Welcome to another edition of the Fly On The Wall series hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. 13 bloggers are participating today, allowing you to see what REALLY goes on behind closed doors in their homes. If you have voyeuristic tendencies or like reality TV, then these Fly On The Wall posts are perfect for you!
I discovered several new ways to spy on my family for these posts without their knowledge. The first is called, "Fake Sleep." That's right. We've all done this. Women are especially adept at this skill when their husbands come to bed late. I fake sleep on the couch so that I'm privy to the conversations whispered around me.
Another handy spy tactic is "Fake Bored." I pretend I'm not listening when my family calls me. I throw in a few yawns for good measure....meanwhile I'm frantically writing down every wonky comment that comes out of their mouths.
Lastly, and my personal favorite, is "Fake Drunk." This one is almost too easy to do and quite obviously where my true talent lies. I have mastered the slurred word, the glassy-eyed stare and can even wobble better than a penguin when I walk. Everyone confides in me because they assume I'll never remember the conversation when I wake up the next morning. Yeah, I'm crafty like that.
If you were hanging around the Fake-Sleep-Bored-Drunk, these are the snippets of conversations you would have heard around my roost:
"Stop burping so loud! You sound like a seal in heat!"
"My toenails fall out as easily as baby teeth."
"I just got molested by your chinchilla. He had sex with my forearm."
"I'd give my right testicle for a sprinkler system."
"There needs to be a gadget in the car that allows you to poop while you're stuck in heavy traffic. But then you'd need a car bidet to go with it. Okay, so maybe this isn't the best invention..."
"My blister just popped...there's water coming out."
"That's not dinner conversation."
"That ratchet ceiling fan in our bedroom is having another seizure."
"I felt like I was being eye raped by that creepster in the Walmart line."
"I'm living inside myself and I can't get out!"
"No more vodka! I'm allergic to hangovers!"
"Are you watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives?"
"Nope. I'm watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dillholes."
"For my retirement party, I don't want a gold watch--- I want a penis pump!"
"Yeah, our house is unique---it's the only one with the word "Poop" engraved on the windowsill."
"There's a hole in the roof of our junked-out mini van. I put duct tape over it to keep out the rain but it still sounds like I'm driving through a wind tunnel."
"I just had a Kamikaze mosquito on a death mission use my forehead as a landing strip. Now he's in my ear and it sounds like a damn dentist's drill!"
"I have to go to the bathroom so bad---my poop is now deploying into phase #2."
"Sniff my arm pits."
"I don't have any deodorant on. Do I stink?"
"I don't know but I am NOT sticking my nose in there, even if you were sweating chocolate!"
"What the heck is that noise my chinchilla is making in his cage?"
"It sounds like he's using a nail file on the bars to break out."
"If you're so worried about cellulite, go buy some oinkment cream to get rid of it."
"No offense, but the older you get, the more you resemble that blue eagle with the bushy eyebrows on Sesame Street."
"Are you sitting on my pillow?"
"Did you just fart on my pillow?"
"I have to sleep on that tonight!!!!"
I can't make this stuff up, folks. This is how my family rolls! Now go and visit all the other funny bloggers participating in today's Swap!