Please welcome Alyson to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love. I think her guest post will resonate with many of us who struggle with dieting (and often fail) but still maintain a sense of humor through it all.
The Slippery Slope of Dieting
I started dieting about 6 weeks ago, living on asparagus and salad with a side of chicken, hold the cheese, butter, sauce, and flavor for the rest of my life. I was doing quite well, then shit hit the fan, a family emergency requiring extensive travel. There were copious amounts of pasta and beer ingested, with a daily dose of donuts. I was on survival mode.
But now I’m home and I seem to have continued my off track living – I’m teetering on the edge. Craft beer is again on the menu and I've answered the Girl Scout Cookies beckoning me (Hi! Carmel Delights, I've missed you). And though I have steered clear of the Doritos, I have enjoyed large quantities of goodies that come in sealed bags. It just happened. I swear.
I never set out with the intention of eating an entire bag of chips. It was only gonna be a few. Just a couple. A nibble if you will. But then something happened and I became chip obsessed. I could think of nothing but the crunchy yumminess of the chip. It wasn't intentional the whole bag disappeared, poof the bag was gone like a fart that just slipped out.
It's a gradual process to my chip eating debacle, you can relate…right?
- Remember there is a 'healthy' bag of chips in the pantry. Curse whoever beat you to the bag of Apple Chips and ate it without leaving a single trace. I got my eyes on the 10 year old.
- Find a bag of semi-healthy chips, revel in the happiness it hasn’t been eaten.
- Get small bowl out and transfer a respectable handful of chips into the bowl.
- Realize you will not want to get out of your chair to refill the bowl, upgrade to the next size bowl. It’s all about control. I will only eat what is in THIS bowl. I swear.
- Sit down, eat entire bowl in less than five minutes.
- Get up, after denying you want any more for three excruciating minutes, and refill the bowl.
- Spend half a second considering downgrading to smaller bowl, laugh at the possibility.
- Sit with beer and try to ‘pace’ my chip eating. Sip of beer, couple of chips.
- Move chips from table to arm of chair, the closer the better for non-stop chip ingestion.
- Realize you’re shoveling Sea Salt Pita Chips at a gold medal clip.
- Move chips back to table, institute Pintrest distraction technique.
- Ogle decorations for small front porches. Wonder who these ladies are that can turn that into THAT and why am I not friends with someone who can do THAT for me?
- Take sip of beer.
- Realize my chips are sitting just next to my beer.
- Eat chips, move chips back to armrest, drink beer.
- Repeat until bowl and beer are empty.
- Get up for refills, grab bag of chips consider pouring some into bowl but accept that you're going to eat the whole bag of crunchy awesomeness.
- Grab beer, head back to recliner, sit back with my two vices and think, "tomorrow's another day."
Originally from NJ, Alyson lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. She has been described as the Andy Rooney of Stay-at-Home Moms. You can find her writing about the perpetual shit storm of her life and various ridiculous observations at TheShitastrophy.com or on her popular Facebook page The Shitastrophy. Alyson has had works featured online at various venues including but not limited to Scary Mommy, The Mighty, Good Housekeeping, Huffington Post, Momtastic, and What The Flicka. She has also been published in numerous anthologies, including two of the New York Times Bestseller installments of the ‘Pee Alone’ series I Still Just Want to Pee Alone and I Just Want to Be Perfect.
Social Media Links:
Site URL: http://theshitastrophy.com