My wake-up call hit like a clap of thunder thighs the day I uploaded some pictures taken from our local renaissance festival. Who was that chubster in the blue gown next to Mr. Robin Hood-Wanna-Be? Oh yeah, that's me...wait, WHAT? Okay, I'll admit I've been a little heavy-handed with the desserts lately. And the frappuccinos. Those pesky, two-for-one sales at Wine-Mart haven't been doing me any favors, either. But what am I supposed to do when there's an industrial size jar of Nutella in my pantry, just calling my name? You could spread that stuff on styrofoam and it would still taste good.
Upon closer inspection of my physical flaws in that traitor I call a mirror, I knew I had to get myself back into the svelte clothes growing cobwebs in the back of my closet. I joined an all-female gym, but quickly realized that my workout clothes from the Richard Simmons era were sadly outdated. I needed a new gym wardrobe, but me visiting a sporting goods store for clothes to sweat in is a perfect example of an oxymoron.
And then the unthinkable happened....every chubster's worst nightmare. My brilliant Hubs was across the store in the men's department. He held up an armload of colorful tee shirts and shouted, "Hey Hon, you need a larger size? I found a 2X in the men's department that might fit you!" I should have slapped a muzzle on the man during public outings years ago.
I quickly grabbed a few pairs of yoga pants and some tee shirts with motivational sayings on them such as, "Just Do It" and, "I like to lick cake batter off beaters" (No wait---that was for something else!).
Not willing to suffer alone, I convinced one of my daughters to join the gym with me because misery loves company (and paybacks are hell). We spent our first few, torturous days with a personal trainer to learn how to use the weight equipment. But mostly we learned how not to grunt too loudly like truffle sniffing oinkers or sweating too much like two sumo wrestlers in a sauna.
The day of our first Zumba class, I surveyed the group and was pleased to see a nice mix of ages and body types. Women's shapes are often compared to certain fruits---apples, pears, oranges...and the occasional grapefruit. I was in the midst of a fruit salad ready to learn some sexy Zumba moves. Music with a heavy, Latin beat reverberated against the walls and we began hopping around the wood floor like Mexican Jumping beans. I tried to concentrate on the dance steps but my mind kept wandering....a typical defense mechanism against the extreme pain I was in from my workout with the trainer. My thighs were so sore that I'd been forced to walk around with a full bladder all day just to avoid squatting over a toilet seat. Rather than listening to the Zumba instructor, my mind was swept along with the cluttered debris of A.D.D. ----random thoughts scurrying through my brain like rapid channel surfing through 450 television programs:
OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! Is that what I think it is----camel toe? I need new pants!! Hey, what's the food channel doing on the gym TV? They should be showing infomercials for weight loss supplements or....ohh, Paula Dean is making smothered pork chops with gravy....do I have any pork chops in the freezer? Wait---what fresh hell is this---more squats? Yoo-hoo teacher, I'm dying over here. I'm not gonna Busta Rhymes---- I'm gonna busta femur. Oh great...now I'm sweating so much my makeup is running down my face
. I look like I belong at a KISS concert. Whoa! Paula Dean is baking a chocolate marble cake! Are you kidding me? She needs to get over here and do this freakin' Zumba class! Huh? Cool down time already? You mean we're done? I made it! I didn't die on the Zumba floor!"
Its been a few months now and Meno Mama is getting closer to brushing the cobwebs off her skinny clothes. I'm droppin' it like it's hot in Zumba class without feeling a heart attack coming on. The only thing I need now is new tee shirts from the sausage casing aisle....or maybe just some cupcake batter.....
Ha! Very funny! And I can relate. A recent pic of me made me swear off sweets, carbs (except veggie ones), and other junk. And I now exercise everyday. Since my fiance passed away in March, it's just me motivating me here in the jungle of Akumal, Mexico. And I hate to admit it, since I haven't seen a naked man in awhile...those sumo wrestlers look pretty hot.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your fiancé! On the other hand, you had me laughing on the sumo wrestler comment--that's great!
