This talented writer is a contributing author featured in the upcoming book, Motherhood: May Cause Drowsiness. Please welcome Jennifer to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love and social media shares. Thanks every one!
I saw the commercials. I had it all planned out in my head. We would buy a cute little potty. We would buy exciting training pants. We would use M&M’s. We would jump up and down like idiots and in two days flat my child would be diaper free. Right? Wrong!
Do not let those commercials fool you. Potty training is not for the weak and it’s certainly not for the naïve. I thought I was going to be in control. I thought I would remain calm. I thought a lot of things until I realized that the only one in control of this was my two year old child. The moment I realized I had gotten myself into a situation being controlled by a TWO YEAR OLD I was looking for the rip cord. May Day, May Day: I’m in over my head trying to get a completely unreasonable two year old child to pee and poop on the potty instead of in their pants or on the floor. My desperate calls for help were met with laughter, well wishes and tips to stock up on wine.
I’ve always said parenthood is not for the weak but potty training is only for people who enjoy playing out their nightmares in real life. I mean I don’t want to scare you and I will say I don’t know anyone personally who graduated high school sporting a diaper so I have to assume at some point it clicks for everyone but out of all the things I have had to tackle thus far as a mom this was the worst.
It started out innocently enough. I had my son sit on the potty every thirty minutes. While he would sit there I would read him books about using the big boy potty and no more diapers for you and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP POOPING IN A DIAPER. (okay I may have made that one up). It was going pretty well and in about a week my son was doing really well peeing on the potty. Poop, ugh poop was a whole other story. He wasn’t pooping in the potty. He wasn’t pooping in his diaper. The kid just wasn’t pooping. I swear it was his way of telling me he was driving this train no matter what I had thought up until that point.
I was afraid to leave the house. I had a child who had not pooped in two whole days and leaving the house with him was like leaving the house with a ticking time bomb. I found myself sniffing his butt in public more often than ever before. Every time I smelled anything somewhat questionable I assumed the worst had happened. No matter what I tried to bribe my son with if he would just poop on that damn potty it was a no go.
I was pregnant with our second son and my exhaustion was at an all-time high. I was determined to have my son out of diapers before the new baby arrived. It was the end of another unsuccessful day. I kissed him goodnight and asked him if he wanted a diaper because at that point I just wanted the kid to poop. “No thanks mommy. I fine.”
That night I went to check on him before I went to bed and there it was. I was smacked in the face with a smell that I could only compare to a garbage truck in August. I assumed he had pooped in his sleep. I slowly walked up to his bed and stuck my nose to his hiney and took a big whiff. I can tell you something with 100% certainty, before I had children if someone had told me I would one day stick my nose to another human’s ass without hesitation I would have laughed and laughed and then told them they were both crazy and disgusting, but I digress. As I stuck my nose down and took a big whiff I was met with the clean smell of baby powder. WHAT THE WHAT?! I was confused. Okay if there wasn’t poop in his pants where was there poop? And so began the panic. As my son slept ever so soundly I grabbed a flashlight and got my big pregnant self down on all fours and I started to search for shit, in my kid’s room. It was then that I briefly thought to myself what in the wide world of crap has happened to my life but then I pushed on and continued my search. Have you ever lost something and right before you are about to find it you get this amazing feeling that you are in fact about to find it? Well I had that feeling only it wasn’t amazing it was more cringe worthy than amazing. I inched my way towards my son’s dresser and I shined the flashlight under it and there they were. 1. 2. 3. Poop balls! Awesome. There are balls of poop on the floor In. My. House. I ran out of the room to catch some fresh air and barged into the bathroom where my husband was showering unaware of my treasure hunt. “HONEY!!!!” “Holy crap what? You scared me half to death.” “There are balls of poop on our son’s floor. Yes you heard me correctly our son must have pooped and then chucked said poop with his hands (oh god this is getting worse) under neath his dresser in order to hide them from me.” “Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha.” “IT’S NOT FUNNY!!!” “Oh yes it is! This is hilarious. You are telling me that right now there are balls of poop in our son’s room and he is just sleeping as if all is right in the world?” “Yes that is what I am saying.” And then we both started laughing. I laughed so hard I’m surprised I didn’t go into labor.
When we finally stopped laughing I looked at my husband and told him he was going to have to retrieve the balls of poop because there was no way that I was going to get them. He willingly agreed. I had the carpet cleaned the next day and can happily tell you my son pooped on the potty two days later. Potty training does not go as planned. I don’t know a single person who says that potty training was exactly like the commercials and if they do they are lying. Everyone has a story; luckily not everyone’s story contains poop balls. Happy training my friends. Godspeed.
Before having children Jennifer thought being a stay at home mom would be a walk in the park. Now that she's doing it she realizes it's more like a run in a zoo (without cages for the animals). She traded in her salary for sloppy kisses, corporate lunches for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sales meetings for finger painting sessions. Her two boys outsmart her on a daily basis although in her defense it could be the lack of sleep. She writes to stay sane on her blog Outsmarted Mommy and has been featured on Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, LeftyPop and iVillage Australia. She is also a contributor for Felicity Huffman’s What The Flicka? Her children are not the least bit impressed they just want to know what's for dinner. You can follow Jennifer on Facebook, Twitter and Google +