Okay, I'll admit it. I have a little blog crush on today's guest, Michael Mele, author of TWO blogs: http://the-nerdy-side-of-life.blogspot.com and http:// the-insane-asylum.blogspot.com. Michael just GETS my warped sense of humor because we are cut from the same cloth. This guy never fails to make me laugh out loud and ask, "Did he really just SAY THAT?!?" Michael is a fearless blogger---he writes about private things we THINK about but never discuss in polite company. I love the way his twisted mind works and would give my left kidney for an ounce of his humor. He's one of my favorite bloggers out there and I cherish our friendship because underneath all the snark is a soft teddy bear whom I adore. I think you will, too. Please give this awesome blogger some comment love and be sure to check out both of his blogs. Need an extra kidney, Michael?
“This
Old Man”
I'm
going to be an old man with triple Ds, and I don't mean the ones on
some floozy’s chest who's trying to steal my bingo winnings, but
rather drool, diapers and dentures, baby.
I’m
going to hire Xzibit from Pimp My Ride to pimp my stairlift, because
I want it to do more than just stairs; I want it to take me all
around the house with some speed and some flare, and if you are in my
way, I will run you over in the blink of an eye.
I’ll
walk around with an M60 machine gun as my cane, the bullets wrapped
around my arm like a blood pressure cuff. The mere sight
of me will have all those young punks crapping their underoos and
thinking twice before messing with this old man.
I’m
also going to have my grandkids call me something cool--- none of that
corny cliché stuff. I want a name that represents who I am and what
I’m about; something like grand pimp pa…..what do you think?
You
can keep all that walker nonsense, too. F’ those stupid tennis balls
on the legs, because I’m going to be rocking a 4 wheeler for my
means of transportation, and if you don’t like it, you can just kiss
my ass when I fly by.
When
people see me coming down their street they’ll avoid me like as if
I was a bill collector and their asses were delinquent; like as if I
was a Jehovah Witness with a police door ram or like as if I was a
homeless man begging for change on the side of the road…you get the
picture.
I’ll
put your lights out like an unpaid light bill; you will get blasted
by a badass bastard that smells of Bengay and moldy cheese.…nuff
said.
I’m
going to be the dirty old man who is molesting all the nurses in the
doctor’s office while I’m getting my annual physical--- popping
Viagra before coming in just to make sure my raisined pickle is
standing strong and tall.I want them all to know that just because
there’s snow on the roof doesn’t mean there’s no fire in the
furnace.
I
would also make sure to slather on the Old Spice and smooth out all
my wrinkles so I look fine as a mutha. I would be like the Brad Pitt
of old people and on the cover of “Old People” as the sexiest senior
alive.
I'm
not going to be the cranky old man who is constantly yelling at all
the brats to get off my lawn; if those bastards come up on my
property they are going to get bombed with my soiled Depends.
Go
ahead and call the cops on me, it’s all good; I’ll just get off
because I’m old and senile…take that, bitches!
I’m
not going to be one of those weak old men who don’t know what’s
going on in the world around them, I’m also not going to be telling
stories about walking to school, miles in the snow with no shoes on
my feet. I’m going to be a straight up old man thug with AARP
tattooed across my chest wrapped in barbwire.
And
then I woke up, realizing I’m in a retirement home, sporting
bedsores and eating my checkers, wishing I had some more of that good
shit so I could go back to dreamland where I was the bombdiggity.
BIO:
Who's MJM, well let me ask the voices in my head, I am someone who likes to laugh and who does not take life too seriously.
There is no rhyme or reason to my ramblings, there is no method to my madness, I write for fun and for the entertainment of the people who are not uptight and not afraid to have a good time.
I currently write two blogs, one for the mentally insane person "The Insane Asylum" and one for the nerd "The Nerdy Side of Life", feel free to stop by anytime.
