Birthdays are also a slap-in-the-face reality check that I'm one step closer to getting my AARP card in the mail. Pretty soon I'll be pricing Hoverounds and buying clothes made for comfort rather than style. Velcro and elastic waistbands work well at this age, as do one-size-fits-all outfits. I can rock a housedress, especially if it's in a splashy flower print.
There are other changes that come with age that are not so much fun. The mind is willing but the body is not. And the body has the last laugh because aging is a twisted cosmic joke....or a really bad form of karmic retribution. I'm noticing more and more physical deficits as each year creeps by:
Loss Of Vision: My eyesight has steadily decreased over the past few years. Pretty soon I'll need glasses with the magnifying power of the Hubbel Telescope.
Arthritis: I pop Ibuprofen like candy and need to soak in a tub of Bengay every night before bed.
Hearing Loss: I've been trolling Ebay for an ear trumpet now that my hearing is shot. My family is
already annoyed with the amount of times I ask, "Huh?" and "What?" I can't hear much of anything. Unless, of course, someone is offering me cake....then I can hear just fine.
Fatigue: I'm tired of being tired. I've been drinking so much caffeine lately that my bladder has become a Starbuck's Drive-Thru.
Low Sex Drive: Forget the Kama Sutra. The only thing happening in bed is the missionary position and my spouse asking, "Are you still awake?" in the middle of it all.
Osteoporosis: My bones have become more fragile and I bruise faster than a banana. At this rate I'll need to invest in hockey goalie gear so that I'll be safely padded against possible fractures as I walk from the sofa to the refrigerator.
Gas: I used to clear the dance floor with my disco moves. Now I clear a room with my flatulence.
Dental Issues: If I chew caramels at this stage of the game, I'll end up with lock jaw or a few missing teeth. My gums have receded so far that I have teeth twice the size they used to be.
Memory Loss: Wallet, keys, reading glasses....these items love to play hide-and-seek with me on a daily basis. I've either got a gremlin in residence who takes sadistic pleasure in hiding my belongings, or I killed too many brain cells playing quarters during my college bar hopping days.
Wrinkles: I'm a fanatic about using serums and face creams with a high SPF. Even so, I am unable to prevent the laugh lines that are forming deep ravines in my skin. My biggest fear is that I will end up with a face that resembles that shriveled apple left in the back of my refrigerator produce drawer since 2011.
I've accepted the fact that I'm getting older and that at the end of the day my body feels like it has been through a rousing game of Whack-A-Mole. But I have also
found the silver lining to aging: Retirement, cruising the countryside in a new RV, watching the grandkids grow up and giving my adult children a few gray hairs of their own. It's also a great age to say, "I told you so...", and if I'm really lucky, I can use my AARP discount on an industrial size bottle of fiber pills and orthopedic shoes.
Shuffleboard or bingo, anyone?
Thank you, Honey!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya sister!!!! Every morning at 5am my explosive gas starts. I'm proud of the fact that I can blow the covers off the bed at age 49. Can't wait for my AARP card to arrive shortly so I can get my free donut with my coffee!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'll be standing right next to you in that donut line!
DeleteHappy belated birthday!!! Here's how I look at it: We are not getting older, but wiser & better! xo T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI love your attitude!
DeleteHappy Belated Birthday mate and you look wonderful for your age, and don't let anyone else tell you different. Not everyone ends up looking as great as you, so you're really and truly blessed in the aging process.
ReplyDeleteWe've all got that downhill path to take and have no choice in the matter. I guess it's a case of how you deal with it cos it's not always doom and gloom.
If you need glasses then get a nice funky freaky pair and be happy with it. Don't eat those rock hard chewy caramels because we know they pull out teeth, even when we were young.
If your bones fail you, get one of those automatic wheel chair things - scooter. You can spruce it up to look like a 'Hell's Angels' one. Beep the extra large horn hard every time a young person gets in your way and wear one of those spikey helmets too. Old folk can be a force to be reckoned with. Maybe give the police a run for their money on the motorway with your scooter too, who would arrest you? Just say you didn't hear the sirens for 2 hours ha ha ha.
I like memory/hearing loss, you can get away with so much, ha ha ha. Isn't old age fun? I'll see you at the bingo later :)
OMG you are too funny, RPD! And now you have put these AWESOME ideas into my head--YES I want a scooter and I WILL dress it up like a Harley! Thanks for stopping by, my friend!
DeleteJust got my first ever pair of reading glasses and I get a bit of carpal tunnel every now and again, but age ain't nothin' but a number.
ReplyDeleteLove the additional wisdom that each extra year brings and just enjoy life, its too short for regrets.
