Friday, March 1, 2013

The Box

 




     In my hall closet there is a box hidden beneath bath towels and bed sheets. Inside the box are scraps of memories of a child I never had the chance to know. A lock of hair, some yellowed snapshots and the black and white ink print of a foot no larger than my thumb. There was a time when I needed to open the box daily to reassure myself that the baby existed, if only for a brief moment in my arms.
     I keep the box on a high shelf crowded between old baby clothes my children have long since outgrown and the tattered, smudged drawings from their early kindergarten days.  I seldom think about the box until it's time to reorganize the closet to make room for the clutter of new memories. My hand brushes across the worn flaps and I feel the need to open it again, despite the years that separate me from that part of my past. It has been stored in the closet for two decades, yet every time I see it, I am surprised by its presence and what it once meant to me----the hopes and dreams of a young mother carrying twins. I lift the lid slowly and touch the silky wisp of blonde hair inside. Folded neatly underneath the sympathy cards and letters is a small, cotton blanket. My hand automatically smooths the satin edge and slowly I bring it to my cheek, remembering the softness of the little boy it once held.
     There was a time when I believed the box was all that I had left of Jason, until one morning when I looked into his twin sister's eyes and saw his smile. She had just taken her first step around the coffee table and rewarded me with her toothless grin. I cried then for the miracle of having such a special baby, and for the twin boy I'd never see take his first step, play catch with his father, splash in the surf, star in a school play, walk across the stage for his high school diploma or escort his new bride down a church aisle. Although I missed him and often wondered what it would have been like to raise twins, I realized early on how blessed I was to have his twin sister, who brings so much joy into my life.
     When I was younger, it was very painful to open Jason's box. It forced me to face a loss I never understood. Today, it represents more than that; it reminds me of the courage it took to work through the loss---something I never could have accomplished without the love of my family and the power of faith.  The box became a part of the healing process in my grief.  Every time I sifted through its contents, I became stronger.
     I'll never forget Jason or the softness of his skin when I cradled him in my arms. Although our time together was brief, he taught me some valuable lessons. Our children are a blessing, and the special moments we share with them are the little miracles in our lives that make up the memories we carry in our hearts when we grow old.



For J.

Your voice is hidden in the hum
of a respirator, each breath
the weight of a stone
in this sterile room
where shadows of infants
drift across hospital walls
leaves that break loose
from summer trees
scatter into fall

Clouds shift in your eyes
the hard blue of summer
the sorrow of lullabies
you will never know
only my hand against the pale moon
of your face
spirit lifting from my fingers
into the light
your small shadow etched
into the darkening sky.  
















*My surviving twin daughter and her baby girl. They are my heart.

185 comments:

  1. As I sit here in tears all I can think to say is God Bless you.. You have endured what every parent dreads and no parent should have to go through. God Bless your lit'l man.. Your daughter and her baby girl are beautiful..

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful reminder you have of him in your daughters smile. you've brought me to tears, not a difficult feat because I have a box too of our first baby and only daughter. I have been wanting to write a post like this to memorialize her but the dreams and sorrow are in my head and I can't bear to write it. Its been more than a decade and yet I will see something that reminds me of her and be reduced to tears instantly. thanks for your courage and your beautiful words to Jason.

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss too, Tanya. One day you will find that you are ready to share your story--it really is cleansing to talk about it with others. Don't be afraid to share. Your baby girl would not want you to live in pain.

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  6. Thank you for sharing this with us. Children are precious. Although I have never lost a child and can not imagine what you have been through, I do know loss. I cried when I read this. Your words are a beautiful way to remember sweet Jason. Thanks you for sharing.

    Diana @ NannyToMommy

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    1. Thank you, Diana. He will always be in my heart.

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  7. Marcia! I admire your courage to confront the saddening memories. We all have our secret griefs buried down somewhere and which threatens to burst out of us every once in a while. For me, talking about the torments I faced by writing is a therapy, once that is essentially needed to remain the person I am while I live...Thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts. It means a lot to me as your reader. May Jason rest in peace!

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    1. i agree--writing this was very therapeutic. I would love to read some of your stories, too. Send me your links whenever you get a chance.

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  8. Thank you for sharing your touching story. While I haven't been through the loss of a child, my mother has and watching her grieve over the years has been the hardest thing for me to witness. It appears that you have found a place of peace and cherish your family even more. I admire your courage.

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    1. It changed my life in many, many ways, but rather than let it pull me down, it made me stronger and more appreciative of the blessings in my life.

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  9. Very brave of you share this. It is a touching story, my heart is with you.

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  10. I had two miscarriges, they were not easy ones but I did not have to deliver my child for them not to survive... I am glad you can have some good memories when you look back.... Thank you for sharing (HUGS)

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    1. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your losses, Luanna. I had a miscarriage too, in-between my 3rd and 4th child. It came as a total shock but I was better prepared for dealing with grief a second time around. The thing is though, it is never an easy thing to deal with and it is true what they say about time healing the wounds.

