Friday, January 16, 2015

Goin' South

     Why didn't someone warn me that once I hit the middle age years, my skin would lose its elasticity faster than a stretched-out rubber band? Wrinkles, I understand…but sagging? I didn't see that one coming.

     Despite the hours I spend at the gym to tone and firm what God gave me, the skin on my body still looks like an accordion. I'm pretty sure that if every crease was stretched out flat, I'd have enough skin to cover two people. There's even excess flesh on my back . If I could pull it up over my head, I'd have a skin hoodie for all those cold winter nights.

     I had to stop wearing tank tops years ago too, and not because my boobs look like they belong on a reality TV show called, "Gourds Gone South."  I chucked all my sleeveless shirts because they revealed the extra skin flaps under my arms, and I didn't want to be mistaken for a flying squirrel.

     The same goes for slinky dresses and tight jeans.  No amount of sit-ups or stomach crunches can erase the effects of birthing four children by c-section coupled with years of yo-yo dieting.  I doubt that I'll ever regain enough muscle tone in my waistline to wear a bathing suit in public again. I'm cursed with a deflated inner tube that's stuck around my middle like a droopy doughnut (minus the chocolate sprinkles). Sadly, the only part of my body that hasn't lost muscle tone is my uterus. That particular organ is about as tough as overcooked calamari.

    I need to combat these sagging parts one area at a time. Lately I've been Googling Brazilian butt lifts because I think a little booty enhancement would do wonders for my bottom, which is heading south at an alarming rate. If my fanny drops any lower, I'll be dusting the floors with it….and I'll be the first person to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records as a Human Swifter Butt.

     Spanx was invented for this very reason----to give the false impression that both my tummy and derriere are firm. Unfortunately, the tight fabric just pushes things further south until my thighs are rubbing together like mating seals. At this point in my life, I consider it pure luck that I haven't received a free, lifetime membership to Sea World.

     I've also noticed that my earlobes are beginning to hang a bit lower. It won't be long before all my dangly earrings are resting on my shoulder blades. But on the bright side, if my earlobes continue to droop, they can serve as wind flaps while I'm driving down the road. At least the grand kids won't have to worry about grandma running any red lights.

     The good news about my sagging skin? By the time I'm a senior citizen, I'll be able to tug on the drawstring of my skin hoodie to look twenty years younger.

      Or maybe just swim year 'round in the warm pools at Sea World.



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62 comments:

  1. Haha... someone told me I needed to work on my arm muscles, I told them I do bit that won't get rid of the excess skin... lol

    That can only be removed and unfortunately I'm not wealthy enough to do this... so I'll just wear sleeves to cover them ♡

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    1. I doubt mine will ever go back to being slim and taught. Long sleeves for me, too!

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  2. HILARIOUS! Some of your best writing yet! Priceless metaphors. I don't think I'll be able to get that skin hoodie out of my head in the weeks to come!

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    1. I have NO CLUE where my brain went with that one. Even Hubs looked at me like I was nuts when I mentioned it, haha! Thanks for stopping by, Parri! <3

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  3. If ya can't laugh, ya got nothin'! Crying is not an option! Love these.

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  4. You are so freaking funny Marcia! I will be seeing a skin hoodie in my head for the rest of the day...even after I leave the bathroom mirror!

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    1. Trust me----it has been stuck in my head for weeks now, ha-ha.

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  5. This is too funny... seems I have a lot to look forward to, unless all those creams I'm slathering on everyday actually work :/

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    1. Keep using 'em. You never know what might work….

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  6. Although this was extremely funny, it is also sad and I hear these woes all the time from potential clients. I think I will use this post for 'advertising' because believe or not, the arm wings and other sagging areas can be corrected with certain food supplements. If you are already working out in the gym, even works better to retain muscle mass. However, that certainly isn't as funny as the word pictures you painted - love the skin hoodie.

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    1. I'm trying, believe me….but right now it feels like an uphill battle with these bat wings and I miss my tank tops!!!

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    2. Sorry, but I don't think I was clear. There IS help. You can PM me if you are interested. :)

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  7. Don't take offense, but I'd say from the picture you post, you're still hot!

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    1. And this is why I love you, Joeh! Thanks!

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  8. Marcia, as always, I feel you crept inside my life! I can always count on your posts to bring it, just as it is. I have found myself trading 'cap sleeves' for 'three quarter sleeves' to hide those old lady arm wings, over and over! It's so awesome to know I'm not alone in this aging crap. Going back to college, I am subjected to little twenty-somethings all the time. Nice to feel like I'm not the only one wondering 'what the hell?!'. Keep up the great work!

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    1. Thank you so much for all your support, Dawn. You are the best. And hey sista, right there with you next time you go shopping for shirts with three quarter sleeves!!

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  9. My Mom and I call the saggy arms "bat wings." And I agree about the dresses. I remember seeing Helen Mirren (who looks pretty terrific) say how hard it is to find dresses with sleeves... just some sleeves, please!

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    1. I know, right? I like the sheer sleeves best because it covers up the bat wings, but the fabric is light enough that I'm not sweating through my hot flashes like a beast.

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  10. Bwahahahaha! Gourds Gone South! I'm still laughing . . .

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    1. Best description I could think of when I go braless at night, LOL!!!

