Welcome to another edition of the Fly On The Wall series hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. 13 bloggers are participating today, allowing you to see what REALLY goes on behind closed doors in their homes. If you have voyeuristic tendencies or like reality TV, then these Fly On The Wall posts are perfect for you!I discovered several new ways to spy on my family for these posts without their knowledge. The first is called, "Fake Sleep." That's right. We've all done this. Women are especially adept at this skill when their husbands come to bed late. I fake sleep on the couch so that I'm privy to the conversations whispered around me.
Another handy spy tactic is "Fake Bored." I pretend I'm not listening when my family calls me. I throw in a few yawns for good measure....meanwhile I'm frantically writing down every wonky comment that comes out of their mouths.
Lastly, and my personal favorite, is "Fake Drunk." This one is almost too easy to do and quite obviously where my true talent lies. I have mastered the slurred word, the glassy-eyed stare and can even wobble better than a penguin when I walk. Everyone confides in me because they assume I'll never remember the conversation when I wake up the next morning. Yeah, I'm crafty like that.
If you were hanging around the Fake-Sleep-Bored-Drunk, these are the snippets of conversations you would have heard around my roost:
"Stop burping so loud! You sound like a seal in heat!"
"My toenails fall out as easily as baby teeth."
"I just got molested by your chinchilla. He had sex with my forearm."
"I'd give my right testicle for a sprinkler system."
"There needs to be a gadget in the car that allows you to poop while you're stuck in heavy traffic. But then you'd need a car bidet to go with it. Okay, so maybe this isn't the best invention..."
"My blister just popped...there's water coming out."
"That's not dinner conversation."
"Anybody thirsty?"
"That ratchet ceiling fan in our bedroom is having another seizure."
"I felt like I was being eye raped by that creepster in the Walmart line."
"I'm living inside myself and I can't get out!"
"No more vodka! I'm allergic to hangovers!"
"Are you watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives?"
"Nope. I'm watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dillholes."
"For my retirement party, I don't want a gold watch--- I want a penis pump!"
"Yeah, our house is unique---it's the only one with the word "Poop" engraved on the windowsill."
"There's a hole in the roof of our junked-out mini van. I put duct tape over it to keep out the rain but it still sounds like I'm driving through a wind tunnel."
"I just had a Kamikaze mosquito on a death mission use my forehead as a landing strip. Now he's in my ear and it sounds like a damn dentist's drill!"
"I have to go to the bathroom so bad---my poop is now deploying into phase #2."
"Sniff my arm pits."
"NO! Why?"
"I don't have any deodorant on. Do I stink?"
"I don't know but I am NOT sticking my nose in there, even if you were sweating chocolate!"
"What the heck is that noise my chinchilla is making in his cage?"
"It sounds like he's using a nail file on the bars to break out."
"If you're so worried about cellulite, go buy some oinkment cream to get rid of it."
"No offense, but the older you get, the more you resemble that blue eagle with the bushy eyebrows on Sesame Street."
"Are you sitting on my pillow?"
"Yeah."
"Did you just fart on my pillow?"
"Yeah."
"I have to sleep on that tonight!!!!"
I can't make this stuff up, folks. This is how my family rolls! Now go and visit all the other funny bloggers participating in today's Swap!
Hahaha these pictures are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI always keep my phone handy because you just never know when that perfect shot will occur!!
DeleteYou always crack me up!
ReplyDeleteLove to make my BFF smile! <3
DeleteI have to remember your advice on how to get the best of the comments heard. Seriously fake drunk sounds perfect to me, lol!! :)
ReplyDeleteIt works!!! You have to get crafty because they start to figure it out and then they clam up around you!
DeleteBRILLIANT!!! I was just talking about how I was going to have to start sneaking around to get the good stuff!! LOL
ReplyDeleteWell there ya go--I gave you some of my top secret spy skills to get the dirt on your family!
DeleteIt's nice to know that the "poop" conversation doesn't end at the age of 14. LOL These were great, as always!!
ReplyDeleteThe poop conversations NEVER end if your family is obsessed with bodily functions like mine is!
DeleteLove, love, love. You always make me laugh. I am so in the thick of little ones it's refreshing to see what family looks like beyond the battles over clothes. Nice to hear that we'll never loose the poopy talk.
ReplyDeleteYou will never, ever lose the poopy talk. Even though my kids are grown, I have an untrained toddler pug, and I catch myself saying stupid things like, "You gotta go poopy, baby?
DeleteI love your family. I love that you have mastered the Fake Sleep/Bored/Drunkness...You have serious skills, woman! Now I have to show this to my husband; I'm pretty sure he invented "Need to poop, Phase 2". Yes, it's a happy, healthy marriage :)
ReplyDelete<3 you
Hey you're comfortabel talking about poop, so for me that's a NORMAL family! We really need to visit, you know....
DeleteThank you for my new term of endearment "eye rape". I'm quite sure I'm guilty of that every time I see Ryan Reynolds in People Magazine.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Isn't that great? My daughter said that and I jumped on the phrase. Actually, a lot of these quotes come from her....but she'd kill me if I revealed which ones!
DeleteThese are always fun to read, and LOL on the eagle comparison!
ReplyDeleteHe DOES look like him, doesn't he???
DeleteHey you're getting pretty sneaky!! These are always great and help us see where your family gets their crazy!!
ReplyDeleteEither that or a bit of insanity runs in the gene pool somewhere..