I like you Michael. Let me know what swanky joint you are planning to spend your golden years in 'cause I would love to swing by to get a lil' smack on my ass. It's been awhile. I'm turning the big 5-0 next month and I can't wait 'cause I figure by then I've earned the right to flip everybody the double bird.
ReplyDeleteGirl I will be all over the place like an STD...there won't be no stopping this O.G. (Old Gramps) baby!
DeleteGo on and show them punks who's number one...hold one finger up on each hand and waive them proudly.
By the way...there is no way in H E double hockey sticks that you're turning the big 5-0...so stop lying.
Definitely funny... I want to be the hip grandmother... I'm not going to give in so easily either..I hope I don't wake up in the old home too ;-)
ReplyDeleteFight the power girl, don't let people hold you down...well that is unless they have a gun, because than staying down would be a good thing.
DeleteHaha, ahhh... thanks for the laugh... I am following you on Bloglovin now :)
DeleteAnytime my friend. You rock!
DeleteOh, I laughed! When I got to the 'bombing with soiled Depends' I spit orange juice on my screen! That's me. Going but definitely not forgotten! I'll high five as my four-wheeler meets yours. Game of chicken, anyone?
ReplyDeleteGood to know I'm in good company my friend. We should start a gang, we could be the senior chapter of the Hell's Angels...what do you think? We could show those young punks who's in charge, even it that means splitting some wigs with our canes.
DeleteNow THIS is what. I call a retirement plan! I'm too lazy *now* so I'll have to just read about it your OG blog!!
ReplyDeleteThe "man" may consider me retired, but I'm just about to turn this mutha out...there is nothing tired about this old man!
DeleteGreat stuff Michael - in fact, before you woke up, you sounded like a replica of my father.
ReplyDeleteNo way, your pops was off the chain like that? That would be freaking awesome!
DeleteGirl you know I keep it real, if you're uptight and get easily butt-hurt than my writing is not for you.
ReplyDeleteNow what exactly do you do with these old men? Sounds kind of fun...are you the naughty nurse who gives them sponge baths...oh behave.
You down with G.P.P. yeah you know me! You're going to be one of those crazy trigger happy seniors fighting with the Macklemores of the time over your Cosby sweaters.
ReplyDeleteCosby sweaters...you better kill all that noise with a quickness! I'm gonna be rocking Armani up in this joint.
DeleteYou keep poppin' that Viagra honey, and I'll be seeking you out in the old folks home. I might be a cranky old lady (cause I'm a cranky middle-aged lady right now), but I imagine I'll still like to tango. Ahem. Love this post.
ReplyDeleteGirl hit me up any time...my digits are 1-900-MIX-ALOT.
DeleteI'm a mentally insane nerd-I get to read both of his blogs! HA HA! MJ I always knew you had a dirty old man in you, GPP. LOL. Don't be throwing any depends at me...
ReplyDeleteGirl you are so freaking awesome! Mentally insane nerd...I love it. You know I would never hit you with soiled Depends, you're my hero.
DeleteMichael, you're going to be one awesome old person, unless you go near my Jagermeister at the old folks' home, because I will @#%$&in' KILL you if you touch my Jag....It'll be hard enough keeping the Menopausal Mother's moldy mitts out of my liquor nightstand :) And *my* pill organizer will be for Zoloft, Benzedrine, barbies and oh, I don't know, maybe the occasional LSD tab. With pictures of all the Golden Girls on them. :)
ReplyDeleteI may just wait until your passed out from too much Jagermeister and then help myself to your liquor nightstand and pill organizer, by the time you come to your sense and want to fight about it I'll be too F'ed up to notice and/or care.
DeleteSounds like my kind of guy! Demented and a bit nuts. A bit of a boozer. A true man of the world. I think we would get along quite well.
ReplyDeleteMichael is all that and more….which is why I love him to bits! I'll bet you two would get along famously. Be sure and check out his blog sites when you get a chance!
DeletePhil I am definitely 12 donuts short of a dozen...I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not, but I'm making the best of the hand I've been dealt.
DeleteMama you are freaking awesome!