Friday, November 7, 2014

Perspiration Inspiration

I like to eat. A lot. The vikings have nothing on me when it comes to feasting. I don't even need a holiday as an excuse to strap on the ol' feed bag.

For this reason, I have to exercise regularly or else I'll wind up with a butt the size of Texas. I know no shame when it comes to triple chocolate rum cake. I just have to sweat it out of my pores with a strenuous workout.

I enrolled in a women's gym to save myself the embarrassment of men seeing what I REALLY look like at eight o'clock in the morning. It's not fun packing seven pounds of cellulite into a three pound bag. By the time I get to the gym, my Spandex leggings are so tight, they're screaming, “I can't do it, Captain! I don't have the power!” The uncomfortable tightness is further aggravated once I start to really sweat. My thighs become chafed and require a large fire extinguisher just to put out the smoke.

I love going to the gym, but there are days when I'm bone weary and the treadmill looks more like a torture device than a comfortable walking machine. Once my sadistic trainer sets the treadmill at a high incline on warp speed, I'm already sweating and thinking, “Beam me up, Scotty!” Preferably to a planet that believes chocolate is an important food group and part of a healthy diet.

I don't mind using the weight machines. God knows I need to get rid of these bat wings, jello thighs and “cow utters” by my bra straps. I've gotten pretty good at lifting weights but I'm not too fond of the loud grunting noises from the women around me. They sound uncomfortably constipated as they lift, and I'm tempted to toss them a box of Exlax. Some of these ladies don't realize that when they're lifting, they're straining internal parts, which triggers a green light for pent-up gases to head south and out the door.

 My favorite part of the gym is Zumba class. I love to incorporate dances moves into my workout because it tricks my brain into thinking it's 1978 (I'm always looking for a spinning disco ball and John Travolta in a white suit).While I'm not crazy about ill-fitting pants that scream, “Camel toe alert!”, or women in booty shorts playing beaver peek-a-boo, I still have fun doing my disco moves. The problem is that all that salsa music makes me hungry for Mexican food and margaritas. So what do I do? Head for the nearest taco stand and make my viking ancestors proud....one chimichanga at a time.



***Want More Meno Mama? This week I was featured for the first time on Boomeon! I'm dishing on what it's like to go from an empty nest to a full house. You can read it here: http://www.boomeon.com/posts/from-empty-nest-to-full-house

55 comments:

  1. Marcia, you make working out as fun as it sounds... lol

    I particularly like the observation of needing a fire extinguisher for your thighs... I am in the same boat... haha ;)

    I think a disco ball might want to make me work out more... ahh... probably not, lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd probably enjoy it more if they had a disco ball AND dimmed the lights so that I wouldn't have to see myself in the mirror, LOL!

      Delete
    2. I like your thinking on the dim lights and disco ball!

      Delete
  2. I love adding dance moves to my workout, makes it more interesting. Loved reading your post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Rajlakshmi! I agree---exercise is rather boring unless there is great music and fun dance steps involved.

      Delete
  3. Hilarious! Oh, those poor, gassy women! I just joined a gym by me, and let me tell you, I don't like walking on the treadmill next to someone 20 years younger than me! It's annoying to have them jogging while I'm working up a sweat at a slower pace!

    http://www.lemondroppie.com/2014/10/at-the-gym/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I know!!! I look at these gorgeous gals who are in their twenties and think, "Why are you here? You look perfect. Go eat a donut, for God's sake!"

      Delete
  4. Zumba is fun. Unless I am working out with my trainer, I will always opt for a class over the dreadmill. There's a definite social context to the gym...I like it. Happy Friday!

    Kelly
    www.alovelylifeindeed.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't Zumba great? I used to just use the weights and machines, but once I discovered the zumba class, I was hooked!

      Delete
  5. Do women at your gym actually grunt? I wouldn't enjoy that, either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard a few…..it's rather awkward. At least they are not loud like men. Years ago I belonged to a co-ed gym, and the guys would grunt and yell. I really shouldn't say anything though because my son started lifting this year and he is VERY loud while picking up the weights, ha-ha!!

      Delete
  6. Marcia, kudos to you for having the discipline for work out. On the three days that I'm on the treadmill (on average) the only motivation I have is the hope that it will allow me to eat more Lindt chocolate truffles for that day. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chocolate and wine have always been my motivation as well, Joy! :)

      Delete
  7. I haven't done the gym in forever ( I did home workouts while pregnant) but for 2013 I trained for and entered a powerlifting competition, which required tons of gym time. I got burned out, was tired of being sore all of the time from the heavy deadlifts and squats, and was tired of my legs and butt busting out of my jeans. Cause, yeah, women can't bulk up, but I sure as heck put on more muscle than I wanted to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! I never got into the heavy lifting. I just wanted to tone my underarm fat. But once I discovered Zumba, it was all about the cardio for me.

      Delete
  8. I didn't make it to the gym this morning. That makes two years now . . .
    Seriously, I wonder if the chimichanga stands have shares in the local gym. What a racket. Eat. Work out. Repeat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! Our gym used to have a TV above the work-out floor and it was so distracting during zumba class---especially the food commercials!

