Friday, November 1, 2013

Meno Mama's Musings In The Shower

*Meno Mama is working on a special writing project at the moment, so I wanted to share one of my favorite guests posts that I wrote last summer for Penny Roach (in case you missed it) over at http://momrantsandcomfypants.wordpress.com.  I also have a new post up this week over at In The Powder Room.  Wanna know why Meno Mama can't fly? EVER? Check it out at: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-11-mile-high-club-not.html  Enjoy!!


     I remember the days when a long, hot shower was a rarity with four, small children running rampant through our house. I was a pro at doing my business in the bathroom and grabbing a quick shower in under five minutes—long before that obnoxious, purple dinosaur on T.V. finished singing the “I Love You” song to my mesmerized children. But even in those five minutes, I was consumed with worry that someone would be sticking a fork in an electrical outlet or doing their best Picasso imitation with indelible markers and spaghetti sauce on the dining room table.
     Now that my kids are older, I have the freedom to enjoy a long, hot, uninterrupted shower…and plenty of time to contemplate life’s little mysteries. My brain often hop-skips down the narrow lane between Weirdsville and Fantasy Island. Here’s an example of how my menopausal mind collage works while I’m showering:
     Damn, I need a tan. How did I get so pale? Someone’s going to mistake me for Orca The Whale if I go to the beach. Who am I kidding? I never swim at the beach anymore. I prefer to sit by the water and drink wine. LOTS of wine….so I can forget why I no longer own a bathing suit….Oh man, I’ve been neglecting my lady bits lately. Time to trim the garden. 
     And what’s up with my stomach? Why can’t someone invent home liposuction kits? Bet the seventeen-year-old could come up with something if he took our garden hose and hooked it up to some sort of suctioning device…..Sheesh! Whoever used the bathroom last should have used an air freshener. Why does poop have to smell so bad? Why couldn’t it smell like roses? Well, everybody would go around sniffing each other’s butts like dogs. Being called an a-hole would actually be a compliment…..The dogs are barking—is that the doorbell?
     Are you effing kidding me? It’s seven o’clock in the morning! But what if it’s Publisher’s Clearing House and I’m missing out on my ten million dollar prize? I could always throw on a towel and go out there…but if they saw me like this, they’d probably run screaming down the block and I’d never get my check. Wait…what if it’s that creepy, new neighbor with all the cats? Or a robber checking to see if anyone is home? He could be sneaking in right now and I wouldn’t even hear him. What if I pull back the shower curtain and he’s standing there with a knife in his hand? Stop it! You’re not in the middle of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Just think positive thoughts…like Pepperidge Farm cookies…sunsets on the beach…margaritas…Nutella. Ohhh, Nutella spread all over Pepperidge Farm cookies! No, no no! You’re on a diet, remember?
     Hmmm…my scalp itches. Wonder if it’s this new shampoo. Wasn’t the teenager scratching his head last night at the dinner table? Maybe lice? OH GOD, DO I HAVE LICE? Invasion of the scalp snatchers! No way. School’s been out for weeks now and the kid has only been hanging out with a few of his friends…but he has also been outdoors a lot lately. Do squirrels carry lice? They’re too cute to get lice. Wish I had a squirrel for a pet. He could sit on my shoulder and eat peanuts. I’d name him Jujubee. Or Stanley….Hey, why are there so many soap curds in the drain? Does no one else in this house know how to clean out a shower? It’s just like the dish drain. Nobody wants to touch that slimy mess of toxic waste. Oh crap, the water is getting cold. Time to get out. I wonder if there’s any Nutella in the pantry?
     And that, dear readers, is how the mind of a menopausal mama works. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to answer the door. There’s a man outside with a fistful of balloons and a large, cardboard check.





61 comments:

  1. Hahaha I seriously love your posts. They always make me smile. :)

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  2. My garden got so outta control it needed a weed wacker, so I went for laser hair removal. Best money ever spent.

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  3. OMG Deb you ALWAYS crack me up with your responses!!!

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  4. Too funny! I have some of the same thoughts.

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  5. Lol! You have quite an intricate mind there. I find myself in the middle of an Alfred Hitchcock movie once in a while... You are not alone ;)

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    1. I think I was traumatized by that Psycho shower scene when I saw it as a little kid!

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  6. Bwahahaha! I so love visiting you! I get my best ideas in the shower. Of course I can't remember them after I towel off. Oh, and also, that's where I do my best singing . . .

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    1. Me too! But only when no one else is home.....hoping my voice will scare off any intruders!

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    2. I'm with you! I'm a writer like Meno Mama and sometimes when I'm stuck on a story, or a plot detail, I take a shower and....poof! (Or maybe 'splash'... :) Problem solved! :)

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  7. Replies
    1. It's an interesting time in life, that's for sure!

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  8. When do the long showers start again? lol.... your mind is always interesting Marcia... you make me laugh... I love visiting your blog ;-)

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    1. And it makes my day to see you here, Launna. You are so sweet to visit me all the time! XO

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  9. That's so funny. I had two really big guys standing outside my door and I was in nothing but a towel. I stood as still as I could if I would have moved, they woulda saw me. I have a feeling it wasn't Publisher's Clearing House.

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  10. HI MM! Now, lets remember who your good friends are in this moment of triumph....ah-hem. Blog friends included!

