Please welcome the lovely and hilarious Amy Sherman to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!
FB personality quizzes. Love them? Hate them? Have a life and never heard of them?
They are total bunk, yet I read the designated answer that applies to me so intensely you would think I just spent an hour with my shrink and was getting actual feedback. (Like that ever happens.)
When some of these ridiculous quizzes pop up in my feed, I berate myself for participating, while anticipating how accurate each one will be. Because, honestly? I love to read about me. I love to simplify me. I. Love. Me. And isn’t that what all these quizzes are all about?
I have no idea who programs the algorithms that lead to the selected Disney Princess (Jasmine), my mental age (12), or Which World Cup Player Should I Hook Up With, but the questions are as fascinating as the answers. And I have to make choices. Sometimes hard ones. Like choosing between red wine, white wine, sangria, gin & tonic, or a margarita, for a First Date preference. I drink Tito’s and vodka isn’t even on the list! I worry how each click will affect my final result. It’s unnerving.
BTW, I have to book a flying carpet to Poland or Germany because I got World Cup player, Lukas Podolski. (Never heard of him.) I hope he likes mentally-underaged-girls, in middle-aged bodies, that believe they are some type of animated Princess.
Fuck it. I’ll probably just hook up with the whole damn team. I mean, if I’m going to all that trouble, I may as well make it worth my while. My 12-year-old mind assures me I’ll be fine, and my 59-year-old body knows the score, so I’m jumping onto my hand-loomed rug and heading to Europe. Maybe I’ll get a yellow card. At least I hope something gets fouled.
When I return, I will be taking my own quiz, personally developed to help everyone better understand themselves. Feel free to pass it around. That’s what quizzes and STD’s are for. You’re welcome.
“Which STD are you?”
Which is you favorite color?
Syphilis: You are often mistaken for someone else. You can be rash in judging others. If you neglect yourself for too long, you may not be able to recover. Don’t get sore, get help. You’re considered pretty old-fashioned and penicillin is your best friend. You are actually more benign than you think and should be grateful to be recognized early and often.
HPV: You are not unique in any way. You are quite social, but sometimes wish you were more discerning. You love meeting friends for a little shopping and Chardonnay. Your main philosophy in life is, “Who cares? I just wanna have fun.” And you did. And here you are, wishing you had been born after a good stiff shot (in the arm, not down your throat) could have made a difference.
Herpes: You are quick to share. You are generally calm, but occasionally your temper flares up and you express yourself with blistering diatribes. Regardless, you remain an incurable romantic. (Incurable being the operative word.) Don’t be the butt of everyone’s jokes, just be happy to spread the wealth.
HIV: You like to fly under the radar, have anal tendencies, and prefer to lie dormant until you absolutely must reveal yourself. Some people are afraid of you, while others think they are not even within your reach. Don’t let that stop you from becoming close with others. Just choose your friends carefully and try to have a bigger impact on your sworn enemies. They kind of have it coming.
Amy Hartl Sherman is a writer, poet, cartoonist and humorist. She is a graduate of the University of Illinois with a B.S. in Communications, an improv comedian, and a retired flight attendant. Amy currently resides in Glen Ellyn, Illinois with her husband, a parakeet missing one toe, a Chihuahua, and a parakeet-toe-chomping Dachshund. Her sons escaped unharmed. You can read her blog Witfaced here: http://www.witfaced.com