Friday, May 10, 2013

Stop All The Clocks

   

It's Secret Subject Swap day, hosted by Karen at http://www.Bakinginatornado.com. I was fortunate enough to receive my prompt from the hostess herself! Karen's question for Meno Mama is: "You've been unanimously voted Queen of the Whole World. With one stipulation: Day 2 is for serious business. Day 1 must be spent frivolously. Tell me about Day 1."
     When I received this prompt, my first impulse was to fall back into my usual comfort zone of humor. I considered writing about a fantasy island escape to Never Never Land where Tinkerbell and I would become BFFs. But once I really thought about this prompt, I felt a tug at my heart and knew exactly what I needed to do....dig a little deeper inside myself and out of my comfort zone. I needed to answer the question truthfully.
     If I was Queen of the World, surely I would have super powers in order to control the entire planet. With only one day to do as I please, I'd step into my special time travel machine, stop all the clocks, and go back through the years to bring back my father and my sister. 
     And I would change everything.

Dad, I would have:

     *Stopped whining on that road trip to the Grand Canyon when I was a teenager. Instead of sulking in the back seat of the car, I would have held your hand as we stood in awe of the breathtaking view---sunlight chasing shadows across rippled bands of red and orange stone.

     *Strapped on those skis, taken a chance and trusted you to teach me how to soar down Lone Mountain.


     *Listened more closely to your boyhood escapades while I was busy growing up. I would have made more time for you those evenings when you wanted to talk, rather than rush out the door to be with my high school friends.

     *Said yes to all those offers to spend summers with you at the house in Montana.

     *Majored in Journalism like you advised me and finished that book I promised you I'd write.

     *Found a way to get past my fear of flying and taken that trip to Scotland with you to finish tracing our ancestral roots. 

     *Stuck around longer and enjoyed those quiet moments we shared on a porch in Whitehall, Montana.


     *Taken a deep breath and not been so afraid to live. 

     *Stayed longer at the hospital and brought you recordings of Mahler, Handel and Wagner to bring peace and beauty to you in those last days.

     *Held on tight to your frail hand. And never let go.


Cherie, I would have:

     *Invited you over more often for Sunday morning coffee in my garden. I remember your laughter when the squirrels ate out of our hands, and your radiant joy at seeing all the colorful birds in my yard.

     *Not rushed out the door so quickly those days I cleaned your house. You wanted me to stay and chat.  I knew you were lonely, but I was always too preoccupied with a running list of things I needed to do.

     *Watched you make your infamous cinnamon rolls so that I could bake them now myself and share them with everyone who loved your recipes.

     *Appreciated your encyclopedic knowledge of birds and wildlife so that I wouldn't be stumbling over their names today and wondering about their habits.


     *Never taken for granted that there would be plenty more time for late night drives by the ocean and long conversations on the phone that sometimes lasted until the sun came up.

     *Made more of an effort to include you in my family outings, and I would have invited you over for dinner more often. We always had fun cooking together and sharing childhood memories over a bottle of wine.



     *Watched all those wildlife videos you wanted to share with me. And yes, I would have joined you on Facebook and played that silly game Farmville that you so loved.

     *Made our day last a little longer in the gardens at Butterfly World. I remember how we laced fingers and watched the butterflies land on our hands. And I remember your tears when the hummingbirds circled us. That's when I learned of their powerful, spiritual significance----the ability to laugh and enjoy creation; to appreciate the magic of the moment. How fitting that you found such beauty in their existence.

     *Pushed harder to convince you to see a doctor when you became ill. I should have dragged you out of bed and driven you to the hospital days earlier. And I should have stayed by your side, before it was too late.


     *Never underestimated the strength of a sisterly bond. I would have told you more often how much I loved you. And I would have hugged you a little tighter the last time I saw you.


     As Queen of the World, I would eradicate cancer, eating disorders and all the diseases that plague the world and rob us of the people we love. There is a hole in my heart and in the fabric of my family; their absence, a wound that never heals. The spaces in this world that they have left behind can never be filled, but their love and light live on in my heart and give me the strength to carry on.


