Friday, June 14, 2013

10 Things I Will Never Do Again On Summer Break

   

My folks were always avid travelers in search of new adventures. Once the last school bell rang in June heralding the beginning of summer break, our suitcases were packed and loaded into the station wagon. When I was young, these vacations involved long road trips that led to some "interesting" experiences which I am convinced is why I need anti-anxiety medications today. These special adventures into hell included spider-infested trails through a citrus grove; sleeping on a freezing mountain top in a tar paper shack with no heat, bathroom or running water; vomiting over the side of a boat (wouldn't that be considered as homemade chum?) during a fishing trip on rough water, and sleeping by myself in the backseat of a rental car when my siblings tricked me into believing there were nuclear reactor size scorpions under my cabin bed in Zion National Park.
     Once I entered adulthood, I swore that I'd never subject myself (or my children) to these summer break horrors. But history has a way of repeating itself, so I've compiled a reminder list of 10 things I will NOT be doing this summer.


1.  Get on an airplane. Most flights from my hometown circle out over the Bermuda Triangle first. I don't want to end up on a sequel of Lost or have my picture plastered on the side of a milk carton.

2.  Fall asleep on the beach only to wake up hours later looking like the main entree at a Red Lobster restaurant.

3.  Wear all white to an outdoor barbecue party. Juicy ribs + rum runners = hot mess disaster.

4.  Get into a canoe with my daughters who are just as clueless on the water as I am. Pocahontas we are not, and I already know this tender, white meat would make great alligator bait.

5.  After a camping trip, attempt to neatly fold a double air mattress back into its original box. Fuggedaboutit. Ball that sucker up and toss it into the back of the closet.

6.  Visit a Jurassic Park exhibit with life like dinosaurs roaming the grounds. I don't want to be mistaken for a pork chop or a pu pu platter for two.

7.  Go to an outdoor Judy Collins concert just because the tickets are free. Shock therapy would be
more entertaining.

8.  Vacation at a southern resort where the mosquitoes are the size of vultures with a vampire's appetite for blood.

9.  Participate in a sea cow rodeo. That's just wrong on so many levels.


10.  Zip line over a wide canyon, especially if the cord has been recycled from an old clothes line or used dental floss.


     The next time you get extra tickets to see Neil Diamond in concert at the amphitheater or feel like riding the waves on a bucking sea cow, don't bother calling me. I'll be asleep on the beach next to a bowl of melted butter. Lobster, anyone?








107 comments:

  1. I love this post. I think it's kind of cool that your family liked to go on so many vacations. My parents didn't like to do anything! I've always loved adventures, although I don't want to be freezing on a mountain. Modern adventures would be more my cup of tea.

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    1. You should have been born into my family then! And I'll bet you know how to manage a canoe!

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  2. #10 would make me have a heart attack and die. #9 is hilarious- never knew there was such a thing! I think you've set the boundaries for this summer quite well!

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    1. I'm supposed to go zip lining on my trip in a few weeks--but it's like a zip line for babies---only about 15 feet in the air Lol!

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  3. Funny. I know what you mean about the zip line. I came into this world due to broken rubber and don't plan to go out the same way. ;)

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. OMG Joyce that is HYSTERICAL! You should write a blog post on this very topic alone!

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    2. Brilliant. I agree with MM, blog THAT and send me the link please.

      Thanks for linking up to my BlogLovin Hop (http://www.journeysofthezoo.com/search/label/BlogLovin%20Hop). I appreciate the support.

      Besos, Sarah
      Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo

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    3. I always love linking up to your hop--it's great!

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  4. Such fun! Can you supply details???
    Hmm . . . did my parents know your parents? I'm almost sure we had the same 'adventures'! I can add one more: Eat at sketchy-looking restaurants while on said vacations. That just never comes out right.

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    1. Eeeww--- I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! We made some pit stops and my dad would say, "Well, how about we grab some lunch while we're here.." and even as a kid I knew some of those places would have failed a health inspection test!!

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  5. I"m with you. My idea of a vacation is a chair and book. Wherever I can find it. If just for a few minutes. Even in my own damn house.

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    1. That's when you have to announce that you are taking a long hot bath, lock the door and put in ear plugs so you don't have to listen to the phone or the screaming on the other side of the door while you're reading!