DeleteOh my Lord MM, The ADD stream of consciousness bit really got me! You should be proud of yourself! Now go buy yourself a sausage casing in hot pink!
ReplyDeleteGlad you got a good laugh out of it! And yeah, I think I owe myself a pink sausage casing shirt!
DeleteHilarious as always! Xx
ReplyDeleteI had way too much fun writing this one!
DeleteOh cupcakes (seriously I haven't had breakfast yet), lol!! But seriously good for you and sounds like you are doing an awesome job of getting back in shape. And by the way, I just saw Ricard Simmons on the 50th anniversary of General Hospital (yes I am a huge soaps fan) and he was hilarious. When saw that picture above and thought about that, I couldn't help but crack up!! Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't that a funny coincidence? Hey, I used to be an All My Children fan, so I get you on the soaps thing! And yeah, cupcakes sound pretty good right about now...
DeleteWe have Zumba where I work, that's a WORKOUT!
ReplyDeleteI come out of there all sweaty--not a pretty sight......
DeleteKuddos to you. Keep up the good work. I can't do Zumba. I am just not that coordinated.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people say that but you'd be surprised how quickly you can pick up the steps if you go on a regular basis...although I have been know to step on a few toes....
DeleteOMG Marcia, I started laughing and didn't stop from when your husband announced there were 2X shirts from across the store... really?? how did you let him live? lmao.
ReplyDeleteOh what a hoot... I am still chuckling.
Congratulations on working on getting shape, I hope to be there myself in a few months :)
I'm tellin' ya, the man needs a muzzle! Are you joining a gym? If they have zumba, DO IT!!!!
DeleteThis was a hoot. I work out at a university gym, and I am constantly reminded of all my faults. But hey, at least we're working on it!
ReplyDeleteIt's those damn mirrors everywhere! If they put drapes over them during class I could live the fantasy and be just fine!
DeleteBig smiles - I especially enjoyed the " bust a femur" line - kudos on getting in shape!
ReplyDeleteI have no clue where that line came from---I think I must have been channeling some rappers or something.....
DeleteAnother FUN read! I enjoy your writing so much....I sure wish I could get in on this Zumba craze....NO WAY that's gonna happen with the back & sciatic nerve issues on top of the TWO messed up ankles....ah..WHY couldn't Zumba have come about back in the day when the hubby & I were taking all those dance classes...cha cha, west coast swing....so much FUN!
ReplyDeleteStopping by from the weekly "Pimp-Out/Showcase" Hop
Carolyn @ iamthecraftylady.com
I hope you will stop by for a visit!
So happy to see you here again, Carolyn! I would LOVE to take dance classes too, but The Hubs has no interest in that. He still has his 80's moves and that's what he is sticking to!
DeleteOh my gawds I am laughing so hard. Great post!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kelly! Glad I could bring a smile to your day--and I love seeing you here! XO
DeleteI'm a good friend, so I'm not picturing you with a camel toe and Kiss makeup. You're welcome.
ReplyDeleteYeah--I was a little worried about planting that image in my reader's heads....if my blog views drop this week I'll know why....
DeleteHahahaha!!! You're a funny girl, never thought of us girls making up a fruit salad! HA Love Zumba though It's my favorite form of exercise!
ReplyDeleteYes! I never get tired of it and actually look forward to going to the classes!
DeleteOMG Marcia...I can totally relate. If it wasn't for the weeks of yoga that I've been doing, there is NO way I could do the Insanity. And the more I exercise now, the more I want cupcakes. WTF? And yesterday, I was excited because I got on a pair of jeans that I hadn't been able to wear in a while. First thing my husband said when he walked in? Oh cool....camel toe. I hate menopause!!
ReplyDeletePenny, I am DYING over here!!! Your husband's comment--TOO FUNNY!!! Yeah, I heard Insanity is one of the toughest workouts available. Kudos to you for doing it and staying in shape!
