Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, five bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes to see what goes on behind closed doors.

     The fly at our house is going a little stir crazy since our town is pretty much on lockdown due to COVID-19. No restaurants, schools, bars. gyms....and even our beaches here in South Florida are closed. You know things must be bad when even your adult kids choose to hang out at your house on a Saturday night to play cards because THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO. But the good news is, the gatherings offer some pretty funny conversations:


"Eat as many carbs as you want, dear. Calories from stress eating definitely do NOT count when you are quarantined for the Coronavirus."

"It's understandable that we have to keep washing our towels during this virus, but why do the wet towels left overnight in the washing machine smell like death in the morning?"
"They died from the virus."

"I just stress-ate all three packages of the Hot Tamale Peeps and now my colon will never be the same."
"Have fun with that since there's no toilet paper to be found in the stores."


"Where are my car keys? Who took my damn car key?!? Oh wait---- they're right here..... in my hand."
"Forget about the keys----call the doctor instead. You're either feverish from COVID-19 or you're already exhibiting signs of early dementia."

"I almost took one of the dog's chemo pills by accident instead of my antibiotics. I probably would have grown a third arm out of my back if I'd taken it."
"Yeah, and that new arm would also have Carpal Tunnel."

"Social Distancing? Awesome! I finally have an excuse to avoid all the idiots in my life."

"There's only one solution to getting around town and staying virus-free. We need to learn how to levitate."
"That skill will definitely come in handy in five years when you're too old to walk anymore."

"When they were testing the basketball players for the Coronavirus, they found that a lot of the guys only had 3% body fat. I have more than that in one earlobe."


"I was looking on Amazon for arch supports, and the ad right next to it was for filet knives. Am I supposed to trim my arches?"
"Yeah, they did it that way so that you can make Filet of Sole."

"I predict three things from the outcome of the COVID-19 quarantine: A boom in births in December, a higher demand for therapists and anxiety meds, and everyone on the planet will have the cleanest homes this world has ever seen."

     Hope this Fly Post brought you some smiles during these trying times. Stay safe, my friends. Sending virtual hugs to all!

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm so excited to share the news that I had my very first humor piece published in Slackjaw! I had a blast writing it, too! It's called, THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF WHILE BUILDING AN IKEA ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.

***I also have my first humor piece published on Manopause, which you can read here: THE LITTLE WHITE LIES MIDDLE-AGED MEN TELL THEMSELVES

***As always, I have new work on CONSIDERABLE this week. You can read all of my articles for them here: https://www.considerable.com/contributor/marcia-kester-doyle/

    Several years ago when I was complaining to a friend that menopause was sapping me of all my energy, she told me she had a secret weapon to staying active all day. I asked if she was making her coffee extra strong in the morning or if she had just discovered a new way to survive on only three hours of sleep. That's when she told me about  Celsius, a HEALTHY energy drink that gives you an extra boost during the day and burns 100 or more calories per serving.

     I've never been a fan of energy drinks---the artificial ingredients have always scared me away. The few I tried tasted like overly-sugared drinks from a Kiddie party and left me feeling jittery and restless. My friend promised that Celsius was different, and she gave me a can of the Sparkling Orange flavor. I drank it with my lunch that afternoon, and was surprised by how delicious and refreshing the beverage was.

     Within thirty minutes of drinking the can of Celsius, I was wide awake and ready to get back to work. I couldn't believe the difference it made in my energy level!  I went out that afternoon and bought several more cans, and have been drinking Celsius ever since.

ABOUT THE DRINK:

     Celsius drinks are certified gluten-free, contain no sugar or preservatives, no high fructose corn syrup, no aspartame, no artificial flavors or colors and it only contains low amounts of sodium. Celsius contains a proprietary blend of ingredients such as green tea, EGCG, ginger, calcium, chromium, caffeine, guarani, and vitamins B & C, which work together to provide 93% greater fat loss, plus improved cardio fitness and endurance. Best of all? It's the world's first negative calorie drink and the winner of 15 International Awards!

     Celsius comes in five flavors: Sparkling Orange, Peach Mango Green Tea, Sparkling Wildberry, Sparkling Cola, and Raspberry Acai Green Tea. My personal favorites are the orange and cola flavors.

     Another thing I love about this energy drink is that it's available in powder form, too. You can buy it in a canister with a pre-measured scoop, OR, even more convenient, 14 on-the-go sticks in a box (Flo Fusion Pre-Workout Formula). Just add one stick of powder to your water and you're ready to go to the gym, to work, on a road trip or anywhere else you might need an extra boost of energy during the day. Celsius Flo Fusion is powered by scientifically tested, calorie burning MetaPlus and is clinically proven to enhance metabolism and to burn 100 calories or more with each serving.  *Studies published in the International Society of Sports Nutrition show that Celsius Flo Fusion, when combined with moderate exercise, will significantly increase fat loss, endurance and cardio fitness.*

     Celsius is available just about everywhere that energy drinks are sold. You can find it in various grocery chain stores, drugstores and vitamin shops.

