Friday, September 26, 2014

Six Good Things About Raising Teenage Boys

I have four children, three of whom are adults and have (thankfully) flown the coop. I thought I had this whole, raising-teenagers-in-a-stress-free-zone thing down. Even patted myself on the back for getting them off to college without an arrest record or a shotgun wedding. And then came wild child number four, who could easily have been a poster child for birth control. This boy is the reason behind the industrial-size bucket of hair dye I use monthly to cover my gray and why I am a gold card carrying member of the local Wine-Mart. A typical morning with this kid involves matches, an aerosol can of cologne spray, and a plastic milk jug to set off the fire alarm … long before my coffee has kicked in.
Despite the gray hairs and minor heart attacks I suffer daily from my son, I've discovered the positive side to raising crazy-ass teenage boys:
  1. You'll no longer need to waste money on expensive theme parks with fast rides. Your teen will gladly attach your rolling office chair to his bike with a rope and pull his buddies down a busy highway. Like heart-stopping rides? This one's for you.

  2. Piss yellow will become your favorite bathroom tile shade because there isn't enough Clorox in the world to make those urine stains around the toilet disappear.
      
  3. Like exotic pets? Great, because small critters love to nest in the sour-smelling pile of laundry at the back of your son's closet. Dirty dishes and half eaten cheese sticks will also invite armies of cockroaches set up their vacation homes under his bed.

  4. If you failed science in high school, don't worry. You're going to get a hands-on education about fire, electricity, and how much damage a potato bomb can do to your neighbor's fence.

  5. You'll lose those last, stubborn ten pounds because all boys are born with noses like bloodhounds. They'll sniff out every hidden cookie, potato chip, and even the chocolates from Mother's Day that you tried to disguise in an empty Summer’s Eve douche box. Your grocery bill will triple during his teen years but your waistline will shrink. Just be sure to lock the liquor cabinet before he turns fifteen.

  6. Miss those nights of club hopping from your twenties? Relive your youth when your teenager hosts raves in his room while blasting techno and dubstep from subwoofers the size of refrigerators. Toss back some tequila shots chased by a few aspirin and you'll feel like you've time traveled back to the good ol' days at a fraternity house party.

Even though there will be days when you'll wish you could lobotomize your son or trade him in for a house-trained Labrador, just remember how much fun it'll be when he has sons of his own. Grab a lighter and load up the potato gun. Karma has a sense of humor, after all. 



WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I was featured on the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop where I discussed various ways on how to annoy your children. You can read it here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/09/24/annoy-children/  I was also up at Humor Outcasts with a quiz on aging. Find out if you pass the test here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/over-the-hill-and-away-we-go


***This post originally appeared in 2013 at In The Powder Room***



79 comments:

  1. Baaahahaha, so this is what I have to brace myself for?

    Please educate me: what is a potato bomb? Can a Mom disarm it? How?

    Here's a tip on where to hide your chocolate (has worked well for me): the veggies drawer in the fridge.

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    1. Thanks for the tip---I'm going to try that next time!

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  2. Haha...not sure I could have survived raising boys... girls are tough enough but I don't think I could have dealt with all the wildness... oh wait, even girls are like that sometime... lol

    Motherhood is challenging and leaves us frustrated at times... but there is joy to be had and enjoyed, especially when our children grow up and have their own children... that is when you see all the realizations in their eyes.

    (When my oldest was driving me crazy as a teenager, I called my mom and apologized for putting her through a hard time... I think we all get to that point when we go through tough times with our children... my mom was gracious.. )... I adore your funny outlook on it.. you might as well laugh and enjoy the ride... ;)

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    1. Isn't that the truth!? Now if you'll excuse me--I need to call my mother and tell her how much I appreciate her, hahahahaha!

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  3. OMG I HAVE 4 kids..3 who have flown the coop and one teenage boy left at home as well! He's 16 and his bathroom smells like a gerbil cage. It doesn't matter how long I scrub it...it smells funky.

    And he actually works at the amusement park, so free admission! That saved us a fortune. haha.

    If nothing else, I can honestly say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. And this is hilarious..as always!

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    1. Thanks, Michelle! LOVE your gerbil comment---that's hilarious!

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  4. Wow.. boys are a whole different experience. We are strictly girls in this house, which has it own sweet grouping of teenage issues:) Love them all!

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    1. It sure does---I have 2 girls as well and a whole post about them too, which I will share on my blog one day, hahahaha!

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  5. This is great! I have three boys. Not quite teens yet. Now I know what to look forward to although the one about the pee is already going on here...LOL

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    1. Ahhhhhh….it only gets worse but you learn to laugh it off over time….through gritted teeth, LOL!

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  6. I had my boy first and then my girl, and although I love them both dearly the boy was much easier than the girl. The things you mention are nothing compared to the endless drama of hurt feelings and emotional U-turns one gets with teenage girls.