Great post, happy birthday, whenever it was.
I am blind as a mole without my contacts and readers. Mum told me when I was young, if I ate my carrots, I'd have good eyesight. She lied.
DeleteHilarious! Good thing the husband doesn't fall asleep too in the middle of it all LOL Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteThat would REALLY be a problem!!!
DeleteHappy Birthday!! I feel the same effects you do, and sometimes I think Old Age is a Curse. But no, it's really not. I've worn glasses since I was 7. NBD. I'm tired at 7 pm, but I'm up around 5 and I get a lot more done in the morning than I do at night. Sex? What's that? Fortunately (even though they don't admit it) men go through the same thing. A great marriage will survive because both people know there's more to the love than just the sex (at least that's what I've been told!!). Health issues are something else. But we are all facing them (or going to face them) and hopefully those, too, can be resolved one day at a time. In the meantime, do the best you can. My 95 year old grandmother, whose hearing was going, told me this: "I don't have to hear everything!" Very wise words indeed!
ReplyDelete95? Holy crap! If I get to be that old, I hope I'm still as feisty as Betty White!
DeleteHappy Birthday!!! XOXOXO You're so funny! I'm already clearing rooms with gas and collapsing by 5:30 with fatigue, so my future isn't looking too hot. Oh, and yeah, no caramels for me either. Boo! I think you're doing this age thing A-ok! You Rock!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Age really is just a number. I am still 25 in my head....
DeleteMarcia, you make growing older fun! I'm there, sister. I get my AARP offers all the time now. Went to the eye doctor a few months back, and the pecker-wood has the nerve to ask "do you want bifocals?"...you tell me! I told him nobody wanted bifocals, I would wait..only to find out I NEED bifocals! Idiot! So now I have to lovely chain around the neck to hold my glasses! I'm the freakin librarian! And on the subject of hearing (you'll love this one!), we were watching America's Got Talent a bit ago and I went to the kitchen to tidy up a few things when I heard my husband, Earl, say something about 'an erection in the van'!!!! what?! Turns out he said 'the band is One Direction'. How about them apples?! Yeah, I know how it feels. I find myself moaning about things I never cared about, like how hard it is to get in and out of the Honda, and how low the sofa is...it's tough to get up after you've settled! So, I know what you mean, and you know I absolutely adore your writing, Marcia. Keep it coming, lady, you got this! So glad to see you here! Sending love and autumn leaves (the kind you don't have to rake! just enjoy) from Colorado!
ReplyDeletes
Oh Dawn, you crack me up!! Erection in a van, HAHAHA!!!
DeleteHappy Birthday sisal!!! Have a GREAT day!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Saimi!!!
DeleteAlways a joy to visit your site, Marcia! Today, every word applied. Sigh. :)
ReplyDeleteA tip of my bottle of Geritol to you, my friend!
Now I'm relying on the Senior's Serenity prayer:
God Grant Me The Serenity To Forget The People I Never Liked Anyway. The Good Fortune to Run Into the Ones That I Do. And The Eyesight to tell the difference.
Diane, that is AWESOME!!!! Where do you hear that? I LOVE it!! Thank you for sharing the funny stuff, my friend. XO
DeleteYou can't wear velcro shoes unless you are, "under 6 or over 60." That's what I told my husband when he tried on a pair at the shoe store. Uh..... not happening!
ReplyDeleteHahaha that's great! Those shoes are so ugly!
DeleteOh my goodness, I thought it was just me!
ReplyDeleteNope! You're in good company with the rest of us!
DeleteA Happy Belated Birthday to you! Getting older happens to all of us, not much we can do about it but greet it with a smile and a laugh. You seem to be handling it just fine!
ReplyDeleteGiving it my best shot!
DeleteOh gosh... can I ever relate to this. I think of you as my American sister. So much of what you write is me! Receding gums! I'm definitely what you'd call long in the tooth :)
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Just stay away from the caramels!
DeleteLike a fine wine... ;-)
ReplyDeleteOr perhaps good champagne?
DeleteHappy birthday and I got the notice 2 years ago LOL. The one thing I really hate is getting out the bed in the mornings. My body is achy and I don't spring up as fast anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt takes me forever just to get off the couch now!
Delete"Are you still awake" LOL!!! Hope you had a wonderful day!!
ReplyDeleteI had a FABULOUS day, thanK you, Roshni!
DeleteMuch as I'm hating getting older, it beats the alternative! ;o) I hope your birthday was filled with fun surprises, and (as I remind my kids to do) large print.
ReplyDeleteAlso, stopping by from Crafty Spices Hop to check out and grab an email subscription to your blog. Your blog looks great!
