Friday, March 4, 2016

Super Spring Writer Series: Guest Post by: Rosemond Perdue

I've been crazy-busy lately, submitting posts to other websites and writing until the wee hours of the morning. I have a new post featured on Purple Clover this week---one I am particularly proud of that I know many of you will relate to. Please check out "If My Closet Could Talk." Also this week, I had a post featured on one of my favorite sites---the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop: Blind As A Rhino. Last but not least, I had a post yesterday on another awesome site I love---Midlife Boulevard. Stop by and read my funny post about what you can expect when you hit midlife: http://midlifeboulevard.com/peek-at-50s-60s/

And now, onto our special Super Spring guest writer.....I'm not sure how it's possible that I haven't been aware of today's author until just a few weeks ago. After receiving an email from her, I checked out her blog site and WOW! This lady is FUNNY! Please welcome Rosemund Perdue of Round And Round Rosie! I found so many hilarious posts on her midlife humor site, it was hard to choose just one to feature on my blog. Once you read her mom jeans post below, you'll want to visit Round And Round Rosie and subscribe to her site.

Please welcome Rosemund Perdue to Meno Mama's blog today with lots of comment love. Enjoy!

Mom Jeans Are Back, because obviously someone forgot how ugly these things were the first time around.

The 80's are back and I'm not happy. Just when I'd finally made peace with lowrise jeans (OK, so 20 years after they debuted but who's counting?) it seems that the fashion Gods have decided that Mom jeans are once again stylish.

Because I live in LA, Ground Zero for questionable fashion trends, I've gotten to see this latest fashion trend up close and personal. I've seen countless pretty young things rocking their ironic mom jeans. Waistbands up underneath their ribcages, acid washed, with pleats, and yes they look adorable. And fashionable. Hee hee. I get it. Jokes on us. These show offs with perfect long legged bodies are proving they are so hot they even look sexy in a pair of the unsexiest denim ever invented. For moms.

But lets get real.

When, like these LA model types, you are 100 pounds, you could wear a big green Hefty trashbag and look fabulous. So this isn't a good measure of what a trend will look like on mortals. Especially mortals like me who are now over 40.

Here's why you won't catch my butt in a pair of mom jeans.

Too much fabric.

My body could handle high waisted mom jeans 20 years ago when I wasn't a mom but my anatomy is no longer able to handle all that fabric. Around my middle. Mapping out every flaw. Here are two examples of boyfriend jeans or subtle flares that are way more flattering.

Where does your muffin top go?

With lowrise jeans you can let your muffin top flow over the top and hopefully hide that tire with a loose fitting top. But where does it go with a zipper a mile long. Do you try to stuff it down? Fluff it up? Do you let is overflow and pretend it's a peplum?

Tummy Tuck In?

What do you do in mom jeans? You have to tuck your tummy IN, so do you then have to go up 2 sizes to accommodate the belly, but now you can swim in the enormous legs. Plus what do you do with those side rolls that live where your waist used to be? Not to mention the continual butt wedgie these jeans produce.

Denim Thick Enough for Pioneers in Wagon Trains.

These were jeans made long before lycra and spandex, no stretch, no give and denim dense enough to last several generations. Do you remember the crotch burn we used to suffer from a day with that industrial grade denim scratching our lady parts? Burn, baby, burn.

There are probably piles of pristine mom jeans left over in landfills that never fully disintegrated. These tough jeans were meant for tough mom who did unglamorous jobs like burping, feeding and shopping at WalMart.

So who's the bastard who decided it was time to revisit high rise jeans? Must be a man who's definitely not a fan of moms.

What ugly trends are up next I wonder.

Is it time to break out my Keds and sweatshirt again too?

Side ponytails? Scrunchies? Bibs? Hillary Headbands?

Maybe for the youngsters it's an exciting new trend to try. No thank you. I remember 90210 and Friends from the first time around.

I had a modified "Rachel" hairdo. I've got picture somewhere to prove it.

