Today's guest writer is another funny lady I met at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop convention in Ohio a few months ago. Kristi Stephens Walker pens the humor blog, Life's Not A Sissy Rodeo, and I love everything about her site! She's just as funny in real life as she is on her blog, and I cannot tell you how many times she had me cracking up at the convention. She was part of the tribe of women I hung out with in Dayton, the place where we created some of my fondest memories (what happens at ERMA stays at ERMA). Kristi's quick wit and fun spirit makes everyone smile, so I'm thrilled to introduce you to this special lady. Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!
Last year, we were packing the car for a family vacation, when the kids expressed concern that they were cramped in the back seat.
By “expressed concern,” I actually mean complained loudly to me while their father was busy packing the trunk as though it were a 5000-piece Ravensburger puzzle.
“I don’t have any room!”
“Get your feet off my side!”
“Mommy! She’s touching me!”
“Do we have to hold the beach chairs in our laps?!”
“I just don’t get the fuss,” I lectured, as we packed the Ford Taurus to the max, shoving duffle bags in-between the three of them. They could barely buckle their seatbelts without giving one another crippling wedgies.
“We’ll be fine,” I said cheerily. “We’ll play the License Plate game. Just like when I was a kid.”
Then we drove a sedan twelve hours to the beach. And back.
I hadn’t even so much as shaken the sand out of the beach towels before I was test driving vans off the nearest car lot.
That is all a distant memory now because of The Van. The Van changed everything.
From the minute we traded in our former ride, we’ve been traveling in style. Nothing squeaks, squeals or leaks. When I drop the kids off at school, I feel like I’m rolling up in a limo—where everyone has space, and no one has to prop their legs up on a cooler from here to North Myrtle Beach. Sometimes, I try to flash the other mommies in nice vans a secret hand symbol, but they seem to think I'm flipping the bird. Again.
The Van is clean. Due to my strongly-worded speech to everyone who enters it, the outside of The Van remains white and shiny, and the inside—oh, the inside—is totally void of the errant French fries and Capri Sun stains that sullied the old car. I found a half-empty Sonic drink in a cup holder the other day and almost had to take a Xanax.
But the piece de resistance of The Van is something I thought I would never, ever succumb to: the DVD player.
That’s right, another screen for the kids to stare at. Yes, we went there. It has been featuring Disney's Frozen on a constant loop for weeks. But what do I care? I also bought 3 wireless headsets.
Don't judge.
Say what you want about it, but I’m telling you, on a recent holiday road trip, that DVD player was the only thing keeping me from impaling myself on a mile marker.
But somewhere between Lexington and Nashville, I popped Annie into that DVD player and things got quiet. I glanced in the rearview mirror to find all three kids crammed into the third-row seat, snuggled under the same blanket and watching together.
I guess being packed in tight with your siblings isn’t always such a hard knock life after all.
BIO:
Kristi Stephens Walker is a writer and editor who enjoys writing funny essays about her real life family, like how she gets shamed by the office lady when the kids are tardy, or how she only lasted two months as a preschool teacher. She lives with her husband and three kids in Nashville, TN where she loves lattes and anything Kate Spade. She just finished writing her first novel.
Find me at:
instagram: krististephenswalker
twitter: @kristiswalker
When we wore my last van out, my children were all in their twenties and late teens. But I bought another van anyway! Especially van haters asked why!!?? It's not just a van! Going to the beach? It's the best beach-mobile. Need dirt and two cinder blocks? It's my little truck! Moving my adult kids from one run-down rental to another less run-down one? Moving van! Now my kids are all in the 20s and sometimes they need reliable wheels to take them to things like music festivals. Yep. I loan it to them. They call it the Festival Spaceship. Who knows? When we wear this one out, maybe I'll get another. In case of grandkids. :) Thanks for sharing your van story.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Pennie! And, yes, the van is the vehicle of all trades. We almost got a Ford Flex. My kids are STILL saying, "Aren't you glad we don't have to climb over those seats to the back?!"
DeleteLove it! We went on so many road trips as kids, crammed into the back of my parents Buick. Would have loved a van!
ReplyDeleteMe, too! My siblings and I have pictures of an epic beach trip that nearly did us all in!
DeleteLOL That's awesome! Congrats on the new ride. I remember riding in the back of a pickup truck with a cap on it from Delaware to Florida. Oh my gosh, so glad those days are gone! No DVD's back then! Only cb's!
ReplyDeleteHi-larious! My four kids are grown and I just bought another minivan. Because awesomeness. It really is true that a minivan equals megafun. Easily the greatest parenting lifesaver since wine in a box. Ride on!
ReplyDeleteWe never had a van but I remember cramming into our LeMans for some long road trips.
ReplyDeleteAwww, cute story. I agree that a minivan is the way to go if you have more than two kids (even one). It sounds divine. Nice to meet you, Kristi!
ReplyDelete