Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: DeBie Hive

     I am SO EXCITED to introduce you to my new Wacky Wednesday Writers guest today! This lady holds a special place in my heart and I admire her more than she knows. Please say hello to Kelly DeBie, of I bonded with Kelly several months ago over some painful loses we've shared in our past and since that time, I've been in awe of her strength and compassionate heart. Kelly is the champion of many causes and has touched so many wounded souls with her kindness.  She has a wide variety of posts on her blog---some humorous, some poignant and often ones that are very informative. It's easy to see why she has been a mentor to so many mothers and bloggers. She is a remarkable writer who knows how to dig deep and make you think.
     Kelly is a beautiful person inside and out, and I am so grateful to have this awesome lady as a friend.  Please welcome her today with lots of comment love. Enjoy!

This is why we can't have nice things...or any of the things for that matter….

A few days ago, I reached down for my purse while I was stopped at a red light. I rifled through it a bit, looking for a piece of gum. My husband had just bought me a couple packages a few days before hand.

I didn't find one. Not a single piece.

When I got home, I went through my purse.  This is what I found.

- my wallet (thank god)
- three inhalers
- three single dose containers of benadryl liquid
- two unwrapped tampons, covered in crumbs
- two tampon wrappers that had been folded like origami
- one tube of chapstick with bite marks in it
- nail clippers
- three pens
- a bottle opener (don't judge)
- two hot wheels cars
- a tiny dinosaur
- three army guys
- two pairs of earrings, neither of which is mine
- fourteen receipts
- four expired coupons
- two completely empty packages of gum

I am, apparently, the keeper of all things. Except the things I would ever want or need, like a fresh unwrapped tampon or chapstick that hasn't been chewed on or a piece of gum.

Then I got to thinking about all the things that I can't have anymore. Forget the nice things, we all know that once you have kids you resign yourself to living in Target clearance rack clothing, vacationing at the local pool and considering anyplace you didn't cook as "going out to eat".  My furniture is all beat to hell, the walls aren't faring better, and don't even ask me about the floors in my house.

It's not just the nice clothes, fancy vacations and lavish dinners that we're missing. It's not just customized "distressed" furniture and stained carpets we have to live with.

It's the fact that I can't ever find any of the things, the totally ordinary things, that should be in my possession. Either I can't buy them, I can't ever find them, or I have to hide them like a ninja.

In no particular order...

* Gum - I like to chew gum, as horrid as a habit as it is, and as bad as it is for someone with a history of TMJ to do. Especially when I've made a run for the border and have onion breath or drank a pot of coffee and smell like a middle school science teacher, I'd like to have a piece on hand to mask my dragon breath.  But no. A package of gum lasts about as long as a can of Pringles in this house, and it doesn't matter where I try to stash it. They.Always.Find.It.

* Tape - I could buy six rolls of tape A DAY and there would never be any in the house. I'm fairly certain that the kids have a sixth sense about tape, and they can smell it when it's in the drawer. Ohhhhh, tape.....what can we tape???


Two minutes later, the tape is all gone.

* Pens - I buy pens in bulk. Monthly. I buy pens all the freaking time. We have a pen container on the side of the fridge which is where the pens are supposed to live when no one is using them. The pens? They grow legs and walk away. I NEVER have a pen, I can NEVER find a pen, and I can never find anything to write with that isn't a dull crayon when I'm on the phone and actually need to write something down.

* Scissors - What the hell happens to the scissors??? This is another thing I buy way too many of. I'm convinced there is an office supply troll under the stairs in the basement hoarding all the things. If you're lucky enough to locate a pair of scissors in this house when you need one, odds are the blades will be coated in dried ice pop goo and crusty yogurt from small people using them to open tubes of ooey goodness.

* Drinks - If I have any beverage in a cup with a lid and a straw, somehow the kids believe it belongs to them. My diet cherry cokes are pilfered, stolen, whisked away and sucked down like there are no drinks anywhere else in the free world and there will never be another soda for the rest of eternity. No, go ahead kid. I was totally done with that....and now that you backwashed, it's ALL yours. Have at it.

* Hairbrushes - Considering how rarely my daughters actually brush their hair, one would think that brushes should be easy to find. Not so! There have to be at least 20 hairbrushes in this house, but good luck finding one. You'll have to excuse the rat's nest.

* Girl Scout Cookies - I've hidden them in bathrooms, in the basement, under the kitchen sink, in the freezer, inside of other boxes in the pantry. To no avail. SOMEONE always finds them, and NO ONE ever knows who. Amazing how that works.

* Chocolate Chips - Candy, cookies or any other treat-like-food-items are fairly obvious, and when any of that finds it's way into my life, it quickly vanishes. Chocolate chips, however, were more surprising. More than once I have bought a bag to make cookies, and more than once I've found an empty bag stashed behind a box of crackers in the pantry, random chips rained down on every shelf below. It's your fault I don't make you cookies, you little chocolate thieves.