In case you've forgotten mom jeans, here's Tina Fey's SNL skit on Mom Jeans and the women wearing them who've given up being sexy.

"I"m not a woman, I'm a Mom!"

Save us!

My worst fear is that fashion decides that all other denim style will be over and I'll be forced to zip my sausage torso into a pair of dowdy mom jeans with a mile long zipper.

Please fashion designers, leave me with a little dignity and some stretch fabric in my jeans. And please leave the over the waist denim trend for women who actually still have waists.

BIO:

When I’m not too busy embarrassing my teenager, I write about midlife, parenting, and life in cute shoes. I’m a contributor to Huffington Post, Babble, and have been featured on She Knows, Divorced Moms, Scary Mommy and Blunt Moms. When I’m not writing, I enjoy lying in the fetal position and obsessing about my hair.

You can find me sharing wisdom, thoughts on life after 40, and the occasional rant at http://roundandroundrosie.com/

LINKS:

https://www.facebook.com/roundandroundrosie

https://twitter.com/rounditrosie

https://www.pinterest.com/rounditrosie/

Friday, September 25, 2015

Bad Luck? Blame It On Mercury

If you've been having an unusually craptastic week, there's a pseudoscientific reason for your misfortune. Mercury is in retrograde from September 17 to October 9th, and this astrological phenomenon is the perfect scapegoat for everything that has gone awry in the past week.

"Mercury Retrograde" occurs during three periods throughout the year, a time when the planet appears to stall and spin backward. Although this is an illusion caused by the rotation of the earth, many people believe that the retrograde phase is responsible for wreaking havoc during each of these three-and-a-half week periods. Mercury is the ruling planet of communication, so it stands to reason that while in retrograde, communication, travel and technology go haywire, causing a certain degree of pandemonium on earth. Computers crash for no reason, cell phones erase info, emails are lost and transportation is a nightmare.

It doesn't stop there. Staunch believers of Mercury's trickery advise against signing important documents, traveling, starting a new job, moving, getting married, or launching a new business venture during retrograde.

I've had my own share of misfortunes in the past week; my car died, my husband was in a car accident (not hurt, thankfully) and one of my sweet pets died in her sleep. I've also had a few heated debates with friends and even engaged in a ridiculous argument with my husband one night over the Miami Dolphins….and I don't even watch football.

I'd love to blame Mercury for my bad luck, but rather than focus on my misfortune, I prefer to think of all the good things that the retrograde phase might do for me. If everything is spinning backward, that means I might have a second chance at enjoying some of the things I miss:

*My old metabolism. Maybe I can go back to eating chicken wings, donuts, and cheeseburgers without gaining a pound.

*High energy. I'd like to be as energetic as I was when I was a kid with the motivation to run around the playground, climb a jungle gym or sail down a hot metal slide without getting second degree burns on my chunky thighs.

*Good music. Pat Benetar, Journey, The Cars, Peter Gabriel, Toto, The Police…..the list goes on and on. I'd rather listen to them than some dude singing, "Now watch me whip, watch me nae nae…"

*Size eight clothing. It sure would be nice to fit into that size again, since right now the fabric from one of those tiny t-shirts would barely cover one arm.

*Required nap time. In kindergarten, we played all morning, ate lunch, then pulled out our mats and blankets to sleep for an hour. When we woke up, the nice teacher handed out graham crackers and milk. I want to go back to kindergarten….for adults. And the nice teacher hands out margaritas with chips and queso dip.

*My stamina. I could stay out all night and party like a rock star when I was in my twenties. Now I can't even make it to the dinner hour without three cups of coffee to prop me up.

*80's fashion. Shoulder pads, parachute pants and velour jumpsuits. Just kidding. Pajama jeans and yoga pants work fine.

Come to think of it, now that there's a Clinton and a Bush running for office again, who knows? Maybe there's something to the lore of Mercury in retrograde, after all.

Menopausal Mother

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