Friday, November 13, 2015

Fourteen Things To Expect When You Become Older

 
     I've noticed a lot of changes in my life over the past few years, and I'm not just referring to a few extra pounds or menopause. My husband has noticed little changes in himself as well; his knees click when he gets up off the couch, and his back gives out whenever he tries to dance to anything sung by Pit Bull or Fetty Wap. This is what happens after you slide over the far side of the midlife hill. And it's only the beginning. Here are fourteen more things you have to look forward to in the not-so-distant future:

1. Your mailbox will be inundated with AARP invitations, LifeAlert ads and sales on cemetery plots.

2. You'll have the memory capacity of a goldfish.

3. If you're a man, your testicles will drop low enough to chafe your knee caps. If you're a woman, your breasts will look like two deflated pastry bags straddling your belly button.

4. You'll never leave the house without aspirin, floss, and antacids.

5. Skin tags and age spots will appear out of nowhere, which means you'll be visiting your dermatologist more often than you visit your friends.

6. You'll check WebMD at least once a day.

7. Your hair will mysteriously disappear from several areas on your body and leave you looking like a hairless cat.

8. You'll need to keep a handy stock of powders and thick creams for relief from chafing.

9. Every room in your house will be equipped with at least one pair of reading glasses, but you still won't be able to find any of them.

10. You'll be a sucker for every "miracle" serum advertised on TV to prevent your face from looking like a peach pit.

11. Most of the money you saved for retirement will end up invested in a good dental plan. Crowns, root canals and gum surgery will take the place of your dream vacation to Niagara Falls.

12. You'll need several shots of espresso to stay awake during the day and a dose of sleep medication at night to avoid playing mattress tag with Mr. Insomnia.

13. Viagra and menthol lubricants will become your best friends.

14. You'll feather your empty nest with extra cats, dogs, and possibly a few stray rodents.


     Welcome to the far side of midlife!



****I'm beyond thrilled to have a BRAND NEW POST featured on Purple Clover this week! Check out "The Battles Of The Bulge" here: http://www.purpleclover.com/health/5528--battles-bulge/?icid=pclver%7Cswipehp

Meno Mama was also featured on BLUNTmoms this week with my post, "Ten Lies Parents of Teens Tell Themselves." You can read it here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/10-lies-parents-teens-tell/



46 comments:

  1. Oh god! We take aspirin and our pills everywhere! Lol

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    1. You're going to end up with a lot more than just aspirin when you're my age....

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  2. We totally have the reading glasses in every room, and still my husband can never find them. I want to get a pacifier clip and clip them onto his shirt!

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    1. That's actually a great idea since we ladies have the necklace glass holders!

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  3. I was stupid enough to google cat "castles" for our two fur children (#14) - now my ad feed on every site I go to has cat condos on it - I suppose that's better than Poise pads or wrinkle cream - I'm never googling either of those! I want pretty dresses and shoes in my inbox please :)

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    1. OMG I am DYING LAUGHING! Hilarious, Leanne!

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  4. Oh man! This was hilarious and so true too. My mom complains about the hair disappearing too! lol

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    1. It sucks---except for some areas, I welcome it. I no longer have to shave my underarms---that hair disappeared a year ago, Ha-ha!

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  5. You made me laugh but the ONLY one that applies is number 1 -- the AARP junk mail. I am so glad I haven't experienced any of the others yet -- except adding more dogs to our household but then we have always been rescuers.

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    1. Me too---three rescue dogs. Those are my babies!!

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  6. Ha!!!! Too funny, Marcia. I love this list. It sucks getting old but at least we can laugh. Congrats on publishing on Purple Clover! :)

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    1. Thanks, Lisa! I was really excited to get in that site---and he just accepted another post from me yesterday. I'm kinda in shock---but thrilled!

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  7. LOL, regarding no 7 I could add: and appearing in places you didn't expect, like the chin, the ears and the back. Loved it!
    xx Abby

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    1. That's true, too. Suddenly I have these weird, gray hairs sprouting out of my eyebrows. Can't pluck 'em fast enough!

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  8. Ha! I think I've already checked most of them off of my list. Especially the readers in every room and still can't find them when I need to!

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    1. It drives yes me CRAZY! I can never find my glasses and I swear I own at least 10 pairs!

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  10. When I got that first piece of AARP mail it's been down heel . What I want to know is Who Told !!???😤😤😤

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  11. These are so true... I don't mind aging but I wish my breasts were where they used to be and I never leave my home without Advil :-)

    I wanted to let you know that I won't be writing and reading for awhile... I'll be back to reading and commenting soon... as far as writing I'm not sure... we'll see how it goes.

    I'm happy we are connected on Facebook ♡

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    1. Oh no! Is everything okay? I'll miss your blog posts and funny comments! But we can definitely keep in touch thru Facebook. <3

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  12. I have no idea what you're talking about. You believe me, right?

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  13. I like Ellen DeGeneres' take on being over the hill:
    ". . . and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future.

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  14. Too funny, but you forgot one. Those mysterious aches and pains that show up after a night of sleep. It's as if just turning over the wrong way pulls a muscle or breaks a rib!

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  15. LOL. I'm growing skin tags in the craziest places. And facing dental bills the size of Mt Rushmore, which apparently is a place I will not see, since all my vacation money is supporting my dentist! Great post.

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    1. I'm right there with you, my funny friend !

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  16. You learn to laugh at yourself because it is better then crying and shopping trolleys because a must to support you as you wonder around bloody big shopping centres

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    1. I hear you----My legs start to burn after an hour of walking around the mall. Never had that problem before.

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  17. I just turned 42 and I can definitely related, Marcia! I have glasses in different rooms and purses, and I most definitely check WebMD several times! (not sure if that's cos of aging though or paranoia). I hate the appearance of more spots, as well as the unwanted 'elderly' mail / emails. And how about the weighing scale being seemingly stuck, refusing to budge???? That is annoying the hell out of me! Fun post!

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    1. Thanks, Joy! YESSSSS the bathroom scale is my worst enemy!

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  18. Ah! This is why I need to get Alex to the dentist NOW.

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    1. Ha-Ha! Don't wait too long----those "little" things going on in the teeth become BIG things!

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  19. I'm laughing but wow so true. I appreciate the humor.

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  20. Damnit! What scares me the most is that I'm not even in my 50s yet and I have encountered some of these things on your list. I don't even want to think about what's going to happen in my 50s. I probably should already invest in a burial plot.

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    1. Hey, it's never tool late, ya know.....just kidding. Throw those mail flyers for cemetery plots away and enjoy the moment!

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  21. Oh my goodness! Right on point! I really enjoyed reading this post funny and true:)

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  22. Great post, good stuff, i enjoyed reading it thoroughly.

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