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  6. Is a sea cow rodeo a real thing? And is it exactly what it sounds like? Yowza!

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    1. Hahaha you'd have to come to Florida to find out!

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  7. Soooo... You're planning on tenting in your living room this summer? LOL I'm scared of those Florida alligators! I would be inside hiding! :)

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    1. At least the tent would be in air conditioning....and I'd have an actual toilet!

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  8. blog hope newbie here, now following you. Have a great weekend! :)

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    1. Thanks for the follow, Gwen, and enjoy the blog hopping!

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  9. Oh I love lobster and save some for me!! But seriously, do I remember some of the crazy trips we took and would so rather forget, too!! :)

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    1. I think I'm emotionally scarred from that mountain top shack....

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  10. Love the List...

    Chuckled at #'s 3, 5, 7, & 8...

    #5: You know I've got to get that bag back in that box!!! ha...

    Have a great weekend, Slu

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    1. I think all wives bitch at their husbands to find a way to fit it back in the box. Unfortunately, I have 4 air mattresses--and they are all in big, plastic balls on the floor of the my office closet. My husband gave up.....

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  11. Sea Cow Rodeo? You made that up. No such thing. Now Stingray Rodeo, that would be fun. Are you in?

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  13. Maybe a "Stay-cation" would be what you ordered...LOL....I love your list of what not to do....My family was the type that "never" went anywhere...We had a lot of "staycations" before there was even such a word. At least now, we have there is a word for staying at home :) You make me laugh...Thanks so much.

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    1. Thank you Diane for stopping by--glad I could bring a little laughter to your day!

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  14. I'm so with you on the water thing. You won't get me onto a boat for all the money in the world! XOXO

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    1. That's because you and I are both such sweet white meat Lol!

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  15. This post is timely. I just returned from a week-long vacation! Back in the day (pre-empty nestedness), we scheduled every spare moment of our vacation to keep the boys happy + occupied. Now, it's nice to lazily relax on vacay! :) T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

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    1. That's what I want to do!!! Be lazy and not have to schedule anything. Maybe I can come with you guys next time?

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  16. My kids will probably put up a post like this some day if they decide to blog, lol!!!

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    1. Uh-oh--you're THAT kind of parent too, huh??

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  17. Sadly I live with #8 day in and day out. They grow them skeeters BIG here in North Cackalacky, and the "palmetto bugs", aka roaches, are as big as Chihuahuas.

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    1. I hear ya, sista! I live down south and our cockroaches are also "palmetto" bugs--the cadillacs of the species. I've become phobic now at the site of them!

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  19. Hahahahah! Great post!!! I certainly don't have any of these things on my list for the summer.

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  20. ROFLOL!!! Maybe it's good that we don't do vacations. We tend to get into enough trouble at home! LOL

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  21. Okay, I laughed even before reading because of your picture at the top. My hubs has been making me watch National Lampoon's Vacation over and over and over again this week! Wally World, HERE WE COME!!

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    1. I LOVE these movies!!! They always remind me of my family!!!

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  22. I just got home from Wally World.

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  23. I must be tired. The idea of a manatee rodeo sounds strangely intriguing to me about now. (I LOVE those critters!)

    Another fun (and funny) post. Happy weekend.

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    1. That's so funny! Sure you wouldn't rather zip line over a canyon?

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  25. Hahaha Marcia... my father was always taking us on said interesting trips when I was growing up... ahhhh... yeah... not so much..

    I laughed out loud at these, especially the one about falling asleep in the dun and waking up as the lobster entree and Zip lining over a canyon on dental floss... lol

    I am going zip lining in a couple of weeks... they better have some hefty rope or I am not getting on... lol

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    1. I'm also going zip lining this summer over July 4th weekend. And yeah, you might want to test that rope to make sure it's sturdy....

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    2. Can I have a parachute when I zip line... hahaha

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    3. Hey, there's a thought! I just might ask for one for myself!

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  26. Judy who?? lol Love the fuggadabowtit ...Jersey here :) who would rather throw away the double air mattress than bother to fold it... Honeyyyyyyyy :)
    Love this, love you.... Loved the morning laugh :)

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    1. I love you too, Jersey Girl, and you made my day just by being here! XOXO

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  27. omg I am loling.....this is so funny and soooo true! Many of these are on my DO NOT DO list also!