A CELEBRITY FAVORITE:  

     There are quite a few celebrities who are fans of Celsius. To name a few:

Mario Lopez
Flo Rida
Blake Koch
Sofia Vergara
Leann Rimes
Russell & Kimora Simmons
Neil Patrick Harris
Howie Mandel
Jordin Sparks

MY EXPERIENCE WITH CELSIUS:

     I've been drinking Celsius for several years now and still love the product---so much so, that I've been handing out packets to my friends at the gym for them to sample. Every person I have introduced to Celsius has become a huge fan of the drink. I've even given it to several of the Zumba instructors in my class and now they carry packets with them to stay energized throughout the day.

     Who else would benefit from this drink? Parents of young children who find it difficult to stay awake during the day after only a few hours of sleep the night before. People who work long hours at a time. Mid-lifers who find themselves more tired as they get older. Menopausal women who battle fatigue daily (loss of energy is a common symptom of menopause). This product is perfect for ANYONE who needs an extra boost during the day or who wants to lose weight and enhance their metabolism. **Celsius is NOT recommended for people who are caffeine sensitive, children under 18, or women pregnant or nursing.

SUMMARY:

     Celsius did not ask me to write this review; I actually approached them and offered to write the post because I LOVE the product and wanted to spread the word to all of my friends who are struggling with fatigue and/or weight loss. In return, Celsius was kind enough to send me a big box of samples and information so that I could share it with my readers. Do yourself a favor and pick up a can (or a Flo Fusion stick) and try this tasty beverage. I promise, you'll discover a big boost in your energy levels and will most likely lose a few pounds if you combine a healthy diet and exercise plan with your Celsius. Enjoy!

***For more information, visit the Celsius website at: celsius.com or their Facebook page.

 
    Little white lies. We're all guilty of using them, whether it's to protect someone's feelings or to get out of attending the fifth Pampered Chef party invitation we've received in a month. We stretch the truth on the internet to make our lives sound more interesting. We tell our teens that our wallets have more cobwebs in them than an Egyptian tomb to avoid paying for a concert we secretly don't want them to attend.

     White lies are used to avoid the truth about ourselves and our loved ones. We use them to validate our actions, manipulate situations in our favor and to help sidestep conflict with others.

     Many of my female friends are very sensitive to the feelings of others and confess to using white lies whenever necessary. For instance, they would rather shave their heads than tell their husbands that they really didn't want a nose hair trimmer for a birthday gift, or that their friend's expensive bridesmaid dress looks more like a gunny sack dunked in a vat of Grey Poupon.


     My own mother is guilty of telling me little white lies when I was a child.  "If you eat all your carrots, you'll always have good eyesight"…. WRONG. I consumed more carrots in my youth than the entire rabbit population at the local pet store, and I'm still sporting 2.5 readers.  She also told me that calves liver is an acquired taste. Thirty years later and I still gag when I smell it frying in a pan with onions.

     Here's a list of the typical white lies that many women tell themselves:


*I'm only baking these chocolate chip cookies for the kids.

*All I need is five more minutes of sleep, and then I'll get out of bed.

*The kids won't notice we're eating leftover tuna casserole two nights in a row if I bury it under a mound of cheese.

*I refuse to give away my size 6 clothing because I'm sure I can lose these last 20 pounds of baby weight.

*My husband doesn't need me to remind him that our anniversary is coming up.

*I don't waste time on Facebook or Pinterest.

*I can quit eating sugar and salt anytime.

*My husband won't notice that I spent a fortune on yoga clothes but haven't been to the gym in six months.

*One more glass of wine won't affect me.

*I'm not sleeping…. I'm just resting my eyes.

*My husband will never see the extra charges from the Ikea store on our credit card bill.

 *I'll wake up early tomorrow to finish the project.

*My co-workers won't care if I re-heat broccoli in the lunchroom.

*The kids won't mind if we use their inheritance to invest in a billy goat farm.

*My husband won't notice that I haven't had time to wash my hair in three days.

*I'll start my diet on Monday.

*My daughter won't be angry if I tag her on Facebook with an old photo from her awkward, prepubescent years.

*The calories from the bites off my husband's dinner plate don't count.

*I'm sure my boss will be understanding when I call out of work for the third time this week with a sick toddler.

*I dance so much better after several vodka martinis.

*Just one more bite and then I'll stop.

*No way was she born with a perfect body like that.

*My son won't mind if I show his new girlfriend twenty hours of old family videos.

*I swear I didn't eat the last slice of pizza. It must have been the dog.

