Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Twelve courageous bloggers are participating today in this group posting that highlights some of their most embarrassing moments in the past month. At our house, there's no such word as shame. The fly has taken up residence in our home and is quietly documenting everything he hears. Obviously we keep him entertained, which explains why he's still hanging around (or he's just following the trail of crumbs my teenager leaves behind).
     Here's what the fly has been privy to this month:

"Do you think the IRS will let us use your food baby as a tax deduction?"

"Why would someone leave the box to their new, giant screen TV in the their front yard for trash pick
up day? That's an advertisement for robbers to come over and steal your TV."
"Not if you put the box in your neighbor's front yard."

"You're really good at crafting words into stupid."

"He'll drink anything with the word 'beer' in it….even if it was brewed by garden gnomes in a garage in Cleveland."

"When you asked me to walk the dog, I didn't realize you were going to shout, 'DON'T LET HIM EAT HIS OWN POOP' loud enough for the next-door neighbors to hear it while they were dining outside."

"My stomach is an estrogen storage pouch. It's where all my food reserves go."
"Then you'd better dig into those reserves because we need to trim down our grocery bill."

"You lost your youth the day you put a remote control chair, a fold-up cot and a collapsible java drip in your car to use during your lunch breaks at work."

" I don't care how sick he is with the flu. If he has explosive diarrhea, I am NOT helping him clean those unreachable spots on his backside. I'll just hose him down in the front yard."

"I'm so full, I have belly girth. Do they sell Spanx for men?"

"You know those gooey impression molds that dentists stick in your mouth when you need to have a crown made? Someone should make the goop taste better by inventing a donut flavored one."
"Bad idea. You'd cost us a fortune in dental bills because you'd eat all the impression molds."

"I'm not drunk---I'm just drinking."
"Then stop asking me to get freaky with you in the back of the van. That's where the dog puked last week. There's a point to how freaky I'm willing to get, and rolling in old dog barf isn't on that list."

"We need to ask my mom for some parenting advice on our son. He's making me crazy."
"Isn't she the one who tied your brother to a clothesline in the backyard while she did the laundry?"
"Like I said, she has  the best advice when it comes to raising boys."

"I totally forgot what I was wearing today---WHY did you let me walk into the pet store with my 'CAT: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT' t-shirt on?"


     If you stayed at my house for a month, don't you think you'd feel like you were stuck in Crazy Town, too?

     Don't forget to visit the other eleven bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall posts!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado
 
Want to follow Meno Mama and never miss a post? Please subscribe to my blog (see upper right sidebar) or follow me on my Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/MenopausalMother. You can also find me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MenoMother or Google Plus: https://plus.google.com/113320616211668910891/posts  or Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/marciakdoyle/

    I absolutely ADORE today's WWW guest!! Please welcome Crystal Ponti of  MommiFried! I've been following Crystal's blog for quite some time now, but it wasn't until she invited me to contribute to her book, Mother Of All Meltdowns (a humorous collection of essays from funny mothers sharing their finest meltdown moments) that I got to know her through email contact and Facebook. I love the diversity found on her blog---some days she posts mouth-watering recipes ( I started checking in regularly after making one of her crockpot dishes that was a HUGE success with my family) and other days you'll find her humorous essays that will leave you laughing right along with her.
     Crystal is by far THE BUSIEST blogger I've ever met! Not only does she post regularly on MommiFried, she is also a contributing writer for What The Flicka, the editor and publisher of Mother Of All Meltdowns and more recently, the founder of Blue Lobster Book Co. (a full-service, self-publishing boutique). Crystal describes herself as having a "brain in constant hyper mode," and nothing could be more true. I've seen this incredibly talented woman in action and let me tell you, she doesn't let the grass grow under her feet. With a husband and a houseful of children, she could give the Energizer bunny a run for his money. She's brimming with ideas, enthusiasm and energy, which is why I admire her more than she knows!!
     Please welcome this special lady to my blog today and give her lots of comment love---or maybe just a big mug of coffee since she apparently never sleeps!

     After the roaring success of my WWW guest post by Lizzi Rogers of Considerings (you can read that post here) a challenge was set before me. Lizzi and a handful of other bloggers dared me to write a chapter out of a romance novel, IF I was ever to write one. When I was younger, I tried my hand at that genre and failed miserably. I think I'm a little better at it now, but don't be looking for any romance novels from me. I prefer writing about the humor found in everyday life.