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    1. Yes, you would be wise to avoid them this year. Jen, send me your blog URL so I can come visit you!!!!

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  28. I love this. Very funny. An older Mummy blogger, just like me and just what I've been looking for :)

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    1. I am so happy to meet you! Yay for the older bloggers! I am definitely coming over to check out your site!

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  30. Replies
    1. I seriously gave up on folding those suckers

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  31. I have always wanted to zip line and I might make that trip through the Bermuda triangle if there were any chance I'd meet Sawyer...Kudos to you on trying to fold that mattress. I can't even refold a map or bed sheets! I can however, make the mightiest strawberry margarita in the world. One day, girl. We may run into each other one day and you'll know me simply from the margarita glass I'll have chained to my neck :) Love ya!

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    1. And you will know me by the tequila flask around my neck! I say it's time we meet up!

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    2. Folding bed sheets? Isn't that what they pillow cases are for? To stuff the sheets into?? Yikes. Who knew you were supposed to fold those things.....:D

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  32. very funny tips indeed..
    http://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com

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  33. Lost my comment!!!
    I can remember those childhood trips - and you forgot about the cheap floating beds that would take you down the river and risk you never seeing your family again ( good or bad thing - jury's still out on that one )
    You know the ones that should be tossed in the cupboard with the air mattresses LOL
    Great post!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Thanks, Suzann---and yes, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Of course when we were kids we would try all sorts of stupid things....

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  34. Girl, you are so funny. I have never done 2,3,6 or 7. I hope you had sunscreen on when you fell asleep.

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    1. This time I think I'll be sleeping in a cabana!

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  35. So funny! Did we all have the same childhood? I would like to add never go to a bat filled cavern ~ what were my parents thinking? Although it did have a nice gift shop!

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    1. Oh I forgot about that one!!! We went to several caverns when I was a kid. But I happen to like bats so it didn't bother me---as long as they didn't poop on me!

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  36. So far I can't get my son out of his room, much less the house because he's too busy playing video games with his friend! Our big outings this summer will be the movies 2x to see Monsters Academy and Despicable Me 2, and a doctor's appt.

    Yup. That's it.

    Hey, I happen to like Neil Diamond and I'm not even 50 yet!

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    1. Oh, the exciting life you lead. I think you need some zip line therapy with me!

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  37. I was always jealous of my friends that go to go on adventures during summer vacation. My dad was either away on TDY with the military, or both of my parents were working opposite swing shifts so they never got time off at the same time. And if the station wagon WAS packed, it meant the military was transferring us again, and that was it's own special nightmare.

    Great post and thank you for linking up with the Humor Me! Blog Hop! :)

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    1. I have only moved a few times in my life---which would explain why I have stayed in the same place now for 27 years!

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  38. I absolutely love everything about this list. ;) I found you because we both co-hosted the GFC blog hop! I'm your newest follower!
    Have a great day!
    -Les
    leslyni.blogspot.com

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    1. Hi Les!!! Thanks for stopping by and glad you liked my list!

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  39. Just found your blog!
    Now following!
    Looking forward to keeping up and getting to know you. :)

    I also have a blog design site. If you ever need a custom blog design, check it out. Christinaloranedesigns.blogspot.com

    xo
    Christina
    pieceitalltogetherx3.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Christina for the follow--I'll be sure to check out your site!

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  40. Funny post Meno Pink Lady- if it weren't for the damn pink heart following my cursor around shitting on me everywhere.

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    1. BWAHAHA I live to drive everyone crazy!!!

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  41. a trip every summer would be great! loving your blog
    Delightful Ideas
    Bag Giveaway

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    1. Yes, at least there is that! Thanks for stopping by, Lala!

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  42. I took a break from packing just to read your blog today!! I am headed to watch buffalo roam with my cranky Hubs (who will bitch about gas prices the ENTIRE time) and my teen who will wonder when we will get there, if the hotel has wi-fi and if there is a mall close by.

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    1. I hope you pack libations in the cooler or a case of good quality chocolate....

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  43. #4 is calling to me today. My teenage daughter and her friends are out on the lake - I made her promise to wear a life jacket. I have queezy feelings about kids, boats, and water. YIKES! (new to your blog)

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    1. Hello, Becky! I agree--kids, boats and water are a scary mix! Thanks for stopping by!

