Friday, January 12, 2018

New Year's Resolutions I Will Most Likely Never Keep

     When I was young, it was easy to make New Year's resolutions and actually stick to them (well, for at least six months. Give me some credit here, folks. Swearing off chocolate for an entire year is unreasonable). Now that I'm older (sigh), I realize that New Year's resolutions are not for the faint of heart, and basically, I'm just too lazy to stick to them. My intentions are always good at the start of the year, but then life gets in the way, and I find myself slapping the snooze button on the alarm way too often just to avoid my resolutions.

     This year I'm going into 2018 with more positivity....meaning that I'm pretty positive the following New Year's Resolutions are ones I will most likely never keep:


STICK TO A DIET: Losing weight and eating healthy is always at the top of my list each year before the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve. This time, I was off to a great start, existing solely on celery and a bald chicken breast on the first day. But on January 2nd, I caved and split a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food with my husband. Can I have a Dec. 31st do-over?

EXERCISE MORE: I love my Zumba classes, but the downside to this workout is the personal reward system I use. "Hey, I just burned 600 calories, so that means I can eat Taco Bell tonight!" It doesn't work that way. I know this because I'm sitting here with too many tacos and not enough sweat to burn them all off.

GET ORGANIZED: This is a wonderful concept, and I have no problem doing it, especially in the kitchen. I clean out all of the shelves, throw away expired foods, and pawn all the junk food off on my adult kids. But inevitably, someone gets lazy and shuffles stuff around in the pantry. The peanut butter ends up next to the dog food, and the Basmati rice sits on the floor behind two bottles of cooking sherry. My husband is certain we have pantry gnomes and blames them for our disorganized mess. Do gnomes like Basmati rice? 

TURN OFF THE TV: Let's be honest----this isn't gonna happen. I was never a fan of spending hours in front of the television, mostly because I had four young children that needed to be fed, bathed, and put to bed. But now that I'm am empty nester, I suffer from this mysterious condition that hits me every night after dinner. It's called, "This-couch-feels-really-good-and-I'm-not-moving-for-two-hours-until-I-digest-my-food." It's also known as the "I've-discovered-Netflix-and-I'm-never-going-back-to-regular-tv-again" syndrome. 
MORE MEDITATION & YOGA:  I started yoga about six months ago and I'm trying to make more time for it in my schedule. However, even though I have advanced, I've noticed that my stomach really gets in the way of my progress. Try doing the "Extended Puppy Pose" with a tire strapped around your waistline and you'll see what I'm talking about. I also love the concept of meditation, but when I put it into practice, I fall asleep and then wake up three hours later wondering what century I'm in.

BE MORE ATTENTIVE TO MY SPOUSE: There is a reason I bought a hot tub, but even the promise of playing "sexy mermaid" in the hot, bubbly water (in my case, it's more like a boiling lobster in a pot) is not enough to distract my husband from an NBA playoff. If only I could learn to love the game, but let's face it; I'd rather have my tonsils removed than sit through a two-hour sporting event.

WORK HARDER: I'm a freelancer, so this resolution is difficult to stick to. Why? Because I work from home, where EVERYTHING becomes a distraction: dogs barking at the slightest sound (yes, they can hear an ant sneeze), my daughter calling to vent about work, the neighbor who sunbathes nude (wait---what??), the little pings on my cell phone alerting me of Facebook and Instagram notifications (I'm easily sucked into the social media vortex), and that damn piece of cherry cobbler sitting in the back of my fridge.


USE THAT EXPENSIVE KITCHEN GADGET I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS: I have this device that shreds, dices, squeezes, and for all I know, possibly changes my incontinent dog's diaper pads, but I have yet to try the gadget. It has too many buttons and knobs and blades, and I'm fearful that I might lose a finger if I experiment with it.  

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF:  If sweating the small stuff really worked, I'd be as thin as a chopstick. I need to accept that it's not a big deal if someone likes the toilet paper folded under the roll instead of over it, or that people in my home prefer to squeeze a tube of toothpaste from the middle instead of from the bottom like a NORMAL human being. Sure, I can deal, but no one better say a word about my habit of baby-talking to my pugs (don't judge---I'm an empty nester remember?).  

      I really feel optimistic about 2018 because I'm going into the new year with my eyes wide open....and my hands full of tacos.


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I was featured on HER VIEW FROM HOME with my husband's poignant adoption story, "How Being Adopted Made My Husband A Better Father." You can read it here: https://herviewfromhome.com/how-being-adopted-made-my-husband-a-better-father/ 

24 comments:

  1. Were I to guess, I would say, "Yes, gnomes like basmati rice!" At the end of the day, one small change that I stick with ends up being much more rewarding than trying to take on too much and giving up. Two years ago I decided to drink a glass of ice water before I started on coffee in the morning. That is one I've been able to stick with!

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    1. Drinking are water is ALWAYS a good thing! I still try to stick to the eight glasses a day thing.

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  2. I'd say that if you ate Phish on January 2nd, then you were still on your diet.

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  3. To many resolutions not enough time...or will power. I saved myself the insanity and didn't make any this year. It saved me a stressful two days lol.

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  4. I related with most of these. LAST Christmas I got a wine opener that is so fancy it can open and pour a glass of wine from across the room. It's still in the box. I even considered regifting it. I try hard not to allow guilt to overwhelm me when watching a series on Netflix. Now, I look at it as therapy and it is cheaper and more effective!

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    1. Exactly! I never understood the Netflix craze until recently. Now I'm totally addicted!

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  5. and this is why I don't make them anymore....but good list to not keep..LOL

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  6. LOL....actually you DID stick to your exercise goal, since you did go to Zumba class to exercise more. :-)

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  7. OMGosh, this is me too, Marcia! Haha, I love that you're positive about your resolutions...meaning you're positive you won't be sticking to them. I am a lazy butt who doesn't make resolutions. Rather, I sit at my desk and make vague mental goals that I will likely forget by the end of the week.

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    1. Sounds like we are two peas in a pod, lol!

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  8. This made me laugh out loud. I think I have pantry gnomes too!

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  9. I could probably keep one of those, and I bet you know which one. I have completely dodged the problem of breaking New Year's resolutions, I don't make them.

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  10. If I did make a New Year Resolution, it would be to be happy with who I am

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  11. I love your resolutions, Marcia.
    You always make me smile and realize I'm not alone in this crazy world!
    xxx
    From Duluth.

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  12. I think you'll do fine this year, Marcia. :) I hear ya about the resolutions. I've set a few myself, but my memory will probably fail me in a few months. Happy New Year!

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  13. Ah, it's that time of the year again where we set ourselves up for disappointment. I think my resolution for 2018 will be a general one - 'to keep doing what I'm doing'.

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