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  11. Marcia, this is so sad and tragic, It is heartbreaking to try to imagine your loss. I just can't do it. But it is also wonderfully inspiring. So many people read the words you write, I hope that you feel a weight lift as others share in your loss. It is writing like this that touches peoples souls and changes lives.
    You are very brave and courageous to share this life experience it is not easy to show people our innermost selves. But there is so much that you, and we can take from this. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for writing without fear. It's Beautiful... And so are you.

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    1. Thank you Jon, for encouraging me to do this. I know you have had more than your share of pain too, and in that, we are kindred spirits. Like a phoenix, you have risen above it all and become a better, stronger person. I know that this experience has certainly changed my life, but in a better way. I'm a firm believer that all things happen for a reason--I don't believe in coincidence. But I do believe in the power of faith and love. Thank you for being there for me Jon, and for being such a good friend. You are special!

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  12. I sit here as the tears roll down my cheeks.. I couldn't imagine losing a child. I feel a loss for words, it just saddens me that what wonderful woman had to endure such pain and loss. I bet Jason's spirit lives within his twin sister, you know what they say about twins. Thank you for sharing such a private part of your life. My love is with you.
    -Ellen

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    1. Awwww thank you for these beautiful words. I do believe a part of Jason lives inside my daughter's heart--she is an AMAZING woman, and even when she was little everyone said she had SO MUCH personality---double, like a twin. As hard as it was to share this, I truly feel your love and support--and that means the world to me.

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  13. Thanks so much for sharing this <3 I have a little momento to remind me of the two babies I lost to miscarriage. Bittersweet

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    1. Oh Hannah, I am so sorry you had to go through it---twice. I think it is nice that you have momentos to hang onto. After Jason died, I was so grateful to at least have some of his things.

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  14. Hi Mom,

    This blog post was amazing and brought me to tears. I am at a loss for words right now... Having Isabella made me realize the infinite love that a mother has for their child and I cannot imagine the pain you went through. You are the strongest most loving woman I know. I'm glad that I was able to bring a smile to your face as you bring one to mine. You gave me the best childhood filled with enough love for the two of us. I hold a special place in my heart for Jason and I know he is watching over me. I feel him there <3 Thank you for this beautiful reminder.

    You are my best friend mom and I love you endlessly.
    - Jenn

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    1. Oh Honey now you've making me cry! I just wanted to share this with you and I hope you realize how much you mean to me---you've always been my special girl and I truly believe that Jason watches over you. You have given me the most glorious, beautiful blessing of all--sweet Isabella. You two really are my heart and soul. I am so proud of the woman you have become, Jenn. Both you and your sister are my best girlfriends as well. I love you to the moon and back. "As long as I am living, my baby you will be..."

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  15. Thanks for sharing your heart.
    First, I'm sorry for your loss... I'm sure it never fully leaves... which is good, the experience has become part of who you are.
    It's encouraging to see healing from something so painful, something that maybe only faith and love really mend. I think we often talk about the pain, but we all have pain, in whatever form... it's important to see how people have healed from their pain, to help us through. So thank you, for sharing...
    And your daughter is beautiful... so is your granddaughter.
    Carolyn
    http://www.ccmcafeeperspective.com/

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    1. Thank you. Carolyn! I do believe that when someone suffers a loss of any kind, the best thing to do is talk about it---when this happened to me, I went through grief counseling and a year later was counseling parents of twin loss. I hope i was able to make a difference in their lives.
      Thank you also for the comment about my daughter and granddaughter. I think they are beautiful, too!

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  16. I tried so hard not to cry while reading this post, though the tears were prickling 10 seconds in.
    Then I read the comment from your daughter Jennifer and the tears are hitting the keyboard. Thank you for your bravery to share this private part of yourself with us. What strikes me most is that the amazing funny blogger who has so much great stuff to say has secretly been through hell and back but come out on the other side, and that gives hope to everyone struggling through their own dark pit right now. Thank you Marcia.

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    1. Awww I got teary-eyed reading your comment! I was so nervous about posting this but after I wrote it, I felt so much better! I really believe that the experience has made me a better, stronger person, and if I can help anyone else going through it by sharing this story, then it was well worth it.

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  17. My heart breaks for you! You are a very strong person just to be able to live through something like this, and now to share it with us! You are a very blessed lady with a beautiful family.

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    1. Thank you Jen for the kind words. I truly am blessed!

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  18. Every day I thank God that my children and their children (and their children) are still with me. I can't imagine how the agonizing loss of a child would change me.

    My granddaughter was carrying twins during her first pregnancy. Several months into the pregnancy, doctors realized that one of the babies had died. She had to carry that baby to term, and was reminded of that loss every day. Even though she never got to know her baby, she grieved for the loss of the life she never knew.

    Another blogger, Granny Gee (Gloria), lost her son when he was an adult, and she still grieves every day for the son she loved for so many years.

    No matter how young or old our children are, we love them with all of our heart. The loss must be excruciating. Through it, though, you've managed to allow your laughter and joy to seep through – for our benefit, so while I'm sorry for your loss, I am also grateful that you've decided to honor your son by sharing your joy, your laughter, and your blogs with your readers.

    Thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life with all of us.

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    1. Wow Theresa---I didn't know that about your daughter! How is she dealing with it? If she needs someone to talk to her I am here for her! I am curious as to how it affected you as the grandmother? You'll have to share that with me sometime. All I can say is that when you go through the loss of a loved one, you have 2 choices: you can either spend your life in mourning and misery, or you can do what the person you lost would want you to do--get up, live your life, and turn the loss into something positive to help others. For me, the choice was clear.

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  19. Although I knew you had lost a son and you were working through writing about it, the story of your loss so eloquently put is heartbreaking. I'm also a little stunned. Because I have a son named Jason. And, in utero, he was a twin. . .

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    1. I just got goosebumps reading this. Do you know what the name Jason means? The Healer. And this may sound weird but I always felt a connection to you, Karen. Now I know why.

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    2. I have goosebumps too, I'm still a little stunned. But I think we were both healed a little more today, thanks to your courage. And I'll NEVER forget this connection, I'm so glad (again) that we found each other.

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  20. My heart goes out to you!

    Beautiful photos!

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    1. Thank you, Beth! I appreciate the love and support!

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  21. Wow, this is such a beautiful, heart felt and well written post. Thank you for having the courage to share this with the world. I am very sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child, even without the pleasure of knowing him more than just briefly. You are a super, strong, funny and confident woman and judging by the comments above, you are very well loved. I'm sure that Jason is looking down smiling, happy that he had the chance to meet you too.

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    1. Thank you for the positive, encouraging words. I really do believe that Jason in some way or form is watching out for us!

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  22. I am very sorry for your loss. I admire you for talking about something so painful. As, I read this post my heart broke for you. You have a very pretty daughter and grand kiddo.

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    1. Thank you! I love them and am so blessed to have them.

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  23. That was so poignant and beautifully written Marcia. Thank you for having the courage to write about something that is so painful. You definitely touched my heart today.

    Penny at Green Moms and Kids

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    1. I'm glad you liked it, Penny, and I'm glad I did it now because I think it may be helping some people.

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  24. Children are blessings no matter how long they're with us. I still wonder what my angel babies would be like, although I lost them early in pregnancy. God works in mysterious ways and it always comforted me to know that He took my babies right through His gates, no questions asked. I'm so grateful for getting to know you and the journey you have shared with us here. I will share it on my own page.

    <3 <3, Momma Trauma

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    1. Thank you for that, Momma Trauma. I know you have seen more than your share of heartache, and I am so sorry to hear about your losses as well. I also think you are an incredibly, beautiful person and I think it is wonderful that you are helping so many women out there going through similar things. <3

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  25. wow meno mama, this is so brave of you to write about this..i could not imagine how you were feeling, felt and is still feeling about this...yes, children are truly blessing(s) from God and they are miracles that happen to our lives :)

    on the side note, i'm here to bring a good news, you have been chosen as one of the Fun Friday's certified blog hopper!!that means Anne(The Pink Momma) and me (home for4 sweet home) will be featuring your button for a month for free!congratulations!

    you can grab the certified blog hopper button if you'd like...huggies♥
    rea

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    1. It was a long time ago and back then it was so terribly painful to deal with. But here I am now with 4 fantastic kids, and I truly do feel blessed. Life is good. AND you just made this a happy day for me with your news! I will be honored to grab that badge and put it on my sidebar! Thank you so much for giving this to me!

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  26. I love you Marcia. You are always so inspiring to me.I thank you personally for sharing the story of your loss. My heart aches for you and what you've carried for so long. Your words on my blog were so helpful after I wrote about the experience I thought no one would understand.I am sending you love and light today.. and always .

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    1. My eyes got teary the minute I read "I love you, Marcia"!! You have always been such an amazing source of love and friendship to me, Michele. You are such a kind, compassionate person--that's why I cried when I read YOUR serious post a few weeks ago. I love you too, my friend. We're in this together.

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  27. I am totally crying right now. A friend of mine suffered a miscarriage several years ago (two of them, actually...) and is in the middle of adopting a child from Korea. I don't think she can handle the idea of going through *that* again. She started a blog a few months ago. I wonder if you would check it out and share it for her? She is a wonderful writer and all-around inspiring human being. Here's the address for her blog: http://www.bysuchthings.com/

    Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and I'm so happy you've had the great blessing of your daughter and granddaughter! xoxo

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    1. I would be more than happy to reach out to your friend. She is new to blogging so she will need lots of love and support. Thank for sharing with me here today.

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    1. I know.....funny girl just got real serious.....I promise it won't happen too often!

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  29. You are brave, Marcia. Brave for sharing this tragic experience and brave for writing about it. I'm so glad that the box now represents your courage to heal. Many people cannot find a way through hard times and you did. It's wonderful that you have your family and faith to support you. These are powerful words that you write. I welcome a different side of you at any time you feel like sharing it. We are all better people for having shared in it with you.

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    1. I had the courage to write about it because of people like you who share so much love and support. You have always been there for me, Rachel and I hope you know I would do the same for you whenever you need me. Love you!

