Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writer Guest Post By: Outsmarted Mommy

  Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday Writers! My hilarious guest today is Jennifer Lizza of Outsmarted Mommy. She writes an entertaining family blog that features funny slices of life along with some thought-provoking posts that I've enjoyed reading. Jennifer has two young boys and a husband who provide plenty of material for her blog. The stories she shares remind me of why I am so thankful to have grown children. Today's post is a perfect example---POTTY TRAING! Ohhhh how I loathed that phase of my children's life! Jennifer's experience is hysterical….because…..POOP BALLS. It just doesn't get any funnier than that.
     This talented writer is a contributing author featured in the upcoming book, Motherhood: May Cause Drowsiness. Please welcome Jennifer to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love and social media shares. Thanks every one!





Cloudy With a Chance of Poop Balls




I saw the commercials. I had it all planned out in my head. We would buy a cute little potty. We would buy exciting training pants. We would use M&M’s. We would jump up and down like idiots and in two days flat my child would be diaper free. Right? Wrong!

Do not let those commercials fool you. Potty training is not for the weak and it’s certainly not for the na├»ve. I thought I was going to be in control. I thought I would remain calm. I thought a lot of things until I realized that the only one in control of this was my two year old child. The moment I realized I had gotten myself into a situation being controlled by a TWO YEAR OLD I was looking for the rip cord. May Day, May Day: I’m in over my head trying to get a completely unreasonable two year old child to pee and poop on the potty instead of in their pants or on the floor. My desperate calls for help were met with laughter, well wishes and tips to stock up on wine.

I’ve always said parenthood is not for the weak but potty training is only for people who enjoy playing out their nightmares in real life. I mean I don’t want to scare you and I will say I don’t know anyone personally who graduated high school sporting a diaper so I have to assume at some point it clicks for everyone but out of all the things I have had to tackle thus far as a mom this was the worst.

It started out innocently enough. I had my son sit on the potty every thirty minutes. While he would sit there I would read him books about using the big boy potty and no more diapers for you and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP POOPING IN A DIAPER. (okay I may have made that one up). It was going pretty well and in about a week my son was doing really well peeing on the potty. Poop, ugh poop was a whole other story. He wasn’t pooping in the potty. He wasn’t pooping in his diaper. The kid just wasn’t pooping. I swear it was his way of telling me he was driving this train no matter what I had thought up until that point.

I was afraid to leave the house. I had a child who had not pooped in two whole days and leaving the house with him was like leaving the house with a ticking time bomb. I found myself sniffing his butt in public more often than ever before. Every time I smelled anything somewhat questionable I assumed the worst had happened. No matter what I tried to bribe my son with if he would just poop on that damn potty it was a no go.

I was pregnant with our second son and my exhaustion was at an all-time high. I was determined to have my son out of diapers before the new baby arrived. It was the end of another unsuccessful day. I kissed him goodnight and asked him if he wanted a diaper because at that point I just wanted the kid to poop. “No thanks mommy. I fine.”

That night I went to check on him before I went to bed and there it was. I was smacked in the face with a smell that I could only compare to a garbage truck in August. I assumed he had pooped in his sleep. I slowly walked up to his bed and stuck my nose to his hiney and took a big whiff. I can tell you something with 100% certainty, before I had children if someone had told me I would one day stick my nose to another human’s ass without hesitation I would have laughed and laughed and then told them they were both crazy and disgusting, but I digress. As I stuck my nose down and took a big whiff I was met with the clean smell of baby powder. WHAT THE WHAT?! I was confused. Okay if there wasn’t poop in his pants where was there poop? And so began the panic. As my son slept ever so soundly I grabbed a flashlight and got my big pregnant self down on all fours and I started to search for shit, in my kid’s room. It was then that I briefly thought to myself what in the wide world of crap has happened to my life but then I pushed on and continued my search. Have you ever lost something and right before you are about to find it you get this amazing feeling that you are in fact about to find it? Well I had that feeling only it wasn’t amazing it was more cringe worthy than amazing. I inched my way towards my son’s dresser and I shined the flashlight under it and there they were. 1. 2. 3. Poop balls! Awesome. There are balls of poop on the floor In. My. House. I ran out of the room to catch some fresh air and barged into the bathroom where my husband was showering unaware of my treasure hunt. “HONEY!!!!” “Holy crap what? You scared me half to death.” “There are balls of poop on our son’s floor. Yes you heard me correctly our son must have pooped and then chucked said poop with his hands (oh god this is getting worse) under neath his dresser in order to hide them from me.” “Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha.” “IT’S NOT FUNNY!!!” “Oh yes it is! This is hilarious. You are telling me that right now there are balls of poop in our son’s room and he is just sleeping as if all is right in the world?” “Yes that is what I am saying.” And then we both started laughing. I laughed so hard I’m surprised I didn’t go into labor.


