifty. If the backs of your thighs look like the surface of a golf ball, ditch the short skirt and find a sexy one that sits just above the knees. Men, hopefully you're not trying to squeeze into the red speedos your wore at the beach during spring break forty years ago. You are not competing on the Olympic swim team and no one wants to see your shrunken roly poly trapped in wet nylon.

2.) Thou shalt carry dental floss with thee at all times.  As you get older, your gums recede and leave perfect little pockets around the teeth for food storage. Unless you plan on eating those trapped  morsels later in the day, or if you enjoy digging spinach out of your teeth in a restaurant, keep a roll of floss handy for food trap emergencies. Your mouth should not be a storage bin for leftovers.

3.) Thou shalt not drink more than one libation a day. Your memory cells are already down to single digits from aging. Why kill off the precious few you have left with shots of tequila?

4.) Thou shalt moisturize thy skin on a regular basis.  Things begin happening to the collagen in your skin as you age. Bad things. Unless you want your face to droop like the man in Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream", start applying creams as heavy as wall spackle to your skin to avoid a massive collagen meltdown.

5.) Thou shalt eat an entire bag of carrots a day. By the time you hit your fifties, your eye site will be no better than a mole's. Carrots have vitamin A in them, which is good for your eyes. Seriously, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

6.) Thou shalt not pass gas in public places.  Old people and farts are synonymous. Don't be like old people. Practice your sphincter Kegels daily to avoid mishaps on a crowded elevator or in the line at the grocery store when there's a sale on Metamucil.

7.) Thou shalt take no less than 20 supplements a day to stay healthy.  By the time your youngest child is in college, you should own a large pill box with compartments that are clearly marked with the days of the week. You should also be on a first name basis with your pharmacist.

8.) Thou shalt not gain 10 pounds a year after the age of 50.  Hide the butter, hide the cream. Eat too much, you'll bust a seam.

9.)  Thou shalt maintain a healthy, intimate relationship with thy partner.  Keep in mind that you're not a frisky twenty-one year old any more. If you think being adventurous in the bedroom means trying out the Kama Sutra "Splitting Bamboo" position, think again. You just might pull a hamstring and end up in a leg brace.

10.) Thou shalt maintain thy sense of humor.  That old saying that "laughter is the best medicine" is true. Everyone needs to find their happy place in order to smile. If that means finding it in the bottom of a jar of Nutella or watching your spouse wrangle out of a chair that the grandkids have duct taped him to while babysitting, then so be it.

      See? Getting older isn't so bad. You can get away with things like forgetting to shave your legs or eating dessert before dinner. And if you're really lucky, no one will notice that glob of spinach between your teeth.



****EXCITING NEWS FLASH**** Meno Mama was just accepted this week into the Washington Post Talent Work for writers!!! Stay tuned for my first article......whoo-hoo!!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I am up on Humor Outcasts with my post, "Eight Types Of People Who Annoy Me." You can read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2016/eight-types-of-people-who-annoy-me/

55 comments:

  1. Marcia, this is a true list of what aging looks like... sad but true and yet funny xox

    Thankfully I never wore a mini skirt so I won't go around humiliating myself wearing one now ;-) (besides I think Valentina might have a few things to say to me if I did, and they wouldn't be sweet... just honest ... lol)

    I'm so happy for you that you were accepted for articles in the Washington post... that is so exciting xox ♡♡♡

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Luanne! I'm very excited about being on the WP team.....and very nervous!!

      Delete
  2. This is so funny. I actually just asked for one of those pill boxes... I have one, but the sections are too small! I have dental floss everywhere. I don't want to talk about my vision. I've always had perfect eye sight, so I'm being a big baby about needing reading glasses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My eyesight started crapping out when I was in my mid forties. I hate wearing glasses and contacts, but right now I have no choice.

      Delete
  3. Oh my gosh - just found you on Facebook and am so happy I did ... looove your writing! Great read (but it does hit a little too close to home for me ... I just realized last week that I'm holding the menus out at arm's length so I can actually read them, and found grey hairs in my eyebrows). Sighhhh. :) Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha-Ha!!! I keep getting those pesky gray hairs in my eyebrows, too. Pluck away!