DeleteWhat, you don't like looking like Richard Simmons at the the gym? At least you didn't accidentally show the world your lacy panties like I did! HA HA!
ReplyDeleteThat's right! But seriously, I almost lost my pants on the floor yesterday. Good thing I stand in the back row.
DeleteMy best friend just got Zumba certified! She lives kind of far away from me, but one of these days I am going to take a weekend, drive out to where she lives and "drop it like it's hot" in her class! As for your husband: I would have slapped him for you! SHEESH! I am so happy that you found something you like, though. Keep us posted!!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mondaysnugget.com/
Oh, you've gotta try it!!! It's the only workout that doesn't bore me to tears. I hate exercising anyway, but dancing is the one thing I love!
DeleteHA HA HA! And by that, I mean YOU GO GIRL! You always make me laugh and feel inspired. :)
ReplyDeleteAwwww...thanks, Crystal! I'm glad I can make you laugh. You make me smile just by being here! XO
DeleteYou're welcome--love your blog hops!
ReplyDeleteHey you... Enjoyed!!! And good for You... We are trying to get started ourselves. That "first step" is always the hardest. But we are close.
ReplyDeleteHave a great weekend, Slu
Oh Slu, if you guys can go to the gym together, that would be perfect! My daughter am dI go every day together, and she keeps me motivated. There are plenty of times when I am too tired but she makes me do it. I have gotten a LOT stronger in my weight training, that's for sure!
DeleteGOOD for you!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am soooo impressed I can't tell ya!
But don't bust a femur - they're pretty important I hear lol
Way to go girl - what an inspiration you are
Big hugs,
Suzan
Thanks, Suzan! Hey, if I can do it, anybody can!
DeleteKeep droppin' it like it's hot, Meno Mama, and have fun doing it!
ReplyDeleteYou betcha!
DeleteNew GFC follower from the blog hop!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.lukerfamilytales.com
Thanks for the follow, Staci!
DeleteHilarious!!! That is like the inside of a runner's head... always darting, yes, even to camel toe!
ReplyDeleteWTG, though! You continue to 'drop that' girl!
Carolyn
http://www.ccmcafeeperspective.com/
It's funny the thoughts that go through our head while we're exercising, isn't it? And hell yeah I plan on dropping it like it's hot for a long time!
DeleteThis one is one of the greats! Laughed the whole way through. Thanks for that. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jon. I had quite a few chuckles while I was writing it---the craziness was flowing freely that day!
DeleteCongrats on you new fitness lifestyle, you will be super in shape by Christmas. It will really shock your hubby when you break out in a tight sexy outfit at the holiday party.
ReplyDeleteOhhh, good point! There are a few other people I hope to surprise as well!
DeleteOMG I am dying. I don't know what's funnier - that your husband yelled across the store asking if you needed a larger size, that the larges in the workout section look like sausage casings or that you were in Zumba and realized camel toe alert. AWESOMELY funny! Oh and I so need to go back to the gym. Nothing fits. Plus, since I haven't been for months, each time I go costs me about $500 which is just dumb. Good luck and awesome job on going to get in shape (also? I am all too familiar with the shock of seeing photos of myself and thinking WTF?).
ReplyDeleteI think the "Body Snatchers" take over after we have kids. Pictures are a great--and painful--wake up call, aren't they? The cool thing about zumba is that it's actually a FUN workout! If you ever get the opportunity, try out a class!
DeleteI don't know why I come here! I laughed so hard, I almost burst a blood vessel. I can't even pick out the funniest parts, because then my comment would be longer than your post.
ReplyDeleteI did Zumba a few times and I couldn't believe that I could be in so much pain and not die.
Brilliantly funny as always. :)
Thanks, Lily! Believe me, when I took the first class I really DID think I was going to have a heart attack on the floor. Now I can actually do the class and still have some energy leftover to face the rest of the day!
DeleteOMG!! That was so funny!!! I can't believe you admitted to a camel toe. I'm so happy you're enjoying your class now. I probably would have a heart attack in there! Love this one.
