I'm sharing one of the many hilarious chapters from her book, and this one happens to be one of my favorites since it deals with aging. Vikki's book will be available for pre-order on Jan. 12 2016 (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes) in case you'd like to reserve your copy early of this funny lady's book (c'mon, you know you want to!). Enjoy!
Menopause
Killed my Inner MILF
Google
“Benefits of Menopause,” and you’ll get 8,570,000 possible
links. Over 8
1/2 million articles written
on how menopause makes us stronger, sexier, more confident, and
more at peace with our bodies and our sexuality. Not
to mention the exhilarating freedom from periods, bloating, cramping,
PMS, and the constant worry about pregnancy, however slim the chance.
What
they don’t tell you in those same posts is that all that zen is
achieved after menopause is over.
It’s the prize at the end of a rather bumpy ride, during which
you’ll start questioning whether you’ll ever be sexy again.
Or if you’ll ever care.
Like
most women, I like feeling attractive, sexy, desirable.
I’ve spent more money than I probably should’ve towards that
goal over the years, and although yoga pants and no makeup are
my norm, I do clean up fairly well (which admittedly
takes longer with each passing year). I have a tiny, but
persistent, inner hot chick that still likes
stilettos, little black dresses, and the appreciative looks
from Hubs at my efforts. Menopause crashed my hotness with
a thud heard in three states.
Suddenly
I was more “Ma’am” than MILF. Men stopped whistling
at me from the street and started helping me through the
crosswalk. People no longer commented “You look so much
like your mother” and started assuming we were sisters. One
unfortunate store owner in town asked me if I was
my son’s grandmother.
(As soon as I figure out how to hide the body, he’s going to die.)
In
retrospect, I’m amazed that Hubs made it through my menopausal
years. He married a reasonably confident, arguably normal woman, and
woke up one day to an overheated, moody, questionably
sane female sobbing uncontrollably over the sudden appearance of
cankles. My MILF was gone. How menopause killed it:
1. Hot
flashes. We were out at our favorite romantic restaurant, and instead
of the coy flirting of our early years (“Gee, Big Guy, is it
hot in here or is it just you?”), it became “Is it hot
in here or what? I’m hot. Is anybody
else hot??” Repeated
requests to the uncooperative waiter to turn the thermostat
down finally ended with a screeching “Can’t you turn the
freaking heat down?!? It’s TOO FRIGGIN’ HOT IN HERE.” Hubs
dragged my sweaty body out of the restaurant, and we haven’t been
back since.
2.
Metabolism changes. Actually, mine didn’t change. It
stopped. Weight maintenance was now limited to one Fruit
Loop and a Diet Coke per day. Weight loss required colonic
cleansing and fasting. And if you like wine, no carbs for
you. Ever. Carbs plus wine make you blow up like a puffer
fish, so you have to choose. I haven’t had a carb since 2009.
3.
Fatigue. I was tired all
the time.
Bedtime went from 10:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., effectively
eliminating boogie nights on the dance floor, since it’s
virtually impossible to find a band that starts at 5:30.
4.
Night sweats. Yeah, nothing turns a man on more than being whacked on
the arm at 2 a.m., to “Get up” because we have to change the
cold, wet sheets. Again. After the first six months,
we both got used to just tossing beach towels over the sheets
and crawling back into bed. Take that, sex
life.
5.
Day sweats. I quit going to the gym after realizing my clothes
would be soaked, with visible sweat pouring down between my
boobs and my butt crack, and I’d only been on the treadmill
for 3 minutes. It took me longer to wipe down the machine than
it did to work out.
6.
Incontinence. I’d laugh. A little squirt. I’d sneeze.
Another little squirt. The actual need to pee? Now I’d
be clenching my Kegals while I waddle-ran to the
nearest bathroom, praying there wasn’t a line and fully
prepared to bust into the men’s room if necessary. By the end of
the evening, I smelled like Eau de Pee, sitting in wet
undies, and wondering what the hell had happened to my
life. Hubs, not surprisingly, was still not turned on.
7.