When we finally stopped laughing I looked at my husband and told him he was going to have to retrieve the balls of poop because there was no way that I was going to get them. He willingly agreed. I had the carpet cleaned the next day and can happily tell you my son pooped on the potty two days later. Potty training does not go as planned. I don’t know a single person who says that potty training was exactly like the commercials and if they do they are lying. Everyone has a story; luckily not everyone’s story contains poop balls. Happy training my friends. Godspeed.



BIO:

Before having children Jennifer thought being a stay at home mom would be a walk in the park. Now that she's doing it she realizes it's more like a run in a zoo (without cages for the animals). She traded in her salary for sloppy kisses, corporate lunches for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sales meetings for finger painting sessions. Her two boys outsmart her on a daily basis although in her defense it could be the lack of sleep. She writes to stay sane on her blog Outsmarted Mommy and has been featured on Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, LeftyPop and iVillage Australia. She is also a contributor for Felicity Huffman’s What The Flicka? Her children are not the least bit impressed they just want to know what's for dinner. You can follow Jennifer on Facebook, Twitter and Google +

22 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for having me today! I have to say I'm glad to be through the potty training stage at this point but writing this brought back some memories and by memories I mean nightmares. ;)

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  2. What a terrific story. And really funny, too, especially since it was happening to somebody else and not to me...!

    A few years ago, we went to our older son's house to spend Christmas with him and his family. Our daughter-in-law ran to the store to pick up a present for our son, and left the four kiddos with my husband and me. Before she left, she warned me that Aaron hadn't had a bowel movement in several days. Swell, right? You know what happened, dontcha? You're right. I'm not sure, but I think he must have been waiting for his mom to leave and saving the fun just for me, because not two minutes after she left, he filled his diaper with three days worth of poop. I'm talking a LOT of poop. And that child eats a LOT of fruit. Talk about a mess! Since our youngest has been out of diapers for at least thirty-five years, it had been quite a while since I'd had to deal with a poopy mess. A poopy poopy poopy mess. The more I tried to clean him up, the poopier he got. I ended up throwing his clothes into the washer, and putting him in the bathtub. My daughter-in-law? She thought it was freaking hysterical. It's hard to believe I still love that girl...

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  3. I was lazy with potty training with both my boys. I just didn't do it. I figured they wouldn't be crapping their pants as adults...I had my boys 11 years apart though, so I didn't have to worry about two kids in diapers.

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    1. For awhile there I had three in diapers….not fun….

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  4. Fun story. When it came to potty training, I got so tired with people trying to calm us down by saying, "Don't worry about it; how many adults do you know who aren't potty trained?"

    It really didn't help.

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    1. I know, right? I remember so many people saying the same dumb stuff to me when my kids were young.

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  5. This is hilarious! My daughter went through her Picasso period while I was potty-training her. She would wipe it on the floor, the walls the doors. The funniest part of THAT story is that she is now pregnant.....with twins bwhahaha! I can't wait!

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    1. Yikes! "Picasso period"--GREAT way to describe it!

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  6. Oh my gosh, I have some really hilarious stories... more with my oldest than youngest, my oldest told me all the time that when she got to be little again, she was going to wear diapers... I was well... thank goodness you are not going to be little again... lol... She was 3 before she was trained... my youngest trained fairly easy... I don't miss those days :) This was so funny, I would have laughed too and then had someone else clean it up too :)

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    1. A few weeks ago while we were training our granddaughter, she was running around without underwear on, then a panicked when she felt like she had to poop. All of the sudden, she just squatted on the floor and let one drop with a big PLOP. I couldnt stop laughing!!!

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  7. Your story made me smile. I recall those days, almost two decades ago. My daughter seemed to grasp the idea quickly, but my son seemed to enjoy lying in his sh*t. Maybe it's a gender thing!

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    1. I swear it is----I have 2 girls and 2 boys. The girls trained MUCH faster and easier!!!

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  8. Good lord.....I am ROFL.....shared it with a co-worker of mine who has to potty train her toddler son pretty soon :P. Luckily, I do not have any potty training stories as I out sourced both my kids to my parents in India (right at the potty training stage)...hehehe

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  9. When it comes time to potty train my daughter, I am tempted to send her to my mom's "Potty Training Bootcamp." My mother swears she had all three of us potty-trained in 7 days.

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