Friday, September 11, 2015

The Seven Dwarfs Of Menopause


     I'm far from being Snow White when it comes to the "change of life", especially now that the seven dwarfs of menopause have moved in. More often than not, I resemble the wicked queen with my rapid mood swings. "Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the meanest of them all?" Even these dwarfs know better than to hang around when I'm having a lousy day. If I had a poison apple in my hand right now, I'd throw it at them.

     Who are the little buggers I'm talking about? These seven, miserable dwarfs:

   
GRUMPY:  Overnight I've been transformed into a grumpy old person, which makes me hard to please on any given day. The sun is too bright, the kids are too loud, and my fiber pills are not working. Unless you're going to surprise me with a juicy burger and a chocolate milkshake, then leave me alone.

SWEATY:  Ceiling fans on warp speed and an A/C unit set at 65 degrees is STILL not enough to stop the sweating. My pores have become a sprinkler system spewing sweat that runs down my face and pools at the base of my neck like the Great Lakes. My damp clothing is a second skin that I can't remove fast enough. Where the hell is the shut-off valve?


BLOATY: I have a stomach that feels like it has been inflated with helium. Put a string in my nose and watch me float across the sky like the Goodyear Blimp.

SLEEPY: I'm always sleepy because I can't sleep when I need to be sleeping. Insomnia has stolen the joy of hibernating under my blanket for hours and has turned me into a creature of the night. When I finally do fall asleep, I fall so deep that I can't wake up. My house could go up in flames and I wouldn't know it. If that ever happens, the firemen will just have to carry me out on my bed because I'm not leaving my Tempur-Pedic for anyone.

DRIED-UP: Sex is not always pleasant when there's tumble weeds rolling around in the desert of my lady bits. If I'm not careful, my poor husband will be searching my body for alternative orifices.

FORGETFUL: I forget the pasta water that's boiling over on the stove; I forget to pick up my granddaughter from pre-school, and I forget to walk the dogs until one of them leaves a smelly surprise on the couch. You know what would make a great Christmas gift this year, Santa?  A LoJack for my car keys and reading glasses.

PSYCHO: Think Jack Nicholson in The Shining, or Norman Bates from The Bates Hotel. It's all fun and games until the grocery store no longer stocks my favorite pinto grigio and flames begin shooting out of my nostrils. Mr. Grocery Store Manager, you have been warned.


     I can only hope that one day soon the prince of post-menopause will arrive on my doorstep. With a single kiss, all my symptoms will disappear….and only then will I live happily ever after.




***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I'm featured for the very first time on Boomer Cafe, where I'm sharing the joy of being an almost empty nester! Can you can read it here: http://www.boomercafe.com/2015/09/09/a-boomer-counts-joys-of-becoming-an-empty-nester/

57 comments:

  1. Without a doubt, the best post of the day and year!! My favorite: Dried Up ~ Still laughing. Then Inion and I began to think. We always leave your blog laughing and in a better mood. So as fans of you and your writing, we purchased a copy of "Who Stole My Spandex." Looking forward to a great read Meno~Mama!! Sharing this hilariously brilliant post now!! xoxo <3

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    1. Awwww….thank you SO MUCH! I really appreciate the love! I'm really glad you liked it and you just made my evening! <3 <3 <3

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  2. Tumbleweeds rolling around in the dust of your lady bits!!! I died!!
    I'm so stealing that. Hahaha

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    1. Hahahaha! Glad you liked it. My mind really does go to some strange places….

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  3. Those little pricks visited my house, too!

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    1. Sounds like they have been busy---jumping from house to house.

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  4. Yes, to all of these but especially sweaty, forgetful and psycho. Bad combination!!!!

    Jill http://www.rippedjeansandbifocals.com

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    1. My husband steers clear when I'm experiencing all of those things simultaneously.

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  5. Oooh, hilarious, Marcia! What a perfect analogy! :) I enjoyed the post! Because I am also, right now, Knock Knock Knocking on Hell's door!

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    1. Thanks, Vidya! We're all sisters in this awful "change of life" stage.

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  6. I've never trusted those seven dwarfs! Keep the faith, when you get into your next decade your senses will diminish and you won't mind all these symptoms so much. Loved the post!

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    1. Either that or a lot of wine will make me even more forgetful that the little pricks are still hanging around…..

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  7. So funny Marcia! I think they are outside with a U-Haul in my driveway as I read this!