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  30. This is BEAUTIFUL! I am so happy that you decided to go for it.

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    1. Thank you, Shay. I couldn't have done it without the encouragement from you and all my bloggy friends!

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  31. Aw hun *hugs* couldn't imagine having to own a box :-( I wish you didn't have to either. You'll never forget and it will always feel like yesterday, my mother (67yrs) lost her baby brother when she was a child and she still cries to this day. It shows heart. Your daughter and grandaughter are beautiful and remember a part of Jason will remain in them, as he will in you, forever. *hugs* xx

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    1. Thank you for the beautiful words, Kate. I do believe Jason is still here, living in our hearts. And thank you for the hugs-- I can always use them! <3

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    1. You were so right! I'm going to listen to YOU from now on!! <3 <3 <3

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  33. Marcia, I am crying... I had to read this post four times just to get the entire thing because of the tears I am shedding for you and for Jason.

    If I could take you in my arms and hug you, I would. One mother of an angel to another.

    Tiny Angel has a box, too. It's in my closet. I kept the clothes he was wearing when he died. I know, I can honestly say, I KNOW your pain and I know the significance of "the box".

    I wonder if all surviving moms have "the box".

    You are a survivor. You are strong. I admire you so much.

    I am so proud of you for writing this. I love you and I am always in your corner.

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    1. Oh my gosh, I had no idea!!! No wonder we connected so easily! Yes, I think there are a lot of women like us who have a box. And a special someone in our hearts. I would LOVE to talk with you and hear your story whenever you feel up to it. Sending you HUGE hugs right now. Please know I am always here for you & I love you, too. I always knew you were a special lady. This just confirms it. <3

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  34. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. Thank you for coming over to read it. Hard to write but cleansing to do so. Hopefully it will help other moms out there going through their own loss and grief.

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  35. This was one of the best things you have ever written. It is filled with depth and emotion. I loved it. You should spread your wings and write more things like this!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. I just might do that...but only every now and then. Thanks for the encouragement, Kathy! XOXO

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  36. Beautiful post. I am following you through Networked blogs. Found you through Fun Friday blog hop. http://ggiftsg.blogspot.com/

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    1. Glad you stopped by--I'll be over shortly to check out your site. Thanks for the follow.

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  37. What a beautiful post, and I bet you many people have tears in the corners of their eyes reading it. How special that you shared something so intimate, even more so since it's out of character for the blog. Thank you for the heartfelt post. I'm really sorry for your loss, too.

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    1. No tears--life is good. It was difficult to go through and difficult to write about it but I am truly blessed with the family I have today! Thank you for your kind words.

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  39. I have been blessed to have never had to experience that type of loss. I can't force myself to think of the pain you have endured. The strength that you have shown is inspiring. Not only by surviving and not letting his death pull you under but by being able to share your story even though it is difficult. I hope that if I ever face something as challenging as you have I can only be half as strong as you Marcia. You are an amazing, wonderful woman.

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    1. Awwww thank you, Queen! What a nice thing to say. Something tells me you would handle things the same way--you strike me as a very compassionate, strong woman. I am so glad I met you through Blogger Addicts!!

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  40. Ah, a heart wrenching piece. But, this speaks of your courage, your strength, your pain, your maturity...Nothing can be worse than a loss of child for a Mom. May this never happens to a Mother again...!!
    Your daughter and little angel look awesome. may God bless thm.
    You take care, MM.

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    1. My heart always breaks for moms who lose their babies. It takes awhile but eventually you find your peace again, and I have found such joy in my other children. I'll always miss Jason, but I think in a lot of ways he is still here, watching over us. And that brings me comfort.

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  41. Beautiful, breathtaking and heartbreaking.
    I've never been able to write about my own experience with this kind of loss. And so with all my heart, I want to say a massive thank you, for choosing to share this with all of us.

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    1. Oh Lily, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through it, too. If you EVER want to talk, I'm here for you. It really does help and it's wonderful to know that there are people who really care. Maybe some day you'll be ready to write about it, too. XOXO

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  42. Oh my, I've been reduced to a heaving puddle of tears. Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story.

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    1. Awww I didn't want to make anyone cry! Things are good now, I promise. It was hard at the time but I have found my peace and now there is nothing but joy with my family. Thank you though for telling me that this moved you. Jason was, and aways will be, a special little guy.

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    2. <3 <3 <3 You are too kind. Thanks for coming back.

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  43. This makes me think of my mother-in-law... she lost her second child 5 days after he was born.. She never talks about it but I imagine she would say the same thing you just did.. I can never imagine her or your pain but I will pray for you when I pray for her.. I just hope that I can be as strong as you have been no matter what I face in life.. you are an inspiration :)

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    1. That is such a nice compliment--thank you! I'll bet your mother-in-law has a box hidden somewhere, too. If she ever wants to talk about it, be there for her and comfort her as best you can. Being surrounded by love is what gets a person through their grief. I am fortunate to have such close, caring, friends and family!