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  44. You sure did get me thinking about my next holiday. Oh my days, I wouldn't venture out on the Bermuda Triangle thing. Vacate at home instead MM.
    I enjoy lobster, so bathe away, ha ha ha
    Naa, white clothing at a juicy BBQ is no fun if you want to eat and have a good time. But this is where we prove if the washing up powder really works :)
    Never get into a canoe outside of your local area. The word 'disaster' comes to mind and some waters have bigger fish than you have!
    All this zipping around on dodgy lines is too much for me, and health and safety in certain countries are not the same as my own. So, forget it.

    As usual MM, a great post.

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    1. So RPD, what do you say we get together and chat over a nice lobster dinner (we will wear all black instead of white) near the water and watch all the fools paddle around in their canoes? I'm game if you are!

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  45. Never zip line - at a nudist resort.

    Never go to an outdoor Judy Collins concert - unless Neil Diamond makes an appearance, and they sing Metallica together.

    And never wear all white to a barbecue - at a nudist resort that offers zip lining.

    Love your posts every time!

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    1. Oh you got me on this one, Eli! Yes, I want to hear Judy Collins and Neil Diamond sing Metallica! That would rock my summer! Give me a few shots of tequila and I'll give that zip lining thing at a nudist resort a chance....as long as cameras are banned from the premises....

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  46. Nope. Wouldn't want to do any of those either. And I love a gal who isn't giving "Summer Vacation Tips". Let's just call it like it is. We've all been there. For me, it was the getting there that was more work than the actual trip, when I was a kid. The word "trauma" comes to mind. I too say "never again" when it comes to my kid. Alas, we've already had a few traumas, and she's only two!

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    1. Ha! I would never even BEGIN to try to give anyone summer tips. Everything I plan turns out like somebody's weird nightmare. This year on vacation I am going to sit back with a nice, chilled cocktail and watch the world go by.

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  47. I agree with Rachel! I like the opposite spin - here's what NOT to do.

    It's funny that you had such traumatic childhood vacations. We went to Disney World every year when I was a kid, and I've vowed not to do that to my children. There's more to see in the world! Alas, it seems that we just react to our own childhoods, doesn't it? And our children will swing back the other way, perhaps, when they have their own.

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    1. See? We are HUGE Disney Fanatics--I have been taking my 4 kids for years now. Even though they are all adults, they still get excited when I say, "We're Goin' To Disney!!!"

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  48. ROTLFMAO! I'll never forget my first canoe trip...it would be several years before I'd take another one, in somewhat safer Ohio :) I was a kid, and we were at Alexander Springs...my dad wanted to take a canoe up the waterway there and I joined him but I was seriously sensitive to the fact that alligators and manatees were about. Dad *said* there were no alligators but I knew damn well that where there is water in Florida, there are alligators...check your toilet bowl before you sit down :) I also knew that manatees themselves weren't a threat, but I was scared we'd bump into one & be dumped in the water for the Alligator Buffet :) I spent most of the trip hunched in a ball at the front, staring resolutely at the floor and not daring to look up because if I saw an alligator, I was gonna freak...

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    1. That is EXACTLY what I am talking about!! It was horrible in the canoe--there were even signs posted by the water saying, "BEWARE OF ALLIGATORS!" WTF? I just wanted to get the hell out of that canoe. NEVER AGAIN!

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  49. Hello dear! Found your blog through the hop and I'm following you via gfc and bloglovin. Hope some time you'll stop by and return the love!
    xoxo
    Coco et La vie en rose
    Coco et La vie en rose on Bloglovin
    Coco et La vie en rose on Facebook

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    1. Thanks, Coco! I'll be sure to check out your site!

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  50. I love your posts! We went on some lovely family vacations too. Just followed you on Bloglovin! Why on earth didn't I do that sooner?!!

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    1. Hey. I'm guilty, too! I thought we were already following each other that way...OK well now we are for sure!

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  51. Stopping by from Friend Connect Blog Hop.
    Cohost @JLenniDorner

    Ha ha! Awesome.

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  52. Oh my! Those are all things that sound like a nightmare to me! One question: Why on EARTH would the makers of these air beds think they fit back in the box? Although I would totally watch you on the sequel to Lost! lol

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    1. Hahaha! I woud probably be the first person killed off on Lost...I hate bugs and I hate to sweat!

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  53. You're too much :)
    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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