Friday, February 14, 2020

12 Valentine's Day Gifts That Are Worse Than A Bowel Resection

     Ahhh yes, it's Valentine's Day---the most dreaded day of the year for the majority of the male population. No one needs a GPS to find their man after work on this particular holiday. They're lined up at the drugstore card counter, sweaty palms leafing through pink and red cards on the stands. Turn down the next aisle and you'll find them grabbing heart-shaped boxes filled with chocolates off the shelf. If they're lucky, they might even find a few rose bouquets left in the cooler near the checkout counter. Nothing says "You're The Love Of My Life," than a last-minute discount gift from a drugstore.

     But there are gifts that are far worse.....and if your significant other gives you any of the following items, you have my condolences on Valentine's day......

1. A BOGO sale on pre-approved cemetery plots

2. Edible beef jerky underwear.

3. Milk chocolates made from molds of your lover's unmentionables.

4. His ex-girlfriend's favorite cologne, White Shoulders.

5. Novelty toilet paper with your boyfriend's image printed on each sheet (nothing says LOVE like wiping your backside with your man's face).

6. Sparkling rose wine bottled in the basement of his cousin's home in Asbury Park, NJ.

7. Paper roses made from recycled buffalo dung.

8. Jenny Craig lifetime membership.

9. A pregnant hamster.

10. Twelve wilted roses bought from a shady- looking guy who approached your car window when you were stopped at a red light.

11. Nose hair trimmer, bikini wax kit, and his & her tongue scraper set.
12. A sensor-activated Build-A-Bear with a continual song loop of "Every Breath You Take."

Here's to hoping you have a very NORMAL Valentine's Day with a cheesy, sentimental card and a box of cream-filled chocolates to celebrate love. Cheers!

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  1. Ah, VD. (That should give you pause for thought.)

  2. I'm thinking that edible beef jerky underwear's gotta chafe. And I'll probably be wondering about that for the rest of the day.

    1. Makes you wonder how Lady Gaga wore an entire meat costume...

  3. Yes, that is a pretty horrible list of gifts. You set the bar pretty high with that title, but I think you achieved it. I'm always good with a few hours uninterrupted by digital devices in front of the fireplace.

  4. LOL---all of these had me laughing. #11. I received a hair removal doo-hickey for mother's day one year. He brought it home from a business trip as he arrived the evening of mother's day. Nice. I eventually divorced him. :P :P :P

  5. LOL! Love the Beef jerky underwear.

  6. many of your list of twelve have you received?

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