Menopausal Mother

 
    My spare closet is stuffed with clothing from the bygone era of my youth. This includes a few maternity outfits from the late 1980's that I just haven't had the heart to part with. Goodwill probably wouldn't want a tent-size nautical shirt with a big white bow on the collar, anyway.

 
    One of my favorite things to do during the summer when things slow down a bit, is to get caught up on my reading. I have stacks and stacks of books that I'm dying to read, and most are written by my fellow writer friends. There's something magical about getting cozy on the couch with a cup of coffee in one hand a good book in the other.

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Baking In A Tornado. Once a month you have the opportunity to peek into the homes of 17 other bloggers' lives to see what REALLY goes on behind closed doors…if you're into that sort of thing.

Gross stuff is what's always going on around my house. We have no filters for the things we discuss here. If you get squeamish easily, this blog post might scare you off. Consider yourself warned…..


"I ate too many grits and now I have the shits."
"That sounds like a new breakfast cereal---'Grits & Shits'."

"If only toddlers came with remote controls to lower their volume."
"A mute button would work better."

"I must have been living under a rock all this time--I had no idea that duct tape came in colors other then gray."
"Of course it does! You can get it in any color you want, plus a variety of patterns. You can even get Hello Kitty duct tape."
"That's awesome! I can use duct tape instead of wallpaper to redecorate my office."
"Yep. Consider yourself duct tape educated.

"If you don't stop picking that pimple on your face, I'm going to strap a doggy cone-of-shame around your head."

ME: "There's another politician in the news today who got caught in a video sex scandal. Aren't you glad you don't have any videos like that floating around to come back and haunt you?"
HUBS: "I'm not worried---sheep don't have cameras."

"Stop doing rapid fire farts in bed while I'm trying to sleep. It keeps me awake."
"It's no worse than the neighbor's dog barking all night."
"Yeah it is, because yours are 'butt barks', and that's ten times worse."

"We're getting so fat that we're going to need a sidecar attached to our Winnebago whenever we take road trips."

"Forget about a zombie apocalypse survival kit. What we really need is a public toilet survival kit."

"Just saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Time to burn down the house. "

"I hate driving our crappy old minivan. Every time I hit the brakes, it hisses. It sounds like there's a snake coiled under my seat."

HUBS: "I have a GREAT idea for a new invention. You know how some people have large poops that clog their toilets? I think every house should have a special gadget, sort of like a spoon with a long handle, that chops it up before it's flushed. It would prevent clogging and save on embarrassing plumbing repairs. I'll market it as the 'POOPER CHOPPER'."
ME: "Seriously, dude? Why are we discussing this at the dinner table….while we're eating meatloaf?"
HUBS: "I can also invent the 'Pocket Pooper Chopper' which is a smaller version of the original one, for camping trips, sporting events or public toilets."
ME: "You're really grossing me out here…"
HUBS: "I've already figured out the commercial for it----it'll go something like this---'Buy the full size Pooper Chopper and we'll send you a free box of latex gloves. Order now and we'll also send you the Pocket Pooper Chopper for free! It works great for those long R.V. trips!'"
ME: "Okay, I'm not hungry anymore…."


NOW do you see what I mean about not having any filters around this nutso house? Don't delay---go order your Pooper Chopper today!



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm featured on What The Flicka this week with my 10 Father's Day Fails. You can read it here: http://whattheflicka.com/10-fathers-day-fails/

     I was several months pregnant and home alone with two toddlers when my husband went on an overnight field trip to the Everglades with our oldest son. I was looking forward to having a little peace and quiet that evening, so shortly after tucking my daughters into bed, I curled up on the sofa with a good book and a bowl of popcorn.

     I had barely finished the first chapter when I felt a sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I'd had a large glass of water with my dinner, so I thought nothing of the urgency to pee. But ten minutes later, the pressure on my bladder returned… and then again…and again. Each time I tried to pee, I felt an uncomfortable pinching sensation that increased with each visit to the restroom.

     Two hours and ten bathroom trips later, I was doubled over in pain on the couch. Panic set in because I had no clue what was going on with my irritable bladder.

     Unable to reach my husband by phone, I did the next best thing and called my mother once the pain became unbearable. She calmly explained that I had what her generation called the "honeymoon disease"---a urinary tract infection. Fortunately, my sister was nearby, and after a quick call to my OB/GYN to explain the situation, she was able to deliver the antibiotics I desperately needed to clear the infection. Had I been informed earlier about UTIs and preventative measures, I might not have had to suffer the discomfort and fear that I did that evening.