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  44. A good post. Not easy to write something from the heart. That takes guts to do. My respects, good wishes and my thanks go to you for posting this.

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    1. Thank you, Andy. I debated posting this for months, but after talking to several other bloggers who encouraged me, I felt it was time to show the other side if Meno Mama. Thank you for coming by to read it and share with me!

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  45. You are a great writer, the funny stuff and the sad stuff! I'm glad you shared this. It's good for people who have to go through that to know that although it's painful at the time, that eventually laughter will accompany the tears. :-D

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    1. It always does. Thanks Sarah. You've always been so supportive and I appreciate that.

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  46. This is a sorrow, a naked pain, I cannot even begin to imagine. Yet I believe that every soul - no matter how long or briefly it finds embodiment on this Earth - has a purpose. You didn't let his purpose escape you. The box of his physicality is a precious reminder of the box of hard won lessons he brought...and you received. So often, the lessons get lost in the sadness and fear and confusion and pain that comes with life. Somehow, you manged to sift through a devastation bigger than what most of us can even begin to fathom, and you found his gift to you.



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    1. This is so beautifully expressed--I'm awed by it. Thank you, thank you, for sharing these words with me. <3

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  47. I'm sobbing. And I know you didn't want to make anyone cry, but sometimes it's feels good to cry. I have a twin brother, I feel so lucky to have him in my life. Thank you for sharing this story with us. xoxo

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    1. Awww Josie!! I think it is WONDERFUL that you are a twin! I'll bet it was great growing up with you brother. Sure, I wish my daughter had the same experience but she grew up with 3 other siblings and I really don't think she noticed the loss. I am blessed to have the babies that I do, and I will never, ever take their health and well- being for granted. Love you, lady! XOXO

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  48. I started reading this post this morning when you put it up...but knew a few sentences in that I would have to wait until after I got home from work, because I didn't have time to re-do my make up and I was going to cry...

    I haven't got a box like yours, and I am willing to admit that I thank my lucky stars every day for that. It is every mother's worst nightmare, and here you have eloquently (expected no less) written again about something that no one likes to talk about. I am so grateful to you for sharing your story and your box with us because we all have a box of some sort, and your courage in writing about yours has show us that we don't need to hide them away forever. For a time, yes, because our grief is our own. Something we need to hug to ourselves.

    Eventually though those stories should be shared. Because so often we women are told to keep the lid on our boxes, our grief is invalidated. Your story already (from the comments here) has touched the hearts of others in the sisterhood who do share your grief. My heart breaks for what you have endured, and yet sings that you did in fact endure.

    xo
    tamara

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    1. Oh Tamara! What you have written here is so beautiful it makes my eyes tear up (again). I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me!! I especially love what you said about the box---it really is symbolic of all the griefs we keep inside that we DO need to share one day when we are ready. And that last line of your comment--beautiful poetry to my ears. Thank you SO much for sharing this kindness with me. <3

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  49. Just finished sobbing...this post truly touched my heart. I can't imagine the sorrow you went through. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. Awww..it was a long time ago. Time and the love of my kids has helped me through it. My appreciation is much sharper now--things always happen for a reason, and I've tried to make something of his death work in a positive way for other people who may be going through the same thing. I don't ever want ANYONE to think that they have to endure such a loss by themselves. Believe me, I'm feeling the love today from all of you. I cannot express adequately what this support means to me.

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  50. Marcia, thank you so much for letting get a glimpse of this side of you. I'm so sorry for your loss but so glad that you have been blessed with such a beautiful family and such an amazing sense of life and of humor!! Big hugs to you and yours.

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    1. Thank you, Teri. I really meant what I have been saying about all you wonderful, bloggy friends---you guys have been my strongest support--I never could have posted this without it. Thank you for the love and hugs! <3

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  51. Brava for your depth and honesty. Laughter and tears hold hands on the walk of life. One doesn't exist without the other. You know how I feel about the loss of a child. There is no greater sorrow--a sorrow I'm not sure I myself would ever be able to recover from, so I am in awe of people who manage to go on. It's difficult to write about pain. I haven't been able to do it yet. I still hide behind sarcasm.

    Beautiful post, my friend.

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    1. "Laughter and tears hold hands on the walk of life..." So beautiful! I knew you would understand because you are a true friend. And I know that when you are ready to share your own pain, it is going to be a heart wrenching and beautiful story at the same time. You know I'm here for you if you ever want to talk. Thank you Tiffany, for being such a good friend.

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  52. <3 Big hugs for sharing.... I once lost a child I wasn't ready for & also feel both sad and blessed for the chance to be ready for the ones I have. Lots of love <3 Thank you for sharing. Your twin girl & her baby are beautiful.

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    1. Thank you so much for the sweet comment, Jenn. I knew you'd understand.

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  53. It takes an enormous courage to share traumatic experiences and I agree with comments above that writing about them is therapeutic. Thank you for sharing yours and I hope it helped you as much as it helped me with mine. It also took me two decades before writing about it although it was different in nature. We accept and embrace the fact that our grief makes us strong only because there is no alternative for obtaining this attribute. May you find peace and may memories of Jason always comfort you.