    I remember reading somewhere that writers get great ideas while busy doing something else...like showering. When else would you decide to get a squirrel? And have names picked out too? Your mind is working it overtime, girl :)

    Oh, and pass that Nutella....
    Hugs, Ceil

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    1. Come on over, Ceil---I make some GREAT Nutella & peanut butter brownies----awesome with a cup of coffee!

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  11. Funny post!!! Yup, long hot showers get my muse going.

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    1. I'm beginning to think that if I get writer's block again, I'm going to have to take a lot of showers.....

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  12. OMG! You said it all here, didn't you? I can relate to every sentence!! Thanks for the memories (some good and some not so good!)

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    1. Hahaha I know what you mean.....glad you enjoyed the post!

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  13. I always keep my head up when I'm in the shower - it's less depressing.

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    1. I think I need to take your advice here.....

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  14. I seem to do my worst/best thinking in the shower. I wonder why that is?

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    1. I'm not sure, but the same thing happens when I'm on the treadmill. I have to keep repeating the words in my head for thirty minutes until I can get to my car and write it down!!!

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  15. This is exactly what I do when I'm driving. I'll get to my destination and not remember anything after pulling out of the garage! You always make me smile:)

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    1. Isn't it scary when that happens? I do the same, and it frightens me how the brain just goes into autopilot when I drive. So glad you like visiting here, Pinky--I appreciate the love! XO

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  16. Oh, that crazy nut mad film scene gets me every time. Any little noise I hear, I'm out that shower pretty fast with a flight or fight response, no joke. And I'm so glad our poo smells. I'd hate to spend all day smelling the backsides of my colleagues, family and friends ha ha ha.

    I must pop over to the Powder Room and check out the other link you gave. Don't want to miss what Mama's been doing and I'm always up for a good belly laugh, it adds to my health.

    Now, how many zero's did that cheque have? :)

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    1. Shhhh...don't tell everyone our little pay off secret RPD, mmkay? YOU are the one who makes me smile, my friend!

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  17. You are a bit crazy! I like that! I also get a bit freaked when I am home alone and in the shower and hear something. I think we all do.

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    1. Yup. That's me. One wild and crazy lady!

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  18. "Time to trim the garden." Gotta Love It!!! Ha... Have a great weekend, Slu

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  19. My garden is a continual work in progress - never, never, ending whacking and trimming is all I do and I don't dare stop. I have yet to see the person at the door with balloons and a huge check - maybe my luck will change, yeah, like when squirrels don't have lice!

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    1. Holy crap! Squirrels get lice? Say WHAA???

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  20. cute post!

    http://www.facebook.com/AmandaChicFashionRoomLounge?ref=hl
    twitter & instagram : @fashionrlounge
    Fashion room lounge

    A chic kiss ;)

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    1. Thanks, Amanda! I'll be stopping by to check out your blog soon!

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  21. I tried commenting on your Powder Room blog 3 times, but it wouldn't let me post. Oh, well. Here's me trying again. This time I want to tell you that our minds are so much alike – I invented the home liposuction kit too! Only mine involved a numbing ointment, a carpet knife, a vacuum cleaner, and surgical tape.

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    1. I want to hear that story! Perhaps you could share it on my WWW post?

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  22. Hahahaha!!! I am much like that in the shower as well....especially the serial killer behind the curtain when I am alone in the house!!! Love it!!!

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  23. Don't see the attraction of long showers, I'm in and out in ten minutes. However, if I'd known what a good blog post I could get out of it, I might have started taking longer ones.

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    1. And all this time I thought men took long showers for a totally different reason....

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  24. Omg.. When the doorbell rings and I'm in the shower I just always assume it's a serial killer and my only hope is that he'll open the shower door immediately go blind giving me just enough time to escape and run screaming wildly into the streets NAKED!

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    1. Of course....ALL serial killers just wait until we get into the shower to come after us....

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  25. lovely post..
    http://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com

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  26. If Publishers Clearing House pulled up, I'd go out running, never mind the towel... I'd not want them to leave with my check! hehehe

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    1. yes--it just might be worth flashing the world on national TV after all.....

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  27. Yes! For the love of god where are the home lipo kits? That is an industrial size tub of Nutella. Need to get me one.

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    1. Sad to think that size tub of Nutella would only last 24 hours in my home.....

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  28. LOL I think you were reading my mind. LOL. Thanks for making me smile. I really needed that. I am a new follower and look forward to more laughs. Hope you have a wonderful week.

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    1. Thank you, Darlene! If I brought a smile to your day, then I have done my job! :-)

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  29. Have you noticed that the PCH man never shows up at an apartment? Hmm it makes you wonder LOL.

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  30. You look like *Orca*? Orca looks like he fell asleep under an overhanging cliff or something, hence the funky black-and-white colour. Did you, like, fall asleep under the wine rack or something? :)

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    1. I meant that I was the SIZE of Orca, but yes---I could also say I fell asleep under a bottle of merlot and a chardonnay....

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  31. Geez, you have an eventful bathroom experience. I just read a post about "being present in the moment". I think you need some of that in your life Meno. Get in that bathtub, feel that warm water envelope your body and soul and just relax girl! I actually relax so hard in there that I nod off...

    *Oh no, what if I drown!*

    Lol... Try and relax my lady... Hug....

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