"I'm pretty sure these are rogue fat cells attacking my butt. It has nothing to do with the grilled cheese sandwiches I ate."
"They should invent a dual-ended deodorant stick. One side for your armpits and the other for your butt."
"Mom, where's the antibacterial cream?"
"You mean the Neosporin?"
"No, the generic one you bought since we can't afford the real stuff. POOR-sporin."
"Your bedroom stinks! It smells like a cow died in here."
"I didn't know my socks could moo."
"Oh, look at those cute raccoons in our backyard. I want one for a pet!"
"Honey, that's the wine talking...HONEY!! STOP CHASING THE RACCOONS!!!"
"It was so hot outside while I was mowing that I don't even feel my feet anymore. They melted. All I have left are stubs."
"They need to include auto poop tubes in cars so you can suck out the toxic waste while you're stuck in traffic. It's the wave of the future."
"Obviously your wagon lost a wheel and you've derailed in the middle of a desert."
"He thinks I'm sitting around all day popping prozac like candy and watching Dr. Phil in my pajamas."
"No, old underwear does NOT make good Chinese lanterns."
"Leave your mother alone. She's cracked out on Nutella and coffee."
"Mom, my sunburn is finally peeling. There's bits of skin coming off my neck."
"It's called leprosy."
"When chunks of flesh fall off your body."
"Wait, what? No, I don't have that....do I?"
"I'll bet you were one of the cool kids who sat at the back of the bus during school field trips."
"I've been to the back of the bus. All you do is smell urine. It's not a glamorous thing."
"I can't help you right now. I'm getting attacked by a wolverine."
"Good. I hope it chews you up into little pieces of fish bait. "
"Where's Mom? I haven't seen her all day."
"She's playing mole in the hole in her office."
"Honey, there's either a tumor or a very large poop ball stuck to the rabbit's tail."
"Well, don't expect me to help you figure out which one it is."
"Stop trimming the hedges into bunny shapes and penises. Edward Scissor
Hands you are NOT!"
"You need to go to your weird place if you want to write like that."
Folks, do you see what I'm talking about? These people fly the freak flag with pride. Where are those dudes in the little white coats to take this family away to the funny farm? Oh holy crap, is that a fly swatter? Oh no, she didn't, she wouldn't..." SPLAT!
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