Here
are a few sneak peeks:
Stressed
Out in the Passenger Seat
“Hurry
up, Mom,” Ashley yells. “I can’t wait. I’m so excited! Are
you?”
“Uh
yeah. I’m ready,” I stammer.
We
hold hands as we walk towards the family van, car keys in my sweaty
grip. The smell of freshly cut grass permeates the neighborhood. My
feet begin to sweat and my lower eyelid twitches. It is time to give
my daughter her first behind-the-wheel lesson. I feel like Tom Hanks
in The Green Mile, going down that last stretch to the electric
chair. I am not ready for this.
Good
Pets Gone Bad
The
next morning, I placed Chubby Cheeks in a box and drove to the vet.
After the doctor examined him, we met in the waiting room. He said,
“Good news. We can operate and remove the tumor. What would you
like us to do?”
“Hmmm…how
much will it cost?”
“$300,”
he said, checking his watch.
“Do
you mind if I ask my husband first?”
I
called my hubby and explained the problem. He listened without
interruption for a few minutes. After a long pause I asked, “So
what should we do? Operate? They can squeeze it in today.”
“How
much does a new hamster cost?” he asked.
“Five
dollars.”
Problem
solved.
Does
Size Really Matter?
And
even when he wasn’t snoring, his heavy breathing was impossible to
ignore.
Air
in through the nose, out through the flaring nostrils. In and out. In
and out. In. In. In. Out. No particular rhythm. Even the dog jumped
off the bed in search of some quiet. But I vowed tonight was going to
be different. I had enough.
Lying
next to him, I could just make out my husband’s face from the dim
nightlight in the hallway. He slept like an angel, lips in a small
circle, eyelids fluttering. Quiet for the first time in months. I
can’t stand his breath in my face. Must wake him up.
“Hey,
Darth. Roll over, you’re snoring,” I lied
Stacey
Gustafson is
an author, humor columnist and blogger who has experienced the
horrors of being trapped inside a pair of SPANX. Her work has
appeared in Chicken
Soup for the Soul, Not
Your Mother’s Books, Midlife Boulevard, More Magazine, Better
After 50 and
on her daughter’s bulletin board. Her book, Are
You Kidding Me? My Life With An Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom
Calamities, and Crazy Relatives,
was released September 2014.
Thankfully I don't know how to drive, other people have been kind enough to teach my older child how to drive... pretty sure it wouldn't be a good experience for her otherwise ... ;-)
ReplyDeleteSome funny stuff here... :-) Good luck with the book :-)
Oh, this does sound promising! And fun!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for hosting Stacey! :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Very nice and useful post!! I am also planning for guest post for my websites as well. You post has given me some more insight. Thanks!!!
ReplyDeleteLOVE featuring you today, Stacey!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to reading this!
ReplyDeleteI'll have to check out her book, it sounds fantastic. I had trouble reading your post as the font was too tiny, ah the glory of aging..
ReplyDeleteHi Marcia and Stacey! I think it takes a very special person to lay out all the foibles of everyday life. I find that many would rather cover it all up and pretend everything is just ducky. I LOVE the honesty in your writing Stacey. It's so funny and refreshing!
ReplyDeleteMarcia, congrats on the little trophy over there..#1 Top Comedy blog? Wow!!
Blessings,
Ceil
This sounds hilarious!
ReplyDeleteFunny lady.
ReplyDeleteHow much does a new hamster cost? Problem solved!. I love it.
ReplyDeleteThese are terrific excerpts! If this is what the rest of the book is like, it will be a best seller!
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