Once I entered adulthood, I swore that I'd never subject myself (or my children) to these summer break horrors. But history has a way of repeating itself, so I've compiled a reminder list of 10 things I will NOT be doing this summer.
2. Fall asleep on the beach only to wake up hours later looking like the main entree at a Red Lobster restaurant.
3. Wear all white to an outdoor barbecue party. Juicy ribs + rum runners = hot mess disaster.
4. Get into a canoe with my daughters who are just as clueless on the water as I am. Pocahontas we are not, and I already know this tender, white meat would make great alligator bait.
5. After a camping trip, attempt to neatly fold a double air mattress back into its original box. Fuggedaboutit. Ball that sucker up and toss it into the back of the closet.
6. Visit a Jurassic Park exhibit with life like dinosaurs roaming the grounds. I don't want to be mistaken for a pork chop or a pu pu platter for two.
7. Go to an outdoor Judy Collins concert just because the tickets are free. Shock therapy would be
8. Vacation at a southern resort where the mosquitoes are the size of vultures with a vampire's appetite for blood.
9. Participate in a sea cow rodeo. That's just wrong on so many levels.
10. Zip line over a wide canyon, especially if the cord has been recycled from an old clothes line or used dental floss.
The next time you get extra tickets to see Neil Diamond in concert at the amphitheater or feel like riding the waves on a bucking sea cow, don't bother calling me. I'll be asleep on the beach next to a bowl of melted butter. Lobster, anyone?