DeleteI don't know if it's Disney Channel's influence or the stellar choices of music kids have today, but they come up with remarkable new terms, like "eye rape." The rage at my kids' school now? "Bean dip." It involves an unwelcome touch to the breastal region by a hormonal boy who is just asking for a throat punch from a blog dad.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff, mama!
Hi Coach Daddy! Happy to see ya here! Oh, I am well aware of "Bean Dip." My nephew pulled that stunt a year ago on me at Disney World. He deserved a throat punch but I just pinched his nipple really hard instead. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteIt's good to know that someone has a family even wackier than mine! I'm very excited by your post though, because I never thought of the "fake drunk" maneuver. I could totally rock that.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely loved your post!
Thanks, Lorinda!! Yeah, we are certifiably wacky here....
DeleteAs usual, I loved your post and want to be adopted.
ReplyDeleteSaving a chair at the dinner table here for you....
DeleteI just love these pics. They're priceless. And could be used for blackmail.
ReplyDeleteWho knew fake drunk was a skill? If you make sweating chocolate into a skill, let me know!
If I could sweat chocolate I'd be licking my limbs all day...oh, that just doesn't sound right....
Delete.
Love. Your. Family. I would gladly take a fart pillow just to hang out with them for a day.
ReplyDeleteIt's all yours---come on over!!!
DeleteHahahaha, oh you never disappoint!
ReplyDeleteGlad you like it! So happy to see you here!
DeleteMarsha, you never let me down... I know when you post I will most assuredly have a great laugh as I did... you're family is hilarious...lmao
ReplyDeleteThat makes me so happy to hear that, Luanna, thanks!!
DeleteNow I'm going to have to be keenly aware of what Donna is up to...
ReplyDeleteFake sleeping or really sleeping: Ha!!!
Enjoyed, as usual. Have a great Holiday Weekend, Slu
We women are pretty clever! We got that fake sleep thing down yo!
DeleteYAY for faking it! I don't have to be quite so stealthy, thank goodness. As a matter of fact, my husband tells me to write stuff down for the fly posts now!
ReplyDeleteBA HA HA! It just made me smile that there are families as weird as mine out there...
And THAT, dear friend, is why I love you so much!
DeleteI've said this before on someone's blog, and I'll say it again here: I try really hard to be very specific when I comment on a post to show that I read it, appreciated it, and truly enjoyed it--because I do. But this one...I cannot. Because it was ALL so damned good and hilarious that I was laughing out loud the entire time. How can I only pick one thing to be specific about? And the pictures that you put up to go with it: PERFECTION!! I have a crazy family, too, so I can really appreciate this. Another one hit way out of the ballpark, Meno Mama!!
ReplyDeleteAww Girl, I heart you so bad! We gotta get our families together some day since we have our twisted sense of humor in common!!
DeleteThe whole family is crazy MM. Look at those pics - hilarious. I have another tip for you. Put a secret CCTV on the ceiling in every room except the bathroom of course, to cover the days when you are not home. You can then sit in the car and watch and listen to even more crazy stunts from them, ha ha ha. And it would make a good Christmas gift for each of them :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I wish I could do that RPD!!! I'll bet I could get some interesting footage! Thanks for stopping by--always happy to see you here.
DeleteCute blog! Newest follower via weekend blog hop. Would love for you to follow back!?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the follow, Jonnique!
DeleteWhy do they save the best stuff for when they think we're asleep/oblivious/drunk? There's a question that begs an answer . . .
ReplyDeleteLoved the post - and the pics!
Thanks, Diane. I always have fun writing these posts!!!
DeleteOMG I am living inside myself and I can't get out, either. Awful! Holy crap you are funny funny funny.
ReplyDeleteHahaha it's true, Kristi!! Help me, I can't get out Lol!!! Glad you stopped by and enjoyed the laugh! XO
DeleteYou know these are my favorite posts of yours! LOVE THEM! Your family is flipping hilarious. Please tell me they will all be there and will say funny things the next time I come to Florida!
ReplyDeleteAnd believe it or not, I play a very convincing drunk. Yeah, I know. I'm really good. ;-)
I can't WAIT to meet you here next fall! And oh YES--- I promise you a LOT of laughter!!! And a lot of "fake drunk" talk! XO
DeleteYour family looks just as crazy as MY family!!! I love it!!!
ReplyDeleteLotta love there, for sure!
That's why you and I get along so well!
DeleteThis is beyond hilarious. I want to come to dinner at your house and get fake-drunk with you! HA! Oh and my favorite? Wanting a penis pump instead of a gold watch for retirement. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteI would LOVE to have you over for a fake drunk session!
DeleteHi Marcia! Just a quick note to let you know I am following you now via G+ as well and to thank you for joining our Let's Get Social Sunday Party
ReplyDeleteThanks for the follow, Linda!
DeleteYour faily ROCKS I love all the pics!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mommy Bags! So happy to see you here!
DeleteYou always crack me up! I can totally fake sleep...but sometimes it ends up with me actually falling asleep too!
ReplyDeleteYeah---if you do it for too long, you WILL fall asleep!
DeleteA day in the life...I, too, would love to spend a day/weekend with you. Love it!!!
ReplyDeleteBarbara @ allmylivesnow.blogspot.com
You are welcome any time, Barbara!
DeleteLOL I love visiting your website. Great for a giggle.
ReplyDeleteGlad I could bring you some laughter today!
DeleteI hope those are the only things you fake! :) Other than that, I have no words.
ReplyDeleteHahaha!! Get your mind out of the gutter, young lady! XO
DeleteStopping by from Friend Connect Blog Hop.
ReplyDelete@JLenniDorner
The sand jump picture is great.
Thanks for stopping by!
Delete