ReplyDeletexoxo
-Ellen
You know, you don't live too far from me--I think I'm going to have to drag you to a class if you ever come further south to see me Lol!
DeleteYou had me giggling all the way, and would totally be the same story for me!! :)
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Glad you liked it, Roshni!
DeleteFreaking hilarious post...thanks for sharing. This is the reason I don't put pics of myself online...just for this reason. I know I'm out of shape...I don't need a pic of Facebook to show me that.
ReplyDeleteMichael!!! So happy to see you here! As far as Facebook pictures go, you just have to know the perfect angle to take the picture, which does NOT include that moment when you take a big bite of food! And btw, I am STILL laughing over your cockroach post--hilarious!
DeleteI've tried Zumba but when I tried it, it was more like my turning into a Pretzel in trying to do some of the moves lol I love your posts I can totally relate plus urs are so funny also!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Brenda! Yes the instructor does some crazy moves and you really have to be a quick learner to keep up with the class----but it's so much fun if you like to dance--which I love to do!
DeleteHahaha great view on Zumba.
ReplyDeleteI just finished from Zumba class today. Love it ;-)!
Thanks! Happy to hear that you are enjoying zumba as well!
DeleteGood on you, Marcia! Your post made me laugh, and dare I say spit out a cinnamon roll? No worries, it didn't go far, I was still able to eat it....That's how I roll. Zumba sounds like a lot of fun. I'd probably have an embarrassing asthma attack or something, but it still looks like fun. I think where you went very right, was inviting your daughter to come along. Moral support rocks. Your husband, cracks me up. My man would absolutely say something like that in a store. Keep dropping it like it's hot, but never give up the 2 for 1 sales at Wine-Mart! LOL. I needed that laugh, girl. Thank you. <3
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has been awesome throughout this whole experience---she pushes me to work harder with the weights and on the days I complain about being too tired to go, she MAKES ME go! We laugh with and at each other the whole time during zumba class, too. You betcha I'll be dropping it like it's hot because that is the only thing that will allow me to drink on the weekends without having to worry too much about the calories!! Glad I was able to bring a smile to your day, Michele. <3
DeleteHilarious! Love your posts:)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Eimila! So glad you liked it!
DeleteROFL! I hear you with the Sausage Casing sized L shirts! My wake up call was when I bought a Wii for the "grandchildren". I got the Wii Fit package and thought I would use Wii Fit to supplement the gym workouts. When Wii classed my weight as "obese" (at the lower end but still!) I wanted to toss the Wii remote through the TV when I saw that.
ReplyDeleteI now go to the gym and excersise more often now. Still a work in progress.
Handmade at Warratahstree
Hahaha that's pretty funny. Hey, I think we are ALL a work in progress, right?
DeleteAre you talking about the latest Ren Fest photos? I thought you looked awesome! I think your husband deserves some exercise punishment for that comment!
ReplyDeleteI agree--he should be forced to take back to back zumba and yoga classes!
DeleteKudos to you Marcie! I'm in the same land at the moment, getting into shape...or some version there of!lol! Always a fun read!
ReplyDeleteThanks Donna! I like what you said--"getting into shape--or some version..." That's exactly how I feel!
Deleteomg...now i want cupcakes! thanks a lot! ;) oh girl...you nailed it. a friend and I got our picture taken together and she texted it to me. She's thin and looks great, I looked like a freaking oompa loompa with a glandular problem. that was my "aha" moment. the last time i dieted, my aha moment was the of the boys and me on a tire swing. let's just say the swing was not the only tire in the picture. and this is the second richard simmons reference on the hop! (so far...) spooky! okya, i'm fighting the urge to go downstairs and get a brownie. help me meno mama...you're my only hope!
ReplyDeleteOh Linda you have me laughing so hard---I have always loved oopma Loompas. And the tire swing image---gawd that's hilarious. Now, listen to me...resist the brownie...resist the brownie...or least share one with me!!!!