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  8. LOve your post, made me laugh. Living here in the tropics of Mexico, let me tell you..there's nothing hotter than a hot flash in a heat wave. I implode daily.

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    1. Oh gawd I would die. It's bad enough here too in south Florida---temps in the 90's and I am sweltering!!!

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  9. Isn't being a woman just the greatest fun? We just never seem to be "stable"... always something new happening, and it never seems to be "spontaneous healthy weight loss" or "surprisingly clear skin"... sigh.

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    1. I could really go for the weight loss one right about now….

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  10. Hahaha, I love this post!! It is so funny!

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  11. You are one funny lady. Thanks for starting my day with a huge belly laugh, Marcia!

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    1. So glad I could make you giggle---and you just made my day by saying that!

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  12. And to think our mother's never told us about this!

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    1. Right??? A little "heads up" would have been nice!

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  13. Haha! I'm not there yet, but I've experienced all of these dwarfs at one time or another!

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  14. Spot on! Sadly these dwarfs are moving into my place too... the worst part? I get hot flashes WHEN I have my period these days - doesn't seem fair - pick one Mother Nature!

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  15. Marcia, this is so perfect! I'm sweaty right now. It could be 10 degrees below zero outside, makes no diff. Thanks for the laughs this morning!

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    1. I always envied my northern friends because I'm pretty certain if it snowed here in south Florida, I would be outside rolling in it every time a hot flash hit!

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  16. Oh yeah, I've been living with these mean little munchkins (sorry! wrong fairytale!) for awhile now! Great piece! So relatable!

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    1. Thanks, Camille! Sounds like you're waiting for Prince Charming to kiss away the dreaded menopause curse, too!

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  17. Yeah, sitting here waiting for that prince of post-menopause myself. I may have resorted to looking for him in the bottom of a vodka bottle. So far no luck, but it makes the waiting easier.

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    1. Ohhhhh I like the way you think! Pass me that bottle, PLEASE!

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  18. Been there done that! It has gotten better though I am still overcome with fatigue for no reason and can drop like a dead fly at 4 P.M.

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    1. Me too. I walk around exhausted all day even though I am getting a solid 7-8 hours sleep a night for the first time in years.

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  19. I was glad when those dwarfs left for good a few years back.

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    1. I sure hope I don't have to wait much longer…..

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  20. Tweeted and hilarious. But don't worry. You will eventually get kissed and meet some new dwarfs. Like Patchy and Creaky.

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  21. HAHAHAAH....I am ALL OF THE DWARFS!

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  22. LOLLLllll,
    absolutely, unequivocally creative and FABULOUS, Marcia.
    as for me....I will kick each and every dwarf's ASS!!

    xxx

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    1. I'll be doing some of that ass kicking right beside you, girlfriend!

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  23. OMGosh...I've been saying I need a LoJack for my keys and my granny glasses for a few years now...or at least a clap on/clap off and they buzz or something. And, you're bloaty too? I thought I was the only one. fun read!

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    1. Thanks, Karen! LOVE the "clap on clap off" idea!

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  24. No positive statement ever began, "searching for alternate orifices."

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  25. HAHA Marcia! So so so funny! Tumbleweeds in your ladybits?? HAHAH!! I'm not quite there yet but am HOT all. the. time. Gah.

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  26. Oh my gosh Marsha... I am right there with you... I am losing it with the sweating and I only make it worse by walking... I have to peel my clothing off and then sit in front of the AC... my poor AC has been working overtime this year...

    Bloaty.... that is what is going on with me... geesh I was fearful of someone sticking a pin in me and me flying away from all the excess air... and forgetful, I should not be allowed to cook and leave the kitchen, thankfully my youngest is always reminding me... otherwise I would have charcoal for food... lol

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    1. Too funny, Launna! Hey, I'm right there with you, girl!

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  27. Stupid dwarves. I have to add a couple that Husby insists on: Gropey and Sleezy.
    They don't get along with my Dwarves at all . . .

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    1. OMG one of the funniest comments yet, Diane!!!!

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  28. LOL! Great, now I know what to look forward to. All Dried-Up and nowhere to do the deed. Right now, I'm dealing with one dwarf and that's bloaty. I retain water like the Hoover Dam.

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    1. It's awful, isn't it? One glass of wine and I bloat up like a Macy's Day parade float.

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  29. I love this post. Sweaty and Sleepy are my constant companions these days.

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