"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever : I was wrong."

"The Stars are not wanting now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

-----Excerpt from Funeral Blues by W.H. Auden

   

Please visit the list of bloggers who are participating in today's Swap. Leave them some comment love and let them know they're appreciated.  Thank you.


http://www.BakingInATornado.com                       
http://chewylicious.wordpress.com/                   
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                    
http://followmehome.shellybean.com             

101 comments:

  1. So beautiful. If I had the chance, my day would be like that too. xo

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    1. I knew you would understand. Thanks for being there for me the other night when we shared our stories. <3

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  2. Wow. This is beautiful. I had tears in my eyes reading it, and my mind is racing thinking what can I do differently today for/with the people I love? Thanks Marcia <3

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    1. Thank you so much. I don't usually like to write a serious post--but this one was just begging to be written. Hey, if it gets people to take an extra moment in their day and tell someone they love them, that's great!

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  3. Oh wow girlfriend. How beautiful and touching. (hugs)

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  4. SO beautiful!!!!
    Someone pass me a Kleenex, please.

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    1. Glad you liked it, Stacy. I was taking a chance writing this for a Swap post....

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  5. Ah, if only we could go back and change things! *sniff* Better get to work on that time machine. Beautiful post. XO.

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    1. I'm thinking maybe I can get the smart 17 year old to build it for me....wanna go for a ride?

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  6. Of course Tinkerbell will be your new BFF. And better yet, she will take her Pixie dust and make your dream come true

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    1. That would be awesome. Just one more day....

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  7. Oh Marcia, I have tears streaming down my face. This was so beautifully written and a very eloquent and poignant reminder to never take our loved ones for granted. But I will tell you something, your father and sister knew how much you loved them. I have NO doubt about that!! And those beautiful souls are smiling down on you and the words you have written and shared with all of us. I am sending you a BIG virtual hug and thanking you for such a wonderfully written piece. Love you!!

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    1. I don't want to make people cry...but the words just came out of me--I felt this strong urge to get the words out and here it is. If nothing else, yes, let's not take our family members for granted. Tell them every chance you get that you love them. Thank you of your kind words to me. <3

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  8. Damn you for making me cry on happy Friday! Marcia, that was beautiful! I am so sorry for all the losses you've had during your short life. I hope you find peace and happiness in your own gorgeous garden thinking of your Sister and Father. Much love to you!!

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    1. So sorry--I didn't want you to cry!! But yeah, you bet I'll be in that garden this weekend--it always brings me comfort. Thanks for coming by to share this with me today. XO

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  9. I love you, Marcia. I love this whole post. Tears are streaming down my face for all of your loss and love and a little bit of my own. THank you for the reminder of holding on tightly to what may not be there tomorrow. This was a brave, beautiful post. Just like you.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this, Michele. I know you can relate to a lot of things that I am feeling here. You are beauty and light in this world and your love always brings a smile to my face, Thank you for being such a good friend. XO

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  10. I really enjoy your sense of humor Marcia. You have given me many smiles when I have needed them, it was your humor that brought me back to your blog time and time again.
    But I have to say it is your heart that solidified our friendship for me. It is always a bit sad for me to read these posts from you, and sense the guilt and remorse you carry for the loved ones lost. But that is also what makes it so special. Your honesty with your feelings is so touching. I wish there was something I could do to take those feelings from you and leave you with the purest joy. But I don't think we would feel joy the same way without experiencing some pain as well. It is obvious to me the love you hold for your family, and I am sure that they knew and felt that as well. There will always be things that we wish we could change, things we wish we could go back and "fix", things that we regret... And while we can't actually do that, being so open and honest about it is the only way I know of to come to some sort of self-acceptance with these situations.
    I also can't help but think with as easily as I can relate to the things you say here, that many others who read what you have written here can relate as well. For me a big part of healing is realizing that I'm not alone in how I feel. There are others going through similar struggles, and today they are okay. It let's me know that I can be okay too.
    Thanks for this post Marcia.

