Please welcome Sandy to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!
TIME OUT FOR BIG BOOBS
Today I put my big boobs in time out.
Well, actually I went for my annual mammogram which is very, very important. But let's be honest. It's not exactly the most pleasant of experiences.
Since hitting midlife and perimenopause, I am convinced my boobs have been on a mission to try to destroy me. While I appreciate the fact that they haven't headed too far south there are a few things that make me think that being squished between two metal plates might be just what they deserved.
I've put on a little weight in the last couple of years and while a good percentage of it went to my butt, my girlie friends seem to have agreed to carry their fair share. Some women might jump up and down at the thought of gaining some extra boobage but if I were to do that there is a fairly good chance I would knock myself clean out.
The girls are making shopping a little more difficult. It's an awful, awful thing to head into a dressing room with the hot little dress that would look amazing at the company Christmas party. The dress goes on and with a little turn from side to side, I realize with the addition of some Spanx™ I would look pretty damn good. Then it's time to take it off. And it's stuck. Around the boobs. What the heck? It went over them just fine. Why won't it come out from under and over again???? Nothing is worse than having to make the sweaty walk of shame out of the dressing room.
I know I should have picked that dress up off of the floor but to hell with it.
I used to run. My knees aren't what they used to be, nor is my stamina. Not long ago I did try to start running again and realized that no sports bra in the world is going to keep these babies from slamming up and down like sledgehammers. I tried the sports bra with the running tank with a built in bra together but found it extremely difficult to breath. So now I ride a bike. As long as I don't hit any bumps, it's all good.
I won't even get started on the built in bra thing. I won't live long enough to get through the list of all that is wrong with those things.
I remember seeing the "mom bras" in the laundry when I was a younger and my mom was in her forties. I just shook my head and said, "No way, no how!" Until those cute little bras started leaving skinny little indentations in my shoulders. While shopping for new ones, I actually felt myself salivate at the thick, padded straps of the full figured bras but still refused to give in. Until the day I did and the thick, padded straps cover the permanent grooves from the pretty bras quite nicely.
Then there's the under the boob sweat. Just....ew.
I will say that I have found out what I consider to be the third best feeling in the whole wide world. Taking my bra off at the end of the day and freeing the wild beasts within. Yes, indeed. Only two things beat it....a good foot massage and a good, hard.......sneeze.
What?
Yeah. I was just kidding....that too.
BIO:
Sandy is a wife/mom/cheerleader/chauffeur/tutor/referee/psychologist/nurse to five kids: hers, his, and theirs. When she’s not on a sports field or court of some sort (or in the laundry room), she can be found writing about life in its sordid reality at Mother of Imperfection.
Sandy Ramsey
Author/Publisher of Mother of Imperfection
because light only gets in through the cracks
I've been lucky - my girls have stayed mostly the same size, or at least their contents have stayed the same. My mom went from a B to a D during peri-menopause. I like to tease her that her but just migrated north.
ReplyDeleteHer butt just migrated north...now THAT'S funny!
DeleteThere are people who..you know...when they sneeze. I'd be keeping pepper packets with me.
ReplyDeleteBoob sweat. I get massive boob sweat when I'm nervous. Which is awesome on job interviews.
Yes, I do know and I just imagine you opening your purse and 600 pepper packets fall out....
DeleteBoob sweat is definitely something I could do without...living in Florida it's pretty much a daily thing. Even in November.
Haha... I am with you girl... luckily I lost a lot of mine when I lost my weight... I wear pretty Victoria Secret bras with thick straps... my best friend ♡ Don't even start with peri-menopause... This is just a small part ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the pep talk...even though I know you're right about this just being a small part. I actually experienced my first night sweat a few nights ago. I ate 4 glazed donuts for breakfast the next morning.
DeleteOkay :). At least your giggling..which is never a bad thing!
ReplyDeleteSandy! I can't relate to this at all, but I wanted to let you know that I was hear to support you and, more importantly, your boobs.
ReplyDeleteHere...sigh. I hate it when I haven't had enough coffeh...
DeleteIt was 10:30!! How in the world did you not have enough coffeh?? You are the Mac Twindaddy for strutting into this hormone induced rant and showing your support for me and my boobs. This is why we are friends!
DeleteThere is NEVER enough coffeh!!
DeleteYou descriptive prose was almost sufficient to put me off boobs altogether. But not quite!