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    1. I am sorry to hear that you went through a loss as well. That saying--"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"---so true!

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  54. Marcia,
    This post is so beautiful, and I am so glad you pushed the publish button. Far too many of us have these boxes tucked away for the children we carry in our hearts. Sending all my love to you this morning, my friend. xoxo

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    1. It was a tough decision but I felt so much support from you and all my other blogger friends---it just seemed like the time was right. And now after reading all these lovely comments, I know it was the right thing to do because it seems to have helped others who have experienced the same pain. Knowing there is someone who loves you and is there to catch you if you fall, makes all the difference in the world. Thank you for sharing your beautiful commets with me!

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  55. Double M (#2)... Thank you for sharing your story. I don't mind saying a tear welled up in my eyes looking at those last 3 pictures of "what was and what is." For me, you also shared a very POWERFUL sentence:

    "Without the love of my family and the power of Faith."

    That one line resonates with me more than you know. May God Bless you and your family. Take care, Slu

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness, Slu. It means the world to me.

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  56. I'm glad you published this, Marcia. Never fear telling the truth about something, if it comes from the heart, and this did.

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    1. Your encouragement is part of the reason I did it--and everything you said was right.

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  57. Absolutely wonderful tribute to your beautiful baby boy! Still in tears...thank you for sharing! Boxes are a good thing. I too have a box filled with memories. Memories of my mom's last days here on earth,(a carnation from her funeral, the tissue she used to dust off my bookshelf three days before she passed, her Dr's appointment card dated two days before her death)...anything that I could grasp that reminds me of her. I keep it on my fireplace mantle and I too pull it out every now and then and reminisce. Someone once said a person is only dead when you've forgotten about them. Thank you for keeping your precious little angel's memory alive!

    Michell @Prowess and Pearls

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    1. What a beautiful story, Michell! I think it's lovely that you still think of your mum like that and have precious memories of her. You have kept her alive in your heart, and that's what matters most!

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  58. You are an amazing Woman Marcia :), you bless my heart :). Thank you for sharing

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  59. I finally was able to read this (sorry for the lateness, was traveling yesterday) and WOW. It's absolutely amazing and gorgeous and a beautiful tribute to your sweet son. You're so brave to share this and I admire your strength so much. Honestly, I think it's one of the best posts you've ever written. It takes true talent to show this side of you in such a powerful way. Love it. <3 Thank you for sharing this innermost part of yourself.
    Your daughter and her sweet baby are lovely!

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    1. Thank you Kristi for coming by to share this with me. I guess it doesn't hurt to share a serious post every now and then...as long as it can help people, I'll be happy!

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  60. My heart sunk as I read this post. I'm sorry that you had to suffer such a loss that will be with you until the end of your days. Sometimes behind the laughter and jokes we have no idea what those same people are going through. We see them as strong individuals surviving and coping with everything in life but in reality they have grief the same as us. I'm glad that you have a box to go-through as many have not. I'm glad you have such as wonderful family to lean on, as many have not. I'm glad that you are able to share you joys and woes with us because many cannnot. I admire your courage MM. Please share your story on my latest post because it's about resilience and I'd love you to explain what enabled you to cope in the hope that you sharing your experience will be of benefit to others, who may be going through a time of crisis. Make sure you leave a link.
    Thanks for sharing such an incite into your personal life.

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    1. So eloquently said, my friend. I would be happy to share this story on your site if you think it might help others. And I would be happy to talk privately with anyone going through this type of loss. They need to know they are not alone, and that one day they will be able to move on--which is OK--it doesn't mean you are giving up that person--it just means that you still have to live your own life and in doing that, you honor them every day and are keeping their memory alive within your heart. It's what they would have wanted.

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  61. Hi Marcia . I think you have left us at a loss for words with this post. I echo the thoughts of so many other comments above. And thank you for the love and happiness you share on a daily basis with us masking this tragedy in the background. We love you dearly.

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    1. And I love you! Thank you Lanthie, for being such a good friend to me this year---your friendship has even me so much strength---which is why I am here today telling this story.

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  62. Absolutely beautiful. What a brave heartfelt post.

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    1. Thank you Annie, for taking the time to come by and read it.

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  63. Wow- - I am speechless. Your little boy is an angel in the heavens and I am sure he knows what you have gone through.
    I admire your strength and courage. This post made my heart feel a deep pain but again some how it also gave me a little glimmer of healing.
    One of my friends from college had lost her baby girl at the age of one, because of having a problem with her heart. She would have been thirty years in age by now. The sad thing with her was that the little girl did not have a twin. Your post brought back memories of her.

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    1. What a terrible tragedy to lose a baby who is a year old! I hope your friend recovered from the loss as best as possible. And I'm glad you were there for her when she needed you most.

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  64. A touching tribute to your beautiful son. So very sorry for the loss you've suffered.