     In honor of Valentine's Day, I give you A Little Romance:


     She knew what was at risk, but she couldn't stop herself from hiking up the snowy path that led to his cabin. He was an artist; moody and reclusive, yet she was drawn to him for reasons she couldn't understand. What had started as a flutter of attraction when they first met quickly turned into something far deeper and frightening than she was willing to admit.

     Her heart thudded in her chest when his cabin came into view. She paused and breathed deep the scent of pine and smoke. Snow fell from the bruised, December sky and covered the trees in sleeves of ice. She closed her eyes against the stinging, cold air and visualized his rugged handsomeness: the small brackets on either side of his sensual mouth, hair black as a raven's wing and dark, obsidian eyes---the sadness behind them creating a deep ache she couldn't explain.

     There was no turning back now. The cabin was only a few feet away from where she stood. A thin trail of smoke spiraled up from the chimney and formed ghosts that snagged on the lacy branches sheltering his home. She imagined him inside, at his easel, tapered fingers stained from the charcoals he'd used to sketch her face a dozen times. She understood that he was incapable of putting into words what he felt. He drew his emotions on a blank canvas to guard his heart from the thorns of broken promises.

     The frigid wind swirled around her, splinters of ice glistening at her feet. She hesitated once more before stepping up to the porch. The door suddenly swung open and their eyes met, heat flaring between them. The sight of him stole her breath, her pulse drumming in her throat as his name left her lips in the form of a sigh. He pulled her into his warm embrace and she nestled against him, his heart beating like a humming bird's wing beneath her finger tips.

     Melding his lips to hers, she felt desire uncoiling inside her and pressed against him. He lifted a trembling hand to her cheek and brushed back the damp strands of hair that clung to her face. She shivered with anticipation, aware of what was about to happen.

     Without a word, he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the cabin. He stripped away all her insecurities and fears one layer at a time, stirring the sleeping fragments of love. His trust was the balm that mended the broken pieces of her heart.

     She knew in that instant when his soul slipped into hers, that the course of her life would be forever changed.

                                                   ********************

Places I was featured this week in case you're bored and looking for something to read:
http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/how-to-annoy-your-children/
http://comicstripmama.com/10-things-i-love-about-menopause
http://midlifeboulevard.com/stuff-we-dont-want/

Want to follow Meno Mama and never miss a post? Please subscribe to my blog (see upper right sidebar) or follow me on my Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/MenopausalMother. You can also find me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MenoMother or Google Plus: https://plus.google.com/113320616211668910891/posts  or Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/marciakdoyle/


 
   

     My lovely guest on Wacky Wednesday Writers today is funny lady Molley Mills of A Mother Life. Molley and I share quite a few mutual friends, so it was only natural that I would mosey over to her blog to get to know her better----and I'm so glad I did! She has a beautiful site and writes hilarious posts about her family. But the really cool thing about Molley is that she never sugar coats life. She tells it like it is, and her honesty in blogging is refreshing. Her mission statement for AML is clear: "To write engaging content and start discussions that make our world better."
     Molley has been living through that nightmare we call the Polar Vortex, right smack dab in the middle of Manhattan! There have been a lot of snow days and kids home, yet she continues to write her entertaining posts amid all the chaos. The funny poem she is sharing with us today is a play on the comedic children's book series of "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie." Please give Molley a warm welcome and don't forget to check out all of her links!

If you Give Your Child an Ipad

 
      Traditionally, Valentine's Day is a celebration for the ladies. The name automatically conjures up images of candle light dinners, flowers and decadent chocolates nestled in red satin hearts. Men have a completely different perspective of Valentine's Day---one that involves obligation and pressure to get the right gift. I've seen plenty of them break into a sweat while trolling the card aisle at Hallmark. They know that if they screw this day up, instead of getting a roll in the hay, they'll end up in the dog house with Fido The Farter.
     Fellas, do you want your Valentine's day (and night) to be a success? If your goal is to reach the Holy Grail of love before the champagne grows warm, follow this check list of do's and don'ts for the big day:


* Don't buy that cheesy, stuffed bear in the bin at the drugstore checkout line. Chances are your special lady has twenty more just like it in a garbage bag in the back of her closet. If she wants something cute and fuzzy, buy her a hamster or a ferret.

