Friday, March 22, 2013

Fly On The Wall: Life In A Looney Bin



     Welcome to my third group blog posting of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com There are 13 bloggers courageous enough to spill their guts participate today in this little exercise in embarrassment.
     Whenever I know a Fly On The Wall posting is due, I go into stealth mode and listen in on family conversations. One of these days they're going to change all the locks on the house and leave my suitcases outside filled with nothing but dirty under ware.
     There are certain things in our home that we WISH we could update/trade/ban for eternity, but we can't because the lottery fairy has not graced us with good luck. Just a free can of soda every now and then from the Quick Mart. We would LOVE to put ol' Bessy out to pasture and buy a new vehicle that actually has door handles, hubcaps and doesn't smell like dog pee. But for now, the old mommy mobile (which I stopped driving years ago when the air conditioner croaked and the liner started shedding like snakeskin) is here to stay a bit longer until somebody hits the right numbers on a lottery ticket. Poor Bessy has been the brunt of many bad jokes and teenage rejection/horror/embarrassment:


     "I'm not driving the stupid minivan. It's so old, it looks like a hemorrhoid on wheels."

     "Why is the van lurching at stop lights?"
     "Because that's what's called the death march of the Honda Odyssey."

     "Even though you're a guy, you'd look a whole lot sexier in that mommy mobile if you weren't gnawing on a steak bone while driving down the highway."

     "The transmission is about to drop out of the minivan. Don't blame me if it happens today with the kids at the drive-through zoo when we get stuck in the rhino section during feeding time."


     Then there are things I overhear when all my adult children are in town visiting. Which is why I keep pen and paper nearby at all times. They think I suffer from menopausal memory loss and assume I'm just writing down items for the grocery list. Uh-huh. Somehow the conversations in our home always turn weird. And gross. If you have a strong stomach, then read on. Don't say I didn't warn you.


     "I've heard of butt floss before but this dog puts a whole new spin on it when he eats dental floss and poops out a connected trail of sausage links."

     "Stop speaking with a Jamaican accent. You weren't born in the Caribbean. You were dropped in the middle of a cornfield in Missouri when the mother ship rejected you."

     "I drank too much whiskey last night. I feel like a piece of burnt toast that has been sitting out on the counter all week and gnawed on by rabid gerbils."


     "You like your pets better than you like your kids."
     "Damn right, because they don't talk back."

     "I'm so impacted that even my breath smells like crap."
     "Then go give yourself a mouthwash enema."

     "Why is the dog stalking me?"
     "You're eating a steak. He's in predator mode."


     "You need to stop being an emotional doormat."
     "I don't mind, as long as I get free margaritas out of it."


     "She always rubs her corns on his feet when they go to bed. She says she's making corn dip."


     "Forget Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You have a case of Irritable Spouse Syndrome."

     " Go brush your hair---nocturnal creatures are nesting in there."

     "Why do you look like a Viking who just woke up after slaying a village?"


     "I just sucked down that icy drink so fast, I think my colon is frozen."

     "Every morning I end up behind the same, red truck on the way to work. The driver has a nasty sign across the back window that reads, 'Cummin' not strokin'.' Is this a bad omen?"
     "Not unless you plan on marrying him."

     "I don't see how you can get drunk all day during the game, gorge on junk food, and then do it all over again at night."
     "Easily. I have a billy goat belly."


     "I have to poop so bad, I'm going to start doing the Harlem Poop Shake."

     Welcome to the Looney Bin I call home! Please be sure to visit all the bloggers participating in the Fly today!



http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                              
http://followmehome.shellybean.com                      
http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/                
http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/                  
http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/                                   
http://mybrainonkids.net/                                                                       
http://caramelliving.blogspot.com/

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3764454/?claim=chft3xeypnx">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>


   

   

   

105 comments:

  1. Oh Marcia, this was utterly hilarious, my belly hurts from laughing... Your family is so funny :)

    I really enjoyed reading your blog today or should I say I enjoyed laughing so hard I nearly peed... hahaha

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    1. Awesome! I'm so glad you liked it, Luanna! Deep belly laughs are good of the soul!

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  2. Haha. Loved this post. And the pics! Amazing to see your family in action.

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    1. I think we need our own reality TV show, don't you?

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  3. Sounds like my house!

    One of my favorite "fly on the wall type" stories was when my kids were littler (9, 7, and 6, maybe?) It was getting close to Easter... My kids were playing in the hall, I wasn't paying real close attention, they had confiscated a step-stool and some misc. crap from around the house, but I was ignoring it because they were at least being nice to each other. Well, that's when I hear the 9 year old say to the 7 and 6 year old (7 year old is my son) "Ok, you be Jesus and we'll be the guards. And don't worry, if you fall off the cross we'll just nail you back up there." I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or perform an exorcism. Kids...