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  65. I have just such a box......and after nearly six years just this past summer the box was moved from a place in our dining room where I saw it every day~ to a place more private. I no longer feel the need to open it every day~ though I do still open it often. From one mother to another~ thank you for sharing your story.
    Love and light,
    Ginger

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    1. Awwww thank you for sharing this with me. It seems there are quite a few of us with a special box hidden somewhere in the house. It sounds as if you are moving forward---which is a good thing. I would love to hear your story if you are up to telling it. If you need to talk sometime, you can email me at: marciakesterdoyle@yahoo.com Sending hugs your way. XOXO

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  66. I knew I loved you! This is so beautifully written, you needn't ever apologize for straying from the funny. I'm so sorry for your excruciatingly painful loss. I can't even imagine. Thank for sharing Jason with us. Much love...

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    1. You are so sweet! It was time to share Jason's story in the hopes that it would touch others going through something similar. I think we ALL have some sort of tale of loss, whether it be a child, a parent, a sibling, or something else. I learned a long time ago that talking about it is very healing--and now I've learned how cathartic it is to blog about it. I felt so much better after sharing this.

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  67. ((Marcia))...I'm sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine. No matter as the years pass, the tears are less, the love grows stronger. You are a wonderful person and I'm glad the day "bumped" into your blog!

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    1. You have always been a faithful reader, Donna, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. Thank you for your kindness and support.

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  68. Oh, Mama. My heart just aches for you. I know you didn't write this post for so many of us to say, "I'm so sorry," but instead to share another side of you. That's a brave thing to do and I applaud you for it. Hugs xo

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    1. I didn't want to make people sad but I guess it was inevitable given the nature of the post. I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite going through a terrible loss, you CAN pick yourself back up after grieving and turn that loss into something good. You CAN move forward in life and share that love with others. Sure, I lost my sense of humor for a few years there but it's back now, and life is good. Jason left me blessed in many ways & taught me things I never knew about myself. He was and always will be an inspiration to me.

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  69. This made me cry. I'm coming up on the anniversary of my loss. My loss was far too early to have a box of things, I never even got to see a heartbeat.

    Thank you for sharing this piece of you. Our losses were very different but I still feel a connection when others like you allow me to glimpse how they dealt with their pain. Thank you. Really.

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    1. Losses cannot be compared--whether it's a baby, a child, a parent, sibling or friend--grief cannot be measured. You carried a baby inside you and you have every right to mourn that loss, my friend. I hope you are finding some peace in the healing process. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. XOXO

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  70. That was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing Jason with us. I'm sitting here trying not to cry but I think I'm losing the battle. I miscarried at 18 and almost 20 years later, it can still bring me low. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself with us. (hugs) Your strength is beautiful and inspiring.

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    1. Miscarriages are very haunting--a lot of "what ifs" involved. I had a miscarriage about 4 years after losing Jason. I was better equipped to deal with it because I knew what to expect from the grieving process the second time around. But it always bothered me because I knew nothing about that baby. It was very painful but I think I recovered a little quicker. However to this day, I still question that loss as well, and I will always wonder about that baby.

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  71. My heart goes out to you. Time doesn't make the feelings go away. A part of your heart is still with Little Jason. But the good thing is a part of Little Jason will always live in your heart.

    Just hopped by with WSM Blog Hop.

    http://agutandabutt.blogspot.com/

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    1. He will never be forgotten--I still see him in his twin sister's eyes.

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  72. It took strength to open your box and there are others who will gain strength from looking inside. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I hope they do...that's why I wrote it.

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  73. I am so sorry for your loss, but know how incredibly blessed you were to get to meet Jason, and to have your beautiful daughter still with you today. I had twins as well, but lost one during pregnancy, and also lost a sweet baby who would be 15 months old now. I wish I could have met my babies, even though it would have been heart-wrenching to say goodbye. You are blessed, indeed. Glad to have found you through Mom's Monday Mingle. I'm following you via GFC. Have a great day, and thanks for sharing this.

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    1. Oh Shandy! You have a twinless twin then too, right? It is a different kind of grief, that's for sure. But yes, I DO feel fortunate that I at least got to see Jason and held him. So many moms don't even get that opportunity. I really am blessed with the family I have today.

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  74. I so very sorry for your loss..words cannot express how sorry. Thank you for such a heartfelt, beautiful post! I'm so glad you chose to share it with us.

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    1. Thank you Roshni! I felt a lot better after getting this post off my chest and sharing it. I hope it does others some good and perhaps will encourage them to write that difficult post that they have been putting off doing.

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  75. Hi Marcia! I came across this online today...I'm glad you and your family are well, congratulations on your granddaughter!
    Jean

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    1. OMG there's a voice from the past!!! You'll have to send me your email Jean so we can get caught up!! I'm at: Marciakesterdoyle@yahoo.com

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  76. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  77. Such an absolutely beautiful post. So sorry for your loss. Huge hugs. xxx

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    1. Thank you for the kind words, Linda! <3

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  78. I just want to hug you right now. Thank you so much for sharing your innermost thoughts and heartache with all of us. The post from your daughter is a true testament of what an amazing woman you are and also brought tears to my eyes. I know that you have helped so many others with this post, perhaps some that are just starting their journey without their baby and your words will help them to know that they are not alone. Blessings to you, Marcia.

