For this reason, I have to
exercise regularly or else I'll wind up with a butt the size of
Texas. I know no shame when it comes to triple chocolate rum cake. I
just have to sweat it out of my pores with a strenuous workout.
I enrolled in a women's gym to
save myself the embarrassment of men seeing what I REALLY look like
at eight o'clock in the morning. It's not fun packing seven pounds of
cellulite into a three pound bag. By the time I get to the gym, my
Spandex leggings are so tight, they're screaming, “I can't do it, Captain! I don't
have the power!” The uncomfortable tightness is further aggravated
once I start to really sweat. My thighs become chafed and require a
large fire extinguisher just to put out the smoke.
I don't mind using the weight
machines. God knows I need to get rid of these bat wings, jello
thighs and “cow utters” by my bra straps. I've gotten pretty good
at lifting weights but I'm not too fond of the loud grunting noises
from the women around me. They sound uncomfortably constipated as
they lift, and I'm tempted to toss them a box of Exlax. Some of these
ladies don't realize that when they're lifting, they're straining
internal parts, which triggers a green light for pent-up gases to
head south and out the door.
***Want More Meno Mama? This week I was featured for the first time on Boomeon! I'm dishing on what it's like to go from an empty nest to a full house. You can read it here: http://www.boomeon.com/posts/from-empty-nest-to-full-house
Marcia, you make working out as fun as it sounds... lol
ReplyDeleteI particularly like the observation of needing a fire extinguisher for your thighs... I am in the same boat... haha ;)
I think a disco ball might want to make me work out more... ahh... probably not, lol
I'd probably enjoy it more if they had a disco ball AND dimmed the lights so that I wouldn't have to see myself in the mirror, LOL!
DeleteI like your thinking on the dim lights and disco ball!
DeleteHa-ha! Thank you, Vanessa!
DeleteI love adding dance moves to my workout, makes it more interesting. Loved reading your post.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rajlakshmi! I agree---exercise is rather boring unless there is great music and fun dance steps involved.
DeleteHilarious! Oh, those poor, gassy women! I just joined a gym by me, and let me tell you, I don't like walking on the treadmill next to someone 20 years younger than me! It's annoying to have them jogging while I'm working up a sweat at a slower pace!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.lemondroppie.com/2014/10/at-the-gym/
Oh, I know!!! I look at these gorgeous gals who are in their twenties and think, "Why are you here? You look perfect. Go eat a donut, for God's sake!"
DeleteZumba is fun. Unless I am working out with my trainer, I will always opt for a class over the dreadmill. There's a definite social context to the gym...I like it. Happy Friday!
ReplyDeleteKelly
www.alovelylifeindeed.com
Isn't Zumba great? I used to just use the weights and machines, but once I discovered the zumba class, I was hooked!
DeleteDo women at your gym actually grunt? I wouldn't enjoy that, either.
ReplyDeleteI've heard a few…..it's rather awkward. At least they are not loud like men. Years ago I belonged to a co-ed gym, and the guys would grunt and yell. I really shouldn't say anything though because my son started lifting this year and he is VERY loud while picking up the weights, ha-ha!!
DeleteMarcia, kudos to you for having the discipline for work out. On the three days that I'm on the treadmill (on average) the only motivation I have is the hope that it will allow me to eat more Lindt chocolate truffles for that day. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteChocolate and wine have always been my motivation as well, Joy! :)
DeleteI haven't done the gym in forever ( I did home workouts while pregnant) but for 2013 I trained for and entered a powerlifting competition, which required tons of gym time. I got burned out, was tired of being sore all of the time from the heavy deadlifts and squats, and was tired of my legs and butt busting out of my jeans. Cause, yeah, women can't bulk up, but I sure as heck put on more muscle than I wanted to.
ReplyDeleteWow! I never got into the heavy lifting. I just wanted to tone my underarm fat. But once I discovered Zumba, it was all about the cardio for me.
DeleteI didn't make it to the gym this morning. That makes two years now . . .
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I wonder if the chimichanga stands have shares in the local gym. What a racket. Eat. Work out. Repeat.
Exactly! Our gym used to have a TV above the work-out floor and it was so distracting during zumba class---especially the food commercials!
DeleteI love to eat too. Fortunately I don't have to worry about it, I've got kids (and their friends) who demolish all the food within minutes of my making it.
ReplyDeleteThat's probably the best diet ever invented!
DeleteI'm far too timid to comment on women dieting or exercising. And it would be ludicrous if I did.
ReplyDeleteDangerous area, huh? Hahahaha!!!
DeleteSmart man!
DeleteHehehehehe!!!
DeleteYum! Chimichagas! I walk. It's the only thing I can bring myself to do. It doesn't do anything for my batwings but at least my legs are okay.
ReplyDeleteI can never imagine you having bat wings, Pinky! You are such a lovely, petite woman!