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    1. OMG the minute I heard "Nail you back up there.." I would have been running! It sounds like you DO have the same kind of crazy going on in your house!!!! Maybe we should swap families for a week just to make things interesting, Lol!!

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    2. That could be fun. Of course I get the good end of the deal, your kids are mostly grown!

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    3. Yeah, I am a bit rusty with taking care of the little ones, but I need to brush up on my skillz since I have a 14 month old granddaughter now, haha!! Maybe I can use your kids for practice??

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  4. Love it, your family is hysterical. Is it bad that I like my pets better than my kids too. . . and I don't have any pets?

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    1. Freak out your kids and tell them you DO have a pet in the house...but they just can't see it....

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  5. Your family rocks, even the dog!! Hey, the butt floss sausage links could come in handy when you want to make pigs in a blanket. Just wrap those puppies up in crescent rolls and you are good to go.

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    1. HAHAHA oh GAWD you are killing me! That is pure BRILLIANCE!!! XOXO

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  6. ROFLOL!!! I LOVE reading your Fly posts!! Reminds me that my house isn't the only one full of crazies! ;)

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  7. You ALWAYS crack me up. This is what it would sound like if both of my (grown) boys got together. It's like having your own comedy team, isn't it?

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    1. Yes! My husband is weird enough but now that the kids are older--they all have his sick sense of humor, so of course it's going to rub off on me. Where do you think I get all my blog ideas from? lol!

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  8. Seriously, I laughed so hard I was crying. Thanks Marcia for that, because after the last two weeks I needed this!! :)

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    1. Awww Janine, I hope you are feeling better and I'm glad this brought a smile to your day!!

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  9. It never fails...I get so distracted while on your page, because I move my mouse and draw designs with the cursor. lol
    You are forever one of my favorite families!

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    1. I play with the cursor, too! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing the crazies with my family---I love your site too! XOXO

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  10. This was just what I needed - great read and I giggled and giggled. Have a super weekend.

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    1. Thank you, Sue. If I made you laugh, (instead of thinking that my family is totally dysfunctional!) then I know I did my job with this post! Thanks for stopping by!

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  11. So funny. Adult children are the best because they come up with some real zingers! Those pictures were great too!!

    Poor minivan. :(


    Penny at Green Moms and Kids

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    1. Yeah, my kids have never been ones to hold anything back....I just have to remember to keep writing it down for these Fly posts!

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  12. First of all, that last picture of you is lovely!
    Okay. I love your family. So Funny. You must know that the dog sausages/dental floss thing hits home with me....but then so does the frozen margarita/colon line :)
    God Bless normal. That's what we are, right?

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    1. If we're not Michele, then it looks like you and I will be sitting side by side during crafts class with popsicle sticks in the looney bin! Love you, lady!!

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  13. Haha this reminds me of conversations with my cousins. We end up with some REALLY crazy stuff! Great Post!

    -Queen Mommy
    www.mt2sm.blogspot.com

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    1. Then I need to hang out with you and your cousin---as long as someone brings the margaritas!!

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  14. Replies
    1. Absolutely! Come on over and I'll get some wine chilling for us!!! <3

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  15. I see my sister beat me here. I've been trying to tell you your fly on the wall posts sound like our family conversations sometimes... Now I have back-up! ;)

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    1. You're right!!! I feel a LOT better knowing that y'all are as crazy as we are. But I think it's hilarious that your sister said the weird & graphic conversations take place at the dinner table....while you're eating....I have a strong stomach for this stuff but some of my guests don't. I imagine you are used to it as well. Could you IMAGINE what the conversation would be like if we all got together and talked around the dinner table? I think we might be able to create a reality TV show out of it!

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    2. There are very few boundaries in our family... Anyone is fair game at any time...

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    3. And THAT is the true definition of FUN!

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  16. HA HA! Yes our families DO need to get together. Sneaking a "quickie" here while at work-a quickie read of your post, that is! :-D

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    1. Told ya! I'll even serve up some corn dip for an appetizer!

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  17. hahaha these pictures are so funny! Reminds me of my family. :)

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    1. My family hasn't commented on these yet.. might be in a lot of trouble. Hope I don't find my bags packed outside the locked door! Lol!

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  18. I am telling you that we are separated at birth. This house if fulled with one liners and smart alec comments all day long. Even my kids get in on it and the baby at 13 is often capable of leaving the adults speechless. I am telling you I can't make some of this stuff up, no one is this crazy.

