Friday, July 8, 2016

Sizzling Summer Writers Series: Guest Post By Alyson Herzig

     I featured today's guest blogger awhile ago on my site and she has never failed to make me smile over the shenanigans that occur on her blog. I've been reading the hilarious posts written by Alyson Herzig's of The Shitastrophy for several years now, and I highly recommend her brand of humor to anyone looking for a good belly laugh. Her Facebook fan page is a riot, too---she posts some of the best memes I've ever seen on social media. 

     Please welcome Alyson to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love. I think her guest post will resonate with many of us who struggle with dieting (and often fail) but still maintain a sense of humor through it all.   

The Slippery Slope of Dieting

I started dieting about 6 weeks ago, living on asparagus and salad with a side of chicken, hold the cheese, butter, sauce, and flavor for the rest of my life. I was doing quite well, then shit hit the fan, a family emergency requiring extensive travel. There were copious amounts of pasta and beer ingested, with a daily dose of donuts. I was on survival mode.

But now I’m home and I seem to have continued my off track living – I’m teetering on the edge. Craft beer is again on the menu and I've answered the Girl Scout Cookies beckoning me (Hi! Carmel Delights, I've missed you). And though I have steered clear of the Doritos, I have enjoyed large quantities of goodies that come in sealed bags. It just happened. I swear.

I never set out with the intention of eating an entire bag of chips. It was only gonna be a few. Just a couple. A nibble if you will. But then something happened and I became chip obsessed. I could think of nothing but the crunchy yumminess of the chip. It wasn't intentional the whole bag disappeared, poof the bag was gone like a fart that just slipped out.

It's a gradual process to my chip eating debacle, you can relate…right?
  1. Remember there is a 'healthy' bag of chips in the pantry. Curse whoever beat you to the bag of Apple Chips and ate it without leaving a single trace. I got my eyes on the 10 year old.
  2. Find a bag of semi-healthy chips, revel in the happiness it hasn’t been eaten.
  3. Get small bowl out and transfer a respectable handful of chips into the bowl.
  4. Realize you will not want to get out of your chair to refill the bowl, upgrade to the next size bowl. It’s all about control. I will only eat what is in THIS bowl. I swear.
  5. Sit down, eat entire bowl in less than five minutes.
  6. Get up, after denying you want any more for three excruciating minutes, and refill the bowl.
  • Spend half a second considering downgrading to smaller bowl, laugh at the possibility.
  1. Sit with beer and try to ‘pace’ my chip eating. Sip of beer, couple of chips.
  2. Move chips from table to arm of chair, the closer the better for non-stop chip ingestion.
  3. Realize you’re shoveling Sea Salt Pita Chips at a gold medal clip.
    • Move chips back to table, institute Pintrest distraction technique.
    • Ogle decorations for small front porches. Wonder who these ladies are that can turn that into THAT and why am I not friends with someone who can do THAT for me?
  4. Take sip of beer.
  5. Realize my chips are sitting just next to my beer.
  6. Eat chips, move chips back to armrest, drink beer.
  7. Repeat until bowl and beer are empty.
  8. Get up for refills, grab bag of chips consider pouring some into bowl but accept that you're going to eat the whole bag of crunchy awesomeness.
  9. Grab beer, head back to recliner, sit back with my two vices and think, "tomorrow's another day."

So that’s how I’m doing on the diet, you can relate...right?


Originally from NJ, Alyson lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. She has been described as the Andy Rooney of Stay-at-Home Moms. You can find her writing about the perpetual shit storm of her life and various ridiculous observations at or on her popular Facebook page The Shitastrophy. Alyson has had works featured online at various venues including but not limited to Scary Mommy, The Mighty, Good Housekeeping, Huffington Post, Momtastic, and What The Flicka. She has also been published in numerous anthologies, including two of the New York Times Bestseller installments of the ‘Pee Alone’ series I Still Just Want to Pee Alone and I Just Want to Be Perfect.

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  1. Yes, I can totally relate. An open bag of chips is just dangerous. I love these tortilla chips that are supposedly "healthy" but still are high in calories. I guess I could count out 9 chips for a serving, but I rarely do. Sometimes I crush them into small pieces to feel like I'm getting more than I actually am. But seriously, chips are soooo good...

    1. Ha-Ha---I like the way you think. I need to start crushing my chips.

  2. Haha! Exactly, my kind of diet. I can't buy Salt and vinegar chips because I'll eat the whole bag but gradually. Just as you've described here; suddenly the bag is empty 'like a fart that slipped out'. LOL Loved this post!

    1. I LOVE salt and vinegar chips----those and Cheetos are my kryptonite!

  3. How fun. I can relate to anyone trying to diet, even though I've learned the hard way that dieting is nothing but a temporary solution.

    1. So true! It has to be a lifestyle change....but difficult to do when there are good chips around.....

  4. LOL! Dieting is just not for me. NOT for me. :D

    1. I love to eat, so in order to do so, I have to double up on my zumba classes.

  5. Nope, I can't relate. Not at all (wiping chip crumbs off of my keyboard before I go and see if the scale can tell I'm lying). :)

    1. Dying laughing over here. You are totally inside my head.

  6. Although (thankfully) I have never had to diet, I totally know the feeling of having potato chips around and not wanting to devour them all, which is why I just don't buy them! I really like your sense of humour and attitude. We all need this! :)

    1. Thanks! Isn't Alyson great? I try to avoid the chips, too!

  7. I definitely got a few laughs and emphatic nods from this one. It can be tough to stay on a healthy diet and the lure of chips can take over. And it does start with that bag of "healthy" chips that you somehow can't find...and then the big bowl of potato chips is on the scene...



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