DeleteI could tell you I love to work out but that would be a lie so I will not say that the only time I work out is in bed before going to sleep...............oh no that doesn't sound right..............because I am not talking about sex I am talking about laying in bed thinking about working out before going to sleep
ReplyDeleteHahahahahaha!! Love this, Jo-Anne! You just made my day!
DeleteMy ass has grown to the size of Russia and I've been too damn lazy to exercise. Nope. I just eat more like a complete dumbass. Case in point: Pizza and wings for dinner. Oops.
ReplyDeleteI really need to get back in shape and drop these pounds but damn it, wine and chocolate is just soooo good.
I love it too-----seriously, chocolate should be low fat and as healthy as brussel sprouts.
DeleteAdd me to the list of Zumba lovers. I think you should open a chain of gyms with disco balls and instructors that look like John Travolta - I'll sign up first!
ReplyDeleteWouldn't that be fun??
DeleteBack when I used to work out (lo, these many years ago), the gym I was a member of was located directly across the concourse (in the mall) from a TCBY. Cruel is what it was.
ReplyDeleteI'd work out and get a sweat on, then walk out and directly across into TCBY and have a frozen yogurt parfait and basically undo every bench press.
OMG I know what you mean!!! I have worked out, sweat my butt off, then gone home and eaten pizza!!
DeleteNothing like that Viking staple, the chimichanga to motivate a person! Classes are always more fun that cardio machines, though I also enjoy a good treadmill sweatathon! You crack me up!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kymberly! I can handle the treadmill for about 30 minutes----but ONLY if I have really good tunes to listen to!
DeleteI used to go to a fitness center that had a cold stone creamery next door....so the thought was, I worked out, I deserve it! Good for you for being committed to exercise!
ReplyDeleteOMG I love Coldstones! What on earth were they thinking putting that gym next door to it----too much temptation. I'd be there very day!
DeleteYour descriptive prose evoke some wonderful (?disturbing) images. I'm grappling with the chaffed thighs and Zumba class!
ReplyDeleteAs long as there is a fire extinguisher near by I'll be okay!
ReplyDeleteHi Marcia! I also belong to a gym, but there are guys there. A lot of them. It's pretty funny to see them raise heavy weights, and then let go just to hear them 'clank'. Honestly, do you really need that?
ReplyDeleteMy daughter took a Zumba class and said she needed to take a class on Zumba footwork, it went too fast for her to catch on. Poor kid. I should send her over to your class!
Happy Sunday!
Ceil
We're lucky---we have two male teachers in Zumba who are excellent! They make you push yourself to the limit. Plus, to be honest, it's fun to watch a man move like that, LOL!
DeleteOh please. Look around you. How many men look like they just stepped out of the pages of GQ? How many men, especially the ones our age, look like they spend more hours in the gym than they do in the library? How many men actually really look like John Goodman? Look around. All of them. So many men look like John Goodman that you can't tell them apart. If the *real* John Goodman walked in, you'd think it was Ron from around the corner whose kid always cuts your lawn and doesn't hoover up the grass clippings.
ReplyDeleteTruth is, any man should be willing to sacrifice his soul to Satan just for a look or a smile from your luscious blonde arse! Next time, walk in like you friggin' own the place. Like you're friggin' Angelina friggin' Jolie gracing them with your too-die-for presence. And don't forget to offer them a slice of rum cake :)
Sadly, right now the only thing I have to offer is grunts and chafed thighs. Oh wait---that doesn't sound right….
DeleteAnd therein lies my chief problem-- my two "workout buddies" also happen to be my eating and drinking buddies. It seems impossible to not follow the gym with pizza and beer. I suppose at the very least it's all a wash ;)
ReplyDeleteOne cancels out the other, so it's all good, right? I'd do it too, under those circumstances.
DeleteMy weakness is cheese and wine and I am not as dedicated as you at working it off! Glad you can find the humor in the onerous task!
ReplyDeleteOhhh I do love cheese and wine….
DeleteI also love to eat. Food just makes me happy. I try to go on walks now so my pants will still close.
ReplyDeleteThat's a fair trade off!
DeleteCow utters and beaver peek-a-boo. . . Fucking hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI love to eat, too, but I refrain these days as I struggle to get all of this fat off my body I gained when I went from an active out of the house job to writing on my ass all day sedentary job.
Wine is now my weakness, so I use that as a motivator when I exercise. I do Daily Burn, because if I don't have to leave the house for work, I'm damn sure not leaving the house for exercise.
I need to be around other people when I exercise, otherwise I'm just not motivated to do it. Well, that and the fact the our zumba teacher is a really hot Brazilian dude…that helps….
DeleteAmazing Article. Hardly Recommended you for your helpful writing. Hope we will get More and More Helpful Article from you. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI have never wanted a chimichanga more than I do right this minute.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. You are awesome.
LOL thank you, Michelle. I'll buy the chimichangas if you pick up the margarita tab!
Delete