Friday, September 9, 2016

14 Signs You're Not Getting Enough Sleep


     Everyone experiences insomnia at one point or another, and I'm not talking about the I-shouldn't-have-had-that-double-espresso-shot-before-bed kind of sleeping problem. I'm talking about full-on insomnia that occurs night after night and leaves you looking like The Walking Dead. Unfortunately, when you skid sideways into menopause, it's not uncommon for insomnia to become the unwanted  BFF who short-circuits your dreams.

     Most menopausal women I know don't have a problem falling asleep; they have a problem staying asleep. For me, it's the demanding bladder, sporadic hot flashes, and the fact that my brain believes 3:00 a.m. is the ideal time to wake up my muse and share some brilliant ideas.

     There are different trains of thought on the amount of sleep required to stay healthy. Some people need a solid eight hours to function normally, while others perform best with only five. But one thing is for sure; when you aren't getting enough sleep, your body lets you know in a variety of ways, such as frequent yawning (which is really just a silent scream from your body to return to your bed). Here are 14 signs that you're not getting enough sleep:

1. You have the sales pitch from every late night infomercial committed to memory.....and you are now the proud owner of a corduroy cat condo (even though you don't own a cat).

2. Your feet have created crop circles in the carpet from numerous night time trips between your bed and the bathroom.

3. Every morning your eyes appear bloodshot and your coworkers suspect you've been staying up late to party with the spirit of Bob Marley.

4. You toss and turn so much during sleep that you've worn bald spots on either side of your head.

5. You're cheating on your spouse with your new, favorite sleep partner----Melatonin.

6. Yawning is a chronic problem at work. Each time you yawn, it creates a chain reaction around the office, which lasts two hours and goes several rounds before it stops. I'll bet you're yawning right now.

7. Your neck is often sore from craning your head sideways every five minutes to check the glowing numbers on your bedside clock.

8. Other than the Cleveland Clinic, you own the second largest collection of orthotic braces for aching knees, feet, and wrists in your desperate attempt to sleep pain-free at night.

9. You're always in a fog. You wake up one morning to find your pillow in the refrigerator and a frozen lamb chop in your bed. No amount of coffee is going to improve your brain fog. You will always do stupid shit and be forgetful until you get more sleep.

10. You engage in mental warfare with your brain nightly around 2:00 a.m. The brain doesn't want to sleep, but you do. You tell your brain to shut up, but it just keeps asking the same questions: "Did you lock the front door? Turn off the stove? Pay the mortgage on time? Did the dog poop when you walked him at 11:00?" No sleep for you until you get out of bed and check all the locks. Well played, brain.

11. Mr. Sandman ran out of sand before he made it to your  house, which explains why you have large, empty sand bags under your eyes every morning.

12. You've reached the end of your rope and have signed up for a sleep study despite the fact that you will get NO SLEEP at the clinic. How can you, when you'll be required to wear Medusa-like coils around your head and electrodes attached to your body? What little shut-eye you get will be plagued with seemingly acid-induced dreams that will make you feel like you're back at Woodstock in 1969.

13. You've counted so many sheep at bedtime that you now have a wool sweater with a matching set of mittens. Keep up with the sheep herding, and a free scarf comes next.

14.  Although you need 3.0 readers during the day, your night vision is 20/20 since you've inherited the sleep cycle of a nocturnal rodent.

     Still worried that you're not getting enough sleep? The good news is that Amazon has a BOGO sale on sheep. You can order as many as you want for counting.....which means you won't have a shortage of wool sweaters this winter. Sweet dreams!



40 comments:

  1. HAH these are so true. My doctor recently recommended I take Magnesium to help me sleep and it really works. Holy vivid, relevant dreams batman, which are awesome! The only side effect is you better be near a bathroom in the morning for #2 'cause there ain't no holding back! POW!

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    1. Well, now I know what to take for constipation.....

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  2. My friends tell me it also means the black and blue tones on your arms when their spouse clips them saying...not now, I AM sleeping.

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  3. Loved this...I am over it now...in more ways than one, but I always woke up at 3:00 on the dot every. single. night...

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    1. I hate it when a pattern like that forms---very hard to break the insomnia cycle.

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  4. This is super funny and I laughed reading it. I don't have issues getting to sleep or staying asleep. Full 8 hours last night...like straight through, slept like a freaking rock. Physical activity helps me keep insomnia at bay. (I'm 53, definitely post menopausal as I went into menopause early due to chemotherapy 12.5 years ago)

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    1. Thanks, Peggy! Glad you're getting some sleep at last!

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  5. I haven't slept through the night since my oldest was born. Wake up at 1, and again around 5. My sister and I joke about the really bad nights, which we call, "sleep optional" nights. I usually know it's taking a toll when I have a headache the next day...

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    1. Oh yes--- I forgot about the wicked headaches! "Sleep optional nights"---I have to remember that one.

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  6. OMG!!So true. I have been using the ap - Sleep Cycle. Which essentially tells me just how terrible my sleep is!!

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  7. Reading this in a sleep deprived state and wondering how it all came down to this. Well, no longer wondering....

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  8. Oh, man, so true! And I'm not even really there just yet!

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    1. I think in our society, pretty much all women are sleep deprived because we do so much!

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  9. haha! I recognize some of these signs, Marcia. I have a few wool sweaters too. I'll get the mittens to match, no doubt. Loved it! Have a great weekend!!

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    1. Thanks! Let me two how those wool mittens work out for you!

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  10. I know too well the 3:00 a.m. wide-awake shuffle. Some weeks I sleep perfectly. Others I'm a wreck with no idea why. Thanks for these great tips.

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    1. I love your metaphor for it---"Wide awake shuffle." Right there with you!

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  11. For me it's when I just plain can't get out of bed. :)

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  12. Ummm, so . . . about that #3? If you actually did spend more time with the spirit of Bob Marley (ahem, so to speak). . . don't think you'd have this sleep problem any more. Or so I've heard . . .

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    1. I should have said that I stayed up late partying with him, LOL!

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    2. Just went back in and re-worded it. :)

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  13. #2 really spoke to me, especially since there are crop circles on the carpet on my side of the bed.

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  14. I've resorted to drugs (the sleeping variety - not the hallucinogenic ones!) it was that, or smother my snoring husband at 3am!

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    1. I don't blame you---getting enough sleep is a serious issue!

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  15. I'm with Leanne - Sleeping drugs works for me as well. It's a win, win for everyone. The husband doesn't get kicked anymore and I can sleep like a baby.

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  16. HAAahhaaaaaaaa.
    And I have WEIRD, Scary dreams about Sand Men! xx

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  17. Marsha, this is so true... the yawning, the tossing & turning... the brain fog, that has to be the craziest... doing something & having no memory... I wish that melatonin was something that worked for me... it could be my best friend... lol

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    1. I wish it helped you, too. I know how much you have struggled with insomnia.

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  18. Oh so true. Wish I could sleep through the night and I'm a little worried about the drugs some of the ladies suggested. Maybe a better workout plan!

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    1. I do Zumba 4-5 times a week just to exhaust myself into a better sleep pattern.

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  19. Ah, the infectious yawn - so true. My weak bladder screams to be emptied around 4.00 am each morning (2.00 am, 4.00 am & 6.00 am if I've been on the ale!)

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  20. HA! So so true. Some nights, I feel as if I only got about five minutes of sleep. I know it's more than that but sheesh!

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  21. So far so good. I'm hoping it stays that way once I hit menopause.

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