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  11. This one hits too close to home. I'm laughing and crying at the same time,

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    1. Pretty much how I feel every day. But those rum cakes sure don't help my saggy situation….

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  12. Lady, you are hilarious. I had to tell my mom to stop telling me all the things that were happening to her body as she's getting older. Now if she could deliver the news like this, maybe it would be a little easier to take.

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    1. Thank you! I used to cringe too, whenever my mom described personal body issues that she was having. But since my own family is very descriptive about their bodily functions, I've kinda gotten used to it….

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  13. If that's a picture of your behind, you might have too much iron in your diet.

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    1. Ohhhh that's a good one, Stephen. Very clever and made me snicker tonight. Thank you! :)

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  14. I've asked my son to invent a full body, invisible spanx garment. Am I asking too much? Why does everything have to sag? Very funny!

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    1. If he invents one, Please call me. I'll be his second customer---right after you! :)

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  15. Is it weird that this makes me a little sad because as I type, I'm trying to flex my neck to be less droopy? HAHAH though!!! I noticed only recently my earlobes. Totally unfair, I tell ya!!! Love you sweet funny lady!!!

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    1. I actually bought one of those neck things that you fit under you chin and do "chin lifts" to keep it from sagging. Problem was, after I did 100 rounds or so, I had to stop and take a margarita break.

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  16. Ha, ha ha mama. Welcome to the world of saggers, the truth always hurts ha ha ha. Old age is tough if don't fully prepare for it. I think children should have a class called 'future oldies' where they have to wear lots of heavy excess fake skin on them for a day or two with a couple of carrier bags under their eyes, to help them cope with what will happen to them in the future.

    I think you should trademark the name 'skin hoodies' too. And why not make good use of all our excess parts, if you know what I mean. I wonder what I could do with that waist skin that's been hanging down for years.... What a perky bottom in that photo and it's a shame ours can't stay that way :)
    Happy New Year mate,

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    1. So happy to see you here, RPD. We really need to catch up! And yes, I really DO wish I had a bottom as perky as the one in the photo. Those days are long gone

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  17. Lol! Here's to the saggy and the crepey!

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  18. Someone should invent a skin shrinking lotion. I'd buy it!

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    1. I agree, and I'll be first in line to buy it!

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  19. Yeah I don't do sleeveless tops or dresses any more, and have worn shorts under my dresses and skirts for many years as I have fat thighs always have had even when I was half the size I am now. As for spandex been there tried that don't like it, it makes it hard to pee and I often have to pee a lot

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    1. I hear you----if I wear Spanx or a super tight girdle, I'm struggling to pull it down to pee and struggling even harder to slip it back on!

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  20. Marcia, oh my goodness you make me laugh out loud!!! And I can soooo relate. Where did my back flab come from, and my arm flab.....

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    1. I swear, it's like we wake up one morning and it suddenly appears! I'm convinced my double chin showed up after one night of binge eating cupcakes!!

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  21. So this is what we have to look forward to? Enough excess skin to be a human Stretch Armstrong?
    I'm going on a diet!

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    1. "Human Stretch Armstrong"----BWAHAHAHA!!!! Love it, Phil!

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  22. Ouch...yes, it does all go a bit south. But what's inside...that keeps heading in the right direction!

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  23. Oh man, Marcia I need to have half as much humor as you as I do get older! Thanks for making me smile this morning with this ;)

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    1. Glad I could bring a smile to your day. Thanks, Janine!

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  24. That's one kind of experience! :)
    Hey, congrats on your book. :)

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  25. Seriously! I see the skin starting to move on my skinny arms and it makes me laugh...'cept it's not funny!!!!

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    1. Isn't it crazy how the skin just starts sliding south like an avalanche?

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  26. ROFLMAO--skin hoodie? You are nuts woman and I <3 you for it!

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    1. I have no clue where my brain wonders when I think up this stuff….

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  27. You've described aging perfectly - so funny. I think I'll have to just adopt the attitude of the Red Hat Society. If I can't stop it, I'm just gonna where purple with a red hat and call it a day.

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    1. Call me when you go to their next gathering---I'm going with you--red hat and all!

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  28. Sweetie, it happens to us all. It's aging..just try to embrace it as best you can and remember how smart and experienced and I-don't-give-a-f**k you are now. Try to remember how supremely neurotic you were when you were younger and, if society is to believed (and I don't think it is), "more beautiful." Don't try to tell me you *weren't* supremely neurotic, because it comes with the territory of being a young beautiful 20-year-old. You do look back and wonder just *why* youth is wasted on the young. Oh, the trouble I could get into *now* if I could somehow transplant my middle-aged brain into my youngdumbandfullofcome self now :)

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    1. I actually think about that a lot. When I remember how young and socially awkward I was, I just cringe. And it REALLY bothers me that I wasted sooooo much time worrying about what others thought of me. I've learned the hard way not to give a rat's ass about what others think and to focus on what makes ME happy. I think I deserve at least that much after all the years I've been walking on this earth!

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  29. Yes, aging is that thing where we develop good 'ole Southern charm. ;)

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    1. And some Southern Comfort would be nice, too….

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  30. SKIN. HOODIE. I'm dying. This was fabulous. Yes, when WILL they make a whole-body Spanx? Something that starts around the neck and ends close to the saggy knees.. Someone get on that..

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    1. If you find one let me know----I'll be the first in line to buy it!

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