* Anything you'd actually need in the bathroom - Tampons, pads, ointments, creams, know....any of that stuff that you would like to be able to keep in the bathroom, but can't because if you do their radar will activate immediately. You'll find all the pads stuck to the wall or an entire box of tampons flushed or the cream and ointment squeezed all over the sink. Oh, and powder....that stuff gets everywhere. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can put that stuff in a sensible place. Noooooo. Plan accordingly. Or waddle. Either way.

* Good leftovers - This one might sound crazy, but just trust me. My children have been well trained to eat leftovers. Too well trained. If there is something good in the fridge, you'd best rise early and hide it.  Now that the oldest is in middle school and the cafeteria has microwaves, everything is fair game. Oh, all the times I have been giddy with anticipation at the idea of having leftover homemade pizza or something else awesome only to realize it was swiped hours earlier by some kid feasting it up at school.

What about you all?  What things can't you have anymore?


Kelly is a native of California transplanted to Colorado. She writes because it keeps her sane. She resists niches and writes about anything and everything that happens in life as she sees it, and is in the process of writing several books. If you aren't nice, she'll write about be nice.


  1. Kelly, this is so true... this is my house too and my daughter is 10, I am forever saying 'do you know where this or that is? Or why is this yicky mixture here, what is this empty wrapper oh and my favorite, where are all your clothes? When she tells me she has nothing to wear...Nothing is where it should be, I have to hide items too... thankfully I only have to hide it from one person, lol... Most times she still finds it.

  2. Hi,
    This is so true, the essentials like pens and tape and scissors are never to be found, you know you put them there, but thay are not there and will probably never turn up again, so you go out and buy more, and then the real irritating thing in our house is the minute you buy more, then the minute you buy more, then the others turn up.
    Thanks for this it is fantastic, and we all look as though we go through the same thing.
    I hope that you have a fantastic day.
    Love and best wishes.

  3. Hi,
    Me again. I love this and your blog so much that I am now following you in all ways that I can.
    I am very new to internet and blogging, so do not know how to connect with linkedin, but left a message for you.
    I hope that you have a really fantastic day.
    Love and best wishes

  4. Truer words have never been spoken. I have two boys and for some reason there is a spoon shortage in our house. As far as I know they are not addicted to coke, so my only explanation is they throw away the spoons after they eat me out of house and home with all of their pudding cups, ice cream, and various other items requiring a spoon.

  5. I LOVE Diet Cherry Coke!!! :)

    Amen to all of this!! Add in hair ties, towels, and significant PAPERS that I need NOW. Or anything else that is incredibly important...

    Yeah. I hear ya.

  6. I'm so with you on every point. I would add Ice cream. My oldest son would take a bowl downstairs, fill it with yummy, creamy deliciousness, eat said deliciousness, then rinse the bowl and spoon and leave them in the freezer for the next time. Never had to figure out who was pilfering the ice cream in our house. He always left a gi-normous calling card! I also think that ANYTHING left near the phone walks away. I'm considering leaving our mortgage there. Just to see what happens.

  7. Yep, this is how things are in my house. Especially the pens (and pencils). My god, it's a nightmare trying to write something around here!

  8. Thank you everyone for your comments! Seems this is a fairly common

  9. I can relate. Tape is the first one that hit home. Where the heck is the damn tape? I bet you've had to wrap Christmas packages (at least the last ones you wrap) using masking tape or worse yet duct tape! Someone mentioned spoons. I have a fourteen year old son, so I write these off to leaving them in his room. If I cared I would go lift the bedspread and probably find all the awol spoons on his floor! Your post hit home with this ol gal! Will look for more of your posts, as I am a Colorado gal as well (Silt, Colorado. On the Western slope, outside of Glenwood Springs). Carry on with your bad self!

  10. I have an 11-year-old boy, a diva Chihuahua, 3 cats, and 2 parakeets. I can no longer have any carpet in my house due to muddy foot prints by the boy, the diva peeing on it, one of my cats hurling constantly, and the damn birds throwing their seed everywhere.

    Oh, and porn. I can no longer have porn dvds in the house, for obvious reasons. (I'd wake up in the middle of the night to crazy goings-on with the diva and the cats.)

  11. Batteries. The batteries are always gone. I buy them ALL.THE.TIME. And they are EXPENSIVE. And it's ALWAYS my fault there are no batteries. My kids are in college now and it's STILL my fault. So no, it doesn't end with college. It just doesn't.
    Hilarious post.

  12. lol middle school science teachers DO smell like onions and coffee, how weird!!! :)

  13. Jeez, were my sister and I doing things like this to my mom? I can't remember but now I'm scared to ask. This post did make me laugh.



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