      Delete
  4. I need to get better at #4. #3 is an no way. I am going to drink what I want. (Pretty much only have one a day though anyway).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it makes you feel any better, I break #3 every single weekend.....

      Delete
  5. Oh the miniskirts are sooooo hard to give up! If you are going to BAM, you'll see me sporting them!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I could go, but it's so far away---opposite coast for me. I'm going to ERMA instead. 17 hour drive......ugh.

      Delete
  6. Very funny and sadly true! And congratulations on being accepted into the WP Talent Network. Can't wait to see your writing there as well!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Shari! I'm excited but nervous at the same time!

      Delete
  7. Too funny! Although, I usually have more than one drink!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do too, but don't tell anyone I said so. :)

      Delete
  8. I am so upset that I have to get rid of my red leather bra and hot pants. You ruined my weekend. Oh, and huge congrats on your acceptance in the WP Network.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No no no---KEEP the bra! Lingerie is where we're allowed to go a little wild!

      Delete
    2. But the bra is the main garment.....

      Delete
    3. Okay, you can keep the hot pants, too! :)

      Delete
  9. The sense of humor. Oh Gosh, is that TRUE! Without that, getting old would be unbearable! Congrats on the WP thing!
    Carol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Humor is the only thing that gets me through menopause, that's for sure.

      Delete
  10. Funny post! I must show this to my mom haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please do---if she's close to my age, she will certainly relate to this!

      Delete
  11. And.... GUILTY of all of these!!! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am too---which is why this post was so easy to write, ha-ha!!

      Delete
  12. Well, that's as honest as it gets, I believe!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Who am I kidding? All of the above!
    And congratulations, my friend. I'm so looking forward to that first article!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Diane! I'm nervous but excited to begin writing for WP.

      Delete
  14. I can agree with many of those, give you most of the rest but I'm gonna have to fight you on number 3!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fight you? Heck no---I'll JOIN YOU on breaking that commandment!

      Delete
  15. Ha! I was laughing through this whole post. I can't pick a favorite b/c they're all too good! Congrats, Marcia!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Bloody oath you are onto something, I have a neighbour who dressed like she did when she was like 20 and now she would be closer to 60, at times I think does she not own a mirror

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG that's hilarious!! I see it all the time too, and I just don't get why they dress like that!!!

      Delete
  17. Is #2 ever the truth (commenting while trying to dig supper out of her teeth). You think I would have learned by now.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes to more than one drink a day! I've been doing that awhile now, but it's good to know at 40 it's finally accepted!! Whoo hoo

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love #10. I'm over fifty and the older I get the more I understand the importance of having a sense of humor.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You had me at dental floss. Loved this and shared it several times. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. HAHAH!!! Can you imagine a leg brace from forgetting age limitations in the bedroom?!?!? Also what's UP with the 50yo who wear the miniskirt?? So funny Marcia!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would be really embarrassing to have to explain to everyone WHY you're wearing the leg brace.....

      Delete
  22. Great advice Marcia. I 'forget' to shave my legs and never miss out on a dessert. I'd like to leave a longer comment, but I must get back to my sphincter kegels. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4......

    ReplyDelete
  23. #6! LOL.
    I love reading your posts because they're so honest yet so humorous. How witty.

    ReplyDelete
  24. These are all great -- and so true!! I had to chuckle at each one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I could bring you some laughter today, Penny!

      Delete
  25. I'm not over the hill and off the pill yet, so can I get away with some of these? Flatulence is a daily comfort to me, I feel lighter, although I try to keep it to myself when it starts smelling like Korea.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Marcia, you make me smile, as always. And thank you for reminding me about my 'shrunken roly-poly'!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just keep the role poly out of confining bathing suits, ha-ha!

      Delete
  27. Marcia, this is so funny, and oh so true! I floss after every meal now, never did before. When I asked the dentist why food gets stuck in my teeth all the time his answer was quite simple...."You're getting old." Sigh.

    ReplyDelete

Shareaholic

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...