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    1. I hear ya-----I have 2 girls as well---very familiar with the tears and drama. I wrote a post about that too, which I will share with you in the near future. I think you're gonna love it!

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  7. Ha! So glad to see you posting funnies again! I have missed you while you were stashed away writing your memoirs (or something like that...hehehe) This is hilarious! I only have one teenage son. And he is pretty tame. It's the girls coming up in the wings that are trippin' me out.... I don't think there is enough liquor to make it through....

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    1. The drama is enough to make your hair fall out. Keep plenty of tequila on hand…..

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  8. Good to know Marcia! I'm in the teen years with Max, and Miles still has a few years to go, (thank gawd!) but man, oh man, do I know the urine tile drill. You are so right about the Clorox - I give up!

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    1. Hahahahaha! You have my sympathy. You'll probably have to do what we did--gut the bathroom and rebuild it. Only way to get rid of the urine stains and smell…..

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  9. Your post dreaded me of boys...teenage ones especially. Mine is a 11 yrs old and almost in pre-teens...I can see teenage down the line pretty soon.. My girl is after the boy but feeding him and dressing him was and is a cake walk for me even today. No one can satisfy my 5 yr old...can't imagine how the teens will be like. :) You cracked me up with your office chair tied to the bike,....was LOL imagining how it would look

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    1. It was CRAZY----wish I had taken a picture. Seriously---I saw a brief flash of them and kind of went into shock before I could yell at them to stop. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your little boy does not become ANYTHING like mine. Otherwise…..you might want to start buying gallons of hair dye to cover the grays he's going to give you. :)

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    2. ROFL....I can already see that...my forehead started graying and I am only 35 now :)

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  10. A delightful post! We also raised a son (now thirty-four) and there's as much truth as humor in your words.

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    1. Awwww…thanks, Stephen. And by the way, you look waaaay too young to have a 34 yr. old. You must be doing something right! :)

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  11. Well, even though I am far from even being a mother yet, nevertheless, I can't help enjoying your posts. May be these would come handy when I have kids of my own.
    I wish my mum could read this. She would appreciate it even though we are just two daughters. My sister was the good girl in the family and I am the kind who tends to go berserk.

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    1. In my opinion, you sound like the FUN sister! Please tell your mother I would love for her to stop by and say hello---she might like it here!

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  12. Thank you! It's so nice to know what I have to look forward to!! :P

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    1. LOL Roshni! You are a very good and patient mother, so I think you'll be prepared for this teen battle better than I was….

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  13. I raise my beer and live vicariously through great moms like you who had to put up with sons like me!

    Damn, the things I put my mom through.....

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    1. But look how awesome you turned out, right?

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  14. Haha, nice to know when my kids are teens!

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  15. So, so true and so, so funny! I love raising boys but they're just so GROSS sometimes! And I cannot find a good hiding place for my junk food anywhere - although, maybe my underwear drawer? I don't think they would touch that with a ten foot pole!

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    1. That is actually a great idea! Hide it way in the back to make it even more difficult!

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  16. You ended up with energetic, funny, wild boys? Now how did that happen? Hmmmmmmm

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  17. To date I have only raised teenage girls and that was enough! My son is ten, the girls are already calling, I can't even think about the toilet in his bathroom, and I just got a preview of what life has in store for me.

    Did you say I could buy hair color in barrels?

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    1. Yep----and you might want to buy equal amounts in wine, as well…...

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  18. Oh my goodness this post cracked me up

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  19. Not far from this myself. I think my youngest may be a doozy (he already is at age 7).

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    1. Oh boy…..better go get some hair dye..;..

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  20. Ah yes teen-aged boys where do I start. First, I have 3 older brothers and 1 younger brother. The only female besides my mom who was either busy cooking and cleaning to notice all my Shirley Temple and Ragedy Ann dolls had beards and mustaches. Did you know Barbies boobs could be hacked off with steak knives? I couldn't get a date EVER! Did I mention they are all between 6 ft and 6'6" and they are 6, 9 and 11 years older than me. I don't complain about the little one they wanted another girl s o bad they named Leslie Carroll...enough said poor fellow. Then I had one son (he was a good kid but had ADHD...yeah and. My mother and I each had one daughter and say boys are way easier! But should be tased at least once a month.

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    1. They chopped off the barbie boobs??? Ack! Hey--I agree with the taser comment. I just need to find one now…..

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    2. Yeah I would have loved to have one back in the 70's!

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  21. There had to be one out of 4. I really can't imagine 4 boys, that is a lot of masculinity! You are formidable, that is all I can say, I am in awe!

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    1. Wait---no---I have 4 kids and only 2 are boys…THANK GOD!!! I probably would not be here today blogging if I had FOUR boys!!! *There are several boys in these photos who are friends of my sons but I basically have adopted them anyway, ha-ha!