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    1. Hahaha! Looks like we are crazies together!!!

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  19. Wow, what characters your kids are. I hope my kids are this hilarious when they're grown.

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    1. They will be as long as you keep the humor alive in the family!

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  20. Wow, even the car and the dog are targets in your family. Seems unfair; they can't fight back (well, maybe the dog can). I'm going to use "Irritable Spouse Syndrome", if you haven't trademarked it already! That picture of you at the end says it all!

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    1. Yeah, I think it's kinda catchy---it could be a new syndrome: ISS. I can just see the commercials--"Are you suffering from ISS? Take some Xanax and chill out!" Lol!

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  21. That line about the dog & butt floss sounds like just something my own family would say!!! We are as sick and deranged as your family is. Must be something in the Florida air; I'm pretty sure my parents were more normal when they lived in NY before they got married. Maybe it's my brother and myself that made them crazy, I don't know ;)

    I SOOOOOO look forward to meeting you some day, you crazy blonde vixen, you!!! ;)

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    1. Yes!! I am dying to meet you, Nicole! Can you just IMAGINE the hell raising we would do? I look at your pics on Facebook and think, "Yup. My kind of gal!" One of these days....

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  22. I can just see you spying on the kids and writing your "grocery list." This is priceless!!

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    1. I think they are finally getting wise to what I'm up to now......

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  23. Wow, a looney bin for sure mate. Look at those pictures, and you've got a gun to your husbands head? Let's hope you was playing with the toy one, ha ha ha ha, you know how things can go seriously wrong when you're mucking about and don't say I didn't warn you, ha ha ha ha ha.

    I must admit that even the dog looks like it can change to psycho mode :) Well, I was going to get something to eat but I've changed my mind about the sausages after I read the floss joke :) Great Post.

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    1. That's not my hub's head--just a good friend haha!! Yeah, my little pug is quite the predator.....thanks for stopping by, RPD! Always makes me happy to see you here!

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  24. lol. I have a honda oddyssey too that just hit 100,000 miles. And is in the shop it seems every week. Just brought it in yesterday for a simple brake light fix, and found out all this other crap was wrong so have to bring it back monday. though they swear honda is so good I should get at least 200,000 miles on it. Here's hoping!

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    1. I know, right? These vans are supposed to last FOREVER but ours has been in the shop so many times, I probably could have bought a new car by now for what I paid in repairs!

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  25. Minivans - they get such a bad wrap but they really are so practical. We had one for year, and the poor thing just went and went and went. I was so reluctant to get one - it was like the admission of adulthood to me - but I loved it.

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    1. I was the same way with our first--it screamed "MOM!" and I wasn't sure I was ready to embrace that role yet. But yes, they really are convenient when you have a lot of kids--especially for traveling. Well, I guess we can always get that shiny new sports car when the last kid moves out of the house...

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  26. Total craziness!!! Ha... Gotta love it.

    I've always wanted a mini-van to jazz up a little and then travel. Maybe one day.

    Enjoyed. Have a great day, Slu

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    1. I was thinking maybe I should submit our mommy mobile for help on an episode of "Pimp My Ride."

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  27. And this is why I would sooo fit in with your family! The Harlem Poop shake! DIED!!!

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    1. Hahaha thanks Stephanie! How did I know you'd like that comment? Because we think alike! XOXO

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  28. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  29. Lmao! So funny. I think you were actually a fly on the wall in my house! Everything is always poop talk. I finally had to make a rule (that never works out) that when people come over for dinner, poop will NOT be the subject of discussion at the table. I dont care what the hell we are talking about, it always ends up there. (Or funny things dad says when hes had a few to many drinks) haha. Great post!

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    1. Thanks!!! Yeah, why is it that with families the conversation always turns to poop?? I alway thought it was just MY family that had an obsession with it!

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  30. My goodness- is that what grownup children sound like? Then I'm Glad mine live so far away. ; ) Again, JU SO FONII!!! BB2U

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    1. Love you BB!! Thanks for stopping by! <3

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  31. I love your blog, and I am your newest follower!

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  32. Popped in from Let's Get Social Sunday. Had to laugh as you describe your old car. We recently said good bye to our 16 year old Ford Explorer, and so I relate.

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    1. I know that day is coming for us--our van is 13 years old, but we just can't afford another car payment...so it looks like Ol' Bessy will be around just a bit longer....

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  33. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!
    New follower from the blog hop. Stop by Deezy Does It! blog and link up as well as have a chance at the give-a-way. We run a link up every Friday (ends Tuesdays) with a give-a-way at http://deezydoesiteezy.blogspot.com/ with a give-a-way.
    XX
    Deezy

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    1. That's wondeful, Deezy! Thanks for the follow and I will be sure to visit and link up!