Thank you for visiting and grabbing an email subscription on mine as well.
http://ginavalley.com/
Have a great weekend! -gina
Glad you liked it and thank you for the follow! Heading over to your site next, Gina!
DeleteYou know, I get those pesky AARP cards in the mail all the time! I have sworn to call their customer service line if I get another one, "can you please calm down and at least let me get to the point where I can use one?" Geez! I think they are sending it based on the symptoms I have because I think I have 9 out of 10 of the ones you have!
ReplyDeleteYou have aged beautifully :) I hope I'm as lucky as you!
Laugh lines are a sign that you lived and lived well! Thanks for contributing to my laugh lines Marcia <3
You are a very beautiful woman, Glenda. I'm betting you age very gracefully! XO
DeleteHappy B-day!!!
ReplyDeletehttp://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com
Thank you, Irfan!
DeleteHope you had an awesome Birthday. So wish I was there to share it with you. xxx
ReplyDeleteThe town would never be the same if you were here to celebrate with me. We would close this place down!!!!
DeleteAging has its Pros & Cons... Like you, I'm not very fond of the Cons!!! Enjoyed. Brought a Smile, Slu
ReplyDeleteI totally know what you mean. We just have to keep laughing at those cons!!
DeleteHappy Birthday! Im in my early 50's and I can totally understand the reading glasses and other things you mentioned.. =)
ReplyDeleteWe are just "getting better" as we get older!!! =)
I LOVE your attitude!
DeleteYou sure that's hearing loss and not selective hearing?
ReplyDeleteShhhhh...let's keep that a secret!
Deletehappy b-day!
ReplyDeletehere I am complaining about my grey hair, but know that vision loss and hearing loss, and sore joints will come so soon. Wait, they are here already (in my early 40's!)
My great-Aunt was a huge wrinkle, so I don't have much hope for avoiding those.
I like to think everything that comes with age was earned, we should be thankful we are still around to complain about it. Right? So, complain away, and enjoy every moment.
~Rebecca
Excellent way to look at it. Age is, after all, just a number!
DeleteDon't know whether to say "Happy Birthday" or "I'm sorry".
ReplyDeleteSo Happy Birthday. And I'm sorry. But as the saying goes, having birthdays is preferable to the alternative, so there's that. . .
And of course, there is always cake....
DeleteGirl I love these all so much, they made me laugh so hard... when I thought I couldn't, that is the awesome thing about your blog... you always make me smile... thank you ...
ReplyDeleteOh and happy belated birthday... I must have missed it when I was taking a hiatus...
You know I'm here for you and I will always try to make you smile!
DeleteHappy belated birthday! Just catching up on blog reading tonight. Heck, you're not that old. Celebrate like you're still 25! Just don't break a hip! :-)
ReplyDeleteMy brain is still stuck in 1981 but my body feels like it has been on one long roller coaster!
DeleteHappy birthday. I'm with you. I had a big birthday over the summer and it hit me harder than I'd like to admit. I just took birthday cupcakes to my youngest's class at lunch and he just told me some of his classmates said, "Your mom is old." Help.
ReplyDeleteAaack! I would not be happy about that one, either. Hmmm...the only thing I can suggest is moisturize, avoid the sun and don't drink (MUCH, that is.....).
DeleteGah, I can relate to the things that are deteriorating. My eyesight is getting ridiculous too, and I don't like that one, not a bit. I have found I'm not leaping and bounding up stairs anymore, but actually am turning on the light to see where I'm going when I'm going up and down them. *sigh* LOL
ReplyDeleteThank you for linking to Super Sunday Sync!
Yes!!! I need magnifying glasses AND bright lights to get around!!!
DeleteI just recently found your blog, you really crack me up. I love reading things that are real life!
ReplyDeletewww.HeartbeatsSoulstains.com
Glad you liked it, Debbie! I'll be sure to check out your blog!
ReplyDeleteLook at the brighter side of aging though...you're a lot wiser, a lot calmer, and s**t that drove you crazy just a few years ago doesn't do so anymore...you're all like, "Whateverthef**k." Stuff that was a crisis twenty years ago is now old hat to you...you know what to do. And with your kids out the house or at least grown-up enough that you no longer have to follow them around with a wet towel and a fresh diaper anymore lest they drop their load on the Persian rug again, now you have time to be the MENOPAUSAL MOTHER!!! A/k/A the funniest hormonal freak in central Florida! Now go take some Midol and lie down, and when you're feeling better (and it's been enough time since you took the Midol), we'll go play quarters. Just for old times' sake, you realize. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm collecting a stack of quarters as we speak.
Delete