I'm doing the happy dance today on Wacky Wednesday Writers because I have one of my favorite funny bloggers guesting on the site! Please welcome Stephanie from http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com! Not only do her Facebook statuses and blog posts keep me in stitches, this girl VLOGS and the camera just loves her! She is beautiful, sweet and funny, and I adore the way she expresses herself. Hey, she's an English teacher, so you KNOW her writing is good! Stephanie has a large following already and I predict a LOT of success for this talented lady. Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site and share some comment love!
Have you ever wondered how some people are legally permitted to function amongst the rest of us? I have. Often. And every day, I find myself impressed by the sheer stupidity that surrounds us. From the a-hole in line at the grocery store who sighs loudly at the prospect of having to wait her turn (seriously, go to the self-check-out and shut up) to the bunghole who allows his dog to dump in my yard, half-heartedly cleans it up, and leaves behind remnants of grossness that will find their way into the tread of my kids’ shoes. The level of “sweet Jesus you’re a moron!” is kicked up a notch every day.
It only gets worse when these kinds of people are behind the wheel. I cannot tell you how often I see a fellow driver and want to revoke his license on the spot because GOODLORDINHEAVEN he’s going to kill someone. So I took it upon myself to highlight a few of the
known laws that are to dictate our roadways. This list pertains to,
but is not limited to, cars, trucks, SUVs, those little tiny cars
that don’t look real but they are, quads and other ATVs,
motorcycles, and golf carts. I ask that we all adhere to the
following as to make driving a safe and non-blood boiling experience
for everyone, mostly me:
- Turn Signal. Let’s break this down: a signal is an indication that something is about to happen. A turn is a change in your car’s direction. As such, a turn signal should be an early indication of a car’s deviation from its original course. So, please, please: use your turn signal. And I don’t mean just as you’re about to make your turn; I’m talking about far enough in advance to let those behind you know you’re turning. Otherwise, I will be all up in your ass. And by in your ass, I mean in your trunk because TURN SIGNAL.
- The Yield Sign. This is a tricky one. It’s not quite stopping, yet it’s not quite going. We should rename it the “take a look before speeding through it” sign. Maybe then people would understand what to do once they’re face-to-face with that confusing upside down triangle.
- The Turning Lane. I personally love me some turning lanes. They’re super convenient and allow the flow of traffic to keep on…well, flowing. Unless, of course, some stupidface doesn’t know how to properly utilize the turning lane and comes to a full stop in the regular lane of traffic causing my blood pressure to push through the car roof and explode onto the pavement. I mean, really, is it so difficult to merge 5 feet over to make your turn? If you’ve answered yes to that question, punch yourself in the face and put your license in the nearest paper shredder.
- Pulling Out. Did you just giggle when you read “pulling out?” It’s okay, me, too. Anyway, this is pretty subjective. When are you far enough away to effectively pull out in front of another car? Here’s a general rule of thumb: if you pulling out causes the oncoming car to slam on her brakes and scream curse words to the universe, you’re probably too close for the successful pull-out. That said, if you do somehow manage to get on the road without me rear-ending you, for the love of all that is holy, DRIVE. Don’t slow down and sight-see. Don’t decide at that moment you have to fiddle with the radio dial or find your cell phone that probably went flying into the backseat as a result of the high rate of speed with which you cut me off. DRIVE LIKE THE WIND because I am behind you, under the assumption that you are trying to tend to an emergency situation where you will save someone’s life. Why else would you be driving like such an idiot?
- The Speed Limit: Unlike the topic of pulling into traffic, the speed limit is much more objective. As in, it’s explicitly stated so follow it. I admit it: sometimes I speed. Yes, I exceed the posted speed limit and no, I’ve no particular place to go. I’m not perfect. But know what I don’t do? I don’t ride the car in front of me tighter than a pair of hip-huggers whilst traveling the legal rate of speed. Why? Because I’m not a douche. If you’re in that big of a hurry that the speed limit doesn’t apply to you, buy a helicopter and piss off.
- Stoplights: Another admission: sometimes I look forward to red lights so I can finish jamming to a song before reaching my destination or <GASP> check my email on my phone. But I am well aware of my position at the red light, and fully anticipate that sometime in the near future it’s going to…say it with me…TURN GREEN! And if you’re anything like my 2-year-old, you understand that green means GO! So, go. Seriously, GOOOOOOO! Quit filing your nails, picking your nose, or texting your BFF. You can do it, put your back into it, and GO.
If you don’t want to buckle up, I’m not going to lose sleep. You don’t want to fix your tail light? Whatevs. But when it concerns the well-being (and sanity) of others’ on the road, I kinda feel like we should all try to follow the laws and keep one another safe. I don’t know; maybe I’m a hopeless romantic. Listen, I won’t go the distance and slap a “Baby on Board” bumper sticker onto my Chevy Traverse, but if I’m pushed to the limit, I may start carrying tomatoes and other foods that splatter nicely onto passing by windshields. You have been warned.
Stephanie loves words, hates math, and has a penchant for making people uncomfortable with her honesty. An English teacher by trade and a smack-talker by nature, Stephanie’s family often tires of listening to her speak. Fortunately, her blog,WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion, affords an acceptable medium to verbally vomit all over the Interwebs. She has written other stuff for different sites, but no one cares. You should be her pal on Facebook and Twitter because that’s what a decent person would do.