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  34. LOL! My tummy hurts from laughing. Good good read. Thanks! :D

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  35. Hahaha! You're a fun bunch! Love the colon freeze pic! An dof course the puglet! How adorable!! no steak or food product is safe! haaha

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    1. You are so correct--my little pug eats EVERYTHING he can grab when I'm not looking. Plenty on NON food items, too. I think he is a goat!

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  36. I've got to say, you made me laugh harder than I have in a while. Funny post and your family sounds a lot like mine....God help us both, lol. Stopping by from the Blog Hop and now following. Looking forward to reading more!

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    1. I love new readers! Thank you so much for stopping by and for following me. I will definitely come by to check out your site, too!

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  37. OMG, I just died!!! This was hilarious and definitely needed after a crappy Monday! Thank you!

    Visiting from SITS

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    1. Hello fellow SITS girl! So happy to see you here!

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  38. ROFL still laughing. I needed the giggle. Saw you link on Friend Connect Blog hop. The "Menopausal mama" caught my eye.

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    1. Glad to have you here--I love new readers! Thank you for the follow!

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  39. Ohhh, now these are funny. Thanks for the laugh this afternoon.

    http://heidiswanderings.blogspot.com/

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    1. Glad you enjoyed and thanks for the visit!

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  40. I love that last photo of you. That explains everything :)))

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  41. Oh man! Those "fly on the wall" comments? High-larious! I am always writing stuff down too, sometimes they talk so fast that when I go back I can't read my handwriting! And with my mommy swiss cheese brain, trying to piece it together is not an option, when you don't evenr remember the conversation!
    Stopping by from I Don't Like Mondays!

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    1. "Mommy Swiss Cheese brain"--that is brilliant! Thanks for stopping by!

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  42. I knew I loved you, but I may love your children more! I LOVED this post! I live 3 hours away from my brother, who I adore, and 3 hours away from my parents too. Sadly, they don't live in the same area. They're so selfish!:-)

    When we get together it sounds like what this blog post is. I enjoyed dreading it but it made me nostalgic for my family.

    Fortunately, I also live in Missouri so I will take this as an open invitation to come over whenever I'm feeling homesick. In will even drive the minivan!

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    1. I would LOVE to have you visit! I've read your posts, Woman--I know how much fun we would have! You are welcome here any time you want! <3 And where in Missouri are you from? I lived there for close to 5 years. Miss it.

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  43. Hello sweety! This is such a amazing post to observe! Utterly like it! Are we following yet? If not then let's follow via GFC, BL, LB and FB too! Let me know, I always follow back! (: New post on my blog! Stop by me soon! xx

    With love ❤.
    www.fashionholicsparkle.blogspot.com

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  44. Thanks for stopping by, Laxmi. I'll be happy to check out your site.

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    1. Hello sweety! Thanks for stopping by and I heartly appreciate it! Following back love (: Stop by me soon again! xx

      With love ❤.
      www.fashionholicsparkle.blogspot.com

      Delete
    2. Very sweet of you--thanks for the follow!

      Delete
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  46. THIS is one of my favorite post of yours! Absolutely hilarious! Your family is well-versed in metaphors and similes (which is a definitive sign of awesome parenting). Loved it! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. It's funny you say that because I wrote a lot of poetry when they were young, so they were surrounded by it. And they have all turned out to be pretty good writers themselves--very creative kids, and I love that about them! Thanks for the kind comment!

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  48. I have relatives over at your place, I just know it! :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You probably do--and they are having loads of fun with us. Come join the party!

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    2. :) The picture of your husband with no control over his foot is laugh out loud funny. He's doesn't look a bit pleased w/the situation, which makes it even funnier. Happy Easter to you and your fam. :)

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    3. My boys were wrestling him in that picture--that's what makes to so funny to me! Happy Easter to you and your family too, Rosey! XOXO

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  50. What a fun blog! I found you on one of the bloghops..I'm following through GFC, and bloglovin! :)

    Stephanie
    http://crazylittlelovebirds.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  51. ROFL! Thanks for the smiles! Came over from Deezy and I am glad I did, cause I can tell you are a hoot!! LOL! I'm a new follower!
    Scrappy hugs,
    Connie
    http://conniecancrop.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  52. I saw your post on Sincerely, Paula: NO RULES Weekend Blog Party #41. My post is #6. I am now following you! I love your blog name and posts:) I am also menopausal mother and grandmother lol.

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    Reecea

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