I'm doing the happy dance today on Wacky Wednesday Writers because I have one of my favorite funny bloggers guesting on the site! Please welcome Stephanie from http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com! Not only do her Facebook statuses and blog posts keep me in stitches, this girl VLOGS and the camera just loves her! She is beautiful, sweet and funny, and I adore the way she expresses herself. Hey, she's an English teacher, so you KNOW her writing is good! Stephanie has a large following already and I predict a LOT of success for this talented lady. Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site and share some comment love!
Have you ever wondered how some people
are legally permitted to function amongst the rest of us? I have.
Often. And every day, I find myself impressed by the sheer stupidity
that surrounds us. From the a-hole in line at the grocery store who
sighs loudly at the prospect of having to wait her turn (seriously,
go to the self-check-out and shut up) to the bunghole who allows his
dog to dump in my yard, half-heartedly cleans it up, and leaves
behind remnants of grossness that will find their way into the tread
of my kids’ shoes. The level of “sweet Jesus you’re a moron!”
is kicked up a notch every day.
It only gets worse when these kinds of
people are behind the wheel. I cannot tell you how often I see a
fellow driver and want to revoke his license on the spot because
GOODLORDINHEAVEN he’s going to kill someone. So I took it upon
myself to highlight a few of the ignored lesser
known laws that are to dictate our roadways. This list pertains to,
but is not limited to, cars, trucks, SUVs, those little tiny cars
that don’t look real but they are, quads and other ATVs,
motorcycles, and golf carts. I ask that we all adhere to the
following as to make driving a safe and non-blood boiling experience
for everyone, mostly me:
- Turn Signal. Let’s break this down: a signal is an indication that something is about to happen. A turn is a change in your car’s direction. As such, a turn signal should be an early indication of a car’s deviation from its original course. So, please, please: use your turn signal. And I don’t mean just as you’re about to make your turn; I’m talking about far enough in advance to let those behind you know you’re turning. Otherwise, I will be all up in your ass. And by in your ass, I mean in your trunk because TURN SIGNAL.
- The Yield Sign. This is a tricky one. It’s not quite stopping, yet it’s not quite going. We should rename it the “take a look before speeding through it” sign. Maybe then people would understand what to do once they’re face-to-face with that confusing upside down triangle.
- The Turning Lane. I personally love me some turning lanes. They’re super convenient and allow the flow of traffic to keep on…well, flowing. Unless, of course, some stupidface doesn’t know how to properly utilize the turning lane and comes to a full stop in the regular lane of traffic causing my blood pressure to push through the car roof and explode onto the pavement. I mean, really, is it so difficult to merge 5 feet over to make your turn? If you’ve answered yes to that question, punch yourself in the face and put your license in the nearest paper shredder.
- Pulling Out. Did you just giggle when you read “pulling out?” It’s okay, me, too. Anyway, this is pretty subjective. When are you far enough away to effectively pull out in front of another car? Here’s a general rule of thumb: if you pulling out causes the oncoming car to slam on her brakes and scream curse words to the universe, you’re probably too close for the successful pull-out. That said, if you do somehow manage to get on the road without me rear-ending you, for the love of all that is holy, DRIVE. Don’t slow down and sight-see. Don’t decide at that moment you have to fiddle with the radio dial or find your cell phone that probably went flying into the backseat as a result of the high rate of speed with which you cut me off. DRIVE LIKE THE WIND because I am behind you, under the assumption that you are trying to tend to an emergency situation where you will save someone’s life. Why else would you be driving like such an idiot?
- The Speed Limit: Unlike the topic of pulling into traffic, the speed limit is much more objective. As in, it’s explicitly stated so follow it. I admit it: sometimes I speed. Yes, I exceed the posted speed limit and no, I’ve no particular place to go. I’m not perfect. But know what I don’t do? I don’t ride the car in front of me tighter than a pair of hip-huggers whilst traveling the legal rate of speed. Why? Because I’m not a douche. If you’re in that big of a hurry that the speed limit doesn’t apply to you, buy a helicopter and piss off.
- Stoplights: Another admission: sometimes I look forward to red lights so I can finish jamming to a song before reaching my destination or <GASP> check my email on my phone. But I am well aware of my position at the red light, and fully anticipate that sometime in the near future it’s going to…say it with me…TURN GREEN! And if you’re anything like my 2-year-old, you understand that green means GO! So, go. Seriously, GOOOOOOO! Quit filing your nails, picking your nose, or texting your BFF. You can do it, put your back into it, and GO.
If you don’t want to buckle up, I’m
not going to lose sleep. You don’t want to fix your tail light?
Whatevs. But when it concerns the well-being (and sanity) of others’
on the road, I kinda feel like we should all try to follow the laws
and keep one another safe. I don’t know; maybe I’m a hopeless
romantic. Listen, I won’t go the distance and slap a “Baby on
Board” bumper sticker onto my Chevy Traverse, but if I’m pushed
to the limit, I may start carrying tomatoes and other foods that
splatter nicely onto passing by windshields. You have been warned.
Stephanie loves words, hates math, and has a penchant for making people uncomfortable with her honesty. An English teacher by trade and a smack-talker by nature, Stephanie’s family often tires of listening to her speak. Fortunately, her blog,WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion, affords an acceptable medium to verbally vomit all over the Interwebs. She has written other stuff for different sites, but no one cares. You should be her pal on Facebook and Twitter because that’s what a decent person would do.