ReplyDeleteOh..okay! Had me worried there for a second. That was close! Next time I'll have to use a trigger warning: "If you are a man who loves boobs, read no further. This post may scar you for life."
DeleteA good perspective for me to read. I am of the "done breastfeeding, time to shrivel away to nothing" boob camp.They never amounted to much before that either, but they're easy to contain and my too-large bras leave no marks on my shoulders.
ReplyDeleteI think with boobs it's always something. I used to love mine, and honestly most days still do. It's those other days that get me.
DeleteI've had the "big boob problem" since I had children. It was like after I breast fed, they forget to get smaller again. I always thought it would be neat to have big boobs- until I did. All of this is so true, esp the taking off the bra at the end of the day (I work from home, so I don't even know why I wear one- I guess to feel like I'm actually working and not lounging about) - that is the best feeling in the world.
ReplyDeleteI wear a bra at home too even though I don't feel like it most of the time. Maybe just so I can get that 'aaaaahhhhhh' feeling when I take it off at night!
DeleteUgh, I totally get it, especially the boob sweat! I always wanted big boobs until I got them. Isn't that how it always works? And yes, forget the cute little bras or the ones from Vikki Secrets cause they definitely don't hold up to these boulders. Oh the life of big boobs and over the hill. LOL
ReplyDeleteGreat post and thanks for the giggles!
Well thank you! I had fun writing it and knew that this would be the perfect place for it. Marcia is a sweetheart! I owe her for letting me get this off my chest.
DeleteHa! See what I did there??
Hilarious. There is no body part that doesn't turn against us in menopause. I'd ditch my boobs too but I paid too much for them.
ReplyDeleteThat made me laugh out loud! I hear that! I'm learning just how big a Judas my body is these days and it's starting to get on my nerves. Which I think is normal....
DeleteMenopause is doing a number on my girls too. I'm sick of not being able to button things. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I want my B's back. (As in B cup!)
ReplyDeleteYes! The buttoning of the shirt....or the failure to be able to! How could I forget that??
DeleteOh that is too funny Sandy!!! Ya know I could totally piss you off and tell you I hardly every wear a bra... I cover lots of layers and I am FREE!!! The older I get, the more I hate them!! Scary. I know...
ReplyDeleteNope! I actually think you're a genius! I took mine off in the car tonight on the way home from karate. I literally felt like I couldn't breathe.
DeleteWhat a flashback you just brought me of those old lady bras my mom and grandmom used to wear! Fun post!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Claudia! It's a laugh riot for me when I realize my flashbacks have actually become my reality!
DeleteMe too - mine got bigger with each kid and never went down. They are always in the way! I'd love to get them reduced, but every time I even mention it, my husband has a heart attack!
ReplyDeleteStrap a couple of bras weighted down with sandbags and ask him to walk around with them on for a week. That might make him understand.
DeleteHi Sandy, great post, I can relate so well! I know all about big boobs’ mission to destroy! After entering menopause, my boobs (not small to begin with) expanded to the DD range. It’s a nightmare buying clothes these days. LMAO about your boobs getting stuck in the dress you’re trying on, that has happened to me too! (I once ripped a dress trying to get it up and over my big girls!) OMG, the boob sweat…yes, “just ew!” Know that one too! And good for you for getting your mammogram too. Had mine earlier this year and the tech said, "Excuse me but I need to get a bigger plate for those!" LOL!!
ReplyDeleteWow! I think you have me beat. I'm a solid D and can't imagine them getting any bigger! I wish I didn't want to laugh at the mammogram story I can't help it! But good for you for getting yours as well....boob squishers UNITE!!
DeleteOh this one was fun! I will never forget the shock, after having my son, of looking down and discovering I had enormous boobs. It was the strangest thing ever, lol! Great post!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thank you!
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ReplyDeleteOh I can so relate! After carrying around my well endowed "girls" all day the first thing I do when I get home is to let them out of bra jail! It feel so good letting them run free!
ReplyDeleteConsider yourself lucky that your boobs haven't taken a permanent (and kind of obsessive) interest in your feet yet. No amount of cajoling will get mine to look up at the world anymore. It's like they've just given up on the social scene and only have eyes for my feet.
ReplyDeleteSo sad... So sad. -- Love, Naptimethoughts
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ReplyDelete