Normally when I write these posts, I never identify the people behind the conversational tidbits that I share. But this time I have to give credit where credit is due. My husband has been on point lately with his creative comebacks, but I did my best to get a few jabs in there myself. I'm sure that nosy fly on our wall was throughly entertained by some of these conversations:
INSURANCE SALES REP: (on the phone with my husband): "Mr. Doyle, I'll need you to sign the insurance documents we sent to you, then scan and email them back to me. You do know how to do this, right?"
HUBS: "Are you kidding me? My wife and I are so old, we still use Wells Fargo to deliver everything by horse."
HUBS: "I feel like crap today and it's all your fault."
ME: "How is it my fault?"
HUBS: "You made me drink too many of those strong concoctions you prepared last night."
ME: "I thought you loved my Moscow Mule cocktails."
HUBS:" I did, until I woke up this morning feeling like the mule kicked me in the head."
SON: "Mom, how old is that box of cereal in the pantry?"
ME: "Which one?"
SON: "The one on the floor behind the cookbooks."
ME: "That's really old----don't eat it. Throw it out."
SON: "Oh....my....God. I thought this was Raisin Bran cereal and I already ate half a bowl. But now I can see these aren't raisins."
ME: "What do you mean?"
SON: "These are weevils.....and they're swimming in my milk."
ME: (trying not to throw up in my mouth) "Look on the bright side---you just got your allotment of protein for the day."
Last weekend, Hubs and I went with the family to a Brazilian steak house that has an all-you-can eat buffet and waiters who approach each table with skewers of sizzling meats to choose from. The quantity of meat is unlimited, which means it's a carnivore's dream. Hubs took full advantage of the restaurant's generosity, sampling pretty much every type of meat that was offered. Two hours into it, he was groaning and rubbing his belly. When I asked him what was wrong, he grimaced and said, "I just ate every animal on Noah's Ark."
SON: (attempting to iron his shirt) "Who the heck put the iron setting on wool, for godsake?"
HUBS: "I did. I ironed sheep yesterday."
One of our pugs sleeps at the foot of our bed every night. She really is a sweet dog, but if you try to push her aside or pick her up while she's in a deep sleep, she growls and sometimes snaps. Hubs is terrified of waking her, and when she sleeps between his feet, he's too afraid to move. The other night, he needed to pee really bad, and inadvertently woke the dog when he moved the blankets. She sat up and glared at him from the foot of the bed. I grinned and said, "Good luck getting to the bathroom. You just woke the Kraken."
SON: "I have to do my brain training exercises today."
HUBS: "Well, that shouldn't take long."
Late one night several weeks go, my son had a run-in with a nasty looking spider. This was no ordinary house spider; it was large with claw-like front legs and a hump on its back. The spider dropped from a tree near our driveway and onto my son's neck before scurrying back up to its web. My son let out a howl and woke Hubs to come outside and kill it with a broom. Once things settled down, my son researched the spider online and learned that it was a Cat-faced Orb Weaver. For days, Hubs couldn't resist singing a certain song every time our son entered the room. He sang a different version of the old Gary Wright song, "Dream Weaver" by changing the lyrics to "Cat-faced Orb Weaver" (my son was not amused). Not to be outdone, I made a special poster and hung it on my son's bathroom mirror:
Ironically, my daughter also had a spider issue of her own recently. A friend spotted a small spider in her apartment but didn't bother to kill it. A few days later, another larger spider appeared on my daughter's drapes, and she called me in a panic....
DAUGHTER: "Mom, my worst nightmare just came true! That little spider that my friend saw earlier was just in my bedroom. Do those things grow overnight, because this thing was HUGE. What if it was sitting in the corner of my bedroom all night, just watching me and waiting until I fell asleep so it could lay eggs in my ears??
MOM: "You need to Google it and find out what type of spider it is."
Yep, you guessed it. Cat-faced Orb Weaver. If you're not prone to nightmares, go ahead and Google it. I dare you.
***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I had my first article featured on Grown & Flown: " 8 Things That Surprised Me The Most About Having Grown Children." You can read it HERE
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