      Delete
  9. I love to eat too. Fortunately I don't have to worry about it, I've got kids (and their friends) who demolish all the food within minutes of my making it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's probably the best diet ever invented!

      Delete
  10. I'm far too timid to comment on women dieting or exercising. And it would be ludicrous if I did.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yum! Chimichagas! I walk. It's the only thing I can bring myself to do. It doesn't do anything for my batwings but at least my legs are okay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can never imagine you having bat wings, Pinky! You are such a lovely, petite woman!

      Delete
  12. I could tell you I love to work out but that would be a lie so I will not say that the only time I work out is in bed before going to sleep...............oh no that doesn't sound right..............because I am not talking about sex I am talking about laying in bed thinking about working out before going to sleep

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahahaha!! Love this, Jo-Anne! You just made my day!

      Delete
  13. My ass has grown to the size of Russia and I've been too damn lazy to exercise. Nope. I just eat more like a complete dumbass. Case in point: Pizza and wings for dinner. Oops.

    I really need to get back in shape and drop these pounds but damn it, wine and chocolate is just soooo good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love it too-----seriously, chocolate should be low fat and as healthy as brussel sprouts.

      Delete
  14. Add me to the list of Zumba lovers. I think you should open a chain of gyms with disco balls and instructors that look like John Travolta - I'll sign up first!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Back when I used to work out (lo, these many years ago), the gym I was a member of was located directly across the concourse (in the mall) from a TCBY. Cruel is what it was.

    I'd work out and get a sweat on, then walk out and directly across into TCBY and have a frozen yogurt parfait and basically undo every bench press.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG I know what you mean!!! I have worked out, sweat my butt off, then gone home and eaten pizza!!

      Delete
  16. Nothing like that Viking staple, the chimichanga to motivate a person! Classes are always more fun that cardio machines, though I also enjoy a good treadmill sweatathon! You crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kymberly! I can handle the treadmill for about 30 minutes----but ONLY if I have really good tunes to listen to!

      Delete
  17. I used to go to a fitness center that had a cold stone creamery next door....so the thought was, I worked out, I deserve it! Good for you for being committed to exercise!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG I love Coldstones! What on earth were they thinking putting that gym next door to it----too much temptation. I'd be there very day!

      Delete
  18. Your descriptive prose evoke some wonderful (?disturbing) images. I'm grappling with the chaffed thighs and Zumba class!

    ReplyDelete
  19. As long as there is a fire extinguisher near by I'll be okay!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi Marcia! I also belong to a gym, but there are guys there. A lot of them. It's pretty funny to see them raise heavy weights, and then let go just to hear them 'clank'. Honestly, do you really need that?
    My daughter took a Zumba class and said she needed to take a class on Zumba footwork, it went too fast for her to catch on. Poor kid. I should send her over to your class!
    Happy Sunday!
    Ceil

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're lucky---we have two male teachers in Zumba who are excellent! They make you push yourself to the limit. Plus, to be honest, it's fun to watch a man move like that, LOL!

      Delete
  21. Oh please. Look around you. How many men look like they just stepped out of the pages of GQ? How many men, especially the ones our age, look like they spend more hours in the gym than they do in the library? How many men actually really look like John Goodman? Look around. All of them. So many men look like John Goodman that you can't tell them apart. If the *real* John Goodman walked in, you'd think it was Ron from around the corner whose kid always cuts your lawn and doesn't hoover up the grass clippings.

    Truth is, any man should be willing to sacrifice his soul to Satan just for a look or a smile from your luscious blonde arse! Next time, walk in like you friggin' own the place. Like you're friggin' Angelina friggin' Jolie gracing them with your too-die-for presence. And don't forget to offer them a slice of rum cake :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, right now the only thing I have to offer is grunts and chafed thighs. Oh wait---that doesn't sound right….

      Delete
  22. And therein lies my chief problem-- my two "workout buddies" also happen to be my eating and drinking buddies. It seems impossible to not follow the gym with pizza and beer. I suppose at the very least it's all a wash ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One cancels out the other, so it's all good, right? I'd do it too, under those circumstances.

      Delete
  23. My weakness is cheese and wine and I am not as dedicated as you at working it off! Glad you can find the humor in the onerous task!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I also love to eat. Food just makes me happy. I try to go on walks now so my pants will still close.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Cow utters and beaver peek-a-boo. . . Fucking hilarious.

    I love to eat, too, but I refrain these days as I struggle to get all of this fat off my body I gained when I went from an active out of the house job to writing on my ass all day sedentary job.

    Wine is now my weakness, so I use that as a motivator when I exercise. I do Daily Burn, because if I don't have to leave the house for work, I'm damn sure not leaving the house for exercise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need to be around other people when I exercise, otherwise I'm just not motivated to do it. Well, that and the fact the our zumba teacher is a really hot Brazilian dude…that helps….

      Delete
  26. Amazing Article. Hardly Recommended you for your helpful writing. Hope we will get More and More Helpful Article from you. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I have never wanted a chimichanga more than I do right this minute.

    I love this post. You are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL thank you, Michelle. I'll buy the chimichangas if you pick up the margarita tab!

      Delete

Shareaholic

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...