Written like a true English teacher! I think you need to start your own traffic school. I'd totally attend if you were teaching it, even though I follow all the rules! Love this post Stephanie!
ReplyDeletePS-I totally giggled at "pulling out" too, because I'm sophisticated like that.
ReplyDeleteI like to think I'm a 12-year-old boy trapped in a 32-year-old pregnant woman's body. Wait...that's weird.
DeleteI love this post because I'm the Queen of Road Rage, especially when someone pulls out in front of me and either their car doesn't have enough horse power to go the speed limit or their foot can't push the gas pedal. They always get a good loud dose of my horn as I ride their bumper for a few miles.
ReplyDeleteI want a special horn for those people. It will yell instead of honk, but I haven't decided WHAT it will yet just yet ;)
DeleteI love Stephanie!! And guess what? On this post, you had me hooked at "bunghole." One of my parents' favorite words ever, and I do believe you used it aptly here. Hilarious, as usual--and so true!!
ReplyDeleteBunghole is completely underrated, isn't it?!
DeleteWhat do you know about pulling out? You're pregnant.
ReplyDeleteHA!!!!!! Well played, m' lady. Well played.
DeleteI would add one thing to your list: STOP ON RED. We have so many red-light-runners that we actually have to wait at a light when it changes to green, just to make sure someone isn't going to t-bone us when we get into the intersection.
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame that even needs to be mentioned, right? HOW do these people have a license?! *breathes into a paper bag.*
DeleteI totally snickered at "pulling out." This should be posted at the DMV- love it!
ReplyDeleteTee hee!!!
DeleteOh, I know these feelings. To a quiver. Great post!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Diane!!!
DeleteStopping by from FB Bloppy Bloggers! Great post and nice to meet you!
ReplyDeleteHi, Sarah! You'll have to check out more of Meno Mama's fabulous! Hope you stuck around to breathe in the goodness :)
DeleteYou might have been in back of me! I arrived home today by the help of my "chauffeur," my 16 year-old daughter. She is still learning so I think to some degree she probably violated all of the above. However, she was better than a lot of drivers on the road! I don't trust a lot of drivers on the road today mainly because of texting. I've seen way to many near misses to make me comfortable. Even as a runner, I only run on roads that have a little bit of traffic because I've almost been hit a few times.
ReplyDeleteNicole, your new driver totally gets a pass! She has to start somewhere. That said, if she ends up like one of these drivers, we'll need to talk ;) GOOD LUCK with the lessons!
DeleteOh my god..you're right green means go. I must sceam that phrase at least once a day!! Great post.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we should make stoplights that not only change color, but scream out when a driver is to do something: 'STOP YOU MORON!' 'PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL!' I think we've just changed the face of driving.
DeleteSomeone HAD to tell them!!
ReplyDeletePS:what about the "hat drivers"? Elderly men, either wearing their hats while driving or decorating their rear shelf with their hat? They drive at the exact same speed, no matter what the signs say. So they end up going too slow or too fast. Annoying either way!
Ohmygod, or the stuffed animals in the rear shelf. YES. Let's add those people to the list!
DeleteHAHA. ALL DRIVERS suck except for maybe me. Oh and you. Because yes! Hilarious!!! Loved it! Also? sometimes I look forward to red lights to check my blog, and Twitter, which seems the same but worse ;(
ReplyDeleteOh it's definitely not us, Kristi ;)
DeleteThat's why I never drive or else I'd be doing a lot of swearing If I see annoying drivers on the streets
ReplyDeleteI would love to have someone else drive me around. My blood pressure would drop a hundred points and I would have my hands free to do important things like tweeze my eyebrows in the natural lighted mirrors ;)
DeleteYES! I love it. At least then we could identify them and stay the hell away!
ReplyDeleteyes, Yes, YES!! AMEN, Sista!!
ReplyDeleteCan I add to the pulling out? For the love of everything that is Holy, do not, DO NOT pull out right in front of me, causing me to jam on my brakes, JUST TO TURN INTO THE NEXT DRIVEWAY, STREET, ETC 500 FEET AWAY!!! Wait, just WAIT!!
EXACTLY! Something or someone better be on fire when they pull out like crazy people. Or, maybe we're being too hard on them. What if they have to emergency poo and getting to that driveway 500 feet away is essential to their survival? That's probably not the case, so let's hate them anyway ;)
DeleteMy 2 pet peeves: Driving well below the speed limit on a 35 mph street--"It's not Sunday! No Sunday drives today!"
ReplyDeleteand
When someone behind me is impatient, speeds up, gets in front of me, only to arrive at the same red light I do. "Are you gonna get to your destination faster, you Asshat?!"
I've had to curtail my language a lot now that my son is in the car with me, although I do tend to give the finger to people more often than I should.
Oh the cursing whilst with the kids. My kiddos have really forced me to to curtail my language, too; although, I am creating/using some new fancy words as a result. "Weiner wagon!" "Peanut brittle!" "Fudgemellows!" I sound like a lunatic but it helps to hear laughter from the backseat. Sometimes...
Delete