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    1. Jon, there is so much beauty and compassion in your words, I am blown away and yet comforted by the things you have written here today. Everything you said is true---especially the fact that with pain comes a deeper joy and appreciation for what we have and the people who love us. Also true--- that writing about it, sharing these feelings and being honest with myself is the best way to finally reach acceptance. I still have a lot of work to do in that area---as you well know, I'm dealing with that anger and sadness frequently. It's hard to let go. And I completely agree with you---it helps to know I am not alone, and that hopefully this post will resonate with others going through something similar. Once again, your words really do bring me a sense of joy, as does your friendship. Thanks for being there and for these beautiful, poignant words of encouragement. XOXO

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  11. In tears... Again. Not only did I live in your emotion, but you evoked mine as well. Beautiful wonderful, amazing tribute to your dad & sister. xoxoxoxoxoox

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    1. I just knew you would feel this post--you have been through so much--I think that's why I always felt a connection with you. Sending hugs right back at you! <3 you XOXO

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  12. I was actually just recently asked if I could spend the day with anyone from the past, who would it be. I answered my grandparents in a heartbeat without even thinking about it. I miss them so much and there is so much more I wish could have had with them and this post truly resonated with me. Beautiful Marcia!! :)

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    1. Isn't that something? I would love to have even one more day--there are just so many rings left unsaid--especially with sister since ever death was swift and unexpected. Unfinished business I guess you could say, and that is why I just had to write this post. Thanks for sharing with me today, Janine.

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  13. Profound and heart wrenching. I lost my father to cancer also and know how horrible that is. Great post!

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    1. Oh Debbie...so sorry to hear that. I pray every day they will find a cure for these horrible diseases so we don't have to lose our loved ones this way. Thanks for coming by and sharing this with me.

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  14. Great post. I would give anything to spend more time with my parents. I don't think I will ever stop missing them although as the years melt by it gets a whole lot easier.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Awww..so sorry to hear of your loss too, Kathy. You're right--it does get a little easier as the years go by but I already know that space can never be filled, and it does leave a bit of a void in our lives. But we carry on the best we can. Thank you for sharing with me today. XO

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  15. I love what you did here. Every time you step further out of that box I am in awe.

    And I forgive you for making me cry.

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    1. Oh, I didn't want to make you cry!!!! But I have to tell you, I was so happy to get your prompt!!! And it was a strange thing--the minute I read it, the words came out of my mouth and the tears fell---I knew I had kept too much bottled up and that I needed to let these emotions out. And it felt good to say it. Thank you for coming up with such an awesome post idea--and truly, I'm glad you liked it, since it is definitely out of my comfort zone. Love you lady! XO

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  16. And this is why I love you so much. You have the ability like all true writers, to make us laugh like Hyenas one minute and cry like there's no tomorrow, the next.

    I thought about the little brother I never got a chance to say goodbye to, whilst reading this and just wanted to go and hug my little man and tell him how much I love him. I thank you so much for sharing such a heartfelt and emotional post. :)

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    1. Thank you of these beautiful words, Lily. I like to keep things funny for the most part but every now and then I've got to let out the hard emotions. I knew you would understand.... XO

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  17. What an absolutely beautiful post - with one of my all time favorite poems to finish it off with.............
    Have a wonderful weekend my friend,
    Hugs,
    Suzan

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    1. Don't you just love Auden?? This poem has always resonated with me. It was also one of my father's and my sister's favorite. It just seemed so fitting to put it here for them.

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  18. Not tears, full on crying. I loved this! The pictures just made it all that better. :)

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    1. Thank you!! I love looking at the old pictures of them--especially the ones of my sister when she was young and so healthy. I am grateful that I have so many pictures, including plenty of videos. I am so glad you came by to read this and that you liked it! XO

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  19. Wow. I don't know what to say except that suddenly today just got more important, and all the silly things I worry about just fell away to make more room in the moment to love and be loved.