*I'm only going to watch one more episode of Orange Is The New Black on Netflix before I go to bed.

*I don't need to write down that information because I have a mind like a steel trap.

*I can't understand why I'm not loosing any weight. I haven't cheated on my diet at all.

*My husband won't be disappointed when I claim another headache for the third night in a row.

*I can't throw away my collection of Hello Kitty socks---they might be worth a lot of money one day.

*Of course I'm on my way there. I left ten minutes ago.


*I'll buy these jeans one size smaller because I know I'll fit into them eventually.

*No, really, you don't have to get me anything for my birthday.

*My life would be perfect if I won the lottery.

*I don't snore.

*It's perfectly acceptable to steal chocolate from my kids' Easter baskets and hide in the bathroom to eat it.

*I'll be ready to go in just a few minutes.

*Of course I love your new hairstyle. That purple mohawk really brings out your eye color.



     If ten or more of these apply to you, welcome to the Little White Liar's club. Now pass me that plate of cookies---- the kids won't notice if we eat them all. We can always blame it on the dog.

   
Today Meno Mama is unveiling a brand new award dubbed the "Squirrely Blogger Award." If you've been reading my blog for some time, you already know that along with my love for Nutella and wine, I also have an obsession with squirrels.  My house is a menagerie of squirrel paraphernalia and my backyard is inhabited by colonies of the little furry rodents. It was only natural that I choose a squirrel for my badge design when I decided to create this award. But I couldn't have done it without the creativity of my teenage son and my bloggy buddy Jon Whiting. Jon is an incredibly gifted photographer and he has the most extensive collection of squirrel photos I have ever seen ( I know this because I stalk his critter photos often). Jon was kind enough to allow me the use of his squirrel photos to pick the one that worked best for my award badge.
     Why squirrels? Because aside from being ridiculously cute, they're nutty and quirky. They can suck up seeds and nuts faster than a Hoover vacuum, and they have a playful, feisty nature that I respect. They remind me of several bloggers I know. It is in this spirit of nuttiness that I have chosen 10 bloggers to pass this award down to. All I ask is that they name 7-10 quirky facts about themselves, and then pass the award along to 7-10 other squirrely bloggers.


10 SQUIRRELY FACTS ABOUT MENO MAMA

1.  I dont like to cuddle while I am sleeping. Don't "spoon" a menopausal woman during a hot flash or you may lose a  limb.

2.  I always look like I am in mourning because my wardrobe is mostly black. The majority of my underwear is purple. Between the two, I look like a giant bruise.

3.  I decided a long time ago that calories don't count if nobody sees me eating them. They're ghost calories.

4.  With all the men in my house, I bought stock in Febreze to counteract the mix of gaseous clouds that permeate my home.

5.  I burn plumeria incense in my house and pretend that I am in Hawaii. This annoys The Hubs because it reminds him of high school in the 1970's when he couldn't get a girlfriend. He has flashbacks of being a wallflower at basement parties in Missouri when all the other teenagers were busy making out. I've discovered that incense makes a great spouse repellent.


6.  I don't flush the toilet every time I pee, and this also annoys The Hubs because he says it gets his nut sack wet when he uses the bathroom after me.  I am now being blamed for Wet Ball Syndrome.

7.  Now that I have adopted yet another animal and brought it into our home, The Hubs and The Teenager realize that they have just dropped down another notch in the food chain.

8.  I don't fly.  An I.V. drip with vodka or a Prozac-laced chocolate bar will not get me on a plane, either....but a seat next to Johnny Depp will.

9.  Two years ago I didn't know how to turn on a computer. Now I can't turn it off. My addiction has resulted in laundry piles the size of the Himalaya mountain range and dinners consisting of freezer-burned hotdogs sandwiched between stale rolls. I won't even mention that pesky bout of hook worms our pugs recently had....

10.  I decided I was drinking too much wine on the weekends, so to counteract it, I bought rotgut wine and mix it half and half with water.  Instead of drinking four glasses of wine, I now drink eight. I'm smart like that.




10 BLOGGERS SQUIRRELY ENOUGH TO DESERVE THE AWARD

http://Bakinginatornado.com
http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com
http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com
http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com
http://mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
http://trashyblog.com
http://homeonderanged.com
http://justkeepinitrealfolks.com
http://theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com
http://badwordmama.blogspot.com

     Be sure to check out my awesome bloggy friends and you'll understand why they deserve this award!

***Meno Mama was recently featured on Generation Fabulous at http://bit.ly/12FAqEQ and In The Powder Room at http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/momsrock/2013-07-6-good-things-about-raising-teenage-boys.html Please visit the sites, leave some comment love and share it on Facebook and Twitter with your friends. There might be a jar of Nutella in it for you....