DeleteLOL, I'm glad you're enjoying your Zumba now. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about it once they get going. I've yet to try it though. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's really tough to start off with, but once you get the footwork done, you're well on your way. Best type of exercise I have ever found, because it's fun!
DeleteAn amusing and inspiring post. :) I've been taking it one step at a time as well in losing a bit of weight and also getting fitter. I jog on weekends for now. I was thinking of trying Zumba but Poledance was also interesting. :D
ReplyDeletehttp://theclothesmuse.blogspot.com/
I have heard that pole dancing class IS fun and quite a workout. I like the zumba though because you have more freedom of movement and space. Either way, I think you would prefer these to jogging---they are a lot more fun!
DeleteThis post got me giggling.
ReplyDeleteLast Christmas I discovered the most effective slimming strategy for middle-aged men: try on a onesy and get someone to take a picture. Foolproof! I've been jogging three times per week since.
Hahaha!! Hilarious! Thanks or stopping by, Bryan. I'll take that suggestion into consideration for next year's Christmas card....
Delete1. "like a clap of thunder thighs." FRICKING BRILLIANT.
ReplyDelete2. "Not gonna Busta Ryhmes, I'm gonna busta femur." STOP IT.
3. The tip to zumba is not to focus on your own camel toe and jiggly butt, but to find someone who looks worse than you do and focus on them. It's how I get through and it makes me feel better about myself. You're basically saying "at least I don't look as bad as that person."
And don't worry, someone is looking at you saying the same thing, so it all works out. It's like the circle of life.
4. I wrote two zumba posts that I thought you might like in light of your recent experiences. One of them was featured on Blogher. Enjoy! (or not, whatever. You don't have to read them. I just thought I would share.)
http://lisanewlin.com/2011/09/nine-ridiculous-observations-ive-made-about-zumba-instructors/
http://lisanewlin.com/2011/08/zoom-zoom-zumba/
Oh Lisa, you always crack me up when I read your comments. Gawd I love ya! You betcha I'm gonna read your posts now that I can relate!!!
ReplyDeleteSo funny at least you make it too Zumba, I have no rhythm and can never keep up with those kind of classes. Glad that you have taken the steps to care for your self...as we age (me at least) it seems to keep revisiting us if we do not keep at it! Fun post and keep up the good work!Living F.A.B.ulously on Purpose
ReplyDeleteI had been walking 5 miles a day, 4 days a week for the past 6 years to stay in shape....and it did nothing much for me. I joined a gym and zumba classes--dropped 13 pounds in 2 months--a miracle for me!!! But yes, at our age we NEED to keep up with exercise to stay healthy!!
DeleteYou crack me up! I am in awe of the fact that you go to Zumba. I once went to a Jazzercise class because my regular boot camp was cancelled and I was already there. NEVER AGAIN! I cannot do anything that resembles a dance move. The next time it happened my friends called me as I was on my way in...I turned around and went home. My elliptical was calling.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, you are too funny!! See, I can't imagine doing boot camp workouts--I hear they're really tough! I'd probably collapse after the first session!
DeleteToo funny - putting a muzzle on the hubs! I haven't dared tackle a zumba class. I'm not that brave. And I think cupcake batter sounds delish!
ReplyDeleteYes!! I coud love on the stuff!
DeleteOh, I loved every second of that! First of all, your use of chubster cracked me up, and I wanted to muzzle your husband, too! ;) Then I almost died at the camel-toe part- HA!
ReplyDeleteI am impressed that you went to Zumba. I, in my 30s, have never been, but my 64 year old mother goes all the time. I stand in awe. Good for you! I bet you'll look fantastic at the next Renaissance Festival (God, I love those!) but I bet you looked great at the last one, too!
Hi Stephanie!!!! So happy to see you here! Hey should go to zumba!! It really is a lot of fun. Ours even has a daycare for the young moms to bring their kids! Thanks for the Renaissance festival comment--next year will be much better!
