Once again I have invited one of my favorite writers back to my blog because I just can't get enough of her humor. Please welcome my dear friend Vikki Claflin to Meno Mama's site today! Vikki's
SECOND book,
"Who Left The Cork Out Of My Lunch? Middle Age, Modern Marriage & Other Complications", is being released on February 14th, and I'm one of the lucky ones who was able to read a preview copy. Vikki is one funny lady, and her book is a HILARIOUS must-read! In case you've been living under a rock and haven't heard of her humor blog,
Laugh Lines, you've been missing out. I grabbed this Valentine's themed post from her site because it is one of my favorites. After you read her post today, you'll want to read more of her humor, too. Please welcome Vikki with lots of comment love and don't forget to BUY HER BOOK!
The
12 Stupidest Love Songs, Ever
As
Valentine’s Day looms closer, retailers are blanketing the shopping
universe with cut-out hearts and chalky sugar treats emblazoned
with “Be My Baby,” designed to get us opening our
wallets to share romantic, gift-laden evenings with our
special someone. Valentine’s Day is the great romantic do-over
for those who dropped the ball at Christmas, sending couples
scrambling once again to find the elusive perfect gift
for Baby Cakes.
Valentine’s
Day gifts can be silly and sentimental, or they can show up as
white limo rides with a dozen red roses, a la The Bachelor.
Whatever the actual gift might be, a little music can help set
the mood. Whether it’s used as background while exchanging coy
I-love-you-No-I-love-you-more smiles over dinner for two, or as a
dance to “our song,” the music you choose can make or break
the evening.
To
help you narrow your search, I’m offering a list of what
NOT to choose for your special Valentine’s Day playlist. In
no particular order of horribleness:
1.
Don’t Know Much About History (Sam Cooke). “Don’t
know much about history, don’t know much about biology.” Repeat
for science, French, geography, trigonometry, algebra, and the
ubiquitous slide rule, and you get the idea. “But
if I could be with you, what a wonderful world it would be.”
Seriously, dude?? You just admitted to being on the wrong side of the
Stupid bell curve, and yet somehow you think we’re going to hook up
and have a fab life together? Here’s a thought. Get
your GED, get a job, and lose my number.
2.
Better Dig Two (Band Perry). “I
told you on the day we wed, I was gonna love you til I’s dead. If
the ties that bind ever do come loose, if ‘forever’ ever ends for
you, read me my last rites. And let my stone say, Here lies a
girl whose only crutch was loving one man a little too much. If you
go before I do, gonna tell the
gravedigger
he better dig two.”
Wow. A hundred years of mothers teaching daughters independence
and dignity just got completely obliterated by one song.
3.
Marry You (Bruno Mars). “It’s
a beautiful night. We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey
Baby, I think I want to marry you. Who cares if we’re trashed, got
a pocket full of cash. If we wake up and you wanna break up, that’s
cool. It was fun, girl.” Worst
proposal ever. And
who needs a pre-nup when you’ve got a 24-hr annulment clause in
your back pocket?
4.
Into the Night (Benny Mardones). “She’s
just 16 years old…”
That also makes her illegal in pretty much all 50 states. Go find a
grown-up, Bens.
5.
Ticks (Brad Paisley). “You
press that bottle to your lips, and I wish I was your beer. The only
thing allowed to crawl over you is me. You know every guy here
would like to take you home, but I’ve got more class than that. I’d
like to check you for ticks.” Everything
people don’t like about country music, all in one song. Go Brad.
6.
You Lie (The Band Perry). “You
lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man’s floor. You lie
like a coon dog basked in the sunshine on my porch. You lie like a
penny in the parking lot.”
What do these even mean?? Possibly the worst analogies in
song-writing history.
7.
Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad (Meat Loaf). “I
want you, I need you, but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love
you. Now don’t be sad, cuz two out of three ain’t bad”
followed by an entire verse lamenting the one that got
away, but who he never got over. Well, gee, Mr. Loaf.
While I appreciate your only slightly arrogant offer,
and the assumption that I’d be grateful for 2/3 of your
awesomeness, I think I’d rather date your ex-girlfriend.
8.
Having My Baby (Paul Anka). ”Having
my baby, what a lovely way of saying how much you love me.”
Yeah, because this really is all about you,
Paul. Then it gets tacky, ”Didn’t
have to keep it. You
could’ve
swept it from your life but you wouldn’t do it.”
Show of hands to anyone who doesn’t know what Pauly is referring
to. How much bad taste can one song encompass?
9. Every
Breath You Take (Sting). “Every
breath you take, every move you make, every bond you
break“…(insert
more of the same)…”I’ll
be watching you.”
Then you’ll be watching me take out a restraining order on your
stalker ass.
10.
Why Don’t We Get Drunk (Jimmy Buffett). Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. What
happened?? “I
just bought a water bed. It’s filled up for me and you. Yeah, now
baby, why don’t we get drunk and screw?” I’m
trying to imagine the target that this line would work on, and I
can only assume she’s a wide-eyed band groupie who
thinks ”banging” is a proper synonym for sex. Leave the
20-somethings alone, Jimmy, and have another margarita.
11.
You Remind Me of Something (R Kelly). And just when you thought
all the bad lyrics were taken. “You
remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it. Something like my sound, I
wanna pump it. You look just like my cars, I wanna wax it. And
something like my bank account, I wanna spend it.”
So you’re saying you want to ride me, pump me, wax me, and spend
me. Uh, okay. Should I shave my legs first?
And
my all-time favorite…
12.
This Girl is a Woman Now (Gary Puckett). “This
girl walked in dreams… This girl was a child…
Then
one night her world was changed”
(insert sex with Mr. Puckett) “and
she will never be the same
again.
This girl is a woman now. She’s found out what it’s all
about, and she’s learning to live.”
Well, Mr. Puckett, those must be some damn fine lovemaking skills
you’ve got. You took a girl and made a woman out of
her. I’ll bet her Daddy is just tickled pink. He was just
spotted reloading at the local gun shop. You might want to move
along now to a different house. Or a different state.
Happy
Valentine’s Day. Now let’s cuddle up and have a slow dance.
Vikki
Claflin writes the award-winning blog, Laugh
Lines,
where she doles out irreverent advice on marriage, offers humorous
how-to lists galore, and shares her most embarrassing midlife
moments. She shows us how to master midlife with a little common
sense and a lot of laughter. Check out more of Vikki’s hilarious
writing in her newest book, Who
Left the Cork Out of My Lunch? Middle Age, Modern Marriage &
Other Complications.
Available at Amazon.com, B&N, and iTunes. Find more of Vikki’s
writing at Laugh
Lines.