    Thank you.

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    1. Your worries are never silly--at least not to me. You have been very kind and I appreciate that you came by to read this. Yes, hold your family a little tighter this weekend and be sure you tell each and every one of them how much you love them. XO

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  20. This is such a beautiful post. Your writing is incredible and your "I would have's" to your father and your sister real and touching and I've got tears running down my face. Hugs. Huge huge huge hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Kristi!!! I 'm glad you liked it but I don't want you to cry. I think it was just something I had to get off my chest and I feel better for having written it. And I am so happy to see you here! XO

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  21. Marcia, I love to read whatever you write, this was so lovely... so much thought put into all the things you would have loved to have done more... <3 Makes me think about some of the things I want to do more of now...

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    1. These are all things I truly regretted. I just wish I had one more day to say what needs to be said... especially to my sister. Hold your family close, Launna, and tell them every day how much you love them.

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  22. Great to meet you here! I'm visiting from Crafty Spices. This was a powerful post. Thanks for helping us think back on loved ones we have lost. Bless you, Amy

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    1. Nice to meet you, Amy! Thanks for stopping by my blog.

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  23. It's so sad we only realize these things when it's too late. It's one of my greatest fears for my children...regrets. You outdid yourself this time Mama. Really beautiful post.

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    1. It's hard to go through life without some regrets--I think everybody wants a do-over at some point. For me, the hardest thing to accept is my sister's death--she was too young and it was totally preventable...but it was sudden and unexpected, and it hurts that I never had a chance to tell her these things. Keep telling your babies how much you love them and you won't have any regrets there. Your comment was beautiful and it means a lot to me. XO

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  24. You know what??? This Post hits home with me in such a very powerful way. My Dad & I had a Bond that will live with me forever. We were so close. He rocked my world and I know that he knew it. I know that I rocked his world. But we were never the "hug & I love you" type. Do overs... Holy smokes, if I could have a do over!!! It has been 21 years since he passed and I miss him dearly. Your story here brings me back to such good memories, but also makes me think, what if...

    The story of your Sister and Hummingbirds hits home with me as well... I love Hummingbirds. Love watching them as they buzz around my feeders. Your Sister sounds like she was very special.

    Awesome Post!!! Have a great weekend Meno Mama... Happy Mother's Day, Slu

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    1. Wow Slu, that's amazing. I am so sorry for for loss, too. You must have been pretty young when your father passed away. I know sometimes guys aren't the hug and I-Love-You types, but I guarantee your father knew how much you loved him just by your actions alone. Yes, my sister was very special---she had a gift when it came to the birds and wildlife in general. I think they recognized her gentle spirit and that's why she had such a way with them. Not a day goes by that I am not thinking of her. It's really hard to move on but I know it's something I have to do. Thank you for coming by and sharing your kind words.

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  25. The way you'd spend day one is anything but "frivolous". Your heartfelt words resonate with all of us, and make us remember the people we've loved and lost, so yeah, we relate to your feelings, and we cry. But hopefully, we'll also be more mindful of expressing love and kindness to the people who are still here with us.

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    1. That's exactly how I had hoped everyone would see this post!

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  26. Just. Wonderful. I have the same longings regarding my mom. And for some reason, I just now realized that I need to stop taking my time with my dad and sister for granted. I've made that change with my husband and kids. Need to go all the way. This was beautiful, and I'm glad you decided to dig deeper. :)

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    1. Your comment here is so wonderful. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. Yes, please show your father and your sister how much you love them--tell them every day!

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  27. Mama, the second time around, your sister knows all of those things you wish you could tell her.

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    1. That's what I hope for every day......

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  28. My kids know how much I love them, there's no question there. I wonder how they'll feel when I'm gone. I'm afraid they'll be regretful and it makes me sad.

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    1. You can't think that way---make the good memories now so that they'll always have that part of you in their hearts.