                                                       * * * * * * * * * * * * *

     Last month I wrote a blog post on the symptoms and factors that contribute to urinary tract infections in women like me who are peri-menopausal or menopausal (you can read it HERE). Today, I'm sharing part two in my sponsored series for the Uristat campaign to educate women on the myths of UTIs, which includes preventative measures that can be taken to avoid recurring infections.

 
    I've been through the toddler trenches---four times, to be exact, and I'm happy to say that I survived unscathed. Okay, that may not be entirely true. My memories are blurred. Maybe I'm just suffering from PTSD (Post Toddler Stress Disorder), which explains why I don't remember much from those mind-numbing years of motherhood. But now that I have a young grandchild, it's all coming back in waves. I'm remembering what I didn't like about those years, but I'm also feeling immense pride in my daughter for being such a patient mother amidst the toddler turbulence she's currently experiencing. I'm happy that I don't have to deal with that kind of stress anymore on a daily basis (just on the weekends when I'm on babysitting duty, thank you very much).  

     If you have older children, you can finally relax and celebrate all of these reasons why it's great to no longer be raising a toddler:


1. BEDTIME: You get to skip the nightly ritual of putting a cranky, overly-tired toddler into pajamas while she's flailing around on the floor----which is about as much fun as trying to put long johns on a slippery octopus.

2. FOOD WARS: You won't have to smother every vegetable you serve with ketchup or cheese sauce and then lie to your child by telling them it tastes like chicken nuggets.

3. POOP: No more running to the bathroom at breakneck speeds when you hear an excited voice shout, "MOMMY, I DID A BIG POOPIE!" If you don't get there early enough to help them wipe, you'll be smelling butt vapors the rest of the day.

4. PROPERTY DAMAGE: You won't have to live in fear that your precious little angel will scribble all over your expensive baseball card collection with a waterproof marker.  

5. TANTRUMS: No more dealing with meltdowns over a sandwich that has not been cut into the shape of Simba's head, or the entire Lion King pride, for that matter.

6. LACK OF SLEEP: You'll no longer be prodded awake at 5:00 a.m. by a toddler who needs to pee, then claims to be thirsty and hungry. They rarely go back to sleep after they've made the long trek to the toilet and back. Whenever this happens, it's like having a little person running around all morning cracked out on Kool-Aid and lollipops. Be thankful that the only thing waking you up now is an alarm clock.

7.  ANNOYING KID SHOWS: No more whiney Caillou, Yo Gabba Gabba, Dora The Explorer or Bubble Guppies invading your living room each morning (which is far worse on your mental state if the coffee hasn't kicked in yet).

8. NOISE CONTROL: You can ditch the kazoos, electronic alphabet games, talking storybooks and mini drum sets. You might even be able to ditch the ear plugs too, unless your have a teen at home who loves to blast dubstep in decibels loud enough to make your ears bleed.

9. MESSES: The word "toddler" should be synonymous with"twister", because once these little human beings have been awake for a more than thirty minutes, your house looks like its been picked up by a tornado and tossed upside down. Now that your kids are older, you don't have to worry about developing curvature of the spine from bending down all day to pick up their toys.

10. OUTDOOR "FUN": Your thighs will no longer be chafed from the slide at the park, nor will you be forced to squeeze your butt into a swing the size of tight sling shot that's ready to launch you into outer space.

     Despite all of these things, if I didn't have my sweet grandchild to cuddle and love, I'd be missing out on all the good things that come with raising a toddler. They love unconditionally, expressing unbridled affection for family and friends alike. They're quick to forgive, trust easily, and are fiercely loyal.

     Toddlers also have an insatiable curiosity and a zest for life that most of us have lost. They find immeasurable joy in the simplest things, whether it's running through a sprinkler, digging their toes in the sand, dancing to silly songs or hugging their favorite animal. Every meltdown and struggle is worth the sound of their infectious laughter and the light in their eyes when you walk into the room. Their unvarnished souls are a glimpse into what our lives are intended to be---joyous, unfettered and filled with boundless love.


 

 
     Several of my friends recently celebrated their fortieth birthdays, and each of them bemoaned the fact that they would now be considered "Over The Hill." I bit my lip to keep from laughing because they have NO CLUE what life (and gravity!) has in store for them 10-20 years AFTER turning 40..

      For anyone who has just hit the "big 4-0", here's a little glimpse into what your fifties and sixties will be like:

Today I'm thrilled to introduce you to my guest writer, Lisa Nolan, editor and publisher of Monkey Star Press! I'm also honored to be a part of her humor anthology, Motherhood May cause Drowsiness: Mom Stories From The Trenches (you can also visit her website HERE). Today she's sharing her five bedtime survival tips for all the sleep-deprived moms out there. Please welcome Lisa with lots of comment love and shares. Thanks!