Last month I wrote about the fifteen things no parent should have to say to their teen daughter (you can read it HERE). So what about the boys? I've raised two sons, as well as daughters, and it seems that in every stage of my boys' lives, from the moment they stood unassisted to when they took their first step, there was a battery of things I NEVER imagined I would have to say to my little male bundles of joy. When they were young, it was the simple stuff like, "I know it looks like a Tootsie Roll but you can't play with the cat's poop"…..."Stop eating dirt---it's not part of the food pyramid"…... "No, that humming wand you found hidden in the back of Mommy's drawer can NOT be used as lightsaber while playing Star Wars."Raising boys is a whole different ballgame, and their teen years are known to reduce even the toughest of parents down to a puddle of anxiety and insecurities. Please know that if you have uttered one or more of the following statements to your teenage son, you're not alone:
*You're gonna need a chain saw to cut those toenails.
*If you keep 'borrowing' gas money from me, I'm trading in your car for a Vespa.
*Just because you have laser lights and a stereo system the size of a Winnebago in your room, it doesn't mean that you're allowed to host a rave every weekend. Our house withstood several hurricanes, but I'm not sure it'll last through the rumblings of your bass.
*Please chew with your mouth closed. I don't need to see how fast your molars can masticate a steak.
*Did you wipe?
*You're going to have arthritis in your fingers by the time you're twenty-five from using your cell phone 24/7.*I don't care how pretty she is---when you take her out on a date, you'd better be thinking with the big head and not the little head.
*All that stinky laundry on your closet floor is making your room smell like a Porta Potty that hasn't been cleaned out in months.
*If you're going to spend THAT much time in the shower, then you need to start scrubbing all the extra "conditioner" off the shower doors.
*Pay your speeding tickets before you end up on a television episode of Cops.
*No, you will not get carpal tunnel syndrome from flushing the toilet several times a day.*It's going to take an ice cream scoop to clean all that wax out of your ears.
You need to make a cell phone payment instead of spending your entire paycheck on sneakers…unless, of course, you plan on ditching the wheels in favor of using your feet to get around.
*Yesterday there was a five pound ham in the refrigerator, and now it's gone. A gallon of milk, two bags of chips, a loaf of bread and an entire box of Oreos are also missing. If you step on the bathroom scale, I think I can solve the mystery of the missing food.
*Belching the alphabet is not a skill that women find attractive.
Thankfully, one of my sons is now an adult who has turned into a fine gentleman. My youngest (and feistiest) still has a few more years to go, but the way I see it, he'll be the one who ends up married with four children. Hopefully all boys.
I'd better keep an ice cream scoop in my pocket at all times…..just in case.
***This week I was thrilled to be featured on Beyond Your Blog! You can read my post about living the writer's life here: http://www.beyondyourblog.com/its-a-writers-life-for-me/#
Oh my, this is hilarious. I have NO experience with boys. One of my daughters did comment that when passing by a guys room on a college dorm tour, she was knocked out by the ... unique odor? I told her to brace herself when she heads off to college because Moms aren't coming around picking up those dirty clothes and getting them washed:)
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I can just imagine the smell…...
DeleteLOL I really thought men get carpal tunnel from flushing toilets and why do they leave laundry around and not notice the stink!
ReplyDeleteMy son currently has about six loads of dirty laundry stuffed into his closet. Claims he is too busy between school and work to wash them….
DeleteSo funny Marcia! I tried to share it on Google+ but when I do it comes up the article about the girls for some reason. Just wanted to give you heads up!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rena! Yes, I had trouble with it, too. I think because the titles are almost identical. I couldn't share it off the blog itself--I had to share it off my FB page.
DeleteWhat a funny post. I raised a son and the teenage years were the toughest. You need your best sense of humor for it.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! I've learned to laugh off most of the shenanigans……most….
DeleteOh my gosh this is so funny Marcia!! I cringed reading it though, thinking my years with my little guy are just ahead...
ReplyDeleteOh dear. Lord. Help. ME.
Stay strong, my friend. Keep the smile in place and remember that you are NOT alone!!!
DeleteMarcia this was hilarious... I like the light saber one and telling them to think with the big head and not the little head... more boys/men need to do that one ;-)
ReplyDeleteAs for the food, how did you not end up in the poor house? I saw this with my sister and two nephews... it scared me how much they ate... lol...(plus they were not fat, what's up with that? ... not fair) ;-)
Right?? Boys can eat whatever they want and although they may be a little pudgy when they are tweens, it all disappears with little effort by the time they hit 16-17. My youngest especially has had the appetite of a grizzly bear while living here.
DeleteLoved, loved, loved this!! I need to show it to my 21 year old son. Off to read the girl version now. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I have experience with both sides---and can honestly say I'm not sure which is the most difficult to raise.
DeleteAbsolutely hilarious! My favourite is the chain saw and the wipe one! Well observed, I don't know why, but for whatever reason boys have more wax in their ears than girls (and I thought it's sonly mine)? And the odour problem, the same. And yes, I still have to wipe my four year old son's butt:)
ReplyDeleteIt gets really scary when you KNOW they've pooped….but it's still in the toilet….and there is not a SCRAP of toilet paper in the bowl (plus the roll has been empty for a good 24 hours). Ewwwwww!!!