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  29. So beautifully written, Marcy. You've moved me to tears. <3

    -The Insomniacs Dream

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    1. I had a feeling you might like this, Starr. Grief is no stranger to us. So glad you came by to read it. XO

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  30. Lovely.

    Advice columnists' inboxes worldwide are filled with people's regrets at all the things they didn't do, all the woulda coulda shouldas. When my father died suddenly I was initially sorry that I never got to tell him I loved him; then I realized *he knew that*. Just as I know he loved me. He showed it to me in so many ways, he wasn't big on saying it much anyway. So I don't sweat that I didn't get a chance to say it to him. I know he died knowing that we *all* loved him.

    Yeah, I wish I'd listened to him more! But as they say, youth is wasted on the young...and if we take those parental lessons to heart years later, then they weren't wasted on our dumbass young ears ;)

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    1. Wise words, my friend. I hope they both knew how much I loved them. I just wish I would have spent more time with them--especially my sister, who was terribly lonely. Thank you for stopping by, Nicole.

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  31. Stopping by from the weekly "Pimp-Out/Showcase" Hop and letting you know I am your newest follower! I LOVE the WAY you write....and I am going to call my mom...not just because it's mother's day....and my sister....well ALL the people I love but never seem to take the time to SAY IT.
    Carolyn @ iamthecraftylady.com

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    1. Hi Carolyn!! So happy to have you here----I love new readers! Thank you also for the follow. Yes, please DO tell your family how much you love them as often as you can--embrace all those special moments you have with them!

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  32. This whole post just goes to show what type of a person you are MM. To think of all the things you could have said but you chose to have the clocks turned back to spend more time with your precious loved ones. You really put a knot in my throat reading this. Very sad but also very touching.

    This post is a stark reminder of some of the things that we unknowingly take for granted, not realising just how short life can be, then all of a sudden it's too late. Although we suffer guilt we must always remember that some things are out of our control and are not our fault.

    Your post will encourage many others that today is the day to say 'I love you'. Today is the day to spend that quality time with that special person and today is the day to mend the relationships that needs fixing.

    You are so fortunate to have such a loving, close, family bond right now and sweet tender memories of the ones you loved who have now passed. A wonderful post MM and Happy Mothers Day.

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    1. Your comments are so beautiful, RPD. You get me. You always have. Sending you HUGE hugs today! XOXO

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  33. This post was so beautiful and made me cry, but in a good way! I would love to stop the clocks some days too. Happy Mother's Day!

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    1. Thank you so much, Jen!! I think we all feel that way--just one more day.....

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  34. This is incredible. I love the part about your dad <3

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    1. He was such a special person. My idol, really. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my little tribute to him!

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  36. Very nostalgic ...

    Ps, am sure your Dad will still be happy if you consider flying to Scotland and trace your ancestors...

    I will buy you lunch once you're here...:) and take you to Inverness who knows you might be related to the Lochness monster... ( just kidding..)

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    1. I hope to one day get to Scotland--and it would certainly be fun to meet you! Sure--we could finally prove all the theories that Nessy is real!

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  37. Absolutely beautiful post! I would love to travel back in time and "fix" certain mistakes. I guess now, all we can do is cherish the good memories and keep making many more. :) Have a wonderful week, Marcia!

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    1. That's right--the best thing you can do is keep someone alive in your heart is to embrace the memories you have and to make new ones.

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  38. Eek, I'm bawling over here, eesh. Glad you're only queen for a day or I'd give a fine sequel to Cry Me a River. ;)

    I loved your heartfelt post, even if it did make me blubber like a baby.

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    1. So sorry--didn't want to make you cry--just wanted to get the message across to appreciate your loved ones--never take them for granted because you just never know how much time you have left with them.

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  39. What a beautiful post and once again my heart goes out to you. Love Ya!

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    1. So glad you liked it, Lanthie. I love you too, bunches! XO

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  40. This is absolutely beautiful and heartfelt and bittersweet. That Auden poem is one of my favorites and believe it or not, I just reread it the other day. What a wonderful tribute to your dad and sister. Hugs xxx

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    1. So happy to see you here, Linda. Auden has always been one of my favorites as well since I first discovered his work in school a long, long time ago. Isn't that a strange coincidence that you just read the poem recently??? You must have been picking up my vibe Lol!