DeleteSounds like fun. Congrats on your zumba class. Stopping by from Thumping Thurs. Blog hop and followed you on a few places.
ReplyDeleteHave a great day :)
It really is a lot of fun! I recommend it to everyone! Thanks for the follow, Susan.
DeleteC'mon Menopausal Mama, get your daughter to get us some footage on her mobile phone of you strutting your stuff in the zumba class or better still, why not do your own bloggercise (bloggers exercise) video so we can all have a go with you. You know it's for a good cause mama :)
ReplyDeleteNow you know how much work you need to do to get those cupcakes off the hips, what are you gonna do when 'cupcakes' come bouncing back into your kitchen again? I know what I'd do, ha ha ha.
Another great and funny post.
I will eat every last one of them!!! And OH HELL NO on the video taping!!!! Let me lose a little more and then we'll talk....
DeleteLove your blog! =)
ReplyDeleteIm a new follower - and I can totally relate to exercising in our "older" years..Im 52.. =)
I love dancing! Mostly country dancing ( 2-step, Swing dancing.. )
but Zumba dancing sounds like so much fun!
I hope to join a class soon!
Have a great weekend!
Melissa
Just dropping by to say "thank you" for linking up on my Bloglovin Blog Hop! I truly appreciate it. Now following you via Bloglovin.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Meg
Happy Kids, Inc
Thanks, Meg! Love your blog hop!
DeleteYa know ya COULD just wear a t-shirt and shorts to the gym!!! You don't need all those silly fancy overpriced "exercise togs" they sell...just something non-restricting...tight shiny Spandex is for the kids, mostly the ones who spend more time getting the right "look" for the gym than they do for a date with Justin Bieber. Whenever I belonged to a gym, I just wore my tent-size shorts and my "All My Men Wear Tights Or They Wear Nothing At All" t-shirt ;)
ReplyDeleteGood for you for making the commitment to get back in shape! (She said, guiltily thinking of the dessert at the Cold Stone Creamery last night after sushi :)
That's WHY I have to go to the gym----I like my desserts and Cold Stones is one of my favorites....dammit, now you got me thinking about ice cream.....
DeleteLast post had me crying and this one has me stifling laughter so as not to wake the man! lol Love this! Congrats on getting fit! I tried to Zumba. Apparently rhythm is a must....who knew?
ReplyDeleteHaha! Yes, you DO have to have some rhythm for this class--it's hard!!!
DeleteVisiting from SITS...So funny! I'm glad you can see the humor in getting fit AND you got your daughter to spend some time with you.
ReplyDeleteI can usually find humor in just about everything! And yes, I love spending time with my daughter!
Deletelove all your posts! Very fun and informative to read. Have a great day : )
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by!
DeleteLaughing through the whole thing! I recently hit bottom when I realized my ass needed a new zip code and elastic waist was my only option. I feel your pain, and the toilet seat comment - spot on!
ReplyDeleteOMG that's hilarious! Hate to admit it but I have some of those elastic waist band jeans in my closet right now!!!
DeleteOh, that sounds torturous! Good for you for keeping up with it. I think I'd have slunk out the first day and thawed those chops. (I came from the Hump Day Hook Up.)
ReplyDeleteHaha! I was tempted to, believe me!
DeleteThank you for writing this and hooking up for Hump Day last week. That is actually exactly what goes on inside my head during Zumba classes. The jiggles and sweat....Good Lord, how much I'd rather just be on the couch watching a video flexing my butt cheeks or something. Good for you for doing something about the way you feel. I'm still in the complaining about what a fatty I am stage. :)
ReplyDeleteEven though I exercise, I think I will always be in the complaining- about- what-a- fatty- I- am stage. But I like the idea of flexing the butt cheeks while I watch TV....
DeleteI almost went to zumba once.... I walked past the venue... that counts right?
ReplyDeleteThanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up
Hahaha..that's like saying you ate chocolate in the closet--if no one saw you, the calories don't count!
DeletePost was great!
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it!
Delete