DeleteOh me gee Marcia..."*If you're going to spend THAT much time in the shower, then you need to start scrubbing all the extra "conditioner" off the shower doors." I DIED. hahahahahaha
ReplyDeleteVery, very true…..and gross. I won't go near my son's bathroom anymore...
DeleteWell, I started out laughing. Then I started to realize how many of those things I've actually said.
ReplyDeleteScary, isn't it?
DeleteThis brings back memories of raising our boy, now thirty-five. Yours are two handsome young men.
ReplyDeleteAwww…thanks, Stephen. If your son looks anything like you, I'm betting he is a very handsome man as well!
DeleteOh. My. GAWD! This was hysterical Marcia! I do not have any boys, but now I know what I'm truly in for when/if I do Thank you for the laugh! And BTW, you are BEAUTIFUL! Okay, that's all��
ReplyDeleteYou are too kind! I'll tell you what----if you do end up having boys one day, call me---we will have a nice long chat! :)
DeleteSmile. Never had a boy, and you make that seem like it might have been a good thing. I especially like the thinking with the big head. Chortle. Snort.
ReplyDeleteHa-Ha! Glad you liked that comment, Nancy!
DeleteOh the joys of teenagers, never had sons so don't know about what never to say to a boy but these sound about right
ReplyDeleteI think several of these might apply to husbands as well…..
DeleteI'm not there quite yet. Our two boys are 10 and 13. But thanks for giving me so much to look forward to. Hmmm..
ReplyDeleteOhhhhhh thirteen…..you are ALMOST there! Fasten your seatbelt---it might be a bumpy ride, ha-ha!
DeleteUGH my son is 5 and his feet already almost make me pass out from their stink. Seriously! This is hilarious as always Marcia!!! And congrats on being on Beyond the Blog - going!
ReplyDeleteThanks! And yes, what IS IT about boys and stinky feet???
DeleteApparently you've been hanging out at my house! Raising teenage boys is a special kind of torture, I tell you. One of mine just turned 20 and the other will be 18 soon, so maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel? Have a great weekend Marcia!
ReplyDeleteI hope so, Lana. My youngest is 19 and I'm STILL waiting…..
DeleteHeehee! And that was always my wish for my sons. "I hope you grow up and have children JUST LIKE YOU!" I won't say any more except this: Be careful what you curse your children with . . .
ReplyDeleteI would love it if all four of my kids ended up with rambunctious boys, ha-ha!
DeleteOh, I recognize many of these statements. My son is 20!! I have exclamation points there because we made it through the teen years. Apparently his cortex has completely closed. Hallelujah. He's a fine man as well. Great post, Marcia! Now, I'm off to read the one for daughters as God lovingly blessed me with one. :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it great to have both? It gives a nice perspective on parenting, that's for sure!
DeleteDid you wipe?!!
ReplyDeleteLOLllllllllllllllll.
Fabulous, Mama. xx
I used to have to say that waaaay more often than I want to admit….
DeleteWe've raised two boys here, one girl....sometimes even the "grownup" boys have to be reminded to put the seat up when using the "facility". A dampened early morning bottom can seriously dampen the tone of the "Good Morning"! ;)
ReplyDeleteThat is the worst. I don't like the pee left on the seat, either.
DeleteAdorable post, my friend, and since I have 2 young boys, I'm looking forward to saying some of these things as they get older! Haha
ReplyDeleteTWO boys? Oh yes, you will be saying many of these things….
DeleteHilarious! Still a few years ahead for me...but two to go...
ReplyDeleteYou'll have your hands full, for sure!
DeleteFunny stuff! I remember getting the same speech when I was dating back in high school. I also ate my parents out of house and home! It's what boys do.
ReplyDeleteAnd now you get to eat like a king! :)
DeleteSeriously we do have to say some things to the kids I'd have never dreamed saying when they were cute little bundles of joy. ;) My 1st grader has already started eating me out of house and home after school, and he's only 43 lbs! I don't know where he puts it.
ReplyDeleteI always wondered about that too, how these boys can eat and eat and never gain weight!!!
DeleteGrowing up with two sisters, I had no idea until I had a son how different from girls they were. When my sister and her two sons moved in with me, I learned the "value" of burps and farts. One little fart could cause uproarious laughter for an hour – I never would have guessed that bodily functions were so funny.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it with boys and farts??? And the belching contests to see who can do it the loudest…..
DeleteI have a teenage brother and he's driving me crazy. Great and funny list here. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're living right in the middle of then, aren't you? I feel for you! :)
DeleteHaha, these are great. I don't have kids, but I used to teach ninth grade English, so I heard all kinds of crazy things boys would utter on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteYikes----a teacher to 9th grade boys---you totally have my respect. I cannot even begin to imagine what it's like to have a whole bunch of boys in one class. I probably wouldn't survive.
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