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  41. I'm crying. You are SO versatile and I know that I gush to you all of the time about how wonderful you are, but you simply ARE. Thanks for making my day even better and giving all of us a gentle reminder to love and appreciate our loved ones even more.

    On a silly note, I finished my "I Could Kill My..." post last night. I haven't decided if it will go up this week or next, but it's definitely going up. Also--I just realized you have a blog button! Putting that up on my blog RIGHT NOW!

    You're the best. :)

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    1. Okay, am I doing something wrong? Why can't I find the code for your blog button? I'm a bit of a techno-idiot sometimes...but I'm trying, I promise! :)

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    2. I think you are pretty damn awesome too, my friend. Your blog always makes me smile and I find it so relatable. I feel like we have known each other more than just this year! I look forward to reading your trophy post--message me as soon as it's up. I just know it will be hilarious! The badge should work---if not, you could always copy and paste the blog link and just add it to the picture on your site? My son set it up for me so I'm not real good at figuring that stuff out either! Let me know if its still not working and I will have him explain to me how to do it so I can help you Lol!

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    3. I think your suggestion will work well--I can get the pic up and just add the link above it. I will work on that tomorrow, and I'm thinking this will be the week for the trophy post. It's all typed up and ready to go...:)

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  42. Oh girl... Look at all the people you affect! And those are just the ones brave enough to comment! You have a unique ability to be transparent in your writing and I so admire that in you. Thanks for letting us peek into your heart, and showing us where we might want to look into our own. :)

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    1. Awwww....such a sweet thing to say, Traci. Sometimes I fear I am too transparent, which leaves me open to a world of hurt out there. But I wanted to share this with my readers as a reminder to NEVER take for granted the ones we love. Losing someone important and living with regrets is not an easy thing to do. We have to make every moment count.

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  43. This is beautiful! What an amazing post and such a wonderful reminder NOT TO WAIT, because we never know what tomorrow will bring! I would like to travel back in time and fix some mistakes as well. Thank you for this...I've got tears in my eyes.

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    1. If only we were all given that chance to go back--oh, the changes we could make!

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  44. Such a poignant post. So sorry you had to lose 2 very close loved ones way sooner than you should have. Brava for baring your soul!

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    1. Thanks, Tiffany. It was pretty cleansing for me. Thank God for blogging---it saves my sanity!

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  45. What a great post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Lovely pictures and beautiful touching words.

    All the best,

    Vashti

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    1. Thank you for stopping by, Vashti. Glad you liked it.

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  48. I am sitting here trying not to cry. You are amazing! You broke my heart and lifted my spirit at the same time. Thank you for sharing that beauty with us!! I am lucky enough to have my sister still but I miss my mother so much! <3

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    1. So sorry to hear you no longer have your mother with you.

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    1. Than you so much for your kind words--I'm glad you liked this.

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  50. Argh! Damn lady! You just made me cry! This is such a beautifully written post, straight from the heart.

    You made me think, for sure...

    Beautiful pictures too!

    You would be an awesome queen of the world!

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    1. Awwww... thank you so much! What you have said to me here today means so much to me!

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  51. You never cease to amaze me, Marcia. You have such a beautiful flow to your writing. I cried my eyes out, as did so many others, I see, but I am glad I read it. I miss my dad so much, but I am able to rejoice for him because he's finally made it to his destination, heaven. Thanks for expressing such intimate, tender emotions, and sharing with us. It had to be hard to write. Beautiful expression of the love for our family that are no longer with us on earth. God bless you, Marcia, for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much for these kind words, Dawn, I know you are going through this same experience since you recently lost your father. I think about you all the time and hope you are working through your grief. Know that you are loved and that your father would be very proud of you for your recent school graduation. Your hard work and determination paid off! HUGS!

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