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  22. Snort!!! The thirteenth Boy Scout Law'"A Scout is hungry."

    Survived two (sort of).

    Keep them active and sane...and lots of prayers to keep them safe.

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  23. Yes, a lot of this sounds quite familiar. I'm still traumatized over last week's "incident", haven't yet been able to write about how my son and his friends lit my new car on fire.

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    1. WHAAAAAAA? Nooooo, please say it isn't so!

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  24. LOL! I have sons and totally relate. Daughters-only mothers miss out on a lot!

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    1. They sure do! I'm glad I have two of each to experience both sides of the spectrum.

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  25. THANK YOU for reminding me that one day he may have his own children. My father laughing at my pain w/my teenager fueled me through some years, I kept seeing how happy my misery made my dad and thought, "Maybe some day I will be able to laugh at my son's pain w/his teenagers." I just kept telling myself that, but somehow I've forgotten through the storm of friends over, garbage inside and out, that SMELL from his room (What IS THAT??) and all the dishes, towels and various items lost forever either trapped in his room, or left outside, or at a friend's or whatever.
    I used to think teenagers were awesome, until about 3 years ago. I have TPTSD: Teen Post-Traumatic Sensory Disorder.
    As soon as I even SEE a teenager, I start breathing out of my MOUTH, not my nose. I just KNOW they are going to reek of either cologne, or armpits, or dirty laundry or something foul. I can't even make polite conversation anymore. No more "How are you marks in school?" I just RUN in the other direction.

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    1. I'll be running there right beside you , my friend!

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  26. This is a riot! Loved reading it and tweeted!!!

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    1. That's wonderful, Ellen! Thank you so much---glad you liked it!

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  27. I have a fairly calm (albeit moody) teenage daughter, but I have a friend with boys like your son! Gotta love em! Too funny!

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    1. He certainly provides plenty of fodder for my blog!

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  28. Oh please please please tell me that it's true that you hid the chocolates in a douche box. Please? And, as the mom to a 5yo (but um old 46), I don't know if I will survive his teenage years. I think um, maybe I'm doomed? This was a funny FUNNY post.. :)

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    1. it's true----you wouldn't believe some of the other paces I've had to hide chocolate….

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  29. This is hilarious! Every single word of it! :) My mother in law raised 6 boys, a step ladder of chaos! The stories she tells are incredible and that she survived is incredible on its own.

    I have to say that my son was/is easier than my daughter. I will take roaches in his room any day over her girl drama! AY! Like you, I cannot wait until they have kids of their own. :)

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  30. Here's the thing: There was probably WAY worse going on that you never found out about, because teenage boys are better liars than teenage girls. At least my brother was a liar and I wasn't back in the day. Now I look back on my adolescence & really I should have lied more...If nothing else, Mom & I would have gotten along better :)

    I don't think I could have lived with the cockroach condos if I still lived in Florida and had teenage boys. Here in Toronto they're weeny-ass little things, but in Orlando you could ride them like horses. Reason #3 why I'm glad I no longer live in Florida anymore (Reasons #1 and #2 are Killer-Ass Hurricanes and Republicans, respectively :)

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    1. You always crack me up, Nicole. Cockroaches---"ride them like horses"---BRILLIANT!

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  31. I've been through this with my only son (now 24) and I can fully identify with most points on your list, particular the piss-yellow flooring in the bathroom - not to mention a different shade of yellow around his bed!

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  32. Thank you for reminding me of how much I don't want to have any more kids. Wonder if they would let me get a hysterectomy at 30? Some of these actually describe habits of my sister .... hhmmm. I hope she has boys just like yours ; )

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    1. Paybacks are hell, that's for sure. I had my last little hellion at 35. I'm too old now for this S#@$

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  33. Hi Marsha! Well, it's a year later...how are the mornings going? Or is your littlest darling away at college? My oldest was my son, and although he could usually make the toilet okay, I always say my gray hair came compliments of him. Oy! It will be a revelation to see him with a son of his own. So far he has one girl...I'll be patient. It'll be worth it!
    Blessings,
    Ceil

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    1. He still has one more year before college…and it can't come soon enough, LOL!

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  34. I have a friend who swears that the teen stage is the most fun to parent, plus I work primarily with teens and college age students. Teens are awesome!

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    1. I do enjoy the teen years for sure…..but out of my four, the youngest is the one giving me a run for my money….

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  35. Thanks on your marvelous posting! I really enjoyed reading it, you might be a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will often come back sometime soon. I want to encourage you continue your great writin

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  36. I have one boy....and I am feeling the grocery bill!!! But the three girls - God Lord...any advice there? We are just entering puberty with the first one and please - I need the loud bass Daft Punk booming from his room to get me through her week. AAAUUUGGGHHHH! Wouldn't trade any of them for the world!

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    1. Ohhhh yes, teen girls are a totally different story…..I have a post about that as well….

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