Mood swings. Some days, Hubs would come home to find me sobbing
over yet-another Hallmark commercial about the son returning
home at Christmas to his adoring little sister and happy, teary-eyed
parents. Other days, any and all comments directed at
me, from anyone in the room, on any subject, were met with
“What the hell is wrong with
you??” accompanied, when the stupidity-level warranted it, by
a smack up ‘long side the head. Hubs claimed later that every
day was a crap shoot.
8.
Physical changes. Under-arm twaddle, boobs headed towards my knees,
and hips widening, irrevocably eliminated anything sleeveless or
low-cut from my closet and would forevermore require military-grade
underwear. Menopause underwear is designed to git ‘er
done,
by pushing, lifting, and shoving defiant and migrating body
parts back into their original shape and place. We no longer
care about lace edging or cute bows. We need Kevlar
underwire and the Spanx company on speed-dial.
9. Body
heat. More consistent than hot flashes, I was basically just hot
all. the. time. We had the front door open year-round, and unless it
was raining, I had the top down on my car. In December. I turned
the house heat completely off every night and opened all the windows.
Hubs repeatedly complained that he couldn’t perform in a meat
locker. I reminded him once that it’s a bad chef who blames his
utensils, but apparently he didn’t get my humor. Nobody got
any that
night.
10.
Hunger. Suffice it to say that I was always hungry.
And somehow, I have no recollection of craving carrots.
I do remember
threatening to bludgeon Hubs to death one night for eating the last
of my Milk Duds. To this day, he’s never eaten another Dud.
11. Evening
conversations tended more towards chronic
menopausal-induced IBS than our mutual plans for our next
vacation through the wine country. Hubs, who’s never seen me pee
(not
once in
15 years) because I want to maintain a modicum of mystery in our
marriage, looked a bit stunned one night when I bent over and hiked
up the back of my dress, asking “When I bend over like this, can
you see cellulite on the backs of my legs?” He laughed so
hard, he fell off his chair, but was smart enough to leave that
question untouched.
Now,
at the end of the tunnel, I’m approaching inner peace. But it was
a humbling and often mortifying ride. And
occasionally, when I’m doing my morning prayers and meditation, my
thoughts will free-fall back to those years and I’ll ask God,
“Really??REALLY??”
I’m
still waiting for a response.
Vikki Claflin is an
author and inspirational public speaker. She lives in Hood River,
Oregon, where she writes the award-winning humor blog Laugh
Lines.
Vikki has been featured on the Michael J. Fox Foundation website,
Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Workshop, The Huffington Post, Scary
Mommy, Midlife Boulevard, Better After 50, and Funny Times Magazine.
She also received a BlogHer14 “Voices of the Year” Humor award.
Vikki’s first book Shake,
Rattle & Roll With It: Living & Laughing with Parkinson’s
was listed as one of Amazon Editor's Favorite Books of 2014. You can
connect with Vikki and read more of her hilarious writing at
laugh-lines.net.
More great stuff from one of the queens of midlife mayhem. Good luck with the second book, Vikki.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Bryan! One of the queens of midlife mayhem? Love it! :)
DeleteThis is hilarious. I am pre-ordering her book right now. "One fruit loop and a diet coke per day" made me laugh my chubby butt off. I'm with you on eliminating carbs over wine. That is going on my list of New Year's Resolutions, maybe in 2020. Yeah, that seems like a nice even number to make some changes, what do you think?
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Molly! I call my resolution list, "Yet another list of resolutions I have no intentions of keeping!" :)
DeleteOh lord, I can't wait. Is there any way to skip it?? Pahleeese? No menapause for me?
ReplyDeleteJennileigh, the good new is that it's finite. There will be times when you'll swear you're going to be menopausal until you drop dead from old age. Just keep telling yourself, "This too shall pass." (And write about it on your blog, just to keep you laughing!) :)
DeleteOh my. Vicki has obviously been in my house, my kitchen, on my scale, in my bathroom and my bedroom. This is a must read for all women, but it may scare the millenials!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cathy! Yes, it might scare the younger girls, but what they don't know is that we come out the other as fabulous bad asses. So there! :)
DeleteWe're with you on that bed-time thing! We laugh about it all the time...we are ready for bed at 8:30 and that is no joke!