* Nothing screams "last minute gift" more than three dozen wilted roses for three dollars from a roadside stand. And don't pick your neighbor's dandelions or daisies in an effort to create a clever bouquet. A florist you are not. Brush the cobwebs off your wallet and buy some REAL flowers that last more than a day.

* When it comes to chocolate, don't buy that cheap crap that leaves a waxy feel to the roof of your mouth. If the candies are covered in a white film, the box has most likely been sitting on the store shelf since Valentine's Day 2010. This is the one time you don't want to skimp on quality. Buy your woman some damn Godivas.

* Wine makes a perfect gift, unless it comes from the Swamp Gator Winery in the Florida Everglades. The same goes for champagne. If it was bottled in a garage in Joplin, Missouri, you might want to shell out some extra cash for the good stuff.

* Taking your significant other to Denny's for the $1.99 dinner special is NOT a romantic gesture. Take her to a restaurant that has more than three stars attached to its name. If salisbury steak and pancakes are listed on the menu and there's a chocolate dipping fountain in the center of the room, you're in the wrong place.

* Don't shop the local flea market for fake silver that looks like it came from a vending machine at a carnival. If you're going to be THAT cheap, the least you can do is throw in a bag of popcorn or roasted peanuts.

* When your woman hinted that tickets to a show might be nice, she wasn't referring to Monster Jam where the 4x4s have tires the size of three story donuts. Get her a dozen Krispy Kremes and take her to the theatre.

* Thinking of shopping at Victoria's Secret for your love? Be very careful. If you buy her a thong two sizes too small, she'll obsess about her weight. If you buy her one in rhino size that doubles as a slingshot, you risk sleeping on the couch for a week.

* Caviar is a tricky gift. If it's Beluga from the Caspian Sea, your partner will love it. If the container of caviar is marked, "Made In Hong Kong", she might end up in the bathroom all night. The only action you'll see will be with a mop and a bottle of disinfectant.


     Fellas, if you follow this check list, you're sure to have a rewarding evening full of surprises….or maybe just a furry ferret.

Catch my weekly article at In The Powder Room. I'm talking about getting my freak on once the last kid leaves the nest! Read it here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2014-02-countdown-getting-freak-on.html

Want to follow Meno Mama and never miss a post? Please subscribe to my blog (see upper right sidebar) or follow me on my Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/MenopausalMother. You can also find me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MenoMother or Google Plus: https://plus.google.com/113320616211668910891/posts  or Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/marciakdoyle/
 

     I'm counting down the years until my last child leaves the nest. While there are some parents who dread the day their house is empty, I'm giddy at the prospect of getting back my freedom and my privacy. And just what are my plans, you might ask? It involves laundry, lust and libations. Read all about it today at: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2014-02-countdown-getting-freak-on.html

     Want more Meno Mama? Find out if you have what it takes to be considered "Over The Hill" in my  featured post this week at: http://midlifeboulevard.com/over-the-hill/ 

     Several years ago I shared a colonoscopy date with my husband. Catch my weekly story at HumorOutcasts and find out if everything came out okay for us in "the end." http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/i-need-a-what/

                                                      ****NEWS FLASH****

     I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who voted for my blog in the VoiceBoks contest last month. Because of your love and support, you are now looking at the new VOICEBOKS TOP 10 HILARIOUSLY FUNNY BLOG OF 2014: MENOPAUSAL MOTHER!!! Thank you so much for your help---I never could have won without you!

     I absolutely ADORE today's Wacky Wednesday Writers guest! Please say hello to the fabulous Mary Anne Tuggle Payne of http://forever-51.com. Her blog posts usually have me howling with laughter, as do many of her Facebook statuses. I was so thrilled to find Mary Anne because we are both midlife bloggers, and everything she writes is so relatable to me. She is a gifted humorist and an inspiration! I'm very fortune to have her guesting today, because I suspect this talented lady will be a household name one day. Her recent post, "Y'all Laughin at Us? Bless Your Hearts,"went viral in 24 hours! How cool is that? Be sure to check out her awesome blog and give her a BIG welcome here today on Meno Mama's site!