Friday, April 29, 2016

Super Spring Writer Series: Guest Post By Anne Bardsley

 
      I met today's guest writer at the EBWW conference in 2014 and thought she was such a hoot! I have featured her on my site before because her midlife sense of humor deeply resonates with me. Please welcome Anne Bardsley, author of "How I Earned My Wrinkles", to my blog today! She's sharing a funny story about the time her young granddaughter decided to turn into a parrot and imitate one of her favorite swear words. I was howling with laughter after reading this post, because I have a 4 year old granddaughter who I'm sure would do the same thing to me. This story reminds me to watch my mouth now whenever I'm babysitting....




I Taught My Granddaughter To Curse
I am not proud that I taught my granddaughter to curse. I got busted. She overheard me say, “Oh Shit!” When the mailman arrived, she couldn’t wait to tell him the exciting new. “I learned a new fun word from my Gigi. “Shit!” she announced proudly. He scowled at me. “I did not teach you that!” I protested. “Yes you did, Gigi. You yelled, ‘Oh Shit!’ when you spilled your coffee.” I looked at the mailman and mouthed, “Oh Shit!” He grinned at me sympathetically. He must be a potty mouth grandfather.
That became her word of the day. “Oh shit! Let the dog out. Oh shit!! Let the dog in. Oh shit! It’s lunchtime.” Then it became her word of the week and she used it everywhere. At the grocery store she announced, “Oh shit! We forgot my cereal.” It’s odd how fast they learn to use the words with appropriate timing. And where did she learn the appropriate facial expression?
I want my sweet grand kids to use clean and approved language. And so I have decided to clean up my potty mouth. This is a challenge for me. I have a clean mind and heart, but every so often an F- bomb escapes from my lips. It seriously wiggles past my teeth and before I can bite it back, it’s out. I hate when it happens.
My problem is that I have a latent PMS (Potty Mouth Syndrome). After raising five kids, some words just slip out all on their own. I cannot be held responsible because I survived their teen years by a thread. In hindsight, that’s when I was at my peak of PMS. At two in the morning, I stared out the window praying they’d come home safe so I could kill them personally. I definitely developed my advanced, choice, vocabulary words those nights.
My goal was to completely remove the F bomb from my language. This was not as easy as I thought it would be. The darn (notice I said darn) F words kept forming on my lips. Once the Fffff sound started I had to get creative quickly. “What the Fook?” was my personal favorite. It’s such a perfect question showing annoyance, yet fondness. I’m all about soft cursing.
If the cashier loaded my grocer bag too full, I’d ask, “What the Fook?” while smiling. I never want to hear the little ones ask that question, even if they are smiling. It’s too close to the real F word. I had to drop that one.
I tried using Fig Newton as my new word, but every time I asked, “What the Fig Newton?” the cashier ran and grabbed a bag of cookies for me. After eight bags of cookies, I needed another word.
I tried Frill. That sounds clean and it’s quite charming. The only problem is my pronunciation. It sounds like Fah-Reeeel. My mouth gets distorted and neck muscles tighten like a turkey straining. It’s a horrible look. My sister suggested I just use the F word instead of making that face.
I thought of Cockeypop …or is it Poppycock? That is a loaded word and a train wreck waiting to happen. My menopausal mind could do so much damage with either. I dismissed them both immediately, as I giggled.
As you can see, I am struggling. My fear is that by the time I get my language kid-approved, they’ll have new ones to teach me. I suck at this stuff.
Oops!



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23 comments:

  1. So funny... I can just picture her walking around. Language really is just a habit, but a powerful one, right? I always told my kids - when I would slip - that cursing really is best kept at bay, and only pulled out when you really need it. I have some crazy (but clean) expressions I've always used, which both of my girls have informed me are not widely used. But hey, I figure someday they will look back and remember me fondly for being a non-traditionalist:)

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  2. Unfortunately I have that potty mouth... it's interesting that I can hold it back at work and church... but any other time my lips can be too loose... Thankfully it isn't all the time but it comes out when I least expect it... My grandchildren are coming for a visit this summer, I need to clean up my mouth completely before they get here, I will never hear the end of it from my daughter if they should learn some new words from their glama nana... lol

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  3. I have incurable PMS. Thank Gawd I never had kids, and cats don't talk. Funny post!

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  4. Oh the struggle of the potty-mouthers. I shoulda been born a f#@$ing sailor. ;-)

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  5. I kind of like Fig Newton. Have had no success at all with "Good Golly Gumdrops." Just saying.

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  6. My daughter is consistently correcting me in front of her kids. It's not that I swear but I talk about subjects that little ears should not hear. You don't realize how much they are listening. The other day my 4-year-old grandson called to tell me a secret. He said that his best friend's daddy is in jail and no one is supposed to know. My daughter and I had a good laugh about it and not sure if it is true or not. Maybe he overheard the parents talking when he was having a play date?????

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    1. Awww how sweet that he felt he could trust you with that.

      Kids do have ears and memories like elephants!

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  7. PMS - Potty Mouth Syndrome - YASS!!!!

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  8. Great post. I remember the first time our son heard me swear. That was a very long day.

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    1. Right, Stephen? They latch onto those fooking words! I try really hard to watch and I'm getting really creative when I screw up.

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  9. I have the same problem. Parrot grand daughter and all. My word is SOB now I say, "Son of a biscuit eatin' bulldog". It works!

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    1. Son of a bicuit! You are creative!! Adding eating bulldog is genius!
      You are my cursing hero

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  10. Love this!!!
    Why is it they only seem to remember the stuff we want them to forget?!?!?
    Well, at least you can be proud that the little sweet was using the word correctly. You may have given her a potty mouth, but at least you also taught her proper diction. Oh wait, is that another bad word?!?!

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  11. Giggling then I had to go and follow because I need more giggles! :)

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  12. I used to curse a lot. Like a sailor! But then I decided to just stop. I don't know but it just lost its appeal to me.

    This has been fun to read though. :)

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  13. This is too funny, and my great aunts were just like this. Then, they used to curse for real in Italian around us.

    You ever see Johnny Dangerously? You fargin sneaky bastage!

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  14. I adore everything about this post. it's basically my life. me time = best time.xxx

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