ReplyDeleteCarol, I can't remember the last time I stayed up after 9:00. It just seems so civilized to go to bed early. :)
DeleteYep. Yep. Yep. Oh, who am I kidding? . . . ALL of the above!:)
ReplyDeleteDiana, you crack me up! :)
DeleteAh yes, the 8:30 bedtime is a corker, is it not? Who knew there come a day when I'd enjoy getting up at 5:00 AM? Off to share.
ReplyDeleteKelly, me too! Good Lord, I wake up at 4 a.m. and lay there until 4:30 or so, and finally give up and get up. No wonder we go to bed at 8:00! :)
DeleteI started menopause at age 35, thanks to chemo. Am still going through it now at 66 with no end in sight. My biggest tip? Folded up sheets of Bounty Paper Towels in your purse. 1) wipe sweat off every part of body. 2) sop up wet panties. 3) can be used as a panty liner if need be. 3) Handy in public johns when there's no toilet paper. HRT helps too. Having sex with same-age hubs or boyfriends who understand what you body is going through is one thing. When younger men comment that I'm all sweaty, I turn it into a compliment. "Darling, you just make me sizzle.
ReplyDeleteYou're too funny, Em! I LOVE the idea of portable Bounty Paper Towels! :)
DeleteAs much as Vikki cracks me up and I do laugh when I read her blog, I find the information and advice she shares to be very serious and on point. I am looking forward to the new book!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Doreen! If we can't laugh at the serious stuff, we need to find a way to make it less serious. Life's too short! :)
DeleteThis is fabulous, Marcia. I've been to Vikki's site and love her writing. This new book sounds amazing! I can relate to too many of these meno moments. Recently at a restaurant I observed a couple about our age at the next table. She was wearing a pretty shift dress. She kept taking her sweater on, then off. On. Off. I chuckled in appreciation and empathy. I told my Beau to discreetly check out how many times she would put on then take off her sweater. "Hot flashes!!" I wanted to yell out and give her a sisterhood high five. I don't think she would have found it funny tho.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lisa! I still do the on/off thing every time we go out, and I haven't had any other symptoms for years. That "surge" thing takes a long time to pass. I'll bet that woman would have just cracked up and found a new "sister!" :)
DeleteBased on some of these details, I got off easy when my wife went through menopause. Funny material, though.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Stephen! :)
DeleteHa, I am so grateful that a) my hubs doesn't write and b) that he doesn't read blogs. Because I put him through so much, and, at nearly 63, I still am.
ReplyDeleteAlana, my Hubs has never read one thing I've written. Not my blog and not my books. I tell people I'm good with that. He's much more private than I am. He might start censoring my writing! :)
DeleteOh my gosh... I laughed so hard when your husband said he can't perform in a meat licker... lol ... did you remind him that it might warm him up.. haha ... and your poor hubs... no milk duds for him... what a hoot. Thanks for the laughs, I am passing menapause now and detesting every moment. I'm looking forward to the end of the tunnel... as long as I'm still able to enjoy myself when I get there xox
ReplyDeleteOMG Vicki! I feel your pain girly cause I'm going through the same mess! I know meno can be quite depressing for some and the symptoms awful but what should we do? Curl up in a corner in cry? Or find the humor in it, like you have, and share it! ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat guest, Marcia!
Rock out ladies!
Nice to know it's not just me who opens the windows in the winter! I walk around in sleeveless dresses at work while my co-workers are snuggled in sweaters and scarves. I hate being hot all the time and it's worse in the winter because the clothing choices are so limited. The stores either show heavy sweaters, or shirts made out of thin material so you are forced to wear a shirt underneath - I am too darn hot all the time to wear a shirt underneath another shirt. Thanks for a good laugh and to know I'm not alone!
ReplyDeleteHilarious and Frightening as HELL at the same time.
ReplyDeleteLove this, Vikki! x
I'm so enjoying your midlife stories and even this one from Vikki. Gosh, it makes me fear what's coming but also makes me realize that there'll always be humor in every stage of our lives.
ReplyDeleteThis has always been one of my most favorite of hers. I just Vikki!
ReplyDeletegrt
ReplyDelete