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    1. Thank you so much Kelly and Tiffany for your sweet words. My daughter Jenny's comments made me cry, too, when I read them! But hopefully the post reached out to all those moms out there who lost their precious babies. I hope they know that one day they too, will heal.

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  79. This a very heartfelt post, Marcia. I always see you as a cheerful person. I never thought that behind all the humor lies a painful episode in your life. I'm deeply sorry for that. You're a very sweet mother to have been keeping all the stuff in a box of memory. I'm glad that the loss did not make you weaker but stronger. Take care!

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    1. Me too Zunnur. When it was happening, I didn't think I'd ever crawl out of the despair. But once I looked around me at all the blessings I have, I was able to draw strength from that, and so here I am today, and life is good.

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  80. After looking at a number of the blog articles on your website, I honestly
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  81. This is such a beautiful post. I'm so sorry for your loss and thanks for sharing this with us...

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  82. Thank you for sharing such a touching story. I am sure it was not easy to write, but shows incredible strength. I am sure this is going to help someone that might be going through something similar. Your family is very beautiful.
    Angie G.

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    1. I hope it does. Thanks, Angie, for stopping by.

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  83. Thank you for sharing your story. I have three year old twins. I'm amaze and feel bless having them in our life. What a blessing for you to have your daughter and granddaughter around you. What a beautiful post of seeing and feeling the good even in a sad situation.

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    1. We have to gather strength and learn from these experiences before we can move on. I feel completely blessed for what I have. Thank you for the kind words and for stopping by!

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  84. Wow! Such a sweet, from-the-heart post! I have twins. Baby twins. I love them to pieces because I know that many families don't get to keep their twins, like yourself and a friend of mine (she lost both at 3 months). Thank you so much for sharing. Although your wonderful writing style made me cry, I love that you had the strength to put these feelings into words. You are an amazing woman!
    Nikki

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    1. Thanks, Nikki! I am truly happy for you that you get to have that experience of raising twins. Hold those babies close and know that you have been blessed!

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  85. New Follower from the Pink Momma Blog Hop

    hope you can visit and follow too:
    www.prettylittledahlia.com

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    1. Thanks for coming by, Claudia. I couldn't find your name on my GFC so I don't think it went through.

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  86. What a beautiful but sad post! We nearly lost our baby boy at birth. I feel so lucky to still have him with me!

    I found your blog through the Pink Momma hop and I am now following you on twitter.

    Thanks for sharing your experience!

    Sara

    http://myfinnishdelights.blogspot.se/

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    1. I am so happy for you that your little boy survived! You are blessed!

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  87. Good Morning, Menopausal Mama. I found you through "Thumping Thursday's Blog Hop" and glad I did. Your article was so touching and moving that it reminded me of my losses, not that I need something to remind me as it's always there in the back of my mind. I never had a chance to meet my babies (4 confirmed, but I think there were 5)as they didn't make it past 9 weeks of pregnancy. While reading your beautifully written piece I found myself with tears in my eyes. My last loss is coming up on 12 years now and as the years go by it does seem to get easier...but it also seems as the pain is always there. Anyway, I loved your written piece and I look forward to following you. Thanks, Lyssa from Pure Coupon Magic

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    1. Awwww...Lyssa, I am so sorry for your loss, too. You are so correct--we move on and time heals, but we never forget our babies....

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  88. just had a look around your blog and i love it :) really fun and different!


    i've followed you through the friday blog hop. id love it if you could follow me back! www.rainbowsandbeauty.blogspot.com xx

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    1. Thanks for the follow. I'll be around to check out your site as well.

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  89. As a mother to a mother, I'd say that this is one of the most heartfelt blogs I've ever read. I could feel your pain in every word. You're such a strong woman! I applaud you. It's true what they say - the funniest people hides the deepest pain. Jason's your guiding angel. I'm pretty sure that he's also heartbroken 'coz he didn't get the chance to grow up with a mom like you. :-)

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    1. What a beautiful thing to say--thank you so much for this!

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  90. What a beautifully written, heartfelt post! I'm so grateful you shared your story and your pain with us. You are an amazing woman with a huge heart and a story that needs to be told so that others may gain strength and inspiration.

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    1. Thank you, Doreen! I appreciate your kind words and for coming by my site!

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  91. What a beautifully written piece. A fitting tribute to Jason.

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  92. So beautiful! I will never forget when you first connected with me, months ago, to share my grief with me over losing one of my twins. Thank you for linking up with us today for Bereaved Mother's day. This is a beautiful piece! And as always, so sorry for your loss!

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    1. I always knew I felt a connection to you, and now I know why.

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  93. I wanted to come and comment on the original post instead of the feature post. I'm so sorry for the loss, but it seems you have come to peace with it, which is so important in the healing process. Our children are definitely are hearts.

    liz jo @ sundays with sophie

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    1. Thank you so much Liz for reading